I was drunk when I left. Alright? I was completely and utterly smashed. I was for almost the entire time I was in Rome. I was completely and utterly seduced by a well rehearsed, charming, porn star. Who got me so drunk I could barely walk and think. Everytime I would even remotely think of home he'd give me something to drink and I'd forget everything. The only reason why I left is because I wanted a job and I came back to find him cheating.
Are you telling me that you were drunk the entirely time? Impossible, as I find that you're standing here without alcohol poisoning. If you were indeed drunk when you left me, the second you sobered up, you could have came home. I was so in love with you, I would have taken you back, no question.
But you didn't. Which means that subconsciously, you didn't want to come back. You could have resisted his drinks, Jen. He was a Muggle, he didn't pull a love potion on you.
I was drunk or buzzed. It is not impossible. I've seen men drunk for days at a time. Just drinking enough to stay drunk but not get poisoning. Maybe I was scared to come back because I didn't know what to say to you. I didn't know how to say I was sorry. I...don't now Smeth.
Does the fact that I did finally come back count for nothing? That I'm trying to make things right? That after all this time and all this bullshit that I do still love you with all of my heart and soul?
Jen, the fact that you came back means worlds to me. But the thing is, you can't pressure someone into a relationship, if the other party isn't feeling the same way. It's... I know I sound really harsh right now and I'm scared of what will happen to you if but Jen, I keep telling you I can't do, and what I feel comfortable doing, at least for now, and you keep telling me... otherwise.
I...really didn't realize I was doing it. I'm sorry. I'm seem to be saying that a lot. It's just...the kisses, the cuddling, it all confused me. You tell me one thing and do the other. Baby. Please just tell me what to do. to win you back.
I... I know, and I'm deeply sorry for sending out mixed signals. It's just... I knew you wanted us to work again, and I tried, I really tried but. Like I said, it's all on me.
I tried, Jen, I really did.
I just don't know what to say anymore. I think I'm going to go lay down.
It's... it's late. Maybe we should just go to bed and cool down. I mean, we've both got busy work days ahead of us.
What is Smeth? I have the day off tomorrow. It's my scheduled day off.
Wait, I... I just said It's too late in the night
I'm not going to tell you to stop lying in bed and not eat anything, because that's not my place. I will tell you that I would like it if you wouldn't.
Not only for my concern, but for Estella. I know she's deeply concerned as well.
I've eaten a half a burger today and fries and a small soda. So don't jump on my case about that. I'm to go lay down because I'm upset and I'm ruining my journal. I doubt I'll sleep but, still.
And as someone who means everything quite a lot to me. You will always have a place in my life and in my heart. This just won't be easy. Just please...maybe do some soul searching of your own tonight?
Jen, you've been one of my best friends since we were little. So of course you'd likewise have a place in my heart as well.
I'll try to get some sleep, but I doubt it.
Good night, Jen. |