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Katie & friends ([info]_katies) wrote,
@ 2008-03-19 17:57:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Current mood: okay
Current music:Sevendust - Pieces

Okay, these things have been sitting in the back of my mind for a while now and I feel like I should write them out.

I moved out on Monday. I was really homesick for a few days, missing the home environment, and suddenly it struck me. "Why do I feel that way? Why do I miss the place where I have been abused?"

I don't know, but I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't miss home. I would only feel bad there. I don't have to feel bad on a daily basis. I don't need people who don't care about what happens to me after a long schoolday. I don't need people who get drunk in front of me and expect me to be okay with it, even when they get violent. I don't need people who want me to think I deserve all the abuse shot at me.

I don't need it. I need... I need love, warmth, understanding.

My sister has no idea how crazy my childhood was. She's 13 years older than me, and at the time I was born, she went to school. I know she, too, had it bad. She wasn't allowed to do things, my parents were very strict. They were different with me, but I wasn't allowed to do much either. Contrary to what my sister thinks.

She always says our lives are like day and night, but I feel offended when she says that. She makes it sound like I was the spoiled brat.

I'm a nobody, really.

My life is such a blur. I'm just... Lost in time. And guess what? I want my childhood to remain a blur. I don't want to remember why I went mute in certain situations.. I don't want to remember any crazy shit. Maybe later, when I'm ready for that. But now? I'm just trying to gather myselves.. So I can carry the pieces around.

That's the way I'm gonna have it for a while.

Maybe someday we will integrate.. I don't expect it, but I hope I will get to that point one day. Then we will take the name of our core. Which is me, Lyra. I've changed my name once, because I hated my given name. But even my new name doesn't feel like my name. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's just not mine.

That's all from me today. I'm glad I got these out of my head. I am now on my own, and okay with it. I can survive. I'm not weak, I deserve better.

The best thing is that I have found the one who gives me love, warmth and understanding. He keeps me alive. <3


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