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i guess i just have to take it day by day 1 /+ add
January 14th, 2009 at 07:32 pm / +mem / edit

I thought you were suppose to grow stronger after you've made mistakes. Why do i feel so guilty and helpless. And why do i still have strong feelings for him after he put me through so much shit? And why would he call me crying? Saying that he felt guilty about everything and he thinks that we made a mistake having the abortion. Why would you tell me this now? Now when I'm not even handling it well. Everyday after i had that done i've done nothing but cry, bc i feel like a let everyone down, and im thinking you know what about the innocent child i had inside of me, i could of raised it...sure it would of been HARD but I'm sure i would of had plenty of support..maybe not so much from my family but theres help out there. Then I look at my sister, and I always told myself i never wanted to end up like that, and i was you know doing what i thought was helping preventing from getting pregnant, birth control and yada yada...but i guess the best thing is to just not have sex.
I just hate feeling like this, and I just feel like i have noone to talk too. Which i know i do but its just i dont know i dont get what i need from talking to them. I still feel like shit about everything. I guess only time can heal a broken heart. I hate still having feelings for him too. Day to day i think of him and wondering if he misses me or thinks about me even just for a second. i dont think i would of gone through with this if i knew i would be taking it so hard. Before i went to have it done i did think out of all my options and all of them i felt like i would be a emotional wreck.
I've been listening to that britney spears song-someday i will understand...and i feel like its so perfect. I believe in heaven and i think everyone who dies goes there, and i think about the abortion and i know that the kid is in heaven, and i just want him/her to know that i am terribly sorry and i hope someday they will understand.
I thought that it would be an easy thing to go through you know since i didnt like see it in person or anything, but the thought that i actually had something living and growing inside of me and i took it away, it kills me. And im really afraid im gonna go into like a mental break down. And i dont need to go through that, i can't but its so hard to handle all of this right now. I just need a hug and someone to tell me everything will be okay and to just be here for me. And i feel even worse now bc i just got the job at my moms work [ IRS ]  so i'll be making 2700 a month and im thinking wow you knwo i could of kept that baby and made it pretty good.
I think man if i would of been able to go to KENT this past fall i wouldnt of been in this situation, i would of never met him, i would of been doing the college thing which is what i want more than anything... so there i go again just putting myself down.
Well it really feels good to be able to get everything out, it doesnt help the crying stop but it helps a little. Someday i will be okay i hope..

second appt. the procedure 2 /+ add
January 9th, 2009 at 03:26 pm / +mem / edit

Well today was the second appt. .. the actualy procedure. I really didnt want Donny to take me...but he did. I didnt want him too bc i knew that there would be NO talking and i just wanted someone there who loved me. And of course.. he picked me up and DIDNT say one word the whole entire time... until we get in my drive way. He asks why ive been talking to the like um i have NO DESIRE to talk to the dumb ass bitch who threatens me and my whole family including my little neicees. to me she's a pussy so why would i talk to her. he's like why are u lying to me and shit.. i was like fuck u im not lying..pull up my phone recorrds, neither of us have anything to talk to eachother about unless its her calling me complaining about how u cheated on her again and that you're a jack ass and then i laugh at her and be like well your a dumbass. but he's like ge the fuck out of my truck, and let me tell ya i got outta that truck SLOWER than u could imagine just to PISS him offf. and then i slam the door. and he drives off all fast acting like a jackass.

so .. im not feeling too hot right now.. its a rough day

but my mom actually called and asked how i was today. She knows.. i told her. and she called today and asked how i was doing and it made me realize that she does love me. and she asked if she could take me out to dinner and a movie this evening so this will give me a chance to tell her everything about donny and stuff. and how i feel. i really want to start having a better relationship with my mom. bc reguardless i love her, she's my hero. she's been through so much in life and she's still strong. so hopefully all goes well tonight....and my mind will be off all this other stuff.

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January 3rd, 2009 at 07:08 pm / +mem / edit

well yesterday was my first appt. the appt went well.. except one thing i wasnt too happy about. but anyway. jack ass ended up actually taking me. he calls me thursday night complaining about how him and the new girl broke up adn that he made a mistake breaking up with me and yada yada..of course my dumb ass believes him... so you can only imagine what i ended up doing with him be4 my appt... yeah.
so he calls me a little later after he drops me off at home after the appt. and says he made a mistake and that him and the bitch never broke up and he jsut wanted sex and shit. okay so by this point i could seriously kill him.. but then i realized its NOT worth my time. he's a douche bag.. always will be. I'm so much BETTER than that, i deserve so MUCH better than that. I can't even stand to look at him, and i think if i saw him i would kill him.. apparently he doesnt like fat ppl.. i hope a shit load of fat girls and guys jump his ass all at once and i hope they are all BLACK bc he's racist too.. so I think katie may end up taking me this friday to my second appt. hopefully all goes well.

it's time to worry about me and myself ONLY. FUCK ALL THE ASSHOLES in the WORLD idk i must have a sign on my head that says TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. seriously i have the worst luck with guys.
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December 31st, 2008 at 02:35 pm / +mem / edit

well...its been a while & boy let me tell ya a lot has happened. ..

Me not being able to go off to college this year has been nothing but a bummer for me. I was looking forward to that chance of getting away from everything i needed to exclude myself from. which consists of my mother constantly bringing me down, and the chaoticness of this house.
SO with not going off to college in August i began working. I had it good i was working two jobs, and i thought everything was going good at the Smallwood resisdence, boy was i mistaken clearly. Bc when October came along it all went down hill. Mom kept fighting with me and my sister and in result she kicked me out. At this point i knew i needed to get the hell out of there anyway bc i was so sick of this constent drama of worrying if my moms gonna blow up again, and the way she treats me sometimes i just dont deserve it. SO my dumbass moves in with this new boyfriend i just started seeing. YEAH clearly a bad mistake. but that lasted until Dec. so about two and half months of living with him. Thought things were good....oh no why would things go good in christy smallwoods life right? As soon as it goes good it all falls apart i've learned that i need to accept that. Anyway.... i found out he's not only lied ot me about basically everything i thought i knew about him, but he's also a prick. Bc in the two months of the relationship i got pregnant, YES if things couldnt get worse....LADIES watch out bc birth control is NOT 100% effective and somehow with my luck i get knocked up with birth control. So what does he do... he leaves me hanging. He now has a new girl yeah took him what like 5 hours to get a new one? Anyway he's apparrently been with her in the past and she broke up with him bc he cheated on her like 3 times... yeah and they are back together?? She's not dumb or anything...anyway she told me that HE's NOT HELPING ME with this whole pregnant thing bc she DOESNT want him too bc she doenst TRUST him. okay one how is that my problem...two this situation happen long LONG before he started talking to you again so yeah. ANd apparently he's not helping bc he doesnt want to loose her...
yeah so im in a situation ... a big one.. alone. I mean seriously how could someone be so heartless and mean. ?? 

I don't even know what  I want to do. I mean i think about all the options i have and they all sound good.. especially ones that dont involve him for 18 years.
I just wish there was a way to make him want to help .... i cant do this alone..
So that means i'm back HOME.. yeah....again... yay....

More...In november my aunt and uncle were in a very awful car accident..both died. SO my family is still copping with that. It's def. hard. But everyday is jsut a new day. I just think of them as on a vacation at a very happy place and one day i will join them..

Christmas was okay. I got to see my dads side of the family which made it a little better than okay i suppose. It was nice seeing them. but a little weird too bc i havent seen them in sooo sooo soo long...

well im gonna try to use this thing more often...we'll see

2 /+ add
June 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am / +mem / edit

well friday my grandma passed away. me and my mom were rushing to hospice but we got there too late. she was gone before we even got there. so mom let me go in there alone first, and i took a hold of her hand and i told her i loved her and told her that now she's with everyone she's lost in the past. I know that's what was best for her, but it's still hard ya know? .... 
keep my family in your prayers and thoughts thank you. 

I have to read a poem at her funeral tomorrow and im really nervous..