Thoughts and such ... @ 03:18 pm
Current Mood: tired & frustrated
I refuse to believe ...spend a day doing nothing ... nothing gets done ... don't care ... can't care ... rape of the pillion ...
Thoughts and such ...
* I was reading another's Blogger and suddenly felt nastalgic for my own. I don't use this much anymore or visit. I still miss dearlis. She left without saying goodbye. I was naive enough to think that I had made a friend, but maybe I insulted/offended her with my last comment to her. It was not meant that way. Its just so hard to talk to someone else about what's really in your head or how you're feeling without saying something that comes out wrong or is taken the wrong way. I really liked her posts and how she wrote. I enjoyed ... OK, I'm just a fool ...
* I got the impression from some of her writing that she didn't like it that people were actually reading her Blogger. She seemed to want to keep her thoughts and writing private, which isn't exactly what Blogger is for. That's better left to the slow sites like LOJO and DeadJournal.
* I have all these journals. I never post in them anymore. I don't know. I find that the more flist you have, the more closed you become. Like in face to face encounters, I believe I have censured myself. Afraid that if I am completely open that I will be rejected. There are things inside our heads that we never mean to share. These are our private thoughts and fantasies, day-dreams and such.
* I just had a strange thought ... I miss me. *
My internet connection is shit. So fucking slow. Damn!
I know only, the future cannot be driven by the past.
We move beyond, but not forward.
we lose faith, but not life
i have only dreams, and illusions, and little hope
i live to see the future
Who sees but does not listen
who moves in forward spirals
and cannot see beyond
do you see beyond to miracles
do you see nothing in your way
do you live without lifeblood
Somewhere along the line I got too old to sit with my legs crossed and they ache all the time. I am afraid of a bloodclot, but sitting on my bed is where I live now!
Very telling. Lets try to tell this without going over the falls.
You know what you mean. You know what you mean to say. You know what you want to convey. You try to write it in a post or a discussion forum. Friendship, lightheartedness, something. Instead you end up insulting someone. You end up having it taken the wrong way. You end up feeling frustrated that what you meant when you wrote it ends up not being understood.
When I was 18 and full of noble ideas and a true belief that I was a good person, I went to college and one day sitting in the caffeteria I heard a couple of guys at the table behind me talking about the college's basketball team and they were making racist remarks about the black players. Do you know what I did? I did nothing. Nothing at all. I just sat there outraged by what they were saying, but I didn't say a word! I have many regrets in my life, thousands perhaps. Things I've done that I shouldn't have. Things I wanted to do and didn't have the courage to do. But sitting there and listening to those guys say the things they were saying and not standing up and saying something, anything at all, is the most shameful act I have ever commited. And I will never be able to atone for that. Words hurt, Words kill.