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[Feb. 16th, 2008|10:49 pm] |
Well, here's an update on the V-day situation.
Wayne did buy me a card & gift. The card was fairly nice and it did say 'To my Valentine... with love'. And yes, I bought Wayne something. However, I would not have done if he hadn't of sent me a text the day before saying he would be home late as he had to buy someone a V-day gift.
I bought him a card which sid 'If you show me yours... I'll show you mine - Happy V-day'. I just signed it with 3 xxx's. He wrote inside his that although he doesn't tell me often enough, he is grateful for all I do. had a bit of a
I had a bit of a miserable start to my day today. My head hurt and I think I've got a urine infection. My thoughts over the last few days haven't helped either. I had a dream last night and it wasn't pleasant. Well it wasn't exactly unpleasant either. I dreamt that I had finished with Wayne, and it was a very final finish. I had gotten wind of Michelle being in town. Now, I can't remember the exact details of the situation, but I'm pretty sure she was already married and about to move away. I went round there, to tell her to ditch the new life, and go back to Wayne. I felt, in my heart (in the dream) that it was the right thing and it's what was meant to be. I remember I knocked on her door after peering into the window for sometime and watching everyone. Someone answered, and the first person I noticed was Rachel. I don't know how I knew it was her, but in the dream I just knew. Naomi wasn't there yet (don't ask me how I knew that either). Then, Michelle came into the room. I introduced myself and she knew who I was (I presumed Naomi had told her). There was such a rush around the room because she was literally leaving there and then, so I just spilled out the purpose of my visit. She wasn't having it. She had a new life and didn't want to go back to Wayne. I don't think she took me seriously. Next thing, she was in the car, driving down the road. And then I woke up.
It's a bit of a nothing drem really. It's not particularly sad or upsetting in its actions. However, what was upsetting was how much I believed Michelle and Wayne should be together. It wasn't because I thought it was good for Michelle. It was because I knew, that no one, ever, would be 'Michelle' to Wayne, except Michelle. So I did it for his benefit.
This dream hasn't really effected my mood or thoughts, as I have always believed the whole Michelle 4 Wayne thing (lol). I mean, Michelle ain't ever coming back, and that's just it. And I know that Wayne knows this. But I don't think it motivates him much to find something else.
What Wayne and I have is not ever-lasting love. This is not the last relationship either of us will ever have.
This makes me a little bit sad, because I do remember, that in the early days, I truly believed, in some small way, that Wayne was just so fantastic and that we could have a future together. But so much shit has happened that there's not really any way of going back to that feeling I had, or repairing the damage that's been done.
I just wont ever forgive Wayne for how he treated me while I was pregnant. I've had 2 pregnancies, and with the second one, I had a chance to know what it was like to have a supportive partner around to care. But it wasn't actually like that. I won't go into details now. I did that in the old journal I think.
My main problem with my relationship with Wayne, is that I am not as self sufficient as I need to be in order to stay happy. As long as Wayne is kept happy, and I don't need any sort of maintenance (emotional or physical) then everything is fine and we are ok. But as soon as I get stressed, need help r get sexually frustrated, then the balance is out for him and he can't cope. And I'm just not as self sufficient as I once thought.
I'd like to be cherished by someone, and loved. Truly loved. This does matter to me, a great deal. I think that I deserve it. I think I have enough to offer someone, to get in turn, what I feel I deserve. I want someone to truly believe that their life is better because I'm a part of it.
Wayne couldn't really give 2 tosses if I cooked his meals. Yep, he likes what I cook and it makes things easier on him, but if I stopped, so what? He'd just cook for himself. He likes to say that he managed before I came along, so he'd manage again if he had to. Someone who truly appreciated my cooking wouldn't be like that.
I don't feel like I get much back for what I put in. I can't tell you when Wayne last did something for ME. This does not include logistical stuff like getting up in the night with the kids or picing them p from nursery. If Wayne wants to count this, then it makes him look like a part time dad who just helps me out. I'm talking about an action purely for my benefit and to increase my happiness. Whether or not I'm happy matters not to Wayne.
Trying to be self sufficient is difficult. I have to sort of build this wall up around me, and it's turning me against my relationship with Wayne. In order not to care about not getting much in return for my efforts, I have to distance myself from the relationship and think of it as an arrangement. This is not good for the psyche. I just end of saying to myself 'There's plenty of time to find true love'. And then I just get on with things. I end up telling myself I'm doing this for the kids. It's for their benefit. And so, I am able to distance my own needs from what I actually get.
Of course this is not normal. I've discussed it with Sharon. She knows what goes on and she did tell me that she was surprised to hear it. She thought things were fine. Why else would I buy a house and have a baby with someone. I explained to her about it being in the best interest of the kids and she said to me, that it was never too |
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