Tonight is the first night in a while that I'm going to sleep alone, without feeling Scott's body pressing against mine during the night, and without feeling his arm under my head and his breathing on my neck as I doze off. I keep telling myself, the weekend will be here soon. You cannot possibly miss someone this much! And I hate to think of the summer, and the fact that I will not see him for weeks.

My mother knows about Scott & me now. I'm not sure if I'd mentioned that here before. He's the first boy I ever told her about, and it feels so right and I'm not afraid or anything, to tell her that yes, I'm dating him. But oh it feels so strange! I have such issues with my mom learning personal details about my life.

Our relationship is so dysfunctional.

Right, so, I feel frustrayed. And annoying. And a bunch of other negative things that I'm tired of dwelling on. So, I let's think of the positive: my roommate is moving out (all this drama took place). I'm glad, and when she does I think it's going to be nice to be able to have my own room again but I may also get freaked out now and then, mostly about the empty living room and kitchen, especially when I lay in bed trying to sleep.

I'll deal, though.

I can't stop feeling so lazy, and negativeannoyingstupidtireddepressed.
About a bunch of shit, though.
Funny how sometimes you think you're okay, then something just comes and hits you hard and before you realize it, all you want to do is cry and sleep.

I'm going to fail Critical Perspectives.

It's kind of nice that, when everything else seems confuse and uncertain, you wake up to SOME form of stability -- even if it is just your roommate doing her usual door-slamming-bathroom-water-running-calling-at-four-A.M. routine. It's sort of comforting in some sick way that no matter how many other things seem to fall apart and no matter how many things are on my mind, making me feel conflicted and worried...my roommate will always be her bitchy self.

My weekend was a lot like the icon I used for this post. Except that that Kurt Halsey photo really does it little justice. I wish it were Thursday already and not Tuesday 10:52 a.m.

I have an eight-page research paper to write today (since it's due tomorrow) and I haven't even really chosen a topic yet.

I feel like I've been here before (and I probably have.)

I saw Jeff today.

It wasn't for long, of course. We met at a cafe a few blocks from here. I helped him out on his laptop a bit and we talked. He says he's going to El Paso in April to a court hearing to try to get custody over Sapphie back....fuckfuckfuck. I really don't want him to. I know he loves the kid, but she needs to be with Iris' parents, not him. I have faith that the court will realize that, though.

He gave me one of the letters Iris wrote to me. When I read it...holy shit I felt so depressed. I can't even begin to describe how completely depressed I felt. Like, every part of me just felt apathetic and  numb and ached. I used to want all the letters, but after reading one, I now know why he refuses to give them to me. Too much of the past brought back up. And I couldn't stop shaking for a while.

I used to think she deserved life and happiness more than anyone deserves everything. Jeff failed her, her children failed her, in a certain way, both Johnny and I failed her. What a sick terrible feeling is to know that you've failed someone that really matters, and that they're not around anymore to beg them to forgive you, and to try to make things better.

I think I'd forgotten how the good people are sometimes the saddest. I think it's the conscience.

God, I feel useless. What fucking consolation could I ever offer them? Especially while I myself am in this state. I used to sing in the shower. Now I panic and come out only to find out that I'm still as strange as I ever was, and that life is still what it's always been.

I may never be free of this growing apathy.