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Sunday, March 9th, 2008
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8:40 pm - to whom it may concern
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I've come to realise it really does not matter if doctors diagnose me as DID or not.. If what I find is helpful to me, it helps and that's it. I don't care who "believes" me or not.. I'm still going to have it.
It's just that it makes me a bit quirky.. Quirky can sometimes be good.. But I never, never asked to be like this.. I never asked dissociation to come and save me, but it did. And I'm alive. Struggling, but alive. It's sometimes good, but there are days when I truly wish I wasn't like this, that all these thoughts racing through my head could stop.. but I can't stop them.
And losing time.. Well.. Maybe I will always be lost in time.. And if that's what I've got to face, then I'll try and learn to deal with it.
Sometimes it feels like this is all too much, that it would just be better if I stopped existing, and killed all the others as well, or found a way to kill the others and save me, but sometimes I wonder, if I even exist.
I want this book. And all books concerning DID. And I've always got PC, that's a start too..
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ohh screw it all..... cassie
current mood:  wanna be safe.
current music: bobby mcferrin - 23rd psalm
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
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7:46 pm - So hello, good friend
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School was okay.
Pdoc's was okay.
I came home, started browsing the Too Faced website.
Then I lost time. I found seven items in my shopping basket, and I remember adding only one. The other items were tacky and ones that do not compliment my complexion / just not my style.
A new alter emerging? Probably. fxck. adasfsgffsrgfdrrkmtmkrdmkdt I hate this. I don't want to remember more crazy shit.
Take a breath to distort the fear in your eyes..
No wonder I feel so worn out, though today was a fairly short day. Tomorrow is too, but I've got module groups, and now I'm not sure which group I should be in, but I guess it will be sorted out tomorrow. I don't care which group I'm in.. I just... gah. want things to be clear.
I feel like I've got to handle too much at once. And I haven't had time to be nice to the little one, I really tried, I even downloaded Creatures Adventures for them, thinking they would like it, but I can't seem to install it. I hope the reigns will still be in my hands. I don't want to lose time. I don't want to act weird around people...
To hell with them headaches!
current mood: :/
current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Behold! The Night Mare
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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10:44 am
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Frickin idiots, Rosie's crying.
I'm selfish.
I'll get her paper and paint. I bet she likes to paint. Now she feels better.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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10:43 am
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10:40 am
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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5:59 pm
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so full of hate right now.. how can old men be so sick.. i am disgusted and i hate that the dogs have to be there with them.. sick people.. i can't speak with them.. i am too afraid.. and too full of rage at the same time.. have no other way to let it out but cut.. but won't do it.. won't let down my best friend.. i have to hold my head up high and show everyone that i am.. normal.. i can be normal.. face the difficulties of life.. even with all this hatred inside..
cassie
ps. if he wants to hire my mom to clean up his house, he will rape her!!! i can not let that happen.
current mood:  aggravated
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1:19 pm - whew
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rose made us upset, lyra took 15 mg of oxazepam to make it better.
she liked the food we cooked. it is good that she is satisfied.
it feels so weird to live with all this.
current mood:  ?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
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10:19 pm - first one
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i have recently realised there's a "we"... i feel very unsafe most of the time. rose, the little one of us, wants attention a lot. when she wants attention, i feel something's really wrong. i feel anxious. when she gets attention, for example, cuddling with a stuffed toy, it gets better.
this is all very weird. i'm new to all this. hi.
- katie
current mood:  surprised
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(comment on this)
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