| Monthly |
[May. 30th, 2008|12:27 pm] |
God, am I as crap at this as to only update once a month? Jesus. What happened to my life? I used to write in my journal almost every day a few years back. Before I had James, before I met Wayne. It was my sanctuary.
Nothing has changed since the last post. I didn't do very well on my diet after writing that post. I didn't put on weight, but I certainly didn't lose any either. I was cheating often. I wasn't pigging out, as Wayne would like to think, but my body was not in ketosis and I was taking in about as many calories as I was burning. I would have my food packs which give me just over 500 calories a day, plus I'd have a salad, or a sandwich, and nibble on this or that. I tried to stay away from trigger foods like chocolate bars, ice cream & fatty meats like salami & other pork products.
I changed from Lighterlife to Cambridge this month and have been doing well again. It's a fresh start, new flavours and it has a different approach to weight loss. I learned all the counselling stuff there was to learn with Lighterlife, and I felt that my time on that diet had come to an end because it was a lot of money (more expensive than the others) and the stuff I was getting from Lighterlife in return for the extra money, had become a redundant use to me.
Cambridge is different in the fact that you do not have a 2 hour long weekly counselling session/meeting, it's nearly £30 cheaper per week, has a wider variety of flavours & your meeting is only about 30 minutes and is one on one.
Anyway, it's just as tough as Lighterlife, because again, it's no food. Emotionally it's still just as hard as LL. I don't think anyone appreciates that. It's hard to keep yourself motivated to do something that no one else appreciates. I want to lose weight for myself. I want to do it because I want to be healthy for my children, I want to look great and I want to be in a happy relationship. The longer I'm on this diet and the more weight I lose, the more I start to become concerned that succeeding on this diet means the end of my relationship with Wayne.
He can't support me on this diet because he believes his support will be detrimental to me. But, if he could only realise how much I NEED his support. Yes, I've tried explaining it to him, but he still can't see it. So, I struggle through this on my own, basically. It upsets me. But, like I said in the last post, this diet is all I can do at the moment.
I appreciate that my chances of finding a happy long lasting relationship that is full of love, respect and romance, are greatly increased by losing weight.
Some days, I tell myself to ignore the fact that Wayne can't support you. Just get on with it, and when it's done, go find someone else that appreciates you. And for a day or so, this motivates me. Then I get sad and upset that I have to tell myself in order to get on with this diet. I basically have to ignore how unhappy I am with the way Wayne treats me in order to get on with my diet.
I know so much has happened in our relationship. I truly think there's no recovering and no going back. I remember how things were in the very beginning and I miss that. But, in saying that, it only lasted 2 months before the shit hit the fan (ie Ali came to visit). It's all just been downhill since then. 2 months was not long enough for me to have developed the feelings that I did for Wayne and want to hang on to someone and something that was so wrong for me. But, I did just have a baby so my emotions and hormones were not in a normal place. Also, sometimes, people do take a shine to others quite quickly. I just had no idea, until Ali happened, what Wayne was really like. He's pretty good at making people think he's something that he's not. I had no reason to mistrust Wayne, and I had ever reason to allow myself to have feeling for him. That's my argument for having hung onto this relationship.
I accept that Wayne will not be the last person I ever have a relationship. I want more than he can give any woman. If you look back at his history with women, he doesn't exactly give them what they want. It takes someone like Sarah to accept Wayne the way he is.
Wayne is not a loving person. He's not romantic. He's not considerate to a partner. I think that a partner is the last person on his list of people to treat well and make a priority. He might think differently, but I mean, can't he see it? Maybe he can, and perhaps he just thinks it's ok.
Who knows. The important thing for me, is that I do NOT think it's ok. It makes me sad, because I know I have been through enough in life to deserve to be love, respected & cherished. |
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