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Her eyes had shot up immediately, the moment she realized what Derek was talking about. Each passing word felt like a stab to her chest, that her heart was being pierced over and over, the images of Fabian's last stand suddenly becoming vivid in her mind. He went down fighting, she would have been proud? He went down fighting, she would have been...she would have been proud. She would have been proud. Her deep pride for Fabian was buried under all of the pain, and as much as she wanted to confirm to Derek that she was proud of him, she couldn't. Each breath she took was a struggle now, and she put her sleeve covered hand up to her mouth as Derek continued.

She ducked her gaze away again, thinking about the death eaters. They'd actually caught one? Merlin, that seemed like a bloody miracle these days. But what good would it do? Bess didn't think she'd feel any better if he was sent to Azkaban, or given the Kiss. He'd still have killed Fabian, he'd still have killed Gideon, taken Tristan's father away, there wasn't anything that could justify his attack, there was nothing that could make this right.

Bess began to wallow in her miserable thoughts, unable to deal with the fact that nothing would rectify this. Derek knew that, he had to know-----Bess slowly lifted her gaze up to him once again, listening to his final words. Was she mad at Fabian? She had been, for stupid reasons, but was she mad now? She could be, she should be---he'd chosen the Order so many times, in all those times that she threatened to walk away forever (and never really did), he'd always chosen the Order. Bess felt her eyes lose their focus again as she realized she was mad at him for making this stupid choice. How could he do that to everyone he loved?

"I hate him," she let out hoarsely, the words causing her eyes to sting with new tears, her chest clenching painfully. Bess felt like she couldn't breathe as the new wave of sobs hit her, and she pressed her hand to her chest harshly, trying to ebb the pain. It wasn't going to go away, "I----God, I----I hate him, I hate him I---he---" she was losing her balance on the swing and her food slid off, causing her to jerk, "---I---I--Fabian---"

She couldn't say it again, she couldn't find the breath inside of her to say it again, or to mean it.