| bad blood |
[Tuesday, May 2nd 2006] |
Trying to get information out of my mother is like trying to get blood from a stone. She seems unable to put her own past aside to help me better understand mine.
( A bit of history.. )
Needless to say, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may be all alone in trying to reclaim this part of my history. I am studying, trying to sort through the limited information out there and trying to determine what is accurate and what is rubbish (something it seems the Romani people as a whole are conflicted on). I am attempting to learn the Romani language and trying to find and connect with other Romani people, both online and in my own part of the world. Some people wonder why I care so much, and I've been questioned on whether I am simply 'romanticizing' the idea of what a 'gypsy' is, as some people think it is merely anyone who travels, or wears bangles, flowing skirts and reads tarot cards. People immitate us, people think they want to 'be' us, recreating their misguided perceptions of us at Ren faires and the like. I've even been told it isn't ok for me to have interests that could be construed as 'new-agey' (something I don't really believe describes me at all,) because then I am disrespecting my heritage and perpetuating a stereo-type.
For those of you (most of you,) lucky enough to grow up with their biological family intact, you wouldn't understand why I have such a need to know, because everything you ever wanted to know is right there. I grew up, albeit in a well-to-do family where I was taken care of, but without any connections, any puzzle with which to turn to and see where pieces in my own being fit. Personality and looks-wise, I am nothing like my adoptive family, yet my biological mother and I are so alike it's frightening. My personality is like a carbon-copy of hers. In the limited amount of time we've had together (compared to what biological children in their birth families get with their parents,) I've learned so much about myself and why I do the things I do and why my reactions to things are the way they are. It would logically make sense that you become the person you are as a result of 50% nature and 50% nurture, but in my somewhat unique experience, I can tell you that, at least in my case, it's probably closer to 90% nature and 10% nurture.
Most people are not adopted, and further to that, most people who are never know their biological parents. I am in a unique position in that I am fortunate enough to at least have one of them, my mother, to gain some sort of understanding that most adopted people never get. I need to know these things for me, not to pass on to children I'll likely never have, or to feel 'special' because I'm a Gypsy, or 'gain sympathy' for ancestors who have died in the Holocaust (how many of you didn't know that Gypsies died alongside the Jews.. there's a history lesson I don't want to, nor am I prepared to go into at this time).. this is for me, as a way to bring some completeness to the incomplete puzzle I've always felt I was inside.
And, as for my interests and other such things, yes, I believe in peace on earth, but that doesn't make me a 'hippie'. I drive an SUV (two, now) but that doesn't make me a 'yuppie'. I believe in the female personification of power that I (and others as well as some religions) refer to as 'the Goddess', but that doesn't make me Wiccan. I fail to understand the need to label people with such narrowminded terms that describe only a small part of a person. I've taken pieces of many different paths and I have made my own. I refuse to accept that, because I am ethnically Romani, I can't enjoy a Ren faire, or because I share the view of many Pagans that the earth is her own being and that we belong to this planet and not the other way around that those beliefs make me 'new-agey' or that I am somehow disrespecting my heritage by those beliefs. I won't be put into a little dusty box and made 'convenient' by society, because I've never fit in anywhere as a whole person, but people feel more comfortable when they can feel that they've got you 'pegged', however inaccurate their classification is. I am not interested in their comfort level. I get that from my mother, and I'm damn proud that I'm not one to roll over and accept what other people think I should be doing with my life. It's the only thing in this world that really belongs to me.
My husband is part Scottish, on my father-in-law's side. 'Stockton' is a Scottish name. They have a crest, and a whole family history. I envy that it's all right there, at his fingertips, while I have to piece together shreds of information from various sources and then try to verify it's accuracy within a race of people that is so divided on their own history, coupled with the perception that a 'gypsy' is like a 'unicorn', a mystical creature in a Disney story. Case in point, I went to the book store yesterday to search for books on the Romani people, and do you know that only one book came up, which was (of course) out of stock. When I searched the word 'gypsy', however? Tons.. from fairytales to books on 'Gypsy magic'. Hmm... I had no idea that, in addition to being performers, thieves, and fortune-tellers that my ancestors were magicians as well! *sarcasm* But, you see now what I am up against. The section of 'cultural studies' in any given bookstore is generally devoid of anything Romani. I will likely be trying to complete this puzzle for the rest of my life, especially since my own mother is of little help, and this is only half of my family history! I almost glad it's near impossible for me to take on the other parts. I'd go mad..
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