Who: Sirius Black and Melinda McKinnon
What: He comes clean, she doesn't like it
Where: Her flat
Sirius bit his lip, looking down at his wand and resisted the urge to run and hide under his covers. Not because he didn't want to talk to Melinda, he just hadn't been outside of the Order house in weeks and before that…well who knew. He was a Gryffindor, he could do this. It was a simple spell and concentrating. Disapparating wasn't difficult for Sirius, the Marauders had been doing it practically forever, so why was he hesitating? Partly because he wasn't sure what was waiting for him – he had an emergency portkey, just in case of
that, but he didn't know how Melinda was. Was she working and busy and just going to blow him off? Or was she still upset and angry and going to punch him?
He sighed and shook his head. He needed to do this – not for her, but for himself. Sirius
loved her, to what extent, he wasn't really sure but he knew he cared a great deal about her and what she thought of him and he wasn't ready to let that go. So he was going to take Alice's advice and tell her about the Order and come clean with everything. At least everything he knew about. Closing his eyes, Sirius imagined her flat in his mind and disapparated with a pop. He opened them, with a great sigh of relief, into her flat and looked around, still a little jumpy and gripping his wand tightly.
"Melinda?" Sirius called out, clearing his throat a little at the end and walked into her place a little more. He'd owled, to make sure she was there, but that didn't mean she couldn't have disappeared or something. He wasn't wearing a cast on his leg anymore, but there was a slight limp there and he definitely looked like he'd been starved for a month, but most of the bruises were gone and James had done a good job healing the cuts and other wounds. It was his mind and all the nightmares that were unable to be fixed.
Her eyes lifted from the parchment she was writing, and Melinda sat at her desk, listening for more noise. She knew it was Sirius, she'd heard his voice but she could--tell. Biting the inside of her cheek, she forced herself not to disapparate and avoid anything he might want to say. She wasn't that heartless, she was going to at least give him a chance to speak for himself.
It was a strange situation. Melinda considered Sirius her boyfriend, because there really wasn't a better word for it. They did more than shag, now, but a boyfriend at her age usually meant someone you could be with and see yourself settling down with to start a family. The thoughts had been in Melinda's head for a while, wanting to find some sort of structure (hell, she'd even gone to China looking for a child to adopt, but the hassle was too much for the short burst of maternal instincts she'd been experiencing). Sirius---she loved him, she did, but Melinda knew it wasn't in the way he wanted her to. Ugh.
Couldn't he just, you know--hate her like the rest of the men she slept with?
Melinda pushed herself out of her chair and crossed over to the door of her office. She walked straight out, shoulders back and expression passive. Her eyebrows rose in question and Melinda leaned her shoulder into the wall. This wasn't a time to be comfortable.
Sirius gave her a half-smile and stashed his wand in his pocket (his wand holder Mr. Potter had given him was now missing and he couldn't be arsed to ask Frank to get him another auror worthy one) and crossed his arms over his chest, even though he just wanted a hug. He walk-limped a little closer to her, he just wanted to see her face and look at her, make sure she was fine.
"Hi." Ugh, Sirius, be more lame. "I – thanks for letting me come over. I'm sorry I didn't, that I did that stupid journal entry. I didn't know what to say at first and there's. There's just a lot of stuff I couldn't say to some of my friends, especially over the journals and those things aren't really safe and I would have come to see you but I had my leg in a cast and James and Remus stole my wand and everyone keeps slipping sleeping –" Sirius shook his head, "Can we sit down? My leg is tired. I'll explain everything I can. I wasn't lying to you, I've never lied. I've probably even told you stuff I shouldn't have."
Melinda motioned for the couch, across from her, but she didn't move. She didn't want to sit, because that would make things comfortable, more relaxed, and right now that was far from what she was feeling and wanted to feel. In her head, she was turning over his words, and little of it was making sense. Why would Potter and Lupin be involved with whatever mess Sirius had gotten himself into (because she did believe that, she didn't think he was off gallivanting)? No, she didn't like how this was starting off at all, and Melinda had the great feeling that she was going to be even angrier at Sirius before he finished telling his story.
"Go on," she said, her face still neutral as if she was in a meeting with some ass Wizengamot member that was attempting to shut down her committee, yet again. The pressure to disband was becoming greater and greater, but the only excuses they could give her were flimsy and pathetic; no, she wouldn't stop her crusade because some people were
scared.
Her arms crossed over her chest and Melinda let out a breath from her nose. This was going to be interesting.
Sirius sat down, but didn't relax. He didn't like how neutral and distant Melinda was being but he needed to explain stuff to her, to make things right, because he couldn't lose her too. He rested his hands on his knees, mostly to keep them from shaking as he tried to sort out what he needed to say in his head, but really, none of the planning and going over the material in his head was going to help, because Sirius generally just spoke what was on his mind.
"I, along with several other people including James, Remus, Peter and Lily, are part of this group called the Order of the Phoenix. We're lead by Albus Dumbledore and some of his trusted advisers and we've been working since the middle of my last year at Hogwarts. We're apparently the 'best and brightest' and have one thing in common," Sirius said, looking only at Melinda so she could see for herself how much he wasn't lying. "We all fight against Voldemort and his fuckwad Death Eaters."
Sirius bit his lip and cleared his throat a bit, "James and Frank were kidnapped in the months before the Order was formed and since then, we've been risking our lives to save the wizarding world. The ministry isn't doing anything about it, except getting in the way or even helping them. The Order has identified a number of Death Eaters and we're doing what we can to get in the way of their plans. As for me? All I can remember is going to my, my father's funeral with my cousin Andromeda. I went to talk to someone and there was a portkey. I've been missing for the past month and the Order has done all they could to find me; It wasn't until the thirtieth that they got a lead and Remus came to save me. I don't… I know who it is, or at least, I think I've figured it out. I don't remember much, I barely remember much of March, let alone any of April," Sirius frowned and ran one hand through his hair, clearly upset and having difficulty talking about it.
"We have a safe house, which James and the Order have been keeping me at so they could fix me up and it's – I cannot tell you where because of safety reasons. This is a war and I'm a soldier," he lifted his chin a little defiantly, "I'm sorry I didn't just tell you this, but I couldn't. Not over a journal and, mostly because I was afraid of what you were going to say. I'm not an idiot, I know who you are and more importantly I know who I am and I'm not good enough for you, but I can't let you go."
As ridiculous as it all sounded, Melinda knew it was all true. Her eyes narrowed as Sirius continued, forcing herself to remember every detail; she had her suspicions about her sister, as well, and this was just making them easier to believe. Something inside of her flared, angry that this had been going on right under her nose and she hadn't known, but the fire being built was also being fed by the ideals that it was...it was just
wrong. It was wrong of Dumbledore to recruit
children to fight this war for him, and the thought made her see Sirius not as the sex toy she'd started this whole thing with, but as a boy, as a young, scared
boy who was dealing with things far beyond his age and it was almost heartbreaking.
Almost, because Melinda knew that Sirius was a free-spirit and had a mind of his own; he'd made these decisions himself. Joining this Order, going out and fighting, attending the funeral of the patriarch of one of the darkest families in the wizarding world. He'd put this on himself, no matter how 'right' Dumbledore or anyone else found it. Oh---she was going to fucking
kill her sister if she found out that she was part of this---
mess.
Melinda pressed a hand to her forehead to try and stop the dull throbbing that was beginning right over her eyes. Migraines had been a constant presence for the last two months, and she felt ready to simply let her head explode, "You
are an idiot, that's the stupidest thing I have
ever heard, Sirius. I'm not---" She pursed her lips, dropping her hand.
"I'm not even going to lecture on how fucking dangerous and idiotic all of that is, I won't even acknowledge---there's a
right way to go about changing things!"
Well, it could have been worse, but Sirius wasn't going to smile because this was a serious conversation and he wanted Melinda to take him seriously. He nodded and bit his lip as he tried to come up with a response that wasn't petulant or 'well yeah'.
"I know. And there are people like you in this world who are doing it the right way, but there are people in this world that want to kill you and your colleagues.
They aren't going about changing things the
right way. They are killing and torturing and simply making people disappear. If they were playing by the rules, then I would be all for signing up for your committee, for helping you with peace rallies and getting the Wizengamot to listen, but the ministry," Sirius leaned forward to plead with her, "The ministry is rotten and wrong and we, the Order, we're just trying to keep people safe. And not even that! It's not like we're this huge army, it's more of a homemade militia. We aren't out patrolling the streets or anything; we just
have to do something."
Sirius really hoped this was getting through to her, "I have friends that are married and I know at least ten or fifteen people, my age, that are having families and I want this world to be safe for those children. I am not going to stand by and let someone who thinks he has the world figured out, just roll over everyone. I would love it if someone could come in and fix it all with a peace conference, I would lay my wand aside for that, but for
me, that option doesn't exist."
She knew he didn't mean it as a personal attack, but Melinda's pride was far too strong and---easily bruised, that she couldn't help but think of it as one. That what
she was doing wasn't enough, that Sirius didn't find it to be the way to end the madness going on in the wizarding world. As intense as she was, as serious as she was about stopping Voldemort (yes, she said his name, she was not going be afraid of a
name), Melinda played by the rules; if everyone went around breaking them and creating their own chaos, nothing would get solved. It didn't make any sense to her, the death eaters were just---
wrong, so doing the right thing, even if people didn't listen, was the best way to resolve things.
"I can't support this," she said, trying to remain stiff, but Melinda looked away as her voice cracked slightly. She couldn't support this, but she also knew that Sirius, and God forbid, Marlene, were going to keep doing what they were doing. They were going out and doing the absolutely insane missions and---whatever else their group did, because
she, Melinda, was not getting it done. Fucking
great, if Marlene died because of this---Melinda would never forgive herself. She looked back to Sirius, biting her tongue and shaking her head.
"I can't, Sirius, it's wrong."
Sirius stood up and crossed to where Melinda was, because this was killing him. He reached out and touched her shoulder – because what did that mean? She didn't support
him? Or just the Order? Or him being in the Order? "I love you. I-I try to show you, I really care for you and I want you to be with me. I need you and if you can ignore that this is what I do, that I run a pub and I play stupid jokes with my friends and I fight for our lives, then I don't care if you support it or me. I just want you."
He looked down at her and tilted her chin up to look at him and continued speaking softly, "I have to keep doing this, just as much as you have to keep going with your work. It's your life and your love and you live and breathe it.
This, this Order, it's mine. I would lay my life down for this cause, willingly. I'm not in it to kill people, or for revenge, I've already – there's too much death already," he said, pushing the thoughts of his brother out of his mind and forcing his voice to go on despite the cracking, "but I'm absolutely in this. Tell me what you want."
There it was, he was throwing that word at her again. Melinda had been
infuriated when he flung that out through the journals as if it was supposed to make her feel guilty or---or make things seem--well--she didn't
know, but what she
did know was that she
wasn't in love with Sirius and that it was fucking unfair of him to put her in this situation because he'd fucked up. Melinda had never been in love with
anyone (no, that was a lie, Mark Wood had been her Hogwarts sweetheart, but Melinda scoffed at the idea of growing up and marrying your first boyfriend), and every sensible part of her body told her that Sirius Black was not going to be the one to make her swoon and get all gooey and stupid like all these other women she saw. No, she wasn't being a
bitch as she knew people would describe her as, but Melinda knew, she
knew that when
she fell in love, she would
know and not be pissed off to the fucking twentieth degree when someone announced supposed devotion.
She pulled her face out of his hold quickly, shaking her head and moving away and around him into the living room. No, no, see---she'd never meant for this to get as serious (oy, that fucking
pun), "You can do whatever you want," she started, shaking her head and stalking back and forth in front of the couch, "You can do whatever you want, but don't you
dare," she whirled around to face him, "Don't you dare
insult me and ask me to ignore it, you fucking idiot!"
Melinda could not have been angrier at him, she couldn't understand where
any of this was coming from. Did he think she was stupid? Did he think she was some starry-eyed girl he'd bedded in school? She was a grown woman, she was an
adult, and all of this disgusting optimism he had with those three stupid words was just---she could
not understand it. He didn't love her, he
couldn't love her because they didn't---there were
other things to put into love, and Melinda knew, and it hurt to think that she could be so cold, but she knew that she hadn't given him the things needed to fall in love with her. Maybe Sirius was in love with the
idea of her, but she could not believe that he was feeling the true, heart thudding emotion that so many people gushed about.
"Absolutely in---"
what What, exactly? The more Melinda was recapping and thinking about it, the shittier she felt, but it was the truth and that's what she dealt with the best. Had he thought that they could go somewhere? Oh, God, she was going to hell for putting this boy through this, but had he
really? Absolutely in this? What,
what was he so invested in? Would he attempt to make it more? Did he think she'd---with a boy, a nineteen year old
boy, oh--Oh
God, she was such a fucking idiot, and tears stung Melinda's eyes sharply, feeling guilty beyond all definitions of the world, but mostly sorry for letting this go too far. No, she couldn't let him get anymore involved, not when she knew that it wasn't going to go where he wanted it to, "No, I'm not, I won't ignore it, and I can't live with it, so---"
She'd use it as an excuse to give him a chance and get over her and the supposed love he'd developed for her. Melinda crossed her arms and shook her head, eyes blazing. She was going to go to hell, "I can't do this, none of it."
"I'm not trying to insult you!" Sirius said, reeling a bit from her pulling away. He made a frustrated noise and dropped his hands and just looked at her searchingly. He couldn't understand why she was so angry at him. He hadn't
lied at all, he loved her and here she was, yelling at him and calling him an idiot. "I just. I believe in the same things as you, I just don't have the patience or ability to do it the way you do. I'm not insulting you! I have the utmost respect for you."
He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet, "I don't just, I don't do this with anyone. I
need you, Melinda. I'm fucking going out of my mind and you're killing me here. All I want is you. I've never asked you for anything. I've never pushed for anything from you and now all I want is for you to not do this."
Sirius sighed and looked up at her, trying not to break down. He just…couldn't handle losing her too. "It was stupid and foolish to think that you, someone like you would even be…" Sirius scoffed and motioned between himself and Melinda, shaking his head. "I didn't mean to insult you, I just thought. Thought that if you cared enough, that, that if you loved me back you would be able to let me do my work with the Order."
"That's---that's just the thing, Sirius," maybe she was overreacting, but Melinda didn't really believe it. Maybe she was freaking out at the prospect of a serious (that fucking pun was going to be the death of her), but she didn't believe that either. She was trying to make excuses up for herself for God knows what reason, and she was trying to make this all her own fault. Melinda should have known he was far more dedicated to this than she was, she just, she
should have known. She was the adult here,
she was the one with the experience and--
Oh, oh fuck. She was going to have a heart attack. She was angry and upset and terrified at the prospect of her sister being involved with this Order. Melinda understood where the basis was, why they would have formed such a thing, but they were---they would
always be the children she watched over the summer, Marlie was
always going to be her baby sister, there was
no way she wanted her fighting in this war, there was
nothing, no cause that Melinda would be all right with. This
Order had the heart, but she would not support something that put people who were just
not ready to take on the real world into situations like it does.
Melinda faced Sirius, eyes stern and jaw set. No---calm down. This wasn't some life-ending situation. She felt her shoulder relax, and suddenly she was quite at peace with her thoughts. This was the right thing to do. Melinda couldn't let this go on anymore, it was only going to hurt more.
"I don't love you, Sirius," she said smoothly, not blinking. "I'm sorry I lead you to believe that I did, but I don't---not like you want me to, at any rate." Melinda shook her head, crossing her arms, "I don't want to continue whatever this is."
She wasn't doing anything wrong.
Sirius struggled to keep his face straight, clenching his jaw tightly and trying to breathe slowly because he was going to freak out here any second. Melinda was. She didn't love him. And Sirius knew this he really did. He just thought she could. Eventually, if he loved her enough, or something. He looked up at the ceiling because there was no way he was going to cry like a baby in front of her. He blinked a few times, trying to keep himself under control, but it
hurt to hear those words from her.
"I-, I'm sorry you feel that way," he said quietly, finally looking down at her. He bit his lip to keep his chin from wobbling anymore and tried to collect his thoughts. What was he supposed to say too that? Of course she didn't love him. There was no possible way she could. Laura couldn't and Remus didn't. He was completely unlovable and this just proved it. "I know you think I'm a fucking idiot and you're mostly right and I'm a fool, but I love you and that's not going to go away. I'm sorry. Just sorry."
He hesitated a bit and turned to walk out the door but then turned back, opening his mouth as if to say something but couldn't bring himself to say anything. Right now he just needed his cat and James and to hide in his bed and ignore that this wasn't happening. He gave Melinda a sad look and a shrug before disapparating without even pulling his wand. He needed James.
