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[09 Dec 2010|10:24pm]
No more favors, no more graciousness, no more one-sided kindness.
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[12 Apr 2010|04:56pm]
Holy shit.
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In the moment [02 Mar 2010|06:03pm]
Right now, I'm in one of those moods. It feels like everyone around me has completely gone off their gourd, and my usual answer to this is to just stop getting input from that source.

It goes in the well, away from people's prying eyes. Everyone tells me how troublesome this all is, so it's best in the well. People don't lose their patience that way, or their tempers, or their fingers. There's complaints when I leave the well open, so I don't. But then I get yelled at for hiding it. Well.

I've tried this a million times before, but I never get very far. Someone starts at me again, and I never have the energy to get back to it. Or I make it private, and/or delete it once I'm on the rise back up. Or the contradictions eat at me until I'm convinced it's just asking for it to say anything-- I won't ever win, I'll always be the wrong thing, and any attempt to fix it is only going to piss people off more.

But right now, I'm happy to ride the wave of anger, because at least it's something beyond the constant confusion.

Here I am, at the bottom of the well, and the view looks green with algae.

A conversation with a world gone mad )
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13 hours [19 Aug 2009|11:17pm]
While I have now learned the UPenn ER is amazing and their doctors rock, I found out in a way I'd prefer not to.

Starts out, Monday I had jury duty. I'd been eating and sleeping very little, stressed about school coming up, still sorting through things here at the apartment, Harris's birthday approaching, and also the one year anniversary of mom's death. Lots of stuff piling up in the Kiko-brain, but I was actually kind of excited about jury duty since I'd never done it before.

It was one of those harrowing experiences that further affirms your adulthood, and makes you sort of hate it at the same time. I have a lot of respect for due process, especially after the courts proved my innocence when the cops were douchebags last year, but the jury duty system sucks balls. We were bounced around a lot from room to room, and between the blistering August-in-Philadelphia heat and the blue-fingered cold of the air-conditioned courtrooms.

I was on edge, but I was back in the cycle of sleeping 2-3 hours a night again, so I expected that. I'd gotten picked for a civil case that everyone said would last maybe a day if the folks didn't just settle instead. Okay day.

Then I came home, got a little nap, and we started on dinner. Well, we meant to. It degenerated into arguing to the tune of all of us storming out of each other's presence. None of us really slept, none of us really could. By 5AM we were all sitting in the same room together.

Thus occurred my total and complete snap.

The last year, life has been a madhouse. No matter how we all felt about mom, losing her was like losing a limb. And the guys, Gods bless them, want to go back to "normal." Except, we're never going to have that normal again. There's going to have to be a new normal. They've also kept to themselves a lot, and bickered with each other a lot. I've been up and down on the "intolerable" list every other week myself.

Problem is, they cope by putting things back together. They cope by letting their feelings out, raw, unabridged, and taking them 100% for what they are. I cope by tearing down the broken thing and building it new and different. I cope by carefully keeping my feelings to myself until I'm sure they're not going to hurt me or put me in an undesirable position, and sometimes outright countering what I feel because it's so damn easy for me to drown in it and feel sorry for myself.

The guys read this as me not wanting to grieve or mourn at all, and trying not to overwhelm me because of that. In a way, we've all been 'protecting' each other, or trying to, which is a fool's errand. This has been a vicious cycle for nearly a year that we didn't realize until Monday night.

Finally climbed into bed for the few hours I'd have before court. Except I didn't sleep. My mind buzzed and I tossed and turned and apparently mumbled incoherent things. When the alarm went off at 8AM, I was seeing things and even more incoherent. I vaguely remember Paul taking my pulse, and the guys helping me get dressed to get to the hospital. I remember watching TV with Joe in the waiting room, and some lady in Pepto Bismol pink asking us to hold her station-alarm they give you while she went to go have a cigarette. Joe went to go call court for me, and when my buzzer went off for triage, Pink Lady's buzzer was gone and so was she, and there was a different show on the TV then had been there when I was watching it a moment ago. Most of the day went in blips of consciousness like this.

Medical Nightmare )
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Un-fucking-believable [09 Aug 2009|06:13pm]
Once Douchebag #1 relieved himself from my life (finally, thanks for getting a hint), Douchebag #2 has made himself known, and outted himself at the same time. This dude? Is OUTRAGEOUS.

After a few weeks of really being sick and hoping to see him, he passive-aggressively dodged me at every turn. I looked really bad in front of a friend who we'd had plans to introduce to him and some of his, but the second to last day she was around, he made himself pretty clear. My family offended him, though he'd never come right out and said anything to them, so this was sort of like "bwah? Okaaay". Oh, in so many words, he had no intention of setting foot near my place or near them-- ever-- even at the expense of our friendship. (Reliable, right?)

But he loved flirting with me, and still wanted to sleep with me.

There is NOTHING you can politely say in response to that. Really. It all ends in "go fuck yourself".

So, it's done, after some drama filled txt-whining from the hypocritical ass, wishing me to, I dunno, absolve him of any guilt he may have? I never asked for a fucking apology, and even further, I wouldn't WANT it. What do five letters mean to me in the face of such selfish, callous behavior?

I'm struck by the knowledge now that, of the friends we made last year at school, Kristal was dead-on about who was worth hanging with, and who wasn't. Carla, Jason A, Brandi and Sadiyyah, despite the things that have frustrated me, have been good associates. Sarah and her ilk are flaky people that aren't honest to each other, but yet insist they have some higher answer than others, though they are intimidated but anyone challenging such ideas. College intellects.

I hope I always have people keeping me more balanced than that.
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Dear President Obama, [22 Jun 2009|11:44pm]
(And all you parents worried about your children smoking)

Here's a great idea, while we're morally policing the populace: if we're going to go after tobacco companies for their harmful advertising that obviously induces some sort of mind control in our young people, let's put Abercrombie & Fitch, Mattel, Nerf, and Nintendo up there, too. I don't know if you've seen any of their packaging, or the general douchebaggery of any teen who devotes themselves wholly to any one of these companies' products, but I think it's going pretty far to corrupt the youth of America.

I know a lot more people that don't smoke than do. Most of the ones that don't are young, and, this feels worse to me, naive, self-proclaimed free-thinkers who wouldn't so much as poison their bodies with MEAT, much less smoke.

Even through all that, though, I can get behind some of this bill. Those "400,000" Americans that die in "tobacco-related illnesses", though? Get thee behind me, Satan. Most of us who smoke are way past your scare tactics now. To say that someone who smoked a pack a day for 30 years and died of lung cancer probably hurt himself significantly by smoking is pretty sound logic. It is not scientific. If you know how the process works, and I'm sure you do, most of those government health statistics come from insurance companies who report information to various health boards. Wanna know why insurance companies ask if you're a smoker. Yes, that's right-- if you are or ever were, and you die of a terminal illness, they can categorize this as dying from a tobacco-related illness.

And you bet your ass they will, because people love fear.

Now, I'm not endorsing kid's commercials and baby onesies with Joe the Camel. To me, most of that stuff is a historical footnote for amusement value, like the Flintstones Winston commercials. No cartoon character ever convinced me to smoke, and my most beloved comic book characters are not smokers. If anything, my crazy fucking parents drove me to smoking. I imagine a good portion of the underage smokers in America will probably tell you a great story that boils down to doing something everybody would freak out over them doing. For a teenager, this means everything is fair game. It might actually come back to, maybe, I dunno, policing your own damn kids and not me, too?

Anyway. I wanted to let you know I get where you're coming from, and I think, at the heart, what's trying to be done here could be well intentioned. But...

WTF with my flavored tobacco, you Dumbo-earred Joker-grinning MOFO? (I mean that in the politest way, Mr. President.)

FLAVORED TOBACCO? C'mon. Some of us adults, believe it or not, actually like a cognac-vanilla flavored cigar once in a while. I can even get into the banana or grape once in a while. This is another blatant attempt by the government to protect the people from themselves, and quite frankly, we don't need it.

There's this crazy idea that some of us enjoy smoking. There are a few smoking bars in this city, lovely little cafes, really, and there are always people inside, smoking, socializing, eating and drinking. I love Djarum Blacks in the winter time, but only the winter.

Even beyond that, I can think of a few vices we all have ourselves, or have watched for entertainment, that can also be quite dangerous, or fatal, especially if continued for a lifetime. You'd be astonished at the rates on... BDSM, NASCAR racing, bungee jumping, sky diving, sex with strangers, asphyxiation for sexual pleasure, professional wrestling (have you heard what most of those guys' medical charts look like after a while? Eesh), the UFC, alcohol (you know that's a toxin, right? Kay.), football, baseball, uh... yeah, let's just say being a professional athlete of a team sport can ruin your knees/back/neck over a long period... And we all know the memory retention and speech capabilities of those who spend many years in boxing. It can be a hard fact of the business.

We know these things are dangerous, but we've weighed the risk and said for ourselves that our enjoyment of it is worth any drawbacks or risks it may carry with it.

I don't even want to hear the addiction card, either. The word you want is chemical dependency, if anything. Modern neurological science has proven love to be an addiction, yes, an actual chemical process that happens in your brain. When you're in love... or addicted to something.. your brain behaves much the same way it would if you were mentally unstable. (I recommend 'The Science of Addiction: From Neurobiology to Treatment' by Dr. Carlton Erickson, 'Addiction and the Brain: the neurobiology of compulsion and its persistence' put out by Nature Reviews Neuroscience in 2001 and published by Elsevier Science. Or just go to and do a search.)

So if we're going to sling the addiction word around, let's at least all be clear on what we mean; socially acceptable addictions, and non-socially acceptable addictions.

I love capitalism, Mr. President, and in that venue, I love that you have done this. Do you want to know why?

You haven't stopped us, you've actually kind of helped me. I've always complained for some time that they don't make enough different flavors of pre-rolled cigarettes that are widely available-- or some just taste like perfume. There are many companies that make flavoring with "multi-purpose use", though, but there's a reason they're sold in head shops along with the "water tobacco pipes." See, with capitalism, with enough demand, someone will make 'it' eventually. I won't walk into my local head shop anymore and be disappointed by the selections of tobacco flavors, and thus, buy the pre-rolled, expensive pack of flavored cigarettes and leave.

Nope, you have now opened the door of opportunity to make what I want-- and what so many people so loudly love to hate-- more available to me. Soon, there will be shelves with all sorts of flavors. I'll buy a few, and the papers, filters, and tobacco, flavor it myself, and then I can make one banana cigarette, or a whole pack. It's entirely up to me. It will be cheaper than a flavored pack. The DIY-resources will last longer, and go farther, and I won't have to worry about not being able to share with my friends who are smokers because "crap, I've only one left, sorry!"

You're going to be renaming my menthol light 100s, but really, I couldn't give two craps about that, because it's only lip service. They won't stop making "lights" or "100s", they'll just call them something else.

Your kids will still smoke, too, but keep on keepin' on with tossing away all of our hard-earned, tax dollars, to stop kids from smoking, to keep Mexicans out, to keep marijuana illegal, and the other inane, pointless things we combat in this country. I'm laughing right now at every single one of your voters that helped lobbyists put this in place.

In closing... thank you for making it easier for me to smoke in the long run, though inconvenient in the meantime while I wait for the market to catch up.

Laughing at you,
Philadelphia Smoker.
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I love when the shit writes itself. [21 Jun 2009|04:40am]
[ mood | amused ]

And thus, my first post.

Here's the joke and here's the punchline.

Ah, the modern age of not taking responsibility for your own immaturity. Innit grand? Don't hate me. I don't write this shit, I just laugh at it.

Edited because some people never give up
From: Saphie
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 1:40 AM
Subject: Because it needs to be said.
To: G

Since you or one of your cronies most likely got me banned from BRPS, fuck you, G.

You know you're a wanky marty complex, manipulative son of a bitch that bullies the shit out of people and only has supporters because you constantly act like you're harmed and maligned when you're oh so innocent--never mind that it usually takes months or years of wank to get people to the point where they do speak out against you.

You're a bully. Maybe it's to protect yourself or whatever. You're just really goddamn good at hiding it.

Just be really fucking grateful I still don't intend to post anything anyone eviscerating you and making it abundantly clear exactly how quietly nasty you are.

Especially since I saved all our old logs, including ones where you were catty about people taking characters you'd left behind, and trying to get a player tossed from the game without them even breaking a rule.

From: Saphie
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 1:59 AM
Subject: Re: Because it needs to be said.
To: G

PS I'm only directing this at you instead of Miche since it was your name mention that got me banned.

But yeah, she kinda sucks too.

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