Sometimes deja vu sucks. Funny how a few tables, tablecloths and votive candles can turn the clock back three months. Bam, there I am, Cinderella at the ball (except in.a stunning red dress, not a pastel blue one), with the 'Prince Charming' who's acting anything but. Enough with the poetic vagueness, okay so my church started this women's ministry called Girlfriends Unlimited right? Tonight was the kickoff night, and they had tables, with black tablecloths & votive candles set up in this big all-purpose room we call the Great Hall. There'll be like book clubs, movie clubs, cooking, fitness, etc. Anyways, my sister & a friend of mine worked childcare.

The flashback/deja vu i'm referring to? Valentine's Day. They had a couple's banquet, and it was murder mystery themed. Decorations included black tablecloths, votive candles. I was one of the actresses, and my semi-ex, Austin, was one of the actors. We'd been talking since July of last year & both realized we liked eachother last fall....trouble was, he didn't do anything about it! Never asked me out, never tried to get to know my parents. I'm of the mindset that if you get me, you get my family. Nope, he RAN from them, like literally. This wasn't just some fluff deal, either. We'd talked about future, as in marriage, kids, etc. We had a lot in common, wanting to go into ministry & saw how we could benefit eachother. He was a sweet talker, telling me I was beautiful, among other things.

Anyways, so things had progressed to a point that i'm thinking 'okay, it's now or never, freakin ask me out already!'. He claimed he wouldn't ask me on V-day as it was 'so cliché'. I myself happen to like a little clichéness. Longggggg story short, February 14th of this year was a disaster. I got him cute little gifts, stuff relating to us & inside jokes we had....I received? Nada. They had the place covered in vases of red roses. As we were helping clean up, I casually dropped the hint that I loved red roses. A romantic, cute thing to do would have been to grab one, give it to me. Nope. The last straw, however, would be when the entire 'cast' of actors decided to go out to eat, and the girls that did childcare that night who flirted incessantly with him, and he with them, he invited to go with us. Even after pulling them aside and saying that I kinda wanted it to be special, and without tagalongs, he brushed it off. One of the girls proceeded to hang all over him, wearing his jacket. I was infuriated, wanted to talk to him at the restaurant, but he left. We got into a heated text argument afterwards, as he wouldn't answer his phone, and 'broke up'. I learned a lot of hard lessons, some which I've had to learn & re-learn again & again. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still care about him. He's the type of person that you want to shake because they have so much potential but waste it. We settled things a couple weeks after Valentine's, I told him I forgave him for hurting me, etc. He was defensive at first but then said the reason he acted that way among other things (becoming extremely close to me to then ignore me or say hurtful things) was to my benefit. I was better off without him, and now I could be better, because he wasn't in my life. I didn't believe him for awhile, but realized not long ago that it all makes a twisted sort of sense. He's the type of guy that comes off as cocky, thinks they're God's gift to women & basically everyone. But inside is that scared that doesn't think he's worthy of anything, much less someone else's love. That's what makes me sad, is I saw the vulnerable side, a couple times. It was brief, but sometimes it would show through the cocky exterior.

I wanted to 'save' him, show him he was worthy of love and that I could give that. But that's not how it worked. It's like he was drowning, I jumped in to try and save him and we both got swept away. Bad for both.

I'm stronger than I ever have been for having gone through this, and we're civil now, even laugh & joke sometimes. It's not the same though. Sometimes I wish i'd never told him I liked him (it came out accidently, haha) because our friendship is what I miss most. Everything happens for a reason though, i'm a firm believer in that.

Maybe someday....when we're on the same road, headed towards the same goals. When we've grown up and it's not all about 'me, me, me.' When we remember the seven months that it was the city girl and the country boy, ready to take on the world. Maybe someday it'll work.

So yeah....deja vu sucks.

feeling:: contemplative