| Hi |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|10:51 pm] |
Wow, long time since I've updated. Diet is going good. Well, it's not as brilliant as it could be, but at least I'm losing.
How's things with Wayne? Hm. Difficult to say really. We had 2 major ding dongs in the last month, the last resulting in a near breakdown. I was just so tired, I hadn't slept in ages from the sheer 'busy'-ness of my life.
Anyway, I'll save you all the nasty details. Wayne and I ended up having a chat in the local pub. He came up with some ideas about helping me out more and that was nice. It seemed he had actually given it some thought. Too little, too late? I don't know.
Although Wayne has been more helpful, and less annoyed when I ask him to do things, there is still a hell of a lot lacking. I had said to him that helping out more was a great offer, but it didn't give resolution to the problems in our relationship. The relationship that's supposed to exist outside of the children and family. That relationship is pretty poor and should have ended long ago. We agreed that we would make more effort to spend time together, just the two of us. Even if it meant getting in a babysitter.
WE managed a night at the cinema last Saturday.
Now, even though this is all progress, it's still a far cry from what I'd like to have in my life. I'm extremely jealous of people who have real love & lust. Passion. Butterflies etc. As repetetive as it sounds, I'm just jealous of the feelings and emotions that I perceive to have existed between Michelle and Wayne.
And I don't think this will ever go away while I am with Wayne. This is all because I feel that Wayne just won't ever feel that way about me. He'll never be 'in love' with me. No amount of nights at the cinema is ever going to give us those feelings.
It's the only thing I want for myself. I want that whole romance/passion thing. I just want to know what it's like to be IN LOVE. I've recently had feelings for another person, which I did not act on. I just knew that it would make my situation worse. I'd be stuck in a postition that would have been bad for everyone involved, including our kids. I'm still friends, sort of, with this person.
I work in the same building as him. Since Wayne and I agreed to try again sort of thing, I told Rob (the other guy) that I could only be his friend, and thi was my choice and I explained why. He really wanted to stay friends, but I just think it's better if we don't have too much contact and just say hi when we see each other. I don't feel comfortable with all the deep meaningful conversations anymore. A big part of it is because I know that continuing this sot of thing will make the 'just being friends' thing harder for me.
It's late and I'm tired. Hopefully I will find the time tomorrow to give more information and get it all off my chest. |
|
|