When Seth had promised Murphy that he would get back on track with his drinking, it had seemed like the easiest promise in the world to keep. But now that things had settled a little, and the two of them were living in the small apartment together, Seth felt the old urges kicking back in. Murphy's disappearance had been a very solid excuse to start drinking again, but Seth had gotten to the point where he didn't really need an excuse anymore. Walking home from work, he passed a pub and went inside for just a beer. Just one. When he came back out a half hour later, it had been four. He wasn't trashed by any means, but he was feeling pretty high. Walking the rest of the way home, he popped inside, calling about apologies for 'working late.'

Murphy had come home with Seth, though he didn't have too much going on in his life. His boss had offered him his old job back, whenever he was ready, and while he knew he'd go back to work soon he wasn't ready yet. So he'd cleaned up the apartment a little and he'd talked to Parker on the phone for a little while. He'd showered and napped and when Seth came in he was curled up in bed reading one of the books that Vegas had dropped off for him. When he heard Seth call out he put the book down and set up but didn't go off looking for him.

"Where are you?" It wasn't like there were many places to look in this place. The kitchen was practically part of the living room, and there were only two doors, one to the bedroom and one to the tiny nook of a bathroom. Seth shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it up, but missing the hook and not bothering to pick it up when it fell to the floor. He went into the bathroom first to get cleaned up, trying to erase the smell of the pub from his breath and body. When he was satisfied, he went into the bedroom and flopped onto the bed with a warm smile. "Hey."

"Hi." Murphy gave him a smile, but it wasn't as bright or energetic as they had been when they were together before. They had the potential to become that again but for now he couldn't help but feel discouraged that Seth was drinking again. Drinking still, now that he was back. It was hard to heal him the first time and now murphy had so much more to worry about. He couldn't give everything he had to Seth because he didn't have all the pieces anymore, he had to find them first, and it'd be hard with Seth drinking like he was. "How was work? Why'd you stay late?"

He didn't even stumble over the lie, it came very easily to him. "Time just got away from me. We got in this sweet little GTO, full overhaul. Some rich guy got in over his head on the restore and sent it into us." That part was true, but Seth hadn't stayed late to work on the thing. He'd left right on time to get to a bar. He comforted himself in that it hadn't been premeditated; he just needed a drink and now he was preventing Murphy from being hurt by that. All pretty innocent. He reached out and took Murphy's hand. "I love coming home to you."

Another small smile, but he knew he was being lied to. He tried to tell himself that his absence had been too much for the other boy, but now that he was back he couldn't fathom why he would keep drinking. Addiction was serious, but he just couldn't completely wrap his head around it. Not anymore. "I missed you so much." He'd tried not to think about him, but he always had.

"What did you miss the most?" he sat up a little and leaned against Murphy, wanting to be close to him. He pressed his cheek to the other boy's shoulder, adoring him utterly. Seth was an affectionate person with Murphy even when he was sober, but something about the loseness in his limbs spoke volumes about his mental state.

It didn't take much for Murphy to tell that he was drunk. He'd known from the second he came in the room. No amount of washing could hide the smell of it from his breath and though he'd cleaned up the scent of the bar still lingered under the soap. "I missed the nights when we would lay together in bed and you'd trace your fingertips over my palm and tell me all the things we were going to do." Like getting married and having children. All the places they were going to go together. The hawaii and to europe.

The ellusive future. Seth never wanted to make plans again just because it hurt too much to lose not only the person you loved, but the life you'd planned with them as well. "Do you still want to do all those things?" He had to ask, felt the overwhelming urge to find out as he laced his fingers against Murphy'a.

Murphy nodded. He did still want them. But did he think he was going to get them? No. He didn't. Instead he thought that he was going to spend the rest of his life recovering from something that had changed him to the core. One day, he thought, Seth would fall out of love with him, or fall too deeply in love with the bottle. Or maybe he'd just cease to exist, he didn't know. "I love you, Seth."

Instead of answering him back, Seth kissed him, lips seeking his mouth quickly while his hand came up to brace against the side of Murphy's cheek. Sooner rather than later, the kiss turned more lusty, mouth opening to deepen it. Seth was desperae for this kind of contact.

Murphy hadn't exactly been prepared for that, but he was used to having it when he didn't want it. That was how it had been for the past three years for the most part. There had been the rare occasions when he had wanted it, or when Adam had let him and Parker go at it instead and he always wanted it then. He opened his mouth, letting the kiss deepen. He gave minimal effort, just enough to seem interested, or enough that Adam had always assumed he was interested.

Seth didn't know how to distinguish between seemingly interested and really interested. He didn't have any reason to believe that Murphy didn't want him right then. Or maybe he simply wasn't thinking of anyone but himself right then. Seth could be very selfish when he was drinking. Breaking the kiss for a moment, he smiled. "Say you love me again?"

"I love you." The words came out easily, though they were more hollow now than before. The same i love you he reserved for Adam and not for Seth. Seth had gotten it before but now he was sinking into survival mode and it was the best he could do.

He wanted to hear it so badly that he didn't focus on the tone, but the words themselves. Falling back into kissing Murphy again, he loved how familiar his mouth felt. Murphy's body was home to him, and it had been a very long time. "Did you miss this too? I did. I missed this so much." The weight of his body pressed Murphy back from a sitting position into a laying position.

Murphy went easily, settling back. If he hadn't been drunk, if they had moved from point a to point b together, he would have been into it. He'd gotten into it a few times and he wasn't afraid of sex, not the way some victims were. It was so mechanical to him and he couldn't help but wonder if this was what other people felt, or if maybe he was just abnormal somehow. But he laid back and he shifted under Seth, pushing things along so that it didn't take longer than it needed to.

There were little clues, little differences, but Seth didn't want to see them, so he simply didn't. It was a lot like Adam, who delluded himself into believing he was living the perfect romantic fantasy. Seth was lying to himself to think he could have his cake and eat it too. He thought he could drink and be in control and be happy all at the same time. The way Murphy shifted beneath him made Seth groan a little. He needed it so badly. Slipping his thigh between Murphy's legs, he pressed pointedly against his groin as he wriggled on top of him, still kissing and licking at his lips.

The effort to get hard was minimal. After three years he could get hard on command. All he had to do was think about something he wanted. Most of the time it had been Seth. The first night they'd had sex. The first time they'd ever gone down on each other. The hotel room after prom. And after a while sometimes he thought about Parker. What it would be like to run his fingers through the boys dark hair while his mouth was wrapped around his cock. Silencing those negative things that Parker had a tendency to say when he was scared. That particular little fantasy also came with an immense amount of guilt, but it worked like a charm tonight and he was stiff against Seth's fingers, his hips rocking into his hand.

Seth thought it was all for him and he was so relieved that Murphy still wanted him after those years away. He smiled beneath the kiss, unable to keep from thinking that things were going to turn out perfectly. He dropped his kisses onto Murphy's neck now as he started to undress the both of them. He remembered Murphy's clothes, knew how to get each article off of him in record time. Before long, Murphy was naked and Seth was worshipping his way down the boy's chest, lips lingering against his stomach before took the other in his mouth, fingers resting against his thighs as he sucked.

Adam never went down on him. There was that little bit of disconnect that pulled him out of his stupor and he looked down at Seth, his hips shifting a little now because he liked the way he felt, he'd forgotten how good it could be. "Your mouth..." he squeaked, his voice a little breathy.

There was something about those words that really riled Seth up and he kept going, wanting to hear more. His tongue worked, remembering all of the right spots that got the prettiest pitches out of Murphy. But he wanted to take him so badly that he couldn't bring himself to spend too much time with his mouth. Instead, he kissed back up and then undressed himself, clothes landing in a pile on the floor, mingling pleasantly with Murphy's. He was completely aroused, ready, and he scooped his arms underneath Murphy's knees to crook them and part his thighs in the process.

He'd been pulled a little out of it, but the frantic way that Seth pushed his knees back and the way he stripped himself so quick just let him sink back into the way he felt when it first started. Sort of empty, not really there. Murphy didn't have the mind to tell him that they needed a condom, he hadn't used them there and though they'd been tested in the hospital they would need to be tested again in six months to be completely certain no diseases were passed between the boys.

Seth was definitely not thinking about how the love of his life had been forced (and in some cases not so forced) to fuck other people. He had him back and that's what mattered. Murphy was the same person. If Seth had been sober, completely in his own right mind, he would have noticed the differences and been alarmed by them, but if that had been the case, there would have been no differences to observe. Slicking himself with a little bit of the lubrication he kept in the bedside stand, he tossed the tube on the bed next to them and proceeded with pressing himself inside of Murphy. He couldn't stand to wait and so he thrust with a needful jerk of his hips, groaning when he finally, after three years, locked into the place that was so familiar and perfect.

It hurt, but he'd groan to like it a little rough. Murphy had always been the type to like his sex sweet and a little vanilla. He and Seth had experimented here and there but he liked it straight up slow and sensual, limbs tangled and mouths locked together. Now he moaned at the rough thrust, something that would have left him whimpering and in tears before now had him writhing a little, his hips grinding against Seth's.

Feeling Murphy's hardness against his stomach as he started to press into him made Seth that much more aroused by all of this. Seth always liked to be gentle with Murphy, but his body just wasn't cooperating at the moment. His eagerness showed through as a disregard for the way Murphy felt.

Murphy went with it. Panting and moaning and letting Seth fuck him as vigorously as he could manage. And when it was getting close to his climax he got a little vocal about it. "Yeah, I'm close." He moaned into Seth's ear. "Oh Adam." The name slipped out, coming out of his mouth by habit.

And that was the moment Seth's world fell apart for the second time in his life. There was nothing like hearing your lover call out a different name to sober you up and Seth came crashing down from his high. Pulling back away from him, he looked down at Murphy with the most wounded expression. "What?" he said so quietly it almost couldn't be heard

Murphy's eyes opened and he was pulled back into a shocking reality. His body ached and his chest was heavy. Pulled away into that place inside of his head and he hadn't felt those things but now he did. His breathing escalated and his head started to spin. "Oh god... get off of me." He was on the verge of panic over what all of this meant. "I'm gonna be sick."

The words were burning themselves into Seth's brain and he recoiled off of Murphy, sitting on the edge of the bed to watch him. He didn't know what to think, but his brain was going a mile a minute and none of it was good.

Murphy scrambled off of the bed and he managed to make it to the bathroom before throwing up. He felt sick thinking about what had just happened, what he'd just said. Laying his head against his forearm, he struggled to breathe around the dry heaves.

still here

Seth did not follow. He stayed on the bed with his knees hitched up to his chest, still trying to process what had happened. It was impossible to make sense of it though and all he could feel was hurt. He rested his forehead down against his knees, listening to the sound of Murphy gagging in the bathroom, one of the many joys of a small apartment.

The asthma attack started in the middle of the heavy and he was left struggling between being unable to breathe and feeling violently ill. It became quickly apparent that after the first round of watery bile that there was nothing left to throw up because there was nothing in his stomach, and so he just sank down to the floor and tried to focus his breathing without his inhaler, but he couldn't.

Seth couldn't move right away. Instead, he just listened to Murphy have an attack. The strained breaths sounded terrifying, but he just kept hearing that name over and over again in his head. It was hard to go from feeling so perfect to feeling so completely hollowed out. Finally, he got up and went into the bathroom, reaching up into the medicine cabinet to grab one of Murphy's emergency inhaler for him. He handed it to him and stood there to make sure he used it properly.

Murphy was shaking and he was so upset that he couldn't calm down. He used his inhaler once and then again after a few minutes had passed. The steroids let his lungs open up a little and it made it easier for him to breathe but he couldn't stop crying.

Seth wanted to be mad. He felt like he should on some levels, but that was the alcohol thinking. Sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, he didn't reach out a hand to comfort him, just laid his gaze on him heavily. After a little while, he unclenched his jaw so he could speak. "What the fuck was that, Murphy?"

"I just pulled inside of myself." Murphy said softly, his shoulders shaking as he cried and struggled to breathe. He couldn't even look up at him. "You just started pushing me and so I just did what I always did to make it okay." He pressed his hands over his face and he kept on shaking. "I just wanted to give you what you want."

"Pushing you?" That hit him in the gut almost as badly as being called 'Adam.' There was injury in the words and he had to look away from Murphy. "I thought you wanted it." His stomach was churning and he wished there was more than one bathroom in this shithole apartment.

"No. You are drunk." He wiped his hand over his eyes. "You've been drunk everyday since we came back to the apartment. You lied to me. I didn't want it but I didn't want to upset you."

"I'm not fucking drunk, Murphy. You've seen me drunk. This isn't drunk." It was splitting hairs and it was the sort of thing that Seth did when he was deep into his addiction. To him, there was a huge difference between tipsy, buzzed, and drunk. As if it mattered. "If you don't want to fuck me, then don't. Don't just go along with it and then call out his name. Jesus Christ."

Murphy was losing it. He started muttering apologies and he just kept his head down against his forearms. He wanted to die, he absolutely wanted to die at this point.

"Is that from him too?" he spat. "Am I just like Adam? Or am I worse?" Instead of breaking down into tears, he just got mad. Even if he wanted to just fall over sobbing, the alcohol in his system kept him up and angry. "Am I worse, Murphy? Tell me."

"No." Murphy felt completely humiliated. Naked, sick and unable to breathe. But this was something he was so used to that he didn't try to get up or get dressed. He just stayed on his knees, hunched over with his arms wrapped around himself. Eventually he was oging to get up, he'd get dresesd and then he planned to spend the rest of the afternoon locked in the tiny bathroom because he needed to be in a small space.

"Liar." He stormed out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. He desperately needed a beer or something, but goddamnit if he didn't have any booze in the house. He started to pick up this things so he could leave and he made it so far as stepping out of the front door and slamming it behind him before he stopped and leaned back against it for a moment. No, he couldn't leave Murphy like that, even if he wasn't in there with him. He sunk down to sit in the hall of the apartment building for a few seconds before he mustered up the courage to go back inside and put his things away.

When Murphy heard the door slam he got up and recovered his pajama bottoms from the bedroom and the hoodied sweatshirt he had had. He dressed quickly and grabbed his cellphone before retreating to the bathroom and the safety of the small room. Once he was there he went as far as to sit in the little stall shower with the door shut, his knees pulled up to his chest as he tried to recover.

Noticing the door closed, he assumed Murphy must be in there. Going to sit outside of the door, he hitched his knees up against his chest. "Murphy? I'm sorry." He didn't expect an answer, but he leaned his head against the door so that he could listen for sounds of distress.

Murphy had learned to be quiet. Before when he got upset he would cry and just try to be close to Seth to calm down, but now that the intial bout of tears were gone he sat in the shower, focusing his breathing and just trying to be as quiet as he possibly could be. When living with five people in such close proximity he'd had to learn to keep it down.

The silence was what made Seth's tears start. He put his hand flat against the door. "I'm sorry," he said again, quieter this time. "I think I've lost you to that place. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the hospital with your family. Maybe I'm not your family anymore." He mumbled through tears. He felt like such a piece of shit, all he wanted to do was go and drink, but he forced himself to stay. He couldn't leave.

Murphy was quiet for a long time before he replied. "You are my family, Seth. I'm just broken now. And I donrt know if I can fix you. I can't be there like I was last time and you can't have me and the alcohol. You'll lose me."

"Why can't I have both?" In his current state of mind, that was a perfectly acceptable answer. He didn't think about how his mother used to say that to his brother. Can't be a mother and an alcoholic, he used to say and she always refused to believe that. She'd drunk herself into a very early grave. "I'm not even drinking that much."

Murphy said nothing because he had nothing to say to that. He felt so low, so down that he wasn't even sure life was worth living. But seeing how much Vegas needed him to be okay and how much Seth needed him to be okay, he knew it wasn't an option. "Fine." he said finally.

Seth didn't know what that word meant. Things were not fine, and he realized that. Instead of replying, he just sat there, head resting against the door. Eventually, he started to doze off.

After a while Murphy calmed down enough to come out of the bathroom. When he opened the door and realized Seth was against it he opened it slower so he could lay him down on the floor. Instead of waking him or trying to get him up, Murphy just grabbed their pillows and blankets and laid down with him on the floor.

Seth was out for a little while, but when he woke up, he felt a wash of relief to see Murphy next to him. All in all, Seth had woken up stranger places than half-in, half-out of the bathroom. He put his hand against Murphy's cheek. "You don't have to save me, you know."

"If you don't get back to it you'll die. And I don't know if I am strong enough to be all the things you need me to be." Murphy whispered to him, still clinging to his side. "I don't want to lose you but I will if you keep drinking. You aren't the same person."

"You met me while I was drinking. You fell in love with me while I was drinking. It's too hard." Especially now that he had to think about the things that Murphy had been made to do while he was with Adam. That was selfish of him, definitely.

"You'll pick it over me one day." He whispered. "You are doing it now but one day when you pick it over me I won't be able to just sit there and take it. You won't have me anymore."

"I won't choose it over you. You'll leave me because of it. That's not the same thing." He didn't want to talk about this. But what else was there these days? He shut his eyes again, wishing the problem away.

"Yes. Because if you know I will leave and you do it anyway? That's choosing." Murphy was getting upset again so he sat up and went to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Was I really supposed to stay sober when I thought you were dead?" he called after him before he got up and followed him into the kitchen. "You and your brother pretend like it's so fucking easy. Like I even have a goddamn choice. Like everytime I don't have a drink in my hand, I'm not miserable."

"So then drink and don't be miserable and I'll be miserable for you. And you can get drunk and come home and fuck me and fall asleep, and I'll just lay down and take it so that you can be happy and you can drink yourself right to death."

Seth picked up a glass and threw it at the wall, shattering it to pieces and making a horrible sound. He was not this sort of person when he was sober, but more than a few glasses had suffered such a tantrum when he was drinking. "That's how she died. What ever made you think I'd be any different?" he yelled. "If you hate me so much, then maybe you should go stay with Vegas."

"Why, so you can die faster? Feel less guilty about being an alcoholic? People sober up for a reason, Seth. People get sober and they stay that way for the people that love them and they do it for themselves. So you relapsed. So what. Pull it together for me now. I need you now."

Those words were hard to ignore. Seth was fuming though, hands clenched at his sides. Everything was supposed to be fixed now that Murphy was back, but that was far from the case. Not that he wished the boy hadn't been found. When he finally let go of the tension in his body, he felt stupid for yelling and throwing things. Walking past Murphy, he got into the cleaning closet and pulled out the broom to wipe up his mess.

Murphy didn't know if he had lost or won this fight. He was too tired and too sad to care. So he turned and went back to the tiny bedroom and he crawled into the full bed that sometimes felt too small for the two of them. He missed their old apartment and he missed his old life, but he only let himself think about it for a few minutes and no longer.

When he was finished cleaning, he got himself a drink of water and stayed in the kitchen to think about what had just happened. It felt like forever before he felt prepared to go back into the bedroom. Climbing into bed, he kept his distance from Murphy, as much as he could anyway. "You're right, you know. I know you know, but I'm just telling you that I know too."

Murphy just nodded but didn't say anything else. He didn't even have another word left inside of him at the moment. He curled one hand under his head and closed his eyes. Part of him thought this was never going to work, but it wasn't a big enough part to make him want to stop trying. "Goodnight." he said finally. "I love you."

Seth wanted to tell Murphy that he didn't have to say that just to make him happy, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead, he shut his eyes and tried to sleep.