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Friday, April 11th, 2008
10:22 am - Finally, some rest.
So, yesterday I got a call around 8 am from the hospital. My pdoc wanted to see me and discuss all things sick leave with me. When I arrived, it turned out that I wasn't seeing my own pdoc but somebody else because my pdoc had something else. Oh well. I sat down with the other lady and talked. She put me on sick leave, a very long one too. I'm officially unable to work and study until August 31st..... for now.

My parents were all fine about it... I explained that they are suspecting epilepsy.. Which is why I'm being sent to EEG. And that I'm really not doing well at school. I didn't tell them I've been skipping and that I'm depressed. Mom always thinks she knows why I'm depressed ("because you're on the computer too much", I think would be her favourite reason). Dad thinks it's a phase I will get over. Surely I will... I'm bipolar hahaha.

But it just takes too long to get over with.

Now? I don't know. I guess all I'm gonna do is rest and take one day at a time. I'm feeling a bit better because I'm officially on sick leave and not just skipping school. I'm starting to look forward to things... summer and all. It's going to be such a great summer. I'm without the stupid friends, and have the people I need. I just know it's going to be good.


current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
9:41 pm - Blah.
Dad was drunk. Then in the evening when he woke up (he fell asleep in the afternoon after drinking heavily out of the house, I don't know what happened exactly) he started accusing me and my mom and telling us that we always ruin everything he has done, and that he saw no reason in me changing my name and yadda yadda yadda.

I'm still in shock. He rarely starts accusing me, but this time he meant it because he pointed out that also I have contributed to the fact. Sad. This will be yet another triggering thing in my book.

At least I got to be alone. My mom is okay with me not going to school tomorrow, I'm faking sick. My T is going to talk with my pdoc about putting me on sick leave.. So it's going to happen and I'm officially going to be on sick leave very soon. Which means some rest, and rest is good.

Now, it's 10:04pm, I'm very tired and maybe hallucinating. Holy crap. I better go.


current mood: been better
current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Porcelina of the Vast Oceans

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Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
7:38 pm - Field day
Today I skipped school, faked sick. Not much has happened, but my mood has been stable. I don't feel hopeless, but I don't think there's much to look forward to, either. It's just surviving through the days.

I stopped taking Risperdal about a few weeks ago, and was doing fine without it. However, my pdoc suggested that I could take 1,5 mg in the morning and another 1,5 mg in the evening to reduce hypotension which I got. I also was very tired, was out of breath when walking very soon which I find abnormal.. But I'm not sure if it's because of Risperdal. It could also be that I have been a vegetarian for a good while now and haven't taken any supplements.

I started eating fish and other sea creatures on March 24th. I think it has improved my health already. If I get tired when I walk my dog again, I know it's because of Risperdal and I'm going to have to ask my pdoc for a change. She said that if the hypotension doesn't go away, we can lower my dose. Ha.

Internal life has been peaceful. The only thing that sort of bothers me is the constant chattering that goes on inside the head. Sometimes I don't understand any of it, but apparently I'm not supposed to hear it. Sly, huh?

The reason why I find it difficult to move on is, I think, because we as a whole are having difficulties with deciding what to do with our life. It's six human minds in one body, and we all have different plans and goals. I think I need some time to myself to figure those out, to negotiate, to try and make sense and try to figure out this crazy world and myselves.

Then I think I can carry on studying, or whatever it is that we decide to do.


current mood: contemplative
current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Thru the Eyes of Ruby

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Monday, April 7th, 2008
9:55 pm - Quick update.
Not much to say really... I've updated "Where Katie Goes Kaboom" a lot in the past couple of days, so if you want more details, go there.

Today I had a dentist's appointment, which went pretty well, they didn't do anything bad.

Dad was drunk in the morning, fought with mom... He was sober by six in the evening.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go to school.. Well, I'm going to school to skip school. I just can't handle it.

I haven't switched much lately, but I wonder when I will again.

Or maybe this is just a start of a better episode. After all, it is April, it feels more like spring now and stuff...

I will try and update later, most likely on Wednesday. I'm tired and will go to bed now. Nitey nite everyone.


current mood: okay
current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Beautiful

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
9:31 pm - Making decisions together.
So, I got off the computer around 4:30 pm, since my mom told me to (rofl!), and I just watched TV, then retreated to my room, which has no computer, no TV, absolutely nothing, and I decided to tidy it up a bit and then play around with make up. And I had fun! Listening to the radio, I don't even have a radio or a CD player in my room, I just have my cell phone which has a radio in it. It was just great.

Yeah, I redid my nails, and Katie chose to go with black. To symbolise the insecurity and depression inside, but I put glitter on top so it wouldn't look so gloomy. x) Now my nails look like a starry sky, and I love astronomy! This, truly is harmony. I'm glad Katie took over and put on the black, my options didn't look too good with the glitter on top.

I realised that I have skipped so much that I will probably not pass my courses. But I have tried my best, and I can't change what's been done. I'll just have to take the accusations and all the shit from my teachers, and try to get to the courses in the next period, tell them I'll try again next year or do the extra excercises.

I'm taking a deep breath, and mentally preparing us all for a big struggle. But I know that we can make it. I know a few of us choose life, like me, and we're ready to fight and convince the rest of the system.

Summer's so coming, to make up for the difficult months, the depths of psychosis, everything. It will all be paid back.


current mood: calm
current music: Justin Timberlake - Cry Me a River

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12:59 pm - A better day.
I had my bloodwork done this morning. I forgot the paper where the nurse puts down all the things that they need to check from my blood, but luckily the folks at the health care center had my info on the computer so they could still do the bloodwork. I got the coolest bandaid ever, a translucent one. Looks very "modern". Hehe.

Had a good lunch, tested this new kind of chocolate and found out it isn't as good as I thought it would be.... Took my dog out.. Now thinking of going back outside to blow bubbles if the sun starts shining again.

I always know spring is coming when my parents start doing more things outside. Now they're washing our carpets.. My dog vomited on them a few weeks ago. I think it was because she missed me. She's still not eating very well, she has to be handfed (what a fussy girl) and she'll only eat sausages and coldcuts from her own bowl. I think it will get better when I move back home in May.

Well, I just looked out of the window and I don't think there is going to be any sunshine anytime soon.

Yesterday I got new nail polish, it's clear with sparkles in it, it's from a Finnish small brand that I support, I usually use Pout or Urban Decay, I'm a make up addict, I confess... But anyway, the new nail polish is so cool, the sparkles are multicoloured, and now I can make my own version of Avon's Ruby Slipper out of any colour I have! I am excited to try new shades! Right now I'm wearing Baby Doll from Maybelline's Colorama, and the sparkle polish as a top coat. It's funky. Baby Doll is a sheer pink with a blue shift.

Inside my head it has been a good day. They're all calm, staying in the shadows. Some depressed but relieved we're not in school today, and some are just being. I'm enjoying this day. My dad is sober now, mom isn't ignoring him, all in all life is good. I almost feel normal. Better enjoy it while it lasts...


current mood: okay
current music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Beautiful

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
12:01 pm - Siphoning my brains into a bottle.
I skipped today, and I'm going to skip tomorrow. I'll go to school on Friday because I have to be present when we do our module assignment about establishing a restaurant. Which should be fun because there are no mean teachers present.

I actually liked my homeroom teacher before during Office Tools he flipped and called those who didn't understand the task idiots who don't understand English.

News flash: I think there is also, yet another new alter, a male jack russel terrier. He does not have a name. Maybe it's okay for us to name him.

My dad is getting drunk. There's a feeling of slight discomfort inside my head. He thinks we don't know but it is obvious.. He's going outside all the time, then spends a little time indoors, it's crazy.

At least I have now completed and sent my application to Sweden. I still have some things to do, but I will take care of them today, before I go see my T.

I also wonder how my T sesh will go. I'm a little anxious because I have so many negative things to say and I don't want to sound overdramatic. Oh, how I wish I was being overdramatic.

I feel dead, to be honest. But I must keep trying.. can't give up now.. It will be better when I come back from T.. It will be better when it's summer again..


current mood: dead
current music: Cyclefly - Drive

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Monday, March 31st, 2008
11:48 am - When you're chained to the mirror and the razorblade.
I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've managed to pull through 75 minutes of text processing with Microsoft Word, and I'm already completely worn out. It feels so difficult to just be. I don't know what I could do to try to ease the pain.

I don't even want to go shopping. Katie loves shopping. I have to go and buy some food but I don't know. I need to buy cereal, nail polish remover, cotton pads. I need to do this and that and it is overwhelming.

Whoops, I forgot, I have to call my T about switching. I'm going to do that now, but I won't be coming back.

Sorry this had to be such a short one, but I really need my T.


current mood: confused
current music: DJ Tiësto - Just Be (in my head)

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Sunday, March 30th, 2008
7:21 pm - Whole Lotta Switching
So yeah, it's been a quite eventful weekend. I lost time (switched) on Friday. According to the information my bf gave me, Katie was present. Then on Saturday I also switched during a walk. I woke up in the middle of a forest and asked my bf, where the fuck are we? XD

And last night was a pain in the arse. Something weird happened, I woke up around 2 in the morning, and my head was full of accusations, flashbacks, all kinds of bad stuff. I couldn't get sleep until my darling asked me if I had a tranquilizer and I remembered that I had oxazepam with me. I took 15 mg and was asleep in 30 minutes. I woke up three hours after.

I realised that I switch either at home (when alone), at my apartment (when alone), and when alone, and with my bf. He's the only one I feel safe with. It was heartbreaking when he walked me to the train station today, and we hugged, and I almost broke down crying but I pulled myself together, took an another 15 mg tablet of Miss O. to ease the pain, and I managed to pull through for the whole trip.

I look forward to July, when I get notified whether I get into the uni in Sweden or not. I really want to go. I need to get out of here. I don't feel safe at home, and I don't feel safe in my apartment.

An another thing I guess is worth mentioning: I was seriously thinking of crushing all my old Seroquel tabs or just gathering them up in case a bad day comes up. At the time I was laying next to my darling, and I stroked his hair and said to myself, no, I can't do it, I love this person way too much. As pathetic as it may seem, he is the one I live for right now.

Maybe more reasons will come later.

current mood: stressed
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

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Thursday, March 27th, 2008
2:41 pm - Under the Bridge
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

So today I went to school. No switching. Got no homework, but am supposed to make research on establishing a small business. Oh dear.

This morning the whole system felt better but when we got back home dad started drinking and now I feel like shit. Surprise surprise. Yesterday I was singing this song to myself before going to sleep and I can totally relate to it.

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie...

I love it. It's so me right now. I want to learn to play it with my guitar. It's just going to be a bit tricky since my guitar has only 4 strings, two are broken... So I should be buying another set of strings in the near future.

My dog is scared of my dad. She's shivering at my feet and starts shivering even more when he approaches. She probably thinks he smells bad. Which he does.

He's so annoying! This time I won't forgive him. I don't understand, and I don't have to understand why he is the way he is. I've had enough pain already! Both of my parents have humiliated me and taken my dignity several times. I don't have to forgive. I don't need to be treated bad.

My system is already feeling bad enough, why add this up to it?


current mood: aggravated
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
9:46 pm - Oogh. (The common subject)
Well, I went to the T and she said that it was nothing to worry about. If I find myself in the garden, and I really do something whilst I lose time, then we have to find out whether it's something else than just tiredom or something. She thinks I'm falling asleep and not realising it! Rofl.

The whole system is feeling a bit better. Cassie is comforted because I gave her attention. Usually it's Rose who wants attention but now it's Cassie. Which is fine. Everybody has their blue days.

I'm talking to my friend Will and learned that I don't have to put "an" in front of "another". Very interesting. You learn something new every day.

Mom is yelling at me because I oughta be sleeping.

Tomorrow I will go to school, and I won't switch! I will be around people, and I don't switch around people. Usually. Hehe. Christ. This can't be so hard.

Lyra (better sign all entries so I know who is talking when I read these in the future)

current mood: under the weather

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2:16 pm - Ooogh.
Yesterday I switched at school, in the morning, so much that I decided not to go to school. And this morning I slept in so I couldn't go to school.

This is starting to take over my life. I don't know what to do. I'm really desperate right now. I was thinking of telling my T that I lost a lot of time yesterday, blacking out and finding myself in weird places.. And asking if it's typical for psychosis, if it's because of the meds.. Or something.

I really am on the brink....

Cassie is really depressed & angry. She's gotten attention. Right now she is relieved. I am too. The others are quite confused, since they have no major problems.

Now... I shall wait for the T sesh to begin.... at 3:30 pm.


current mood: managing

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Monday, March 24th, 2008
3:28 pm - mistake
so sick.. of people who think other people are "games".. little games to play.. cheap entertainment.. even if they are not real.. we are right now dealing with someone who is responsible for my birth and it is very stressing.

and i... HATE you whoever you are in the end.. you're worth nothing..  i wish you never would have ended up being in my life.. it was NOT my fault.. i didn't choose to say "hr"... never... never, never, never...... i wish everyone else would realise this is doing us no good... we have got to stop this again... it was a horrible, horrible mistake.. i hate you..


current mood: angry
current music: hinder: "lips of an angel"

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Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
9:24 pm
Technorati Profile

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8:20 pm - My memory sucks.
So, I guess it would be interesting to take a look into my history, the parts that I remember.

I was humiliated many times by being brought into situations where I would go mute. I knew I could talk, but I just... couldn't. My parents tried to make me talk, with no success. Today, we had visitors, and I was _this_ close to going mute again. It was very scary for us all, being so close to the edge.

Then there's the abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse.. I was beaten up for every single thing. I wasn't really "bad".. I don't even remember anything that I did that would have been "bad". I remember begging they wouldn't do it because I hadn't done anything, but it was done anyway..
There's not much that I remember.. Just the birthdays gone wrong, where I was made a fool and humiliated. There was just one that I remember. The rest I have no idea of. I don't remember any of the events that were held when the spring semester ended and we were let out for the summer. No idea at all. Even when I graduated from high school, I don't remember anything from the actual ceremony or my party. And I wasn't even drunk.

I started getting depressed at 13. Manic at 16. Rapid cycling at 17. Drug and alcohol abuse at 18. I think I always was with "several others" but now I have a name for them. I didn't realise they were "people" or "personalities". I just thought it was my own way of coping with things, that I had a weird way of thinking. Now that I know it is DID, it all makes perfect sense.

This is not much, but I hope it has shed at least some light on my past. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm fairly well. Three reasons to be happy today.


current mood: depressed
current music: Suzanne Vega - Luka

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Thursday, March 20th, 2008
12:20 pm - To be diagnosed or not to be diagnosed
I was thinking if I should have a proper diagnosis to make things easier. E.g. have an excuse to skip school (hehe). No, really, switching and anxiety take over me so bad that I skip school a lot. And if I had a diagnosis, it would explain it to the teachers and maybe they would forgive me some of the absences.

But then again, bringing this issue up might send me back to the loony ward very quickly. I can't risk that. I'm not crazy, and I sure as hell don't need that kind of treatment, even though I feel hopeless. Maybe someplace else where they have more information on this.

Last night I had a weird dream. I was in the Far East, chased by jackals and various other wild animals. I was trying to chase them away by poking them with a stick.

Hopeless. Exactly how I have been trying to protect myself from my inner demons. Failing.

I wonder when things will get better...


current mood: crappy
current music: Oasis - Talk Tonight

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
7:56 pm - New alter emerging
Her name is Lana. She's 12.

I am terrified.

current mood: noooo >.<

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5:57 pm - Feelings
Okay, these things have been sitting in the back of my mind for a while now and I feel like I should write them out.

I moved out on Monday. I was really homesick for a few days, missing the home environment, and suddenly it struck me. "Why do I feel that way? Why do I miss the place where I have been abused?"

I don't know, but I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't miss home. I would only feel bad there. I don't have to feel bad on a daily basis. I don't need people who don't care about what happens to me after a long schoolday. I don't need people who get drunk in front of me and expect me to be okay with it, even when they get violent. I don't need people who want me to think I deserve all the abuse shot at me.

I don't need it. I need... I need love, warmth, understanding.

My sister has no idea how crazy my childhood was. She's 13 years older than me, and at the time I was born, she went to school. I know she, too, had it bad. She wasn't allowed to do things, my parents were very strict. They were different with me, but I wasn't allowed to do much either. Contrary to what my sister thinks.

She always says our lives are like day and night, but I feel offended when she says that. She makes it sound like I was the spoiled brat.

I'm a nobody, really.

My life is such a blur. I'm just... Lost in time. And guess what? I want my childhood to remain a blur. I don't want to remember why I went mute in certain situations.. I don't want to remember any crazy shit. Maybe later, when I'm ready for that. But now? I'm just trying to gather myselves.. So I can carry the pieces around.

That's the way I'm gonna have it for a while.

Maybe someday we will integrate.. I don't expect it, but I hope I will get to that point one day. Then we will take the name of our core. Which is me, Lyra. I've changed my name once, because I hated my given name. But even my new name doesn't feel like my name. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's just not mine.

That's all from me today. I'm glad I got these out of my head. I am now on my own, and okay with it. I can survive. I'm not weak, I deserve better.

The best thing is that I have found the one who gives me love, warmth and understanding. He keeps me alive. <3


current mood: okay
current music: Sevendust - Pieces

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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
7:43 pm - forgotten boy, abandoned creation
Today I feel like shit again. A worthless piece of shit, to be honest. I wonder if I can even make it in this world. Being such a weak little creature. Always messing things up. And alters making things even more difficult because I can't stand the internal arguments, and sometimes I'm too tired to fight back when someone wants to hurt the body.

It's all just a hopeless mess.

And nobody can take DID from me, to lift the weight even just for a while, I have people I love but I do not feel worthy of their attention, and am afraid that in reality I mean nothing to them. That I'm just a second choice, like I have always been. Relationship and friend wise. If not a second choice, then at least arrogantly taken advantage of, had loads of shit poured all over me and expected to just grin and bear it.

If that is the case, then I hate me, and my life.

And school? I still feel terrible about it, but I guess I've got to do something before I leave this hellhole. If I can even leave. I feel so miserable thinking about me. It seems like future is just a gloomy dark space in the horizon. Summer's coming but it doesn't console me much.

I wish I just had time to do things on my own pace. I wish I always didn't feel so inferior and like a freak of nature with all my alters and the constant chattering inside my head. Like I was a frickin radio or something, always making noise. Only in this case it bothers just me. If everybody else heard it, too, I wouldn't feel so alone.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I know Cassie wants to cut but I will keep fighting. I'm tired of it. I see no progress, I see no future.. At least not today. Wonder if this is typical for DID?

That's all from me today. Have a good night folks.. Hope at least someone has one.


current mood: depressed
current music: Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

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Monday, March 10th, 2008
12:29 pm - Pondering about DID

I was just fetching water from the bathroom and i realised that i am happy in recluse. It's not because of my alters are keeping me company.. Haha, trust me, i do feel pretty darn lonely at times. They don't chat with each other inside my head. It's not like you can just lay back and listen to the conversation.

It's like your insides scream when someone's in agony. Strong feelings to end the story. But i can try to relieve their pain. So far it has worked.

The little one has been grateful of the attention she's been given. Apparently the school environment is good for her. I try to be nice to her, but i guess at some point i'm gonna have to stay strong and not let her have everything she wants.

Haha, i wonder if i'm missing a class. It doesn't matter, i hate that class anyway.

An another thing i hate is that every day is survival through different emotions and urges. And trying to stay in this world, not the dissociative one. I've heard it gets easier with age.

Surely it stops when you die. Ha, i'm just kidding. Half. But it doesn't mean that i'm gonna swallow a bottle of sedatives.

Sometimes somebody wants to, but It's not something that happens because one wants to. We all live in one body and we have to share. So that's when i have to relieve the pain.

I've heard that some folks never go to therapy. Maybe i can pull through too.

Apologies for the scattered thoughts..

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