What I'm feeling: sad, depressed, like a huge disappointment to my father, and an all around screw-up

I'm keeping track of my entries on here for right now until I can get to Wal-mart but even then I'll still try and post once a day or once every other day.

Today was a good day until my dad got home. He wasn't mean or anything like that I just felt so bad because I hadn't gotten the chance to shower yet because I didn't have any clean pants washed yet. Then he goes out to mow the grass and I start feeling even worse because I should have mowed at least some of the yard yesterday or the day before but lately I've been feeling so fatigued and run down that I don't think I had the energy to do so. So I kept going with the laundry until I had plenty of my dad's clothes washed and at least a load of mine and Toby's but yet I still feel as if I hadn't/haven't done enough. The house is sort of in a chaotic mess right now but it's on my list of things to do this week/end. On Friday I need to head to Wal-mart for groceries and tomorrow I'm going to the mall to fill out some applications and hopefully score an interview.

I just feel as if my dad thinks that I'm not doing anything on purpose. I'm not. I do try and get out during the day but it's so hot outside that even with all four of my windows rolled down it doesn't cool off! So I normally wait until after 4 or 5pm to go do my running this way it's cooler and I'm not as miserable in my black car. Though when school starts up again I'm going to be miserable for a little while especially if it doesn't start getting cooler by the end of August. Either way I might be miserable in the winter time too because I'm not sure when it's going to snow but hopefully it'll be nice and wait until after I get done with my classes in December.

*sigh* I better go now. My clothes just got finished drying so I'm going to go hop in the shower and head out to Wal-mart to pick up water, paper plates, a size J crochet hook, and try to find a decent journal.


I'm going to be leaving these entries public just in case I need to access them from a different computer and this way I won't have to sign in to read them. So if I get flamed for these, which I don't know why I would but you just never know with some of the people on here, I really don't care. If that person has nothing better to do than to flame someone for typing out their feelings based on a counselors' suggestion then they truly have no life whatsoever.



This has nothing to do with my journal entry but both of my mood themes are GONE. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK! I didn't remove them and I thought I had the FOB up and running on here but apparently not either way my I think I still had my Vampire Knight theme up. My poor brain. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on this journal.

mood: depressed

So my appointment went alright today. I got there early enough to fill out a health history and financial history etc etc. I met my counselor and she was the nicest person I have ever met hands down. She didn't make me feel dumb or stupid, and she certainly didn't ask "How does that make you feel?" although today was just a diagnostic but she could definitely tell from my answers and a questionnaire that I filled out that I was depressed and have low self worth. So I set up 2 30 minute appointments with her and one 1 hour appointment with her all within the next 3 months and I have two Doctor's appointments that I have to follow up on. One is August 27th and I think the other is September 17th. I'd have to double check but I have to make sure that none of my appointments will interfere will my school schedule. They shouldn't since I asked for morning appointments but ya never know with me.

Talking to her did help me and I'm looking forward to our next few sessions. I think that I'm going to keep my Dr.'s appts anyway this way I can get the meds just in case the counseling doesn't work.

I am so tempted to unplug our home phone because the only people who call our house phone are telemarketers and ugh it's so annoying that they keep calling and never leave messages. Yarrgg.

Well I'm a bit tired so I think I'm going to go lay down for awhile. I will expand on this entry later after a good sleep.

Oh she also told me to keep a journal of how I was feeling and what days and such so I'm going to be making those here and in a personal journal I have here at home but I'll be keeping those entries public just in case I lose my journal.

If you have a livejournal account check out the above community! XDDDDD

~is a promote whore~

HEY!!! Come and join 123insert over at livejournal! We totally have cookies and you know you want the cookies!!! ^_^

This is so sad! I can't believe he's dead. He was one of my all time favourite comedians. *sniffles* Bye-Bye

Pictures of Zola and one of her and Kaos ^^ My babies. I have more pictures but I'll post them later as I try and figure out a decent size to use when posting them here. They will also be under a cut for length and yadda yadda ya.

mood: happy tags: cage climber, kaos and zola, pictures, zola. kaos

I'm down to two communities. 1 being my own the other being smarmy_army seeing as those are the only two communities that she isn't in. I tried I really did but she had to do something stupid. Check out rants. Now I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to speak her mind but after I've let everything go and cut all ties with her she brings it up and acts like she's the mature one just because she offered 1, I repeat, 1 apology and not everyone saw it. So yeah I'm irked and I don't want to be a part of any community that she's in so I was the bigger person and left.

Sorry gaiz I just don't need anymore stress right now and lately she has been the cause of it so after I cut my ties with her I felt better...until now that is.

...lost. I feel so lonely and confused and extremely emotional. I feel as if everything is hitting me at once, like it normally does, and I'm sick of it. I just wish I could take a break from life itself and be able to become one with myself again. I'm thinking about getting rid of Kaos because I can't take care of him like I thought I could. I am a horrible person but if I can't care for him properly then selling him with everything is probably my best option. I would love to just give him away but I can't I spent about $180 on him so I need to sell him. He comes with a cage (though he really needs a bigger one), food dishes, water bottle(needs a bigger one), litter box, half a big bag of litter, bag of food, a hammock for his cage, a bunch of blankets, fabric, and torn t-shirts for his bedding, a few toys, a litter scooper, shampoo, and a spray that helps keep the smell down.

So I'm wanting to know if $100 is too much to ask for everything...? Toby said to ask at least that much for everything he comes with but I was thinking more along the lines of $70-90 since the ferret is older but he needs shots, nails clipped, and groomed BUT the plus side is he is great with kids and people but he has never been around dogs but he needs a lot of play room and needs to be played with 4 hours a day. So I'm not sure and I need some input from my friends...What do you think?

......Because I've gone off my BC I've been nothing but an emotional wreck and I also have high and random mood swings. I hate it but I hate being on the pill more and I know that it'll take months for me to get a regular cycle going but bleh. So I'm kind of a touchy person lately so if I come off as Bitchy, Pissy, or Snappy then I truly am sorry I'm trying to get my emotions in check so that my dad won't notice what's going on. So I'd advise people to NOT get on my bad side for the continue of this week and possibly next week. It's not that I have a problem with anyone or such it's just that I don't know for sure what my "bad" pressure points are that trigger my mood swings. Also please excuse some of my entries if they are ranty/bitchy/emotional/off the wall/or anything else that might seem weird.

So yeah I'm having some hormone issues, gameshark issues, and gaming issues XD But that doesn't mean that I still can't take my anger out on those poor heartless/nobodies. XDDDDD Poor things will never know what's coming to them. HaHa. See? I was sad typing the top part now I'm all happy and giddy typing this part.

Well I better go I need to get dressed, eat, and do a few other things before I have to baby-sit today. *yawn* Man I'm still tired.

Ok I think it's time that I go on a mini hiatus. I've been kind of tired and groggy lately and all of this Bullshit that rubbish and drugs have been pulling hasn't been helping me at all. So I'm going to take a few days maybe a week to myself to relax and call Wal-mart to see what the dealio is.

I'll probably have my cell phone on silent or vibrate so if you text/call me and I don't answer please don't get offended. I'm here but I just need some to reconnect with myself and get some housework done. I seriously need some R&R so I'm taking just in case I do happen to get this job at Wal-mart I won't be stressed or frazzled.

So I'm not sure when I'll be back though I might pop in some time next week to catch up on/with my friends.

TTFN


****EDIT****
Andy Capp's Cheddar Fries and Frozen Pepsi/Cokes are my new best friends!

But they don't replace the coolest, greatest, and bestest friends I have on here XD


****EDIT #2****
This should be my last edit. I could help but want to post this since I nearly choked on my food when I saw it. This can very well be used for some EPIC FAIL.


more funny fail pictures at FAIL Blog

Click on the pic to see the FAIL unfold!

Well that was FUN! >_< NOT!! I'm sorry but my main e-mail was flooded by all of the commenting from Moggy that I am having an issue staying away. But I did post a reply in drugs bitchbook post and I wanted to put the link here so that I could have you guys read it and tell me what you think.

http://www.scribbld.net/community/bitchbook/141319.html?thread=1845767#t1845767

Tonight I'm going to take a cleansing Sea Salt bath with Lavender and hopefully rid myself of her negativity and mine. She says that she wants to be done with the drama well I'll believe that when the grass turns blue, the sky turns green, and when we can all stare up into the sun without getting blinded by it.

So there I feel as if I've said my peace on the matter and I won't be commenting back to her in this week's flamecup because she isn't worth the headache or the time. I'm letting her have the last word on everything and maybe she'll finally STFU once and for all.

SCATTERGORIES... it's harder than it looks!

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following... they have to be real places, names, things... nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial.

1. What is your name: Kiki

2. 4 letter word: Kill

3. Vehicle: Kia

4. A city: Kansas City

5. Boy Name: Kyle

6. Girl Name: Kira

7. Alcoholic drink: Kahlua Bomb

8. Occupation: Kindergarten Teacher

9. Something you wear: Kimono

10. Celebrity: Kat Von D

11. Food: Kiwi

12. Something found in a bathroom: Kotex tampons

13. Reason for Being Late: Knocking boots

14. Cartoon Character: Kim possible

15. Something you shout: Kiss Me!

16. Animal: Kangaroo

17. Body part: Kidney

18. Word to describe you: Kooky

Stolen from utena

That was really hard for me to do since "K" is not a common letter you think about when you think about stuff like this.

mood: happy

Ok so for the time being I am going on a hiatus. Today is May 11th-Mother's Day. My boyfriend and I are heading down to his mom and dad's house to see her and then we aren't going to being doing much after that except laundry and dishes. But either way I know it's only going on 3 years but this day is painful for me. My mom left my dad and me September 7th 2005 and their "dissolution" was final March 16th 2006. I've survived one without her because she was still living in Ohio that year but now she is living in North Carolina and the most I can do is send her an e-card and call her. Though my sympathies and condolences go out to anyone whose mother may no longer be upon this earthly plane.

The reason for my hiatus is 1)I seriously need to job-hunt 2)I've gotten back into playing Eternal Sonata 3)Too much to do around this house and 5)I just need some time away. I don't know when I'll be coming back but hopefully when I do I'll have a job.

location: home mood: tired tags: hiatus

Leaving this open just in case I forgot to add anyone from my other journal. Or if they forgot to add me.

****EDIT****
New banner because I didn't realize the other bogged down other people's computers. Sorry everyone!!!

tags: friends only, house m.d, open post