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Benji Sommer-Passos ([info]lockupyourgirls) wrote in [info]blueridgeau,
@ 2012-07-02 23:18:00


Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Characters: Benji, Taylor, & Eddie.
Setting: AFTER KIA DYING. HNGH.
Content: NSFW.
Summary: Tragic family time, what what.


"Look," Benji slurred, pointing two accusatory fingers at the reflection staring back at her from her mirror. She looked haggard at best, a complete mess at worst, with her eyes bloodshot and every bit of crazy she had flashing behind them. One of them was still blackened. "I d-didn't.. I didn't mean f-for this to.. happen. To her," she went on, though she was the only person currently occupying the room she stayed in at Taylor’s apartment. It was normally in a state of disarray and unpack even on a good day, but the state of it now was worse than ever, like the blonde hadn't made any attempt at all to clean up any of her things in weeks. Which, naturally, was true. Kia's funeral had only been a week and a half ago, and she hadn't cleaned or do anything for herself at all in that time, or since the incident a week before.

Drinking, now that she could do, and she was doing plenty of it. Benji was never a big drinker, not like her mothers, and that was what made everything to bitterly ironic. If she hadn’t been so drunk that night, she probably wouldn’t have ran her mouth so much, maybe she would have known was enough was enough, when to shut up and back down. Her reflexes could have been better. She should have known they were coming after them, just paces behind them on the way to the Jeep, but living was taking life into your own hands. God watches out for babies and morons, that's what her aunt Tatum always said. Just not this moron.

Besides that, now her aunt didn't say anything anymore, because she wasn't speaking to her. Lots of people weren't talking to Benji anymore, most in her family, but some outside. Some of her own best friends. Some of them pitied her, a lot of them were just plain angry with her, blamed her for all of it happening. And they were right, weren’t they? Why couldn’t she have been a little smarter, not such a loudmouth idiot? She shook her head violently, pointing to her reflection once more.

“It was an accident, i-it wasn’t even.. really m-my fault,” the tall blonde insisted, although she was already shaking her head again, in protest to her own words. It was her fault. Those guys had thought they were tough shit, and she thought it was funny. She had made it her game to show them up, to show off, like she was always doing. She taunted them, goaded them on. She had more balls than they did, she said. “It is though, dumbass, it is your.. stupid fault, l-like always.. dumb, d-dummy, always fucking up.”

People used to try to say Kia was too old for her, but really, she was too young for Kia. She had acted like a stupid kid, and gotten them into serious trouble. There was no taking back that night, that moment of ignorance. It wasn’t her fault, she was a victim too, they both were, nothing gave someone the right to attack them. But Benji provoked them, and that had everything to do with it. Kia was gone because of it.

“Why d-don’t you just shut up?” Benji groaned, after a moment of silence. “Just s-shut up already.” Reaching beside her, the blonde picked up the bottle of rum she had been drinking from, turning around and throwing it violently at the opposite wall, flinching with her hands over her face as it practically exploded. “Oh sorry,” she murmured, surveying the mess with her bloodshot eyes. Even as lost and wasted as she felt, she felt immediately bad. She had made a mess of Taylor’s room. She was always making a mess of everything.

“Sorry Tay, I’m s-sorry,” she went on, crouching down onto the floor and beginning to scoop up the pieces of broken bottle that was now littering the carpet. She didn’t even know if her sister was home. Did she work today? What day was today even? Lately, she mostly talked to herself. She didn’t want to see much of anyone else, and they didn’t really want to see her either. Even the ones who said they did, her parents, they were all suffering because everyone was cross at her. It was easier to just stay here, but she had made a terrible mess. Her wand was nearby, but she didn’t even think to go to it as she continued to meticulously pick up the shards, her fingertips getting bloody.


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[info]glittermonster
2012-07-03 12:02 am UTC (link)
To say things had been rough in the last few weeks was an understatement. Not only had Taylor been working more hours than she was payed for at the law firm she worked for, but she had taken Benji under her wing. It was the least she could do for her baby sister. Her heart had broken the second she had found Benji sitting in the ER's waiting room covered in blood. Their mothers were sympathetic, but the tension it had caused between their family and their aunt had made things worse than they already were. Having Benji stay with her was the only way she could ensure that her little sister was well taken care of. Their mother's hadn't been doing much better than the younger girl in the past few weeks.

Taylor let out a tired sigh and pulled herself out of her car, briefcase in hand. Today had been a long day, and she was looking forward to a relaxing evening at home. Eddie would be home soon too, and she was hoping that other woman would want take out for dinner. It would be the third night in a row, but she couldn't find the energy to put together a meal herself. Being an adult sucked like that most of the time. Taylor climbed the stairs to their apartment, and opened the door. She hadn't been in the door more than thirty seconds when she heard the bottle explode against Benji's bedroom wall. Shoulders slumping slightly, she made her way quickly to Benji's room.

"Ben?" She called frantically. She flung open the door and looked around quickly. She had to suppress the urge to cry as her eyes fell on Benji. "Oh, sweety..."

Taylor walked over to Benji and pulled the smaller girl away from the broken glass. She flicked her wand at the mess, its contents vanishing as if it had never happened. Next, she lead Benji over to the bed, sitting down and pulling the younger girl into her lap. She carefully removed the glass from Benji's cuts and healed them. After making sure Benji wasn't injured anywhere else, she held the girl tight. She could smell the booze on her younger sisters breath.

"What did I tell you 'bout drinking?" She murmured, running a soothing hand through Benji's knotted hair. She pressed a light kiss to her sisters temple, not realizing she was rocking the girl back and forth. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Ben. You're going to kill yourself."

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[info]lockupyourgirls
2012-07-03 12:38 am UTC (link)
Benji barely noticed that her sister was there until Taylor was leading her over toward the bed. She scooted up into the older girl's lap easily, head ducking instinctively under her chin, the familiar rhythm of rocking back and forth soothing her a little. It was a good feeling, it conjured up good memories of comfort, of growing up when they had been younger and Tay would look out for her, look after her. She had always held her when they were growing up and Benji was feeling down, but that had been once in a blue in moon. Benji had too much pride before.

Now it seemed like every day, at least once, Tay was having to rock her like this. She let herself be healed without a word, her eyes distant as she looked at the wall across from them, blank. "You said.. not to do it, ain't that right?" Ben finally muttered back, after a long silence. She tilted her head instinctively into the hand trying to make it's way through her hair. Kia always used to play with her hair, and just that simple realization was choking her up.

"W-Wouldn't it be a whole hell of a lot better if I did?" she asked softly. It was hard to hide how bitter she felt, but she reminded herself that she deserved it. If she had died too, or instead of Kia which would have been even better, that would have been fine. No one would have had to play the blame game. Their family wouldn't be fractured like this. "I wish I already was, s-shoulda been me.. shoulda been me, I don't got nothin' to.. she was important, Tay, she was everything."

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[info]brbbs
2012-07-03 12:54 am UTC (link)
Eddie had decided to keep the shop open a little bit later than usual. She had been closing early to get home and take care of the girls because she knew if she left them to their own devices long enough, they would burn the damn place down. She understood it though, Benji was a mess and she couldn't blame her for that. If she and Tay had been put in the same situation... Eddie couldn't even think about it.

She pulled into the driveway and with her bag slung over her shoulder, walked up to the house. It was eerily quiet as she made her way through the living room and kitchen, wondering if the girls were even home. That was when she heard Benji talking, the younger girl's voice broke her heart a million times over.

Eddie leaned into the doorway of the room where Benji had been staying and her eyes went wide at the mess. Normally it was just messy but this was a fucking train wreck. She caught the very last of what Benji had been saying though and crossed her arms firmly over her chest. "Y'all best stop talkin' like that girl," Eddie sniffled, stepping into the room. She sat down on the bed next to her girlfriend and Benji and reached over to take Benji's hand. "None of that nonsense, y'all hear?" she mumbled.

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[info]glittermonster
2012-07-03 02:35 am UTC (link)
"You gotta cut that shit out, babe," Taylor reprimanded Benji with a gentle tone. She wanted to add that Benji didn't want to end up like their mother, but she held that fact to herself. "Drinking yourself stupid ain't gonna bring her back Ben," she whispered. She drew the younger girl closer and kissed her sister's forehead again. "K-She wouldn't want you to do that to yourself."

Taylor's resolve broke a bit at her little sister's next words. She wanted to stay strong for Benji, someone had to, but watching a girl she loved so much break like this was wearing her down. She was thankful when she heard Eddie take over from the door way. It gave her the moment she needed to compose herself. She mouthed a silent "thank you" at her girlfriend as the other girl took Benji's hand.

"Don't you dare talk like that, Benji Sommer," Taylor squeezed her sister tightly. There were a few silent tears running down her face. "I know for a fact that Kia thought the same about you, otherwise she wouldn't have stood up for you! Don't waste what she did for you. She wouldn't want you wasting your life away without her!"

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[info]lockupyourgirls
2012-07-03 07:57 am UTC (link)
"But Kia.. l-loved to drink," Benji insisted gently, as if that really made a case for the way she had been behaving. Every day was little a struggle now. She would think of something that she really wanted to do every day, and then her brain would allow her about two seconds to realize that Kia wasn't there to do it with her, and shut down always shortly followed. Kia was gone, would never drink or party or smile ever again, no matter how much Benji had to drink. She would just get drunk and sad, exactly as she currently felt. "I'm sorry, I just.."

She trailed off when Eddie appeared in the doorway, shrinking a little more again Taylor as she came and sat beside them. She suddenly felt much worse about the mess she had made. She had always been so rude to Eddie and Tay when they were growing up, always picking on them for dating. But now that everything was gone to hell, they were two of the only people she had left, that even seemed to care what happened to her. If they blamed her, she couldn't detect it. But why wouldn't they? It was pretty plainly clear.

"I did this, I made.. I made it happen though, r-right? That's what everybody t-thinks, isn't it? Well, me too, I don't.. I shouldn't even have a life. I d-dont think I'll really.. y'know, do anything good. Kia was g-good, I'm no good," she murmured back, though she was already squeezing Eddie's hand. "I d-don't think I can live w-without her, it is a waste!"

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[info]brbbs
2012-07-03 01:12 pm UTC (link)
Benji had always been a little shit but that didn't change the fact that Eddie had always seen her like her own kid sister; she acted just like one. Eddie could feel tears pressing at her eyes. Sure the house was a mess and sure, Ben was a mess too, but they could work on it. Slowly but surely, they would work on it.

"You didn't do that to her," Eddie said firmly. "Those fuckin... those fuckin' son's a bitches did so don't you be sayin' it was you," tears finally broke and she could feel them running down her face. "Y'all are good, y'all got a good heart and yeah, you're gonna fuck up from time to time, like the damn mess of a house but that's fixable," Eddie insisted. "Y'all don't deserve to die and you're not a waste."

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[info]glittermonster
2012-07-03 10:29 pm UTC (link)
Taylor squeezed Benji tighter, as if she thought that the tighter she held her sister the more she could protect her from her demons. She wished she could find the right words to say to Benji, ones that could make things all better. She didn't though, and she was extremely grateful when Eddie chimed in. It was breaking her heart to hear her sister so ready to just give up on life. She let out a silent sob, and buried her face into Benji's hair.

"I love you so much, booger," Taylor choked out. "Please don't give up. You got so much to live for. Y-you don't wanna keep Kia waiting your whole life and then have nothin' to tell her when you finally do see her, do you? You wanna have a full life to tell her about. I know she'd want it that way."

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[info]lockupyourgirls
2012-07-03 10:42 pm UTC (link)
"I made 'em.. they wanted me, I.. I started the whole thing," Benji replied weakly, hiccuping back a sob a bit as she felt herself getting more choked up as the older girls began to cry. She had been putting it steadily into her own mind, that this was her fault and there was no two ways about it. Even when she tried to tell herself that it wasn't true, she kept coming back. If she hadn't made them go out that night in the first place, Kia would be with her.

"Love you too," the shorter blonde whispered back, inhaling shakily. "Don't call me that," she added in warning, content to just be rocked for a few more moments of silence in her sister's arms before she spoke up again. "What am I gonna say?" she asked, her voice cracking. Tears were already slipping down her cheeks, and she reached up to wipe at them. "I can't.. y-you think I can just live my life?"

She could go on living, just breathing and dragging herself through like this, of course. But not with someone else. Or at least it certainly didn't feel that way. It felt like a part of her was missing without Kia, and there wasn't anybody that could fill the void. "She was my soulmate, why did I do this?" she choked out, curling tighter into herself, burying her face away from Taylor and Eddie. "I can't.. I can't without her."

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[info]brbbs
2012-07-03 11:19 pm UTC (link)
"We know things are going to be hard," Eddie said soothingly. "And for a while it's going to hurt Ben but you have to pull yourself up a little bit more every day because otherwise you're going to drown. Kia would want you to live your life, just like Tay said."

She squeezed Benji's hand again. "Don't give up Ben, she wouldn't want that and we don't want that. You have to keep fighting."

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[info]glittermonster
2012-07-04 02:46 pm UTC (link)
"Ed's right, Ben," Taylor said. She wanted to encourage the girl as much as she could. She didn't know how else to deal with it. Taylor wasn't a therapist, she wasn't trained how to make things get better for her sister. She just hoped that with positive reinforcement that they could get past this, or at least get Benji to a point where she was willing to accept help other than out of a bottle. "It ain't gonna be easy, but you have to go on livin, baby."


"Ben, you're gonna hug her, and tell her how much you missed her!" Taylor said seriously, giving Benji a little shake. "You're gonna tell her all of the things you got to do in your life, and how she was right there with you the whole time. You know why?" Taylor took a shaking breath, there were tears running down her face, and she put her hand on Benji and Eddie's already entwined ones.

"Because she never really left you, booger," she told Benji. "She's still right here, in your heart.

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[info]lockupyourgirls
2012-07-05 05:23 pm UTC (link)
Some part of Benji wanted to be reassured, even comforted, by their words. But some other part of her brain just didn't want to hear it. How was she expected to do that? It was easy to get inspired to keep fighting, keep living, it all sounded great in theory. But she didn't know where to even start. "I don't know how," Benji admitted seriously, inhaling sharply and holding it, trying to keep herself from crying. She didn't want to start sobbing uncontrollably in front of her sister, but that was part of the uncontrollable thing.

"I can't wait that long, I can't-- what am I gonna do, you guys?" the blonde whimpered, focusing all three of their hands held together for a moment before pulling her own free, struggling to get out of Taylor's lap. "Let's.. let's just say, let's consider," she rambled, as she finally freed herself from the other two, moving over to the other side of the room, pacing slightly.

"Let's consider I live for.. I don't know, another twenty years. Fifty, a hundred. What.. what do I say? What do I do? I just-- hi, I just missed you the whole time, I was just.. just miserable! Horrible!" Benji ranted, tensing up as she spoke, practically shaking. "Without her, I'm.. I'm just nothing. I can't feel her, I can't feel her with me. I'm losing her, I'm.. details, all of the little details.."

Benji hesitated for a moment, before moving over to the closet, hesitating again before she actually opened it. She knew that some people, their parents among them, didn't think she should have kept the hoodie. It was terribly soiled, the blood had stained it all over, front and back. But Benji couldn't let it go. She grabbed it from where she had stashed it, holding it tightly against her chest. "Little details, like.. like her smell, and the sound of her voice. That's gone, it's.. consider that for a second. I'll never talk to her again. I'll just be.. like, be waiting."

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[info]brbbs
2012-07-07 10:54 pm UTC (link)
It was too much. Eddie felt like her heart was going to explode in her chest. She pressed her face into Taylor's shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't even know what to say, she didn't know what would make Benji feel any less worse about it.

"You just... you just have to live for the both of you now," Eddie said trying to keep the tears out of her voice. "It aint fair and it's a mighty big thing to ask of ya, but that's just the way it is."

"Y'all just try to keep as much of her as ya can," she sniffed.

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[info]glittermonster
2012-07-10 01:39 am UTC (link)
Taylor wrapped her arm around Eddie and pulled her close. She was beginning to panic. Watching her little sister falling apart in front of her was becoming harder and harder. What was she supposed to say? There was nothing she could do. Benji had a freaking blood covered hoodie stashed away for god sakes. Losing someone like that, Taylor couldn't even begin to imagine how her sister felt.

She got up from the bed and walked over to Benji, pulling her into a tight hug. "Ben, I know it seems like a hopeless effort to keep on living without her. It's scary, and a big thing to ask of someone as young as you, but you have to keep going. If you're not here, then who's gonna keep her alive? You've got to keep fighting, you're the only person who can keep her memory alive and do it justice."

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[info]lockupyourgirls
2012-07-10 09:48 am UTC (link)
Benji was losing her fight, between the drinking earlier and all of the emotions running high in her, she was slowly beginning to lose her grip. She just wanted to take the sweater, lay under the covers in her bed, and quite possibly never get up again. She let Taylor come to her and hug her again, but she was rigid, the hoodie still clutched in Benji's grip, right in between them. Like she was expecting the older girl to take it away or something. Benji knew it wasn't normal, but that didn't mean that it didn't help her. "I'm just.. scared that one day, I ain't gonna remember n-nothin' about her," the younger blonde admitted, exhaling shakily.

"I'll just wake up one day an' go.. Kia who? I can't just-- I can't move on, and make a future, and just forget the past. I know I gotta, I know I do, but movin' on is how ya forget things. Like, her eyes. She has the same eyes as auntie, and she smiles big like her dad when she's really happy. An' she.. likes to listen to her music really loud, and her favorite movie was the Lion King her whole life, and she broke her arm once when she was twelve," Benji rambled, getting everything out in one big burst, like she had been holding it in for ages.

"When I was eight, I gave her some of mom's perfume for her birthday, an' dad wanted kick my ass for swipin' it out of their room, but I didn't care. She held my hand the first time we went to the zoo when I was in first grade, 'cos I was too embarrassed to tell you I was scared of the bears, so she didn't tell either," the blonde sniffed, pulling the hoodie up closer to her face. "I'm gonna forget all this stuff, I can't do it."

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