Tonight is the first night in a while that I'm going to sleep alone, without feeling Scott's body pressing against mine during the night, and without feeling his arm under my head and his breathing on my neck as I doze off. I keep telling myself, the weekend will be here soon. You cannot possibly miss someone this much! And I hate to think of the summer, and the fact that I will not see him for weeks.

My mother knows about Scott & me now. I'm not sure if I'd mentioned that here before. He's the first boy I ever told her about, and it feels so right and I'm not afraid or anything, to tell her that yes, I'm dating him. But oh it feels so strange! I have such issues with my mom learning personal details about my life.

Our relationship is so dysfunctional.

oh shit, son!  the whole dorm room (yes, kitchen & dining area included) are CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. it's so nice not having a roommate that comes and messes everything up and leaves fucking disgusting dishes in the sink for me to wash! well, technically, i still have a roommate (sigh) she's just out of town at the moment.

i'm really fucking looking forward to spring quarter. i can already foresee me being stressed out by art and english (as much as i love both of these subjects, i'm really not very good at them, ESPECIALLY art) and i may or may not pass this next biology course, but it will be nice not to have a hume class and not to have to worry about a biology lab.

missouri is out of the picture. so, i better fucking start doing better in all my classes! i feel like a dumbass for paying about $100 in application fees to schools that accepted me yet will never be graced by my prescence. ha.

it's 4:51. i ran for about 11 minutes today and walked six. it felt so good! i forgot how fucking good it feels to work out, especially run. i miss the nights my brother and i would spend at the track of slider middle school just running in the dark in the fresh wind. i think, overall, i had a pretty damn good childhood in texas. i can remember so many great things of the past eighteen years of my life.

it feels good to finally be in chicago, and to finally have someone who enjoys getting out and doing things with me, and to finally be making some new, fresh memories.

one hour and fifteen minutes until i can head off to the train station and meet scott. i best go shower now, and clean a bit.

I saw Jeff today.

It wasn't for long, of course. We met at a cafe a few blocks from here. I helped him out on his laptop a bit and we talked. He says he's going to El Paso in April to a court hearing to try to get custody over Sapphie back....fuckfuckfuck. I really don't want him to. I know he loves the kid, but she needs to be with Iris' parents, not him. I have faith that the court will realize that, though.

He gave me one of the letters Iris wrote to me. When I read it...holy shit I felt so depressed. I can't even begin to describe how completely depressed I felt. Like, every part of me just felt apathetic and  numb and ached. I used to want all the letters, but after reading one, I now know why he refuses to give them to me. Too much of the past brought back up. And I couldn't stop shaking for a while.

I used to think she deserved life and happiness more than anyone deserves everything. Jeff failed her, her children failed her, in a certain way, both Johnny and I failed her. What a sick terrible feeling is to know that you've failed someone that really matters, and that they're not around anymore to beg them to forgive you, and to try to make things better.

I think I'd forgotten how the good people are sometimes the saddest. I think it's the conscience.

God, I feel useless. What fucking consolation could I ever offer them? Especially while I myself am in this state. I used to sing in the shower. Now I panic and come out only to find out that I'm still as strange as I ever was, and that life is still what it's always been.

I may never be free of this growing apathy.