I usually rail that I won't do Christmas things until December, at LEAST, but my children are persuasive and chore-willing beings if it means that they can start decorating early.

It's funny to me how each year, I feel very differently. I remember Christmas 1999, it was the first time I'd hosted a Christmas dinner. Our chairs were old and children-stained: fabric covered chairs on wheels, virtually impossible to clean by that point. I covered them loosely in holiday themed fabric and other chairs were brought from card tables and the like to make up the difference. Dinner itself was fine, but I felt ill the entire time, and knew full well why. I half-expected that someone would call me on my lack of drinking any champagne, but no one really did. I was saving the announcement of Jayne's impending birth until New Year's, as a Year 2000 deal. ;)

But I never forgot how I FELT that year. Drawn and tired, sick...too much to do and it seemed it took five times as long to accomplish anything as normal. Decorations seemed dark and heavy and cluttering up everything and honestly, I believe that year, I insisted the tree come down the day after Christmas. Katie was not quite four, and Karl was only 19 months, so they didn't have much argue points to make, and had new toys to play with. What I needed was the illusion of space that having no tree or decorations up gave me, mentally and emotionally.

As the years have gone by since then, I've learned to follow my heart on when things happen. This year, I'm willing to let the kids decorate early, put the tree up with non-breakable ornaments until we know what the cats will do, (note to self: no catnip in December!) and try to simply enjoy it all. I've taken pressure off myself as much as I can - making some gifts rather than buying, going small and "consumable" with the kids as we can, limiting how many cards we'll send out. Next year it'll probably be big again.

So I take them as they come. Big or small, it's how that year's Christmas will be.

http://www.squidge.org/~candy_a/bth.txt

post-vid drop, and it's not even public yet.

*feels melancholy*

And I was a shrieking harpy with my kids today. Backtalk, incessant arguing with me over semantics, refusal to do the things they 'don't WANT to do'...I LOST it.

I feel so ashamed.

***

Katie is going to see the Singing Christmas Tree with her grandmother and aunt tomorrow. Jayne is disappointed she wasn't invited, but tickets aren't cheap and she's a little young, and frankly, HER behaviour has been questionable lately, my god. We think we'll try to take her and Karl somewhere tomorrow, be a family of four for an afternoon. Maybe find a movie. Katie has school Monday, but the elementary kids don't, for grade prep. Pray for me.

***

In a very bad, bad, bad fandom person tonight. I've been poking through Pepper's wonderful Tagging Bay City project, wherein she is trying to list all the stories at least available online, tagging them by subject, character inclusion, episode reference, etc. The list makes no distinction as to quality, and while I can unequivocally state that I am SO not the best writer out there, some of the fics that folks put up do serve to make me laugh. When the same word is spelled two different ways in the first paragraph and there are no commas where there should be at least three, and all in Mary-Sue purple prose, I start to laugh. It's SO bad of me, and I know, but I did need that levity - it was like it was offered up to me just then, just right. And then, through the fog of unintentional gen/het badfic, there shone a beacon: Candy Apple. I'm currently reading a Bloodbath based fic by her that I'd not read before. All hail pepper_ckua for her work on this project.

***

We are behind in the viewing of certain tv shows. We're just now getting started on the dvds of part two of season six of Sex and the City ("The Girls"). We finished "The Boys" (QAF) some weeks ago, and we've had "Long Way Down" sitting on the recorder since August. Finally started watching those. Poor Charley. And we watched the Civil War game between OSU and UofO. Thanks for calling a fumble a down, ref. I don't watch football on a regular basis and even *I* know the difference. That should have been a touchdown, and you all know it. Feh.

***

Who are my Rodney/Carson shippers? I may need your help. Holler if you know the eps pretty darned well, eh?

***

We are scheduled for a family portrait next Saturday. We haven't had formal ones done (save last year's Santa picture, which wasn't all THAT formal) since Jayne was three. Pray I don't look like a...well, I don't like myself very much at the moment.

***

Roy and I were pondering why we've managed to be married for over sixteen years, and together two years longer than that. We figured out, it's likely because we give each other space to be ourselves. He knows he's crap in a kitchen and with laundry machines, and I am happy to do it, and I'm crap with figuring out electronics and computers and if the oil needs changing in a car, I'll take it to Oil Can Henry's, but he is happy to do those things. And I have my interests and he has his, and although I didn't like it when the kids were really little, now that they are older I have no problem with him taking off to see a friend, play poker, go have a beer, and occasionally I join him. He bonds with Vicki over "24" and "The Big Bang Theory" and cyber-bonds with master_chatnoir over "Prison Break", and hangs slashy art by gloriana and enednoviel on our bedroom walls. I bond with Mark over Dave Matthews Band and I think bizket is figuring out I'm not a cold fish. ;) And understands when I fly away two or three times a year. And lately, I wish he could come with me. Maybe next time I go east, I'll bring him to mrshamill's.

I don't do this navel-gazing thing very well. But this is what falls out of my head.

I irrationally feel like crying. I think I'm near PMSing again, which would mean my cycle is trying to be that elusive "normal" this month. It came on the 12th this month...hm.

And of course I live in the perpetual fear that I will hurt someone's feelings by stating my opinion on something, and likely I haven't as they find it far easier to shrug shit off, but I obsess. It's ridiculous, really. Maybe I'm having a bit of a delayed reaction to my grandfather's passing. I had to answer a question at Caring.com about how to tell her dad it's ok to let go and die. M and I had a little bonding session over email for that one, for it was hard for both of us.

*sigh*

But I have a beautiful Christmas tree up that I only helped with putting on the lights. And pretty white lights edging the roofline outside. And clean clothes, dry and folded. New sheets to sleep on, a partner to sleep on them with, a PIC who tells me from the other side of the world that I do good things and curses time zones with me, children who try my patience, but it only shows how smart they are, really, and dammit, I have all of you.

And I'm really crying now. Dammit.