Away with the fairies - Pt 2! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Lol [Dec. 21st, 2008|08:54 pm]
My boyfriend is a dick
My boyfriend is a dick
Hi ho the dairy O
My boyfriend is a dick
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Help! [Dec. 18th, 2008|10:19 pm]
Long time no write. I need to write more. Writing has always helped me.

I don't like my boyfriend. Wayne. He's not a kind, caring or loving person. I just really don't like him, and there's not other way I can say it.

He takes every opportunity to slag me off, or just say unkind things to me. I mean, I'm surprised some of the time, when he takes a harmless situation and uses it as an opprtunity to make me feel like a piece of shit.

Like last night. Let me go back a bit. Luke had a bed we bought off ebay which was a triple bunk. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, and it took up a lot of room. So, I offered to get him a sofa bed, again from ebay. I made every effort in picking a bed, however, what I picked was not as easy to fold and unfold as Luke and I had wanted it to be, but it is very comfortable. Anyway, so I asked Luke if he wanted to keep that bed, or get one that was easier to fold up, and he wanted one that was easier to fold up. So, I got a free one from Freecycle, but it turned out to be a bit basic and very uncomfortable. Luke hadn't had a chance to try it out yet, but I did and it was so uncomfortable. Now, Luke isn't the kind of kid who would tell you if he were uncomfortable. He slept on his old mattress in the old flat for ages when you could feel every spring in it. He never once complained. Wayne only realised how uncomfortable it was when had to sleep on it once.

Anyway, since the free sofabed was not comfortable, I saw one that was £18 in the Community Furniture Project. So I bought that. It looked more solid and much more comfy. Anyway, at the time, Wayne didn't say anything about it. However, last night when he cam ehome from work, I don't know what crawled up his arse and died but he laid into me about it. He complained that Luke hadn't even had a chance to try the black one. He was really annoyed that Luke didn't get to try it. The fact that I know it isn't comfortable isn't good enough. I was somehow stupid or inconsiderate for paying for his son to have a more comfortable bed. So I said fuck them, I'll sell the better bed and Luke can sleep on the uncomfortable one for all I care. I fucking paid for the sofa bed currently in his room (the first one from ebay) and the one from the CFP. I didn't see Wayne offering to pay for it or even give me half. I fucking bought the washing machine yesterday as well, and he hasn't offered me a penny towards that either.

I pay for 95% of all the shopping in this house as well, which goes ungratefully noticed.

So I pointed out to Wayne, that I could not understand why he was having a go at me for buying Luke a better bed. It appears as though he takes every opportunity to belittle me. He will even take situations that don't warrant such actions, and still manages to find a way to berate me from it.

I just don't like the man. I have every intention of moving out next year. I don't want to be with him any more. I don't want to be around Luke any more. I'm tired of trying to help Luke and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of things being my responsibility because 1) There's no one else to do it. 2) I'm better at it than anyone else. That's bull shit. Luke is NOT my responsibility at all whatsoever. I've given him plenty of effort and I don't want to do it anymore. He isn't as nasty as his dad, but he still has no respect for anyone. I believe his mum tells him to be the way he is when he's over here.

ANyway, I'm pretty fed up. I just want to get my own place next year. Things would be easier for me on my own. When Wayne is on lates, it's pretty much like I live on my own anyway. I get up with the kids and get them ready for nursery, I take them to nursery, I work, I pick them up from nursery, I make their tea and I get them ready for bed. Wayne gets home, gives me grief about what I haven't done around the house or not having made his tea, and you know what? Fuck it. I don't need it. How wonderful would it be to just NOT have the shit I get when he gets home from work?

And then, when he's on earlies, I still am the one getting up with the kids, taking them to nursery and everyday except my late shift, I pick them up from nursery, I usually still make the tea except on a late shift, and we both tend to put them to bed. But you know what? It's not worth it. I would live an easier life in my own place. I would have to make tea for anyone except myself and the kids. I wouldn't have to worry about Luke or Wayne. I could see that I'M taken care of, BEFORE Wayne and Luke. They don't allow me to do that while I'm living here.

I give up. I'm moving out next year.

I don't even play up to Wayne's nastiness most of the time. I just let it pass 9 out of 10 times, however sometimes it really gets to me and I fight back. I tell him that it's not acceptable to talk to me the way he does, but he doesn't agree. I always deserve to be spoken to like a piece of fucking shit.

Mean bastard.
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[Aug. 25th, 2008|12:23 am]
I've been thinking about my journal for the last few weeks, and thinking I should come and update, but I always forget by the time I am home and in front of the pc. Mostly because there are always other things to be doing online.

I know there is more to life than being in a relationship and being in love. I know I shouldn't let relationships define me. I used to allow that to happen to me. After my marriage ended, I was lost for a long time. I had never lived on my own. I had adjustments to make. I had things to learn. I think I've learned those things.

Although I talk a lot about my relationship with Wayne, this relationship does not define who I am. I can assure you 100% it most definitely does not. I am worth a lot more. However, I am choosing the stay here for my kids sake and for my own future. I have things I need to accomplish, and those will be realised quicker by staying here than going out on my own. However, let it be known I can't wait to be single again!!!

I bought a mountain bike about a month ago and I've been making great use of it! I cycled 10 miles alone on Saturday. That was my weekly target done in one day! I've set myself a 10 mile weekly target to hit, and for the lat 2 weeks I've smashed it. So this week I'm putting it up to 15 miles, and so on as I keep smashing my goal. Fingers crossed it will help the weight drop off swiftly.

Anyway, my babies are both doing great. James had a brilliant 2nd birthday party. We did fancy dress! He was a policeman. Christians birthday is just under 2 weeks away. The last year has been quite hectic, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

What would you change?
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Monthly [May. 30th, 2008|12:27 pm]
God, am I as crap at this as to only update once a month? Jesus. What happened to my life? I used to write in my journal almost every day a few years back. Before I had James, before I met Wayne. It was my sanctuary.

Nothing has changed since the last post. I didn't do very well on my diet after writing that post. I didn't put on weight, but I certainly didn't lose any either. I was cheating often. I wasn't pigging out, as Wayne would like to think, but my body was not in ketosis and I was taking in about as many calories as I was burning. I would have my food packs which give me just over 500 calories a day, plus I'd have a salad, or a sandwich, and nibble on this or that. I tried to stay away from trigger foods like chocolate bars, ice cream & fatty meats like salami & other pork products.

I changed from Lighterlife to Cambridge this month and have been doing well again. It's a fresh start, new flavours and it has a different approach to weight loss. I learned all the counselling stuff there was to learn with Lighterlife, and I felt that my time on that diet had come to an end because it was a lot of money (more expensive than the others) and the stuff I was getting from Lighterlife in return for the extra money, had become a redundant use to me.

Cambridge is different in the fact that you do not have a 2 hour long weekly counselling session/meeting, it's nearly £30 cheaper per week, has a wider variety of flavours & your meeting is only about 30 minutes and is one on one.

Anyway, it's just as tough as Lighterlife, because again, it's no food. Emotionally it's still just as hard as LL. I don't think anyone appreciates that. It's hard to keep yourself motivated to do something that no one else appreciates. I want to lose weight for myself. I want to do it because I want to be healthy for my children, I want to look great and I want to be in a happy relationship. The longer I'm on this diet and the more weight I lose, the more I start to become concerned that succeeding on this diet means the end of my relationship with Wayne.

He can't support me on this diet because he believes his support will be detrimental to me. But, if he could only realise how much I NEED his support. Yes, I've tried explaining it to him, but he still can't see it. So, I struggle through this on my own, basically. It upsets me. But, like I said in the last post, this diet is all I can do at the moment.

I appreciate that my chances of finding a happy long lasting relationship that is full of love, respect and romance, are greatly increased by losing weight.

Some days, I tell myself to ignore the fact that Wayne can't support you. Just get on with it, and when it's done, go find someone else that appreciates you. And for a day or so, this motivates me. Then I get sad and upset that I have to tell myself in order to get on with this diet. I basically have to ignore how unhappy I am with the way Wayne treats me in order to get on with my diet.

I know so much has happened in our relationship. I truly think there's no recovering and no going back. I remember how things were in the very beginning and I miss that. But, in saying that, it only lasted 2 months before the shit hit the fan (ie Ali came to visit). It's all just been downhill since then. 2 months was not long enough for me to have developed the feelings that I did for Wayne and want to hang on to someone and something that was so wrong for me. But, I did just have a baby so my emotions and hormones were not in a normal place. Also, sometimes, people do take a shine to others quite quickly. I just had no idea, until Ali happened, what Wayne was really like. He's pretty good at making people think he's something that he's not. I had no reason to mistrust Wayne, and I had ever reason to allow myself to have feeling for him. That's my argument for having hung onto this relationship.

I accept that Wayne will not be the last person I ever have a relationship. I want more than he can give any woman. If you look back at his history with women, he doesn't exactly give them what they want. It takes someone like Sarah to accept Wayne the way he is.

Wayne is not a loving person. He's not romantic. He's not considerate to a partner. I think that a partner is the last person on his list of people to treat well and make a priority. He might think differently, but I mean, can't he see it? Maybe he can, and perhaps he just thinks it's ok.

Who knows. The important thing for me, is that I do NOT think it's ok. It makes me sad, because I know I have been through enough in life to deserve to be love, respected & cherished.
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Yo ho ho [Apr. 17th, 2008|10:07 pm]
Hello, hello.

I'm quite stressed about a few things at the moment. I'm not exhausted, like I was a few weeks ago, just stressed that's all.

Same old same old really.

This diet is really really hard and I think about quitting every week. But I keep going because it's all I can do. Yeah losing weight is motivating, but, emotionally this diet just leaves you a bit bare and lacking. If you don't feel nice or good about yourself, you turn to food. Have a bit of ice cream, or chocolate, or whatever else takes your fancy. Then you feel alright. But on this diet, when you are stressed, run ragged or just down, you have to suffer through it. Well, I have to suffer through it.

In my counselling they say that food has to be replaced with 'strokes', to break the food-emotion-food cycle. Instead of tuning to the fridge for comfort, turn to friends, family and partners. Great. All my family is in America, all my friends live in different places and my partner, well, need I say more? I just blow up sometimes because everything gets on top of me.

Work is stressing me out as well. Home life is so busy.

Not much else to say. I'm just not feeling very enthused at the moment.

I heard from Richard the other day, after about 4 months of nothing. He just said hi and asked how I was. I wrote back and said I was fine etc. He asked what I had been up to and I didn't reply, until today. I asked if he would be interested in meeting up. Mostly because it would be nice to see what he has to say about the weight I've lost. Hm, you never know. Might give me the 'pick me up' I need.

Anyway, not much else to say, as I've already said.
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Hi [Apr. 10th, 2008|10:51 pm]
Wow, long time since I've updated. Diet is going good. Well, it's not as brilliant as it could be, but at least I'm losing.

How's things with Wayne? Hm. Difficult to say really. We had 2 major ding dongs in the last month, the last resulting in a near breakdown. I was just so tired, I hadn't slept in ages from the sheer 'busy'-ness of my life.

Anyway, I'll save you all the nasty details. Wayne and I ended up having a chat in the local pub. He came up with some ideas about helping me out more and that was nice. It seemed he had actually given it some thought. Too little, too late? I don't know.

Although Wayne has been more helpful, and less annoyed when I ask him to do things, there is still a hell of a lot lacking. I had said to him that helping out more was a great offer, but it didn't give resolution to the problems in our relationship. The relationship that's supposed to exist outside of the children and family. That relationship is pretty poor and should have ended long ago. We agreed that we would make more effort to spend time together, just the two of us. Even if it meant getting in a babysitter.

WE managed a night at the cinema last Saturday.

Now, even though this is all progress, it's still a far cry from what I'd like to have in my life. I'm extremely jealous of people who have real love & lust. Passion. Butterflies etc. As repetetive as it sounds, I'm just jealous of the feelings and emotions that I perceive to have existed between Michelle and Wayne.

And I don't think this will ever go away while I am with Wayne. This is all because I feel that Wayne just won't ever feel that way about me. He'll never be 'in love' with me. No amount of nights at the cinema is ever going to give us those feelings.

It's the only thing I want for myself. I want that whole romance/passion thing. I just want to know what it's like to be IN LOVE. I've recently had feelings for another person, which I did not act on. I just knew that it would make my situation worse. I'd be stuck in a postition that would have been bad for everyone involved, including our kids. I'm still friends, sort of, with this person.

I work in the same building as him. Since Wayne and I agreed to try again sort of thing, I told Rob (the other guy) that I could only be his friend, and thi was my choice and I explained why. He really wanted to stay friends, but I just think it's better if we don't have too much contact and just say hi when we see each other. I don't feel comfortable with all the deep meaningful conversations anymore. A big part of it is because I know that continuing this sot of thing will make the 'just being friends' thing harder for me.

It's late and I'm tired. Hopefully I will find the time tomorrow to give more information and get it all off my chest.
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[Feb. 16th, 2008|10:49 pm]
Well, here's an update on the V-day situation.

Wayne did buy me a card & gift. The card was fairly nice and it did say 'To my Valentine... with love'. And yes, I bought Wayne something. However, I would not have done if he hadn't of sent me a text the day before saying he would be home late as he had to buy someone a V-day gift.

I bought him a card which sid 'If you show me yours... I'll show you mine - Happy V-day'. I just signed it with 3 xxx's. He wrote inside his that although he doesn't tell me often enough, he is grateful for all I do. had a bit of a

I had a bit of a miserable start to my day today. My head hurt and I think I've got a urine infection. My thoughts over the last few days haven't helped either. I had a dream last night and it wasn't pleasant. Well it wasn't exactly unpleasant either. I dreamt that I had finished with Wayne, and it was a very final finish. I had gotten wind of Michelle being in town. Now, I can't remember the exact details of the situation, but I'm pretty sure she was already married and about to move away. I went round there, to tell her to ditch the new life, and go back to Wayne. I felt, in my heart (in the dream) that it was the right thing and it's what was meant to be. I remember I knocked on her door after peering into the window for sometime and watching everyone. Someone answered, and the first person I noticed was Rachel. I don't know how I knew it was her, but in the dream I just knew. Naomi wasn't there yet (don't ask me how I knew that either). Then, Michelle came into the room. I introduced myself and she knew who I was (I presumed Naomi had told her). There was such a rush around the room because she was literally leaving there and then, so I just spilled out the purpose of my visit. She wasn't having it. She had a new life and didn't want to go back to Wayne. I don't think she took me seriously. Next thing, she was in the car, driving down the road. And then I woke up.

It's a bit of a nothing drem really. It's not particularly sad or upsetting in its actions. However, what was upsetting was how much I believed Michelle and Wayne should be together. It wasn't because I thought it was good for Michelle. It was because I knew, that no one, ever, would be 'Michelle' to Wayne, except Michelle. So I did it for his benefit.

This dream hasn't really effected my mood or thoughts, as I have always believed the whole Michelle 4 Wayne thing (lol). I mean, Michelle ain't ever coming back, and that's just it. And I know that Wayne knows this. But I don't think it motivates him much to find something else.

What Wayne and I have is not ever-lasting love. This is not the last relationship either of us will ever have.

This makes me a little bit sad, because I do remember, that in the early days, I truly believed, in some small way, that Wayne was just so fantastic and that we could have a future together. But so much shit has happened that there's not really any way of going back to that feeling I had, or repairing the damage that's been done.

I just wont ever forgive Wayne for how he treated me while I was pregnant. I've had 2 pregnancies, and with the second one, I had a chance to know what it was like to have a supportive partner around to care. But it wasn't actually like that. I won't go into details now. I did that in the old journal I think.

My main problem with my relationship with Wayne, is that I am not as self sufficient as I need to be in order to stay happy. As long as Wayne is kept happy, and I don't need any sort of maintenance (emotional or physical) then everything is fine and we are ok. But as soon as I get stressed, need help r get sexually frustrated, then the balance is out for him and he can't cope. And I'm just not as self sufficient as I once thought.

I'd like to be cherished by someone, and loved. Truly loved. This does matter to me, a great deal. I think that I deserve it. I think I have enough to offer someone, to get in turn, what I feel I deserve. I want someone to truly believe that their life is better because I'm a part of it.

Wayne couldn't really give 2 tosses if I cooked his meals. Yep, he likes what I cook and it makes things easier on him, but if I stopped, so what? He'd just cook for himself. He likes to say that he managed before I came along, so he'd manage again if he had to. Someone who truly appreciated my cooking wouldn't be like that.

I don't feel like I get much back for what I put in. I can't tell you when Wayne last did something for ME. This does not include logistical stuff like getting up in the night with the kids or picing them p from nursery. If Wayne wants to count this, then it makes him look like a part time dad who just helps me out. I'm talking about an action purely for my benefit and to increase my happiness. Whether or not I'm happy matters not to Wayne.

Trying to be self sufficient is difficult. I have to sort of build this wall up around me, and it's turning me against my relationship with Wayne. In order not to care about not getting much in return for my efforts, I have to distance myself from the relationship and think of it as an arrangement. This is not good for the psyche. I just end of saying to myself 'There's plenty of time to find true love'. And then I just get on with things. I end up telling myself I'm doing this for the kids. It's for their benefit. And so, I am able to distance my own needs from what I actually get.

Of course this is not normal. I've discussed it with Sharon. She knows what goes on and she did tell me that she was surprised to hear it. She thought things were fine. Why else would I buy a house and have a baby with someone. I explained to her about it being in the best interest of the kids and she said to me, that it was never too
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Days Off [Feb. 13th, 2008|01:55 pm]
[Current Location |Home]
[Current Mood | annoyed]
[Current Music |None]

I've got another day off work today. It's my normal day off (I have Weds & Fri's off), but yesterday was booked as a holiday from my entitlement.

I've been pretty productive today I guess. Done all the ironing, although there is loads of washing to do. But I can't be bothered with that at the moment. James is having a nap, and so is Christian in fact. I've just finished a round of Peggle.

In case anyone didn't know, I'm doing the Lighterlife diet. I wish I had started an online journal just for the diet, and maybe made a video diary for YouTube. I did think about it at that time, but I just didn't find the time to sort it all out. Maybe it's not too late. I'll go look at YouTube and see how hard it is to upload videos. If it's easy and doesn't require too much file converting etc, then I'll do it.

I've lost around 30 lbs so far. Which is pretty good since it's the most I've lost in my life, but I'm behind schedule. I should have lost nearer to 40lbs by now. I only realised this last night when I calculated it all. I have had some slow weeks when I was on pain killers for my back, so that's put me behind I think.

I've lapsed a couple of times. Small things here and there. A bite of a tomato, or a bit of yoghurt, Christmas dinner, ham, and just various small things. But I decided today that it wasn't going to happen any more. Even though the little things like that aren't enough to put me off my routine, it's still not compliant with the rules, and shows that I'm not understanding my behaviour. I must be completely abstinent, even from sugar free gum and lemon and EVERYTHING, in order to fully appreciate why I got this big in the first place. If I have a bite of something just because I love the taste, that's not acceptable. When I am allowed to eat food again, I will do that all the time. I can't put something in my mouth just because I want to taste it. Everything, regardless of how small it is, has calories. 1 chocolate covered biscuit has 85!!!! calories in it! Oh my god! Did anyone even know that? So YES, just one biscuit WILL hurt. That's like almost half an hour on the cross trainer to burn just ONE biscuit! I'd rather not spend half an hour on the cross trainer burning new fat. I'd rather shift the load I already have thanks. But hey you, feel free to tuck in. I'd love to watch you get fat.  :P

It's a hard diet, and I don't fully appreciate the way the counseling is laid out. I don't feel that the weekly videos are productive and I don't feel that they motivate me to attend every meeting. In fact, before I go into a meeting, I pray that the DVD player is broken!

The meetings are laid out like this.

We congregate in the office around 6pm and take it in turns to be weighed, measured, pay and place our food orders. While others are being weighed, we can sit and chat amongst ourselves. It's a small room. Maybe 20 x 15.

After the weigh ins are finished, Jo (the counselor) puts on the weekly DVD. This starts off with 2 presenters (the same ones each time) interviewing a person who has been successful on Lighterlife. It shows their before and after pictures. Next, it goes to someone who gives style tips and make overs to people who have been successful on, or are currently on, the Lighterlife program. Then, it goes to a short interview with one of the founders of Lighterlife. Next is a 5 minute stint with a guy named James who gives you exercise tips. Then it goes to an interview with one of the psychiatrists who helped develop the counseling program. Then it shows a discussion between another psychiatrist/counselor and a successful Lighterlife person. They do some role playing and discuss aspects of the counseling. And then that's it.

It's the same layout, and the same information being given to you EVERY week. They use the same quotes time and again from former and existing Lighterlife people. The exercise man, James, is a complete nonce and the info he gives you is not really helpful in any way. You won't lose weight from what he shows you. In fact, I doubt you would gain anything at all from what he tells you. Everytime they do an interview with one of the founders of Lighterlife, they tell you the same thing. The style tips that are given are complete shite, and in fact, they tell people to focus on their faces if they are fat! 'Add a bit of colour to your face and no one will notice your big gut'...basically. It just repeats itself each week.

I think the meetings should be laid out like this.
We gather in the office at the scheduled time and get weighed and measured one by one, and place our food orders.

Then, we sit together and have a brief chat about our successes over the week, and discuss any other issues people have had while on the diet. Then, we go through our work book which actually discusses and provides the counseling. And then that's it. There is no need for the videos at all. I don't need to be told each week that all other diets are useless and have the rules repeated to me. I don't need to see the same people each week being interviewed and talking of their success. I'm perfectly happy to read about the successes in my workbook, ONCE.

The mens group isn't subjected to the tacky videos! And that's not fair!!!!!!!!! Kate (a stand in for Jo), said to me last night, that this was because men have a shorter attention span, and react to counselling in different ways, so they are on a different plan. They don't even have a bloody workbook! Also, their meetings only last 1.5 hours, and the womens last 2 hours.

Now hold on one friggin minute! What makes the directors of the program think that women have any more time available than men do? We are the ones in general who look after the households, cook the meals and do any other number of untold chores that require quite a bit of our time. And what makes them think that our attention span is any greater than a mans when we are bored senseless?????? Yes, a woman can multi task, which is usually why we all chat rather than watch the videos.

I do hope that they reassess how the meetings are structured for women. The counseling is great, but the way it's laid out is pretty poor. I'd rather talk and do activities than watch a repetitive video. Repetitive videos are not fun to watch. They are boring. I don't like repetitive videos because they don't keep my attention. Repetitive videos bore me senseless.... am I starting to bore you senseless with my repetitive whinging about repetitiveness??????? Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, I'm very grateful for the diet. I've learned a lot about myself and my behaviours towards food. Without the program I'd still be struggling to admit that I've got a problem at all, and I'm big for every other reason than the fact that I eat too much of the wrong foods. Pete's sake, it would still be YOUR fault I'm fat, because it was never my fault in the first place... ok?   :P

Anyway, I've got to go get Luke from school soon and I could do with a quick nap. I better set the alarm on my mobile first so I don't oversleep! Easily happens!

*soring already
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Ohmigod! [Feb. 12th, 2008|10:02 am]
[Current Location |Home]
[Current Mood | blah]
[Current Music |None]

Well, this is a new place. Not quite sure if I like it yet. Not been here long enough!

The link to my previous journal is

My previous journal was at GJ, but it appears that A) They are having major system problems which may result in the site being shut down or B) They just don't give a shit about the site anymore and have lost all motivation so make up shit about system crashes to scare monger people into leaving, so they can shut it down.

The message boards hint at both really. And the guy who owns it apparently made it blatantly clear previously, that he doesn't care about the site anymore. Anyway, none of my business as long as I have a place to write.

I've moved into a new house with Wayne. It's a lovely place and it really feels like home. Although we have lots of extra space, keeping things tidy and clean is still a nightmare when we both work and have 2 kids to look after. We've got lots of other commitments as well, like working out, my diet group, the kids, etc etc. So the evenings are pretty busy.

Valentine's day is 2 days away, and I'm getting pretty stressed about it. I shouldn't, but I am. Last year Wayne and I didn't do anything for each other. Well, I bought him some stuff and hid it, and when I saw that he wasn't going to do anything, I just pretended I didn't buy anything either, because I didn't want to feel stupid. I took it back and got my money back.

I have no plans to do, or get anything for him this year. Valentine's Day isn't really something Wayne does. In fact, any relationship themed holidays aren't really Wayne's thing. Like anniversaries. And that's just the way he is. I tell myself that he probably didn't do anything for his other girlfriends either, and it's not just me, but I already know that's not true, so I'm having a tough job trying to convince myself.

I mean, it's no big deal really. I don't expect anything, so surely I can't be disappointed if I don't get anything. I'd like to think that's going to be true, but we'll see.

Wayne and I don't have a normal relationship. If I need help, it's too much trouble. I have to be completely self sufficient, yet make sure Wayne is completely happy, in order for things to run at an ok level. But as soon as I need help with anything, it upsets his balance and he can't cope. For instance, the time I asked for help getting my cross trainer. And last night, I was getting stressed about the internet not working, and asked him to have a go getting some information, but no, it was just too much trouble. He didn't give a shit if the internet worked or not, and because I care and needed it, it was a big deal for me to expect any help. And that's just how it always is. Unless Wayne actually cares, he isn't bothered. Regardless of how much I care, or how much something bothers me.

I can't say Wayne just lives for himself. He goes to work to pay the mortgage and bills, and he's pretty good with helping out with the kids a good part of the time. But when it comes to my emotions and happiness, that's where the buck stops.

I'm more used to it now than I was in the beginning, or for a long time. I don't argue about it as much anymore. I just accept it. This is how things are for now.

The future is changing though. I've lost 2 stone so far on my diet and I hope to lose a lot more. And my life will be drastically different then. I can't wait.

The future is bright, the future... is orange.
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