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-&& seven ღツ
Lots of things can be seen as beauty. Sometimes even faults or flaws in people. When you look at people, what do you see? Do you see their past? Their looks? Their amazing contributions to things or their faults? Or do you see it all and process it as a person? Everyone is different with how they think, how they feel, how they process. It's a long, grueling concept and transformation to make yourself into an adult. Into who you want to be.

I have the making it down pat. I can make the money, budget the bills and get by. I'm learning newer and better ways but I can do it. What I can't handle are the emotional concepts. I'm horrible with it. I'm so scared of being left behind I straight up push people away. I don't know why, nor does it make sense to me. And due to being neglected as a child by my parents unless it was negative reactions such as beating me, I'm used to things being either all about me or nothing about me. Because don'tcha know that if you're spouse is cheating on you or beating you that's all my fault for being born some how when you wanted me.

I have a lot of issues going on inside of me. And it's really time I opened up, burried the issues and moved on with them all. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I'm going to use this journal to crack open the walls I've burried myself in and get past them all and put them to rest. I really only will have two or three people reading this journal (two others will know but they are horrible with computers). Shay. Kerri. Blake. Those are the three strong holds of my life. They hold me up when I'm weak and are amazing friends. So this will be my journal for everyday life and my friends only enteries is for private reasons. No one else will ever see those entries or its contents. Nor do I want them to, because I honestly can't trust anyone else but those three. I also have a private journal for just me to work things out before I go to people about them so yeah. Before you friend me, know the gist of that and know that I'm not a perfect person, I'm a pretty big fuck up, and I'm a really messed up person sometimes but I mean well, love fiercly and will make myself into what I need to become. And those are the only people that know how to help me the way I need it and I have confidence that they can. I'll update later about my days, but for now, I need to go think and then start journaling.