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She's the only person that's been truly able to get under my skin. And I don't even know why. It might be this song that I've been listening to over and over [damn you, James Blunt] but I still feel remorseful. ``You're what, twenty five? Living at home, careerless, friendless ..`` Twenty two, actually. And living at home is somewhat of a cultural thing. See, we're not forced out into the world at eighteen years old. We, like I, always had the option to go. But I wondered if I had gone, what would've happened to my parents? They might've already been dead by now. With my fathers cancer and my brothers at that `rebellious` stage in their life, there's only so much that my mother could've handled. Without me here, she'd be forced to stay home everyday. Dad can't operate the business by himself. I took care of them. When I was younger, I had every thing I ever wanted. I asked for something and it was mine. I was the prince of my household. If I wanted, I could still ask today, albeit a little harder but I'd still get it. So how could I possibly leave people like that? It'd be selfish of me to do so. And I remind my brothers every day that it's a circle. We're put on the earth and our parents take care of us, and later on in their old age, we take care of them. I'm not speaking for everyone though. Some people have parents that're just big assholes. But mine've always been good to me. Patient, supportive, caring.

At least I'm able to justify myself, unlike somebody. ``We are not friends. We are nothing. Got it?`` Yeah. I got it. I get that you're the selfish one. See, I spent a long time mulling over things, feeling bad about myself. I started to believe that I might actually not `have any good in me.` < Her words. But earlier today, I gave James a ring, been meaning to get back to him since forever but I've been busy. The timing was just right, I guess.

I realized that none of it is my fault. It's hers. Which, I always knew, but now I understood. ``You'll never change, Saif.`` Of course not! You can't polish charm, it'll just shine the same way. She may not remember, but once upon a time, we were in fact, friends. And she liked m -- well, it was a two-way street. And if she liked me then, then why do I need to change? I'll tell you why: She changed. She's not the same person she was anymore. Something happened along the way, and I never lost interest, but I'll put the blame on myself for not prying as much as I should have to prove that I was, in fact, interested in her life.

But now she's `college girl supreme.` They say college changes a person. That and jail/religion. Maybe she was imprisoned over the summer and converted to Islam like 90% of all prison inmates? Whatever, man. I'm over it. If I'm suddenly not `real` to her, then she'll never exist to me either. Okay, that's a lie but it makes me feel better. Not like I already don't. It's not denial. She's full of denial for the both of us.

In the end, though, I don't hate her as much as she hates me. I don't hate her at all. I was just mad for a while, then confused, then hurt, but better now. We'll probably never speak to one another again, and although I'll have a hard time with it at first, I'm sure it'll only get easier as time goes on. I mean it's not like we've been chattin' it up in the past few months anyway. That just makes it that much easier. But I hope she's happy, not just with her decision, but wherever she goes from here.