bad blood
Trying to get information out of my mother is like trying to get blood from a stone. She seems unable to put her own past aside to help me better understand mine.
My biological mother is full-blood Romani (Gypsy). She is also a first-generation American, as my grandmother was not born in this country. Family is very important to the Romani people, as is tradition. My grandmother and my mother had a falling out many years ago (before I was born) and they do not speak, even to this day. My limited understanding of this feud is that my grandmother had certain ideas about how my mother should live her life, and my mother didn't share those ideas.. she's stubborn, independent, a free-spirit and a control-freak, and she won't be told what to do or how to do it.. (gee, I wonder where I got it from? *lol*) so, she moved out and 'disowned' my grandmother, at the age of 15. They haven't spoken since.
Fast-forward a few years.. my mother ended up having five children (me being the 5th & last child,) between the ages of 16 and 23. She gave them all up for adoption, except for one, my half-sister Jen. We all have different fathers, who have long disappeared from the situation. When I met my mother, at the age of 13, I learned a bit about my Romani heritage, though not much as it is a sore subject for my mother, understandably. The small amount of information that I was given was that I am half Romani (Roma or Sinti, we're not sure which nation, or
natsia) from my mother's side, and my father was part Nordic/Scandinavian and part Native American, though I never learned which tribe those ancestors came from, or any other specific information. My mother did tell me my father's name, and that she would try to help me find him if I wished, however she also said he was likely not alive anymore, since he was a 'raging heroine addict' (to quote my mother,) when she left him and she doubted he'd made it out. I decided, at that time, to make peace with the fact that I would likely never know that part of my heritage as I had no interest in searching for a dead 'sperm donor' (as I call him). My other issue with that is that I am extremely close to my adoptive father, who was very disturbed and upset when I got in contact with my biological mother. He realized that I needed to have answers, but his fear that I would then also find my biological
father and he may be replaced (
never going to happen, but a realistic fear,) so out of respect for him, I have chosen not to pursue a search for the man responsible for my creation. For simplicity's sake, for the duration of this entry, when I say 'father', I am referring to my adoptive father, because in my mind there is no other man who will ever fit that title for me.
I want to tell another story about my father now that explains a bit further... when he was 12, his older brother was killed. He was out riding a horse on the beach near their home on the Washington coast, the horse was spooked, and bucked him off, hitting his head, and he went into a coma that he never recovered from. He was pronounced 'legally dead' several days later. A few years after, when my father was 14, his mother went to the doctor for her asthma, which was a severe and ongoing issue for her. At that time, husbands were not allowed in the rooms where patients were being treated, they had to wait in the waiting room. She was given some medication, and the doctor left the room. She had an allergic reaction, triggering a fatal asthma attack. His father returned home from the doctor that day to have to explain to his son (my father) and his two daughters (my aunts) that their mother was dead.
When they adopted me, my father wasn't terribly attached to the idea of having kids. He wasn't opposed to it, but it wasn't a concept he was comfortable with. Add to the fact that, at that time (and maybe still today, I have no idea,) the biological mother could change her mind at any time up until 90 days after the adoption, and take me away from them. I was well taken care of, but my father didn't spend much time with me during that period. As my adoptive mother tells it, the
day that the waiting period was over, we became inseparable. If you look at family pictures of me growing up, 95% of them are me and my father. We remain close to this day.. I can tell when the phone rings, without looking at the caller ID, if it's my father, and he knows when I'm calling. We talk everyday, multiple times a day usually, and if a day goes by where we don't talk, he calls, saying 'you know I worry when I don't hear from ya, kiddo' :) That's my Dad.. so maybe now you can understand the fear he had then, and once again when I met my biological mother, and the reasons why I feel closing the chapter on the paternal side of my biology is necessary. The other issue, as I've mentioned, is that it isn't likely he's alive, anyway, but if he showed up on my doorstep, I'd tell him to get lost, because not hurting my father is more important than anything a man who abandoned me and my mother could ever share with me. I know who my
real father is, he's the man who raised me, and the man I talk to everyday.. so, for those of you who've asked why I have 'ignored' the other part of my heritage and focused mainly on the Romani half, now you know the reasons.
Needless to say, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may be all alone in trying to reclaim this part of my history. I am studying, trying to sort through the limited information out there and trying to determine what is accurate and what is rubbish (something it seems the Romani people as a whole are conflicted on). I am attempting to learn the Romani language and trying to find and connect with other Romani people, both online and in my own part of the world. Some people wonder why I care so much, and I've been questioned on whether I am simply 'romanticizing' the idea of what a 'gypsy' is, as some people think it is merely anyone who travels, or wears bangles, flowing skirts and reads tarot cards. People immitate us, people think they want to 'be' us, recreating their misguided perceptions of us at Ren faires and the like. I've even been told it isn't ok for me to have interests that could be construed as 'new-agey' (something I don't really believe describes me at all,) because then I am disrespecting my heritage and perpetuating a stereo-type.
For those of you (most of you,) lucky enough to grow up with their biological family intact, you wouldn't understand why I have such a need to know, because everything you ever wanted to know is right there. I grew up, albeit in a well-to-do family where I was taken care of, but without any connections, any puzzle with which to turn to and see where pieces in my own being fit. Personality and looks-wise, I am nothing like my adoptive family, yet my biological mother and I are so alike it's frightening. My personality is like a carbon-copy of hers. In the limited amount of time we've had together (compared to what biological children in their birth families get with their parents,) I've learned so much about myself and why I do the things I do and why my reactions to things are the way they are. It would logically make sense that you become the person you are as a result of 50% nature and 50% nurture, but in my somewhat unique experience, I can tell you that, at least in my case, it's probably closer to 90% nature and 10% nurture.
Most people are not adopted, and further to that, most people who
are never know their biological parents. I am in a unique position in that I am fortunate enough to at least have one of them, my mother, to gain some sort of understanding that most adopted people never get. I need to know these things for me, not to pass on to children I'll likely never have, or to feel 'special' because I'm a Gypsy, or 'gain sympathy' for ancestors who have died in the Holocaust (how many of you didn't know that Gypsies died alongside the Jews.. there's a history lesson I don't want to, nor am I prepared to go into at this time).. this is for me, as a way to bring some completeness to the incomplete puzzle I've always felt I was inside.
And, as for my interests and other such things, yes, I believe in peace on earth, but that doesn't make me a 'hippie'. I drive an SUV (two, now) but that doesn't make me a 'yuppie'. I believe in the female personification of power that I (and others as well as some religions) refer to as 'the Goddess', but that doesn't make me Wiccan. I fail to understand the need to label people with such narrowminded terms that describe only a small part of a person. I've taken pieces of many different paths and I have made my own. I refuse to accept that, because I am ethnically Romani, I can't enjoy a Ren faire, or because I share the view of many Pagans that the earth is her own being and that we belong to this planet and not the other way around that those beliefs make me 'new-agey' or that I am somehow disrespecting my heritage by those beliefs. I won't be put into a little dusty box and made 'convenient' by society, because I've never fit in anywhere as a whole person, but people feel more comfortable when they can feel that they've got you 'pegged', however inaccurate their classification is. I am not interested in their comfort level. I get that from my mother, and I'm damn proud that I'm not one to roll over and accept what other people think I should be doing with my life. It's the only thing in this world that really belongs to me.
My husband is part Scottish, on my father-in-law's side. 'Stockton' is a Scottish name. They have a crest, and a whole family history. I envy that it's all right there, at his fingertips, while I have to piece together shreds of information from various sources and then try to verify it's accuracy within a race of people that is so divided on their own history, coupled with the perception that a 'gypsy' is like a 'unicorn', a mystical creature in a Disney story. Case in point, I went to the book store yesterday to search for books on the Romani people, and do you know that only one book came up, which was (of course) out of stock. When I searched the word 'gypsy', however? Tons.. from fairytales to books on 'Gypsy magic'. Hmm... I had no idea that, in addition to being performers, thieves, and fortune-tellers that my ancestors were magicians as well! *sarcasm* But, you see now what I am up against. The section of 'cultural studies' in any given bookstore is generally devoid of anything Romani. I will likely be trying to complete this puzzle for the rest of my life, especially since my own mother is of little help, and this is only half of my family history! I almost glad it's near impossible for me to take on the other parts. I'd go mad..
