Who: Kalista Rosier and Antonin Dolohov
What: They come to an understanding
Where: Astronomy tower
When: April 25, 1978
Rating: PG-13
The parchment paper that had his handwriting on it had been in her hand for the last half an hour or so. She had been picking it up and putting it back down for quite some time, trying to get her mind straight. She was laying on her bed on her back, the note resting on her chest as she looked up at the ceiling. It was already, and with a glance to the side, she checked the clock. It was about 9:15, and she was alone in the room, left to think about what would happen is she met him at the astronomy tower. It wasn't an surprise that she was still upset about the other day, but she did mess up. It wasn't like she was cheating on him or anything, though. That was how he was acting, though. If they were anything 'official' she would have never done anything like what she had done with Zach. But, she had never been 'official' with anyone before. She had had a few relationships similar to that of the one she had to Antonin, but she had never felt anything towards them. This was all new to her, to gave a damn about what some guy thought about her. To feel guilty when she was with someone else. What Antonin walked in on never should have happened, but...if it didn't, would they be where they were now? She had even mentioned to him how sad it was that that was what opened thier eyes.
Rolling over onto her stomach she looked at the note once again before she pushed herself into a standing position. Changing out of her school uniform, she changed into something nicer. Nothing fancy, but it didn't involve a tie. A pair of form fitting jeans, sneakers, a few simple pieces of jewelry, and a nice top was worn. Even if she had decided to keep on her school clothes, she still would have looked stunning, but didn't want it to look like she didn't care enough. Her hair that had previously been pulled up into a messy ponytail was pulled down so her wavy golden locks framed her face. Staring into the mirror, she took a deep breathe and then exhaled it as a sigh, exiting the Girl's dorm to walk through the common room, and then finally climb through the Portrait hole.
Her feet carried her through the hallways, careful not to get caught out of bed as she moved towards the Astronomy tower.
Antonin had written the note without really thinking about it. He'd known he was sorry but he just... He never found it easy to say it, so a letter seemed sort of logical. He wanted to talk to her about it, sure, but... Well, apologies just weren't his forte. He still thought he had been in the right with everything he'd said the other day, even if he'd been telling her otherwise. He just didn't see how after everything they'd done that she would just use some other guy... Oy, he needed to stop thinking about it.
He'd disappeared up to the Astronomy Tower around seven that evening, staying up there the entire time and simply thinking. It was where he (and the majority of Hogwarts) came to think, but he tried his best to do so when no one else was around. He'd shoved several younger years out of the tower in annoyance, telling them it was occupied and to to come back tomorrow. After he was alone, he waited. He had made sure Kalista knew when he wanted her to be there, but the expected time had still been a few hours away. He could do a lot of thinking in a few hours. A surprising amount, even. He had thought about ways to actually say he was sorry without saying sorry, he'd thought of ways to confront her about his feelings without ever actually saying he cared for her, and he'd thought of... well, numerous other things, including how good a snog and/or shag that Kalista would be, but he wouldn't be telling her those sorts of things tonight. He had to have a level of restraint in this, didn't he?
Mmph.
However, all planned speeches seemed to disappear from his mind when she came to the Tower -- all precognitive rambles about how she was certainly a decent bird who he wouldn't mind being an official couple with evaporated on the spot and he was left trying to form some word - any word, so he could just stop gaping like a fish at what he had now decided was the most beautiful girl to ever have graced Hogwarts.
"Hey."
Antonin was going to become the next Casanova without a doubt.
She began to adjust the bracelet that was wrapped around her slender wrist as she climbed the steps to the tower. Her own thoughts had been racing through her mind, and was prepared to just let him say what he had to say, and then figure out what she would do from there. But, because of the fact that Antonin usually said a maximum of 5 words per sentance, that was sometimes a problem.
Her feet carried her to the door, and her hand rose up to turn the handle before she pushed it open. She stepped inside and took a glance behind her as she shut it, not knowing that he was going to be sitting there when she turned around. She wasn't sure if she would be the first one there, but now she knew. She stood in place and noticed that he was staring at her. It was the good kind of stare, though, not the creepy 'makes you feel rather uneasy' kind. She felt herself smirk when he finally spoke, her thumbs slipping into the front pockets of her jeans. "Hey." They stood in silence for a few more moments, feeling a warm night time breeze blow by. Taking a few steps over to the edge of the Tower, she leaned over the side and looked over her shoulder back to Antonin before she looked back to the open grounds of Hogwarts. "How long have you been waiting? Not long I hope."
Antonin shrugged softly, leaning himself against the edge of the balcony and looking over his shoulder at the ground below. He'd come up here several times when he was younger, when he would be feeling particularly broken and lonely, and often wondered what it would be like if he just fell. He never wanted to jump, of course, as suicide had always been something quite cowardly to him, but falling... Well, that was an accident. He'd made up long ideas about who would be upset and how distressing his friends might be - about the funeral the orphanage might have had for him - but than he'd remembered he had no parents to mourn for him as other kids might. It had managed to get him more down than he'd been before and he'd often storm back to his room and go back to sleep.
Shaking the thoughts from his head, he looked away from the ground, and instead looked up to the stars in the sky. Much less complicated view, he thought. "Not too long." He paused, before shrugging. "I came up early."
Wow.
He really doesn't say more than 5 words at a time.
"So... We should talk..."
Turning her head, she looked at him as he spoke. Why was it that she felt nervous at the moment? Her stomach was doing a million flips everytime she glanced in his direction. It could have something to do with the fact that she had screwed up in a very bad way, and even if he was sorry for saying what he did, she wasn't sure if she was truely forgiven. If she could take it back she would. Even though they wouldn't be at this point if she hadn't. They never would have said anything to eachother about how they feel. The world works in mysterious ways.
His short responses were expected, so she just turned to look back out ahead of her. "I think that's a good idea," she said with a sigh before she turned around so she could hop up on the lower part of the ledge. She pushed back her hair as another breeze blew it out of place. "You do realize that to accomplish this you'll have to...you know...say something, right?" She said with a raised brow, joking around with him. She knew he didn't talk much, and she didn't even mind...but right now he sort of had to if they were going to clear all this up. Her hands rested on either side of her, and her ankles crossed, waiting for him to say something else. Hopefully it'd be something that she could reply to, or add on to. If it wasn't, then she'd have to think of something, and her mind was in so many places it was hard to focus.
Antonin smiled weakly, still staring up at the sky above them. There were more stars visible out here than there were at his orphanage, the city lights often overpowering them. He found it comforting to be able to look up and find the milky way high in the sky. He didn't know why it was, it just... was. He shrugged lightly, placing his palms on the ledge and nodding.
"Yeah. I know."
Yet he was quiet again almost right away. He wasn't good at talking. He didn't know quite how to phrase thoughts, he figured no one cared about what he had to say in the first place, and thus he just remained quiet. It was easiest. He liked easy things. He had so many things he'd like to say, of course, yet he could never find a way to do so. Which would, in fact, be why he always had Severus look over his essays to make sure they were of good quality before handing them in. Much easier, he thought. Biting at his lip, he tried to think of how to tell her he enjoyed her company, how to tell her that he was hurt by her actions, how to... how to just say something that would break this stupid silence...
"I like you." A pause. "A lot."
She nodded as well, looking at him for a few moments before figuring it was best to not stare at him while he thought of something to say. It wasn't like he was the only one who was supposed to be saying something, but he was the one who said he wanted to try this 'talking' thing. And, he was the one who told her to come to the tower. He had to have had something in mind to say to her if he went through the trouble of writing the note for her to find. Antonin Dolohov was not an easy boy to figure out. He seemed to have a million layers, and she only knew one of them. She knew the distant, quiet, avoid people at all costs Antonin. Not that she was telling him her life story either...so they were both equally at fault. She was just the one who acted on her frustration of not knowing what was going on in his head.
Her lap had become oddly fascinating to her as she waited, and was happy to look up at him again when he spoke. His words made her stomach flip, and as much as she wanted to smile, she felt like she couldn't. Maybe she was in shock that he just...said it. It wasn't like he was saying he loved her or anything, but it was still a step. Swallowing roughly, she nodded her head, and tucked some hair behind her ear. "I think I already knew that..." she said quietly. Pausing, she took a deep breathe and exhaled it as a heavy sigh, her lap becoming interesting again. "I like you very much as well, Antonin...even though recently I haven't been doing a good job at showing it. I don't know if you believe me, but I hope that you do." She looked over to him, only seeing his profile. Even when she was looking directly at him, it was hard to read his expressions. He was just a closed book...and she knew for a fact that the pages couldn't be blank. There was something there.
He rubbed his neck lightly, leaning even farther against the balcony and closing his eyes again. It wasn't that he didn't believe her. He knew she was telling the truth, he just... He had a hard time being okay with it. Letting people in had never been a top priority or desire in his life. He had been perfectly content going through the years not having a girlfriend and being particularly nasty to anyone who showed any sort of approach towards an actual relationship. It wasn't that Antonin Dolohov didn't believe in or want love - no, that wasn't the case at all. He was just very wary about rushing in to those sorts of feelings. He had seen the way people tossed the word around so easily in their youth and he didn't want to be one as stupid as that. He had no definition for the word love, the dictionary being no help in that department, and he'd be damned if he'd use the word before he figured out what it was supposed to mean.
Clearing his throat, he looked over to her, watching her, waiting for something more, and when nothing came, he nodded. That was it? A simple nod? Even he knew that could be slightly cruel and, considering, he decided to speak. Again. "I know you mean it. " He said it slowly, quietly, to be sure that it came out sounding like the truth. He had a way of putting no emotion into his words, and if that ended up coming across in his tone this time, he knew it would just mean trouble. "Really."
Yes, because that one word totally reinforced his point.
A nod? That wasn't very promising. She swallowed roughly, feeling like both of them had just...opened up to one another, and now all he was doing was nodding his head. Her shoulders fell a bit, her hands folding delicately in her lap as her feet dangled over the ledge of the wall she was still perched up on. She had really fucked things up, hadn't she? By trying to get him to be jealous, by trying to get him to notice, she had dug herself a hole and slowly began to bury herself in it. Why did she do the things she did? For attention, of course. That was what it was all about. To get his attention. And, she got it alright. Got his attention, but lost his trust. That is, if she ever had that to begin with. Antonin was never one to open up. To anyone. Actually, she believed that she had gotten closer to him than anybody had before. Maybe she was just being cocky. But, no one knew a thing about Antonin Dolohov...then again, neither did she. She wanted that to change though. Very much.
His words brought her a little more confidence, even though they weren't very heartfelt, or told her what he was truely feeling. The extra word added last minute made her look at him, her torso turning towards him as her hand rested behind him on the ledge as she brought herself a little closer to him, leaning foreward with her head tilted to the side as she looked at him. "I don't know how else I can prove to you that I'm sorry for everything that I've done that has hurt you. But if you choose to take me back...take me as yours, and yours alone...I can promise you that I'll never hurt you. But...even if you don't choose me....I don't choose any one else." She glanced down and sighed. She found herself sounding like a complete tart.
Good Job, Rosier....
"Please...say something...?"
Antonin was quiet for a very long moment. His eyes were focused on something distant, his thoughts spinning, and he wasn't quite sure how to tell her he believed her in the simple way he knew how. He didn't know how to tell her the insecurities he held for relationships, he didn't know how to tell her how much he despised the thought of becoming attached to someone as he knew how painful it was to have them ripped away when you thought they'd be there forever. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment, taking a deep breath, and letting out in a long, worn out sigh.
He hated talking to people.
Fucking emotions.
"No you can't," he said finally. His words weren't cold, they were just... there. "You can't promise that. It's fucking impossible, Kalista." Dear God, he was starting to speak at length! "You can't guarantee you'll never hurt me, because no matter what we do, no matter where we fucking take this, you're going to. You have to. It's the way lo--relationships work. And before you start debating it, spouting off about some lack of trust or self-pitying bullshit about how badly you fucked up, let me point out a simple fact to you; no matter what, relationships end." The last word was said bitterly, his eyes staying focused on nothing as he continued to ramble. "Either you'll leave me, I'll leave you, or one of us will die. In case you haven't noticed, a war is starting out there, and none of us - none, no matter what side we choose - is going to be 100% safe. And if we both live through it... Then what? Will we stay together? Who knows. Will we get married? Maybe. But the unfortunate fact is that no matter what, death catches up, unexpectedly nine times out of ten, and one of us will hurt."
He shook his head, placing his palms against the cold stone of the balcony once more. He was quiet for a second, debating in his mind on whether to tell her just where the longest speech he'd ever given had come from, but apparently decided against it as he simply ended with; "Don't start a relationship with a promise you can't keep."
Well, she had asked for it, hadn't she? She had wanted him to speak, and he had. They just weren't the words she wanted to hear. She felt her shoulder round a little more as a frown came across her features. His words cut through her like a hot knife, and she could feel every muscle in her body becoming more tense as she thought about everything he was trying to prove. No matter what, relationships end. Her eyes closed for a moment, and she took a deep breathe before she shook her head. "I didn't mean-..." she sighed, rather frustrated, before opening her eyes to look ahead of her. "You know what, just forget it...I don't promise you anything. Better? That what you wanted?"
With a huff she hopped off of the ledge and took a few steps away from him, stopping before she crossed her arms over her chest and gave a shiver as a gust of cold wind blew past her. Her hair whipped around her and she turned to face him. "Just tell me what you want me to say. I obviously don't know. This is the most you've ever said to anyone as far as I know, so you obviously must care. But, then again, fuck, you just told me you did, so I didn't have to work too hard to figure that one out. For once in your life just say-what-you-want! Tell me so I know, so I don't have to go around guessing what you're feeling, or what you're thinking. Let me point out a simple fact to you; relationships never work if there isn't any communication." She took a few steps towards him. "You think I don't know there's a war going on out there? I'm not blind. And I'm sure as hell not as naive as people think I am. I'm not the kind of girl to just sit and look pretty while people are dying around me." Okay, his lack of eye contact was really starting to piss her off. "God damn it, Antonin, the least you can do is look at me..." Another night breeze passed over her skin, her body once again shaking ever so slightly. They weren't getting anywhere...and she just wanted this to work. She just wanted to go back inside with him, and...she just wanted this to work. He cared about her. She cared about him. That should be that...right? But, of course it wasn't. Things were always so fucking complicated.
"GOD DAMMIT, KALISTA, MAYBE I'D TALK IF YOU LISTENED." He hadn't meant to shout it, but it just came out. He pushed off the ledge himself, taking one step towards her and finally making eye contact like she had asked him to. "I don't talk because no one has EVER listened. I don't WANT anything from you - I don't want promises, I don't want empty vows, I don't to have to tell you what to say because I don't want to hear ANYTHING from you except what YOU'RE thinking. I express my thoughts in few words because I feel it's all that's fucking needed! It's all I can do, it's WHAT I do, it's WHO I am, AND I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE THAT JUST BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU A LITTLE FUCKING FRUSTRATED!"
He groaned in frustration, letting out a light "Fuck!" and shaking his head. "What makes you think we can't communicate without talking? People who love each other do it. People who know each other... they... they don't have to ramble on about emotions and fucking ... verbose thoughts and ideas for hours to be able to communicate. You're so focused on... on words and... and these fucking idea of what communication should be, rather than what it can be."
Pulling his bag from the ground, he shrugged. "But what was I expecting? After the way you've behaved for so many years, maybe you are just like every other fucking Slytherin girl. Predictable and boring and... Unwilling to look outside a realm that you're so boxed in to. Come find me when you start to see the world as I do, yeah?" He stormed past her, opening the door and heading down the stairs of the Astronomy Tower. Hadn't quite gone as he'd expected, of course, but well... When did things ever?
She actually flinched as he yelled at her. She...just wasn't expecting it. He hardly ever did anything but mumble, so hearing his voice get that loud actually made her stomach tie into knots. God, he made her feel so fucking stupid. Like everything she said just made things worse. Like she really was burying herself in everyword that escaped from her throat. She could feel a knot building up in her throat, and for some reason tears began to well up behind her eyes, but she fought hard not to let them fall. They both had tempers, and she didn't want to cry in front of him. He made her feel small at that very moment, and that wasn't something Kalista Rosier felt very often. She was confident. She held her own. She was smart, persuasive, beautiful. But she wasn't dumb. She didn't like feeling like she was, and every harsh word that was shot at her made her shrink and turn into a pathetic little girl. She felt her bottom lip quiver a little bit, and sent a glare at him, making it seem like she wasn't as hurt as she was pissed off.
And after all that, he thought this was over? Hell no.
She waited a few moments before turning and running after him down the steps. Eventually she caught up with him and grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "You...you fucking asshole..." She spat at him, finally feeling a tear fall from her eye down her cheek, even though she quickly wiped it away, hoping he wouldn't notice. "You want me to say what I feel? FINE! I want to be with you. I don't want anyone else. I want things to work. I-I want a relationship, okay? I want you to let me know you, so I don't have to ramble on. You close yourself off and expect me to read what you're thinking, or feeling, or want, or need, and it's too fucking hard if you're not going to break down whatever wall you have around you, just a little, to let me it! I'm trying okay?!"
With that she gave him a light shove in the chest, causing him to back up into a wall. Another tear gets wiped away roughly, not helping the fact that a couple more fell right after it. "I know so little about you...But I do know that that hair on your neck stands up when I kiss you, a-and that you can be gentle. I know that you like when it rains. I know that you can be looking at me, and see right through me at the same time...I know that sometimes, that scares me. I know that for some reason I feel safe with you, and I feel that sometimes you feel safe with me...when you want to." A pause was taken, and she wiped her eyes again. Her arms crossed over her chest, and she bit her lip, staring at the floor, angry and pathetically broken at the same time.
Antonin had groaned when she stopped him from walking away, closing his eyes in frustration as he listened to her talk. Fuck. Just fuck. His heart was beating heavily in his chest and he barely winced as he was pushed against the wall. He was a total fuck up - he knew that. It was all he'd ever been and ever would be, and here there was some girl caring about him and wanting to get close to him and all he could do was shove her away. He found flaws where there weren't any, cracks in a relationship that hadn't even formed... He hurt her so she couldn't hurt him. His throat tightened as he continued to listen to her talk, his eyes stinging as he held tears behind his closed lids, and he bit down roughly on his lip. His walls were threatening to crack and he didn't know if he could handle that - not even for her.
When she had finished, he was quiet. He took several deep, shaky breaths, but beyond that, he didn't make a sound. He felt scared and Antonin hated to feel scared - it brought him back to all those days, all those times he'd been hurt, everything... Everything was gone and he was so alone and he had learned to live this way and she... she was destroying that and... and he didn't mind and he didn't know why or what was changing in him and... and... without thinking, he placed his hands over his face as he felt himself starting to fall apart. He wasn't crying, but it was clear he was ready to, and when he heard Kalista take a step towards him, he quickly jumped away.
"Don't touch me!" He hadn't meant to and the moment it escaped from his lips, he let out a sigh of aggravation. "No, I mean... I just... It's... God dammit..." He choked on the sobs that wanted to come out, somehow managing to keep the tears at bay with how much he was blinking. He hadn't cried in front of anyone before and he wasn't about to start now. "I don't let people in, Kalista, I just don't. It's not how I function. It never has been. How can I tell you anything about me? No one knows shit about what I've been through and I've kept it that way for a fucking reason! I don't want the sympathy, I don't want the upsets, I don't want people to know I'm just another fucking Slytherin with a piss poor life who can't get over it no matter how hard he fucking tries." He scoffed a bit, placing the back of his head against the wall and looking up at the ceiling. He paused before letting out a rather furious yell, turning away from her. He couldn't tell her, he couldn't fucking tell her, it was just too much, too fucking much, and his head was spinning, and he placed his palms to his temples before sighing heavily.
"I've lost everything. My parents died when I was eight and to pay off my dad's debt, my fortune was completely spent. They sold all my stuff to get it back up again and I've been living in an orphanage for years - they hate me, I can't do magic to protect myself, and my life is pretty much fucking miserable. Bleak. Boring. I'm not as amazing as you think I am - I don't even have the money to buy you all the things you'd want like every other fucking rich boy in this house. You date me and you're dating something equivalent to what most of these assholes would look to as vermin. I don't have any family, I don't have many friends.... I don't have my own room, everything I own is second-hand... Even the clothes that aren't my school uniform barely look like clothes anymore. I've made myself out to be someone I'm not." He rubbed his forehead, turning slightly to sit down on the steps. "I'm a fucking mess, okay? Letting people in just runs the risk of losing them or getting hurt again... If you're going to try, you... you have to give me time. Or this isn't going to fucking work..."
She expected him to have some sort of retort. Something to say to make everything she just said not mean a damn thing.
But he didn't. He just stood there, breathing jagged breaths with his eyes closed. But nothing was said. Part of her just wanted to hit him again. Would he even feel it? Would he react to it? Would it make him look at her? Her head shook back and forth, as the thought ran through her mind, sniffling a little bit before looking up to see what he was doing. Her entire body froze as she watched him. It was almost like everything went in slow motion as she blinked and took a careful step closer to him...but once he shouted at her, she jumped and felt her heart beat quickly in her chest. Her long lashes blinked together many times, taking in everything he was saying. Or, at least she was trying to. Her vision was blurred a little, due to the tears forming once again behind her large, amber eyes, even though she, like himself, was trying not to let them fall. Obviously, she wasn't very good at it. Maybe it was because she hardly ever cried at all. Didn't get very much practice in trying not to.
Once he was finally sitting down, and was in one spot, she gave him a few seconds before she moved over to stand infront of him. Nodding her head as she took a seat beside him on the stairs, her body turned towards him. "I can do that..." she said quietly, the back of her hand wiping away more tears. Whether she should have added more or not, she didn't know, but she couldn't think of anything more to add.
Antonin swallowed roughly, his head lifting enough to look at her. The fact that she had chosen such a simple conformation made him smile gently, feeling much more reassured by that than any ramble she could have given. He didn't know what to say back, even, but he looked... somewhat relieved. He had been expecting her, for some strange reason, to completely despise him for having lied to her for so long - to make a big deal about his secrets. True, he hadn't told her all of them, but he'd gotten one off his chest and that was better than nothing. It was a start. A good start.
"Thank you," he muttered, taking her hand in his and feeling much more calm than he had a moment before. Leaning forward, he gently placed a kiss on her lips, before standing from his spot on the ground and offering her a hand. "It's late. Lets... just get to bed."
Because that seemed like the best plan he'd had all night.
