gypsy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] gypsy Dancing with Dragonflies Chasing the dragonfly, dancing with light, my eyes fixed on shimmering wings, my heart in flight. On the edge of a lily pad lands the dragonfly, tail like a blue thread loosened from the sky. And what is a butterfly, you ask? At best, he is but a caterpillar, finely dressed. A dragonfly captures the soul and mind, all this in only a moment of time. [ userinfo | scribbld userinfo ] [ calendar | scribbld calendar ]

drugs [Monday, July 11th 2005] Mmmm, thank the goddess for drugs. In this particular case, I am referring to migraine medicine. I normally prefer not to be 'altered', however, when my head feels like the tracks under a speeding train, it's not such a bad idea to be a little removed, so to speak. I feel very relieved today. I realized I can't get a fresh start while I am still afraid of the past. I've grown tired of looking behind me, and the universe has given me the tools to move forward, so I am going with that. The truth is, I am lucky to have been given the opportunities I have, even amidst the chaos, so perhaps I should be thankful for my experiences, no matter how draining they were at the time. I miss the fair. It was so amazing to be there, and I am totally going for the full three days next year. Yeah, maybe I am not the traditional hippie, but there is a part of me that seriously identifies with that culture. Like anything, it's enjoyable in moderation. Some of the stuff (like the large paintings of opened vaginas,) is a bit much to take, but I like the peaceful setting and the serenity I feel when I am there. I've also finally been accepted by my fiance's family, which is a big part of the good vibes I got this year. I really came to realize, as we all sat around the campfire, we all have our shortcomings, and our bad days, our mistakes. If I want them to accept me, the gypsy in designer jeans, I have to accept them, too. And I do. I am very much considering taking a bath with the lavender oil I got from the fair, but I'm afraid I might pass out in the tub. That would be bad. Maybe I'll just burn some sage instead, and drift off to sleep.

anniversary [Tuesday, July 5th 2005] I'm happy to say that I've discovered a wonderful thing called bowling. We went the other night with my sister and her husband, and had a blast. I must confess, I never pictured myself as a bowler. I played basketball in high school and have always loved watching hockey, but bowling never really entered my mind until recently. Now I am thinking of taking a class and I've already got my own bowling ball!! I was getting frustrated at the alley because I couldn't find one to fit my fingers that also wasn't really heavy. Andy found me a vintage Brunswick Black Beauty at Goodwill (and it came with a grey & black MINT condition bag,) for $6!! I couldn't believe it. He gave it to me yesterday as an early anniversary present. =) The hippie faire is this weekend. I'm kind of excited and kind of not. I just don't feel like dealing with it, to be honest, but I know I'll get there and we'll have fun. Andy's parents bought us a brand new tent for camping, so I'm excited about that. We have to leave the puptart at home and that sucks, but there's no place to keep him while we go into the faire, and they don't allow dogs, so he is staying with my parents for the weekend. Not that he'll complain, they let him get away with murder *LoL* I will miss the little runt, though. He's my baby. Today is 18 months with Andy. He makes me so happy. I've really come to realize in the past year that our relationship is unbreakable, solid. He's with me through everything without blinking an eye. His love is unconditional, and that is very rare. He's taught me how to truly love, and made me so happy, and at the same time so sad, because I realize how many people don't know how to love unconditionally in this world. I'm very fortunate to have someone so wonderful.♥

too pretty to be a boy [Saturday, July 2nd 2005] I spent the day with a friend of mine, who has a young daughter. Out of the blue, this little being asked me "when are you going to have a baby?" I cocked my head to one side and sort of smiled at her, as my friend looked on in horror, afraid I might well burst into tears. I looked at my friend with a smile as if to say, 'it's ok, let me answer her question'. I told her that I can't have babies, and she asked me why. I replied that I didn't have the stuff inside anymore that I needed to make a baby. Again, she inquired as to why. I explained that I was very, very sick for a long, long time, and the only way to make me better was to take that stuff out, and so now, at least in that respect, I am kind of like a boy. She said, "you're too pretty to be a boy!" and I laughed. She seemed satisfied with that answer, and the conversation returned to less weighted topics, such as Barbie and dress up. My friend seemed to have calmed down as well, sensing that my reaction wasn't as she'd expected it would be. Truthfully, it wasn't as I would have expected, either. A year ago, I would have teared up and probably had to leave the room, unable to answer her. Today, I answered it as matter-of-factly as if she'd asked me how to bead a necklace. It was in that moment that I realized, I no longer grieve for my childbearing days. I think this is in part due to the recent realization that I don't actually want to have children. I'd always said so as a child. My friends were busy playing with dolls, being mini 'mommies', while I was plugged into my walkman, listening to Billy Joel. After the hysterectomy, I felt robbed. Robbed by my disease, robbed of my ability to have a child, robbed of the chance to even decide for myself if that was what I wanted. I think it became more a case of wanting what I couldn't have than actually wanting to be a mom. For six years I cried when I walked by babies in their strollers at the mall, or when I saw pregnant women. I questioned the universe as to why drug-addicted street walkers or welfare moms with twenty kids were allowed to keep reproducing, when the universe had taken it away from me. What had I done? Why wasn't I good enough? Today made me realize, I was right all along. I knew when I was five years old that I didn't particularly care to be a mother, and I still don't. When I was married and had a stepdaughter, I adored her and loved her like my own. But she was already there. How could I not love her? Now childfree and faced with the question of would I want to change that, my answer is no. Andy and I discussed it after they'd left, and we decided that we like it the way it is, just us and the MoMo (our puppy). I guess my five year old self knew all along what my twenty-seven year old self needed to figure out. Funny, isn't it, how you can surprise even yourself sometimes?

just for me, not for anyone in particular.. [Tuesday, June 28th 2005] I hope you take some comfort in your hollow friendships, sealed in hatred and convenience. Bound together by a common bitterness. I hope they can forgive you when they find out you've lied to them. I hope they can overlook the things I couldn't. I wish I had saved your love letters, so I could shove them in your face whenever you say "we were just friends". I wish I could have been there when they slid the handcuffs over your wrists, all because of a simple phone call, because you always have to have the last word. I wonder when they'll start to question you about the pieces of this twisted puzzle that don't quite fit. Or maybe it's just that they hate me too much to care. Maybe they're your friends to get back at me ... now wouldn't that be ironic, being used by the very people you thought you were manipulating. I'm sure your so-called 'friendships' will be long-lasting, since none of you seem to care about the truth, nor do any of you possess any ounce of integrity. Funny, isn't it, that you're tied together by the very characteristics that repelled me. Funnier still, that you believe you are hurting me by digging your grave deeper, or by recycling those 'friendships' that I discarded, figuratively going through my trash. You're welcome to it. In case you've forgotten, I had long decided I didn't want those people in my life before you invited them to dinner. If I regret, it is only that I ever met you in the first place. I remember the day I opened the door and revealed you standing on my doorstep. I wish I had never opened that door. For the few good times, there has been far more turmoil. Maybe you're a changed person now, but I can't forgive you for what you've already done. Everyone feels bad for you, poor girl .. 'poor, misunderstood Marsha, who never does anything wrong, and yet has a rap sheet a mile long'. Do me a favor .. don't bother trying to get me back this time. I already fell for that, one too many times. I was at your side, holding your hand when you needed someone to get you through the breaking point. I put my past aside to help you get through your present. I defended your right to make a choice I knew I would never have to make. I stood up to my own friends, friends that were there for me when you tried to turn my life upside down, when they judged and criticized you. And you threw all of that right back in my face. I thought that some part of me would always love you. That part died today. Are you happy? You finally killed the tiny part left that still cared for you, in any way at all. There's really nothing left to say. I hope you'll go now. I really don't ever want to have to see you again. Te bisterdon tumare anava

shades of green [Friday, June 24th 2005] Why do we choose certain moments to spin into memories? The waitress in LA, her southern voice like syrup dripping from her lips, forming lazily into words that she leaves others to separate for her. An infant's cry. The scent of freshly mown grass. The exact color of your eyes. Song lyrics, childhood poetry, pushed aside to make room for the color of your eyes. Why is it always more memorable, the words we don't say? The click of her heels on the sidewalk, even above the chaos of the city, completing the symphony of urban decay. She moves swiftly, eyes ahead. She's not looking at you. You are only part of the landscape to her, blending into the metropolis. She is not interested in your humanity. She finds pleasure in the endless square boxes of wearable eye-candy. She turns her words into wampum, trading currency for couture, a benign enough inclination in terms of addiction. Money is dirty, used, promiscuous. Frocks and feathers take its place, making her feel virtuous again. What if humans were born with labels like accoutrement? What would her label read? Through her memory, the discount racks of the unwanted, unsatisfactory, unseemly, and unsuited. Her discriminating taste becomes the fall for many tarnished treasures, bangles that began to turn her delicate fingers jealous shades of green. And yet, oh how they sparkled when under just the right illumination. Street vendors invest far more in lighting than Saks on 5th. To fool the pretentious, the proletariat must be misleading. The sidewalk fades into a memory. Bathed in fluorescent light, a shimmering sea of validity awaits her, but all she really wants is to feel is unbroken, unconcerned, unscathed, and unstirred by the vagrants and ghetto slum.

integrity [Wednesday, June 22nd 2005] I was talking with a friend lastnight about integrity. Some people have it, and some people don't. When you have it, it shows through in every situation, in every decision you make. You can't buy it and you can't fake it, (for long) because who you really are has a way of revealing itself no matter the charade a person surrounds themselves with. People make decisions, and there are consequences for those decisions. You can't very well go about life doing whatever you please and expect that the people you've stepped on won't take offense. Maybe you'll get away with it for awhile, but eventually someone will stop you dead in your tracks. Call it karma, call it fate. Either way, the universe has a way of holding a mirror in front of you from time to time, and when it does you can choose to look at your reflection, or look away. If you look away, however, as some have done, you will encounter that mirror again and again throughout your life until you are strong enough to see. Some are thankful for this opportunity, while others see it as a travesty against them. They feel betrayed that their self-serving attitude has not served them well at all. They fight back, and when they do, only get knocked down another notch each time as fate takes a hand across their face. Some lessons are hard to learn. Don't get me wrong .. no one is perfect. I think we've all told a lie, stolen a piece of candy, cheated on our lovers. Everyone temps fate. Having said that, some will feel too guilty to ever repeat the behavior, seeing the damage it causes, and others will get caught and realize that lying, cheating and stealing never works out well in the end. Then, there are those who'll cover one lie with another, steal to replace the stolen, ever trying to cheat destiny. When it catches up, and it always does, their betrayals topple like a house of cards, and they find themselves surrounded by the torn pieces of their selfish lives.

friends [Monday, June 13th 2005] So, some friends came over this weekend and stayed for a few days. Friends I know would never stab me in the back. How do I know? They've had opportunities, and never once took them. It's nice to have real, adult female friendships, women who don't play games and mindfuck their supposed 'friends'. What an idea, eh? It cracks me up still how offended a former friend was that we didn't attend her 'prestigious and very expensive, designed to make her friends jealous and she only wanted them to be there to accomplish that wedding when she hadn't bothered to say more than a handful of words to me in the months prior. I mean, had I shown up and let off a molotov cocktail in the ladies toilet (like I wanted to!), I'd have understood .. however, I politely declined and nothing else was said, but for some reason, she was highly displeased by my absence. Very strange, indeed. Relationships, all forms, take work and if you're not willing to put in the work then don't expect the other person to always be there to pick up the slack. People get tired of that really quickly. Don't blame the orchard when you never learned how to be a farmer.

do you believe? [Saturday, June 11th 2005] Invisible Pink Unicorn From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU) is a satiric parody religion aimed at theistic beliefs, based on the idea of a goddess in the form of a unicorn that is paradoxically both invisible and pink. It is accepted that there are no actual believers in this mock goddess, but it has become popular, especially on atheist web sites and on-line discussion forums, to feign belief in her for the sake of humor and as a form of critique or satire of theistic belief. These professions of faith also make the point that it is difficult to refute avowals of belief in phenomena outside human perception. The IPU can be used as a reductio ad absurdum of supernatural beliefs, for example by replacing the word "God" in an argument with "Invisible Pink Unicorn". A quote from the alt.atheism FAQ sums up their use of the Invisible Pink Unicorn: The point of this silliness, of course, is to prod the theist into remembering that their preaching is likely to be viewed by atheists as having all the credibility and seriousness of [the atheists] preaching about the IPU ... I ♥ this!! Where do I buy the tshirt?

captured [Wednesday, June 8th 2005] Officer McDonald just called me. The stalker has been arrested on the restraining order violation. The officer told me she seemed very upset, but not angry. He asked her if she knew why he was there, and she said yes, she knew why. I asked if he could tell from her demeanor if she is taking it seriously now, as she and her friends seemed to think it was a joke before. He said, no, he believes she will take it seriously from here on out. That's really all I wanted in the first place. It's too bad it took someone going to jail for it to sink in. People will write what they want, all manner of opinions on what they believe I think and why I make the choices I do, but no one knows the truth save for me .. but lucky you. I am about to tell you .. The boyfriend put it into terms that I could not possibly top when he said "for people to take you seriously, there must be serious consequences". It's unfortunate, of course, that it has had to come to this, but I can only be pushed so far. I grow tired of being harassed and insulted, of being called a liar when the truth has now shown itself to be the very words I had already spoken. Here is the court's position on restraining orders: The court does not consider any violation of a Restraining Order to be "small." The law is black and white, and there is no "gray" area for "small" violations. A violation is a violation, and establishes a pattern of behavior. Each time you call in a violation, your call is logged. This establishes documentation about your abuser's pattern of behavior and disregard for the law. If you need to go back to court for any reason, (child custody, assault charges, or if your abuser contests the Restraining Order) this documentation will be very valuable as evidence. Most abusers try to "test" the effectiveness of the Restraining Order and your determination. They might violate the restraining order in "small" ways - if there is a "no contact" order, they may try to call you, or have a friend/relative call you on the phone, or to send you an email. They might follow you in their car. They might suddenly "show up" at the grocery store when you were there first, and not leave. Do not hesitate to call the police to have your restraining order enforced. If you want the Restraining Order to work, you have to be determined to use it. Even a "small" violation means your abuser is still disrespecting you and your wishes! Your abuser will try to manipulate your feelings of love and compassion to get around the authority of the courts. If you report even "small" violations, your abuser will realize you mean business, and will figure out that it's not worth his/her time to try to "test" the Restraining Order. Remember that the Restraining Order is in place for your safety and protection. * Contact your attorney, if you have one, if your restraining order has been violated. * Contact your domestic violence advocate if your restraining order has been violated. * Your Restraining Order is effective IN EVERY COUNTY AND EVERY STATE of the United States. However, if you do not have a copy of it on your person, and there is not a copy of the Restraining Order on file with the courts and law enforcement agencies of the community you are visiting, you will lose valuable time because the law enforcement officer will have to call the county your order was issued in to verify it. I wonder what it feels like to spend the night in jail. Maybe she'll get the fucking point this time. This isn't a game, and maybe now she'll stop treating it like one. In any case, I am very tired, had a busy day and need some snuggle time with the boyfriend. Until next time ..

stuck [Tuesday, June 7th 2005] I'm sad tonight. Two of my friends are going through some hard times and there is nothing I can do but give hugs and tell them they are loved. It's hard for me, a person of action, when there is no action to take. Sometimes all you can do is be there to listen. I guess I just never feel like listening is enough. May be going out tonight to a friend's. He's really struggling right now and I am going to attempt to distract him with creepy movies & Krispy Kreme. I actually got him to crack a smile earlier, so that made me feel good. It's kind of funny .. "not much I can do about your situation, but here, let me make you fat & scare the shit out of you!" *LoL* Hey, what are friends for, right?

ouch [Monday, June 6th 2005] Having cramps today .. bummer. I can't tell if it's from Endo or maybe a bladder infection? Guess I'll wait and see if it gets worse or stays the same. Joe came over lastnight and we all went out. I am going to miss him so much. I laughed so hard lastnight it made my tummy ache. He's been studying for his Interpersonal Communications final, and the class is really interesting. We could talk for hours about that stuff, 'cause it applies to everything. I learned that I am a 'negative communicator'. Hmm.. that doesn't sound like a good thing! *lol* Well, while I work on that, at least I have friends who love me no matter what. John's on his way out here and we're making fajitas... well, ok, Andy is making fajitas. I am sitting by the fireplace with my laptop and my heating pad, watching 'Finding Neverland'. I love this movie.

PARENTAL ADVISORY - EXPLICIT RANT [Sunday, June 5th 2005] I was going to write a big, long rant here, and then I realized that it requires more energy and thinking than I want to expend on anyone, particularly these cunt-raggedy fuckers. Especially since it can be summed up in very few words. And they are: I'll do whatever the fuck I want. You get that? I don't need your goddamned permission, nor do I give one flying fuck what your opinion is on the matter. You fucked me over, and you're out of my life now. I don't care if you like it or not, matter of fact, I hope it pisses you right off. You can take your bitter, shitty, negative attitude and shove it right back up your self-righteous asses. Of all the things I am thankful for in this life, I am most thankful for the fact that when I look in the mirror everyday I don't see your face.

if you want something done right, you have to bitch.. a lot [Tuesday, May 31st 2005] I've made a decision. I've been very patient up to this point with the authorities & their lackadaisical approach to the whole restraining order deal. I'm fed up. And it doesn't help that I'm being slandered on the internet by said stalker and her friends, posting that there is no police report and it's 'all in my head', so I've decided to do something about it. I'm taking a trip down to the sheriff's office this morning and demand that they arrest her this week for the violation, like they promised to back in March. The police stations themselves rarely get anything done, but the county sheriff's office is very prompt. They served her the renewal paperwork for the order within 24 hours -- when it was originally served, it took almost a month. On the homefront, we are moving tomorrow, and I am *so happy*!!! We took the Cherokee up there lastnight, so that's one less thing to worry about. I love the new place, and I can't wait to be out of here. I forsee trouble & more drama after the arrest, since her new friends live near us. Not for long! I am making this entry private, since she's already found this journal. I will make it public again, after the arrest has been made.

virtual deja vu [Monday, May 30th 2005] Hmm .. how funny when someone is so right on with a statement that they don't even know it. Someone I used to associate with, (who is very selfish and tactless, hence the 'used to' part,) has made some new friends recently. Well, really not new, they used to be my friends, so technically, just new to her. She always has been one for sloppy seconds. But, I am getting off track .. These new friends graciously invited her to a BBQ at their home, which she said she may attend. In my opinion, when new friends extend an invitation to get to know them better, it's polite to accept said invitation, if your schedule permits. (By the way, I should mention here that being a fat, lazy bitch and scheduling time sitting on your ass on your couch does *not* count as a previous engagement). With that said, I'm sure I need not tell you that this person elected to do just that, rather than attend the BBQ with said new friends. On her own site, she has written the words, 'some things change, some things don't, yet I am still me, deal with it.' How appropriate that she define herself in this manner. I would have chosen 'self-serving, slothful cuntbag', but that's just me. I'm rather direct, you see ... Many times during the course of our friendship, I would extend the same sort of invitations, even planning a party for her prior to the end of her 'single-life' when she moved in with her now husband. I tried to be thoughtful and include her in my life as much as she wanted to take part, which I soon found out was very little indeed. You see, outside of her office, her Volkswagen, and her living room, she really has little interest in cultivating any real relationships. She even met her husband online. She would much prefer to sit in her lounge chair, snooping around on the internet, trying to find out what is happening in people's lives that she is no longer a part of, having been banished for her narcissistic behavior. I don't miss this person, and I find that her absence as an enemy stings much less than her absence as a friend. I see that she has learned nothing from our parting of ways, and in fact, seems to have become more bitter and closed off than before. I see how right I was in my decision to remove her from my life, and I feel fortunate that it was not a long-term friendship that I had put a lot of time and effort into before realizing what kind of person I was dealing with. You know what they say about hindsight .. until next time.

the 2nd date girl [Sunday, May 29th 2005] A friend of mine is dating 'the second date girl'. If you're unfamiliar with this concept, allow me to explain. The second date girl is the girl that went home with you (or to any parked car, etc) on the first date, teased the shit out of you, and then didn't put out, because she didn't want to sleep with you on the first date, (even though she did everything but ..) Then, on the second date (which is often the very next day,) she'll gladly give it up, because she's evaded the 'girl that sleeps with a guy on the first date' reputation, even if only by a small margin of hours. It's semantics, really. It's amazing the amount of people who operate this way, in such a literal sense of everything that clarification is key in every conversation, nothing can be assumed. I don't trust people like that. There is a point where people stretch the truth right beyond the fine line between honesty and deceit. In the four hours we spent hanging out with friends the other night, she called him seven times (!) and when he didn't answer, she came right on over to his house. Can we say obsess much? She spends one night with him, and she's already started to plan out their week together. It was strange & disturbing. I told him, she's going to be hard to get rid of when the time comes. She actually asked him to remove his condom when they had sex ... unless she's trying to trap him into getting her knocked up, I don't know why she'd want him to do that. I also mentioned that if she asked him to do that after only knowing him for 24 hours, how many other guys has she had unprotected sex with?? He didn't, of course, but who asks a guy to do that in this day and age?? I'm worried for my friend, but he's a big boy who can take care of himself. The problem is, he's also seeing another girl, not exclusively, but she's pretty sensitive and would probably have an issue if the second date girl stopped by uninvited. I told him I'd come and referee if a catfight broke out *LoL*. *Sigh* boys are always getting themselves into trouble.

marvelously crude [Thursday, May 26th 2005] Jesus ... could we be any more trashy?? Some people are just marvelously crude. Posting that their wedding ring cost $16-20K?? Why would someone who can pay $20K for an engagement ring still live in an apartment?? Why not put that money towards the downpayment on a house? Or pay off her sister for the car she bought on her credit, since theirs is trashed? And I wonder, how did he buy that ring, when she told me he can't even get a credit card because his ex-wife never made the court-ordered payments, and he is in collections? Somehow I doubt he had twenty-thousand dollars just burning a hole in his pocket. She always said 'he won't tell me how much it cost'. Hmm, maybe because it was cheap? I mean, we are talking about people who couldn't even pay their $300 pet deposit without doing it in installments, and he spent $20K on a ring. Yeah, right. For people who say they 'detest' me, they sure can't get enough of me. Kind of funny. If they hate me so much, why do they even care? People need to move on. Don't they have anything else to do?? I had no idea I was so interesting .. (well, ok, I had some idea *lol*) I've ignored it up to this point, but it's a bit strange when people spend more time thinking about me now than they ever did when we were friends. Frankly, I just don't get it. I think they really like all the drama. I guess it must've hurt more than they're willing to admit to lose me. I think it's also hilarious a comment that was made about harassment. I am harassing them?? Me?!?! *laughter* I don't fucking ask them to come and read my journal, they choose to, knowing I'd rather they just forgot I existed. They come in here and read all about what's going on in my life because they obviously still want to be part of it, and then slander and make fun of me every chance they get in their own journals, talking about how much 'easier' their lives would be if I were dead. I am not emailing them, calling them, coming by their homes, invading their lives. *I* am the one who is being violated. Someone's getting harassed, but it sure isn't her. I've just decided, I hope they enjoy the truth about how I feel about them. I think they're all fucking crazy, and as it turns out, the law agrees with me. I am just tired of censoring myself while they curse me up & down, making up stories and lies that serve their twisted purpose. They can have eachother, the 'rejected by Lexi' club. Ha, ha .. and I'll just know never to post anything really personal here. Crazy fuckers.

white noise [Wednesday, May 25th 2005] 1. a signal comprising random noise, providing constant energy at all frequencies, similar to the sound heard when an FM radio is set between stations. 2. A noise whose power spectrum is flat. What is white noise? Basically, it's random, indistinguishable noise, which you hear in everyday life, but pay little attention to. An electric fan makes white noise. The hum of your refrigerator is white noise. Running water is white noise. Many people talking can be white noise. For instance, if two people are talking at the same time, your brain can normally "pick out" one of the two voices and actually listen to it and understand it. However, if many people are talking simultaneously, there is no way that your brain can pick out one voice. It turns out that many people talking together sounds a lot like white noise. Because white noise blends into the background of life, it is often used to soothe people to sleep. Fisher Price even makes an aquarium white noise machine for cribs. The noise is not offensive, even though it's comprised of many different frequencies, because the energy level is the same for each one. They blend together into one incoherent sound, making each separate frequency unnoticeable. You may hear your electric fan when you first turn it on, but your brain quickly loses interest when it can no longer distinguish one unique frequency. Your mind then focuses on individual noises, rather than the hum of so much as a radio no longer tuned in.

spider [Tuesday, May 24th 2005] You know, how people go out to eat, and maybe they have no money, or maybe they have a lot of money and they're just cheap or something, whatever .. anyway, they go out to eat and find a speck of something in their food. Embracing this opportunity for a free meal, they rise from the table to tell the waitstaff, and on their way to the hostess desk, the small speck of whatever (that was probably just a bit of fuzz from the waiter's apron,) well, now it becomes a hair, because that's much grosser and surely would guarantee a free meal. However, even as a few more steps are taken, that fuzz or whatever it was that became a hair now becomes something even bigger and nastier, like a spider. Of course you tell the hostess and she is mortified and tells the manager, who certainly yells at and possibly fires a linecook, all because of a piece of apron fuzz. I am not a spider. And that's all I have to say.

I can't.. [Monday, May 23rd 2005] I can't believe what some people are saying about me. I can't believe one person's lies can be more convincing than someone else's truths. I can't believe that even with all the proof, bitterness still blinds them. I want to sever my life. Go back to when it all began, when she appeared on my doorstep, and cut out that moment, and maybe my life would be normal again. I will never be the same. I wouldn't have one of the friends I now have .. but I wonder .. would it have been worth it, to save myself the heartache? Virginia, you can't remember your name .. I have tried to be positive, I have tried to let go of the bad memories, but when I remembered only the good, it just made me want to give her another shot. I did, and I bled, again. Sights and sounds pull me back down another year ... I was here. I have been packing, finding old bottlecaps and broken necklaces hidden in clay pots. Why did I keep these things? I guess it made sense at the time. I guess everything does. I haven't been able to make websites, or even write like I used to, uninhibited. I need to get back to me, back to the girl who doesn't care what anyone thinks or says, or who hears her scream. I've been hiding, even inside, after last year, after the threats, after the taking down and moving of all things that were me .. after I let go of who I used to be, and before I became who I am today .. who have I been for this past year? There have been a few times when I was so busy looking over my shoulder, I almost fell off the cliff ahead. I need to look forward now. She will never comprehend why I am afraid of her, because she doesn't see herself as menacing. She sees herself as innocent, something none of us are. Those that act the most bizzare often see themselves as normal, and the rest of the world as crazy. In considering this, what must it be like to be surrounded by the seemingly insane? Maybe she is just as afraid as I am, of everyone around her. Psychology has always interested me. I wonder why people act as they do, what makes their gears turn inside on themselves, breaking down, creating their own reality. It interested me, until I came close enough to touch it, and I realized the respect it deserves. I'm no expert, just a girl who thinks too much. I second-guess myself just as much as everyone else. Why do you think I always appear so sure of myself? I've already interrogated me until I am sure she knows what she's doing is right. (Yes, I wrote that in the third person, for effect. Did it work?) In this timeframe, my friendships suffered. My job performance suffered. My relationship suffered. My ability to make, trust and keep new friends suffered. Only the most patient have stuck around and seen me through the darkness. Friends that have stuck by me have put aside so much, sacrificed their comforts to allow me some peace of mind. I only hope someday I can repay them for their kindness. As for those who weren't kind .. their prophecy is self-fulfilling. I could write their stories, knowing them so well. Only, being compassionate as I am, I would design a better ending, a happier ever after, than I believe they are ever going to see. Those who think of only themselves, usually end up with only themselves to worry about.

the dirt [Monday, August 30th 2004] As I was coming home from giving my boyfriend a ride to work I noticed a sign. It read 'FREE DIRT [clean and high-quality]'. This made me wonder, both about the dirt and life in general. Can something really be two opposing things at once? And, if it can, what category do you put it in? Can you love someone you hate? Can a person be both good and bad for you? These are questions I was already pondering when I saw the sign for the 'clean dirt'. In relationships, we've been trained to put people into two categories... positive influences or negative influences in our lives. Sometimes, though, it's difficult to ascertain which spot someone really belongs in. And, sometimes, people change, so we move them into the appropriate place at the time. For instance, recently someone who I thought was a good friend turned out to not really care at all about me, one way or the other. Just days before the circumstances surrounding my realizing this came into play, I would have called her a friend. Now, we do not speak. It is my belief that a person's true colors come out in conflict, and that was certainly true with this individual. So, this example would seem to prove that things can be only one type... clean or dirty, good or bad, but that things are not always what they seem. Maybe the dirt is more appealing if someone tells us it's 'clean'... but deep down, we all know it's still dirt, right?

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