I can sleep when I'm dead.

Counting the mile markers to sanity...


April 21st, 2008

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follow you into the dark
I just don't understand why my friend Rob only seems to remember to call or text message me when he's drunk. He forgets I exist until he gets drunk and horny and THEN he remembers I exist and that, oh yeah, I'm chronically lonely. I usually humor him or brush it off with a joke and change the subject, but last night it really annoyed me because I text him all the time and get no response until he gets drunk 2 weeks later.
So I didn't just brush it off last night, but I wasn't a buzzkill. I just used an annoyed tone in our text messages that I knew he wouldn't understand as annoyed until he re-reads them today and realizes I was kinda ticked off.
And when he does the usual sorry-for-being-a-drunken-fool-last-night text message, THEN I'll communicate clearly how I feel. Something like, "I really want to continue being your friend even with the distance now that I've move, but you make it really hard. I feel like you only remember to talk to me when you're drunk and looking for action, and that kinda makes me feel worthless in your eyes."

April 18th, 2008

I dig my heels into the dirt 'cause this one's gonna hurt...

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do you even care
After a lot of thought, I decided I don't think it's the right time to change my life so drastically. The day trip to the Poconos for job-hunting and apartment-hunting turned out to be a bust anyway. Misunderstandings and all that.
I've got a decent, steady job here, and I'm starting to find hope that I'll be able to make a life here and maybe find people to call friends. So I'm almost positive there won't be any drastic changes anytime soon. When my lease is up here at the end of June, I'm not staying in this apartment or apartment complex, but I'll stay in the general area for the sake of keeping my life together and sticking it out. Giving up this soon would be stupid; it's only been a few months.

On a completely unrelated note, it's been so long since I've seen my ex-fiance, heard his voice, or felt his touch that it feels like it was all a dream. I actually posed the question to myself last night, "Did that time with him really happen, or did you make him up?" It felt like a breach of contract with my insanity. I felt very distanced from reality. I really thought I snapped again.
Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a step towards forgetting how happy I was with him? Towards letting him go? Or maybe this is just the optimist in me trying to put a positive spin on how freaked I am that I can't remember what his voice sounds like or how it felt when his fingers grazed my lower back or that I can't recall his face without a picture. It gets kind of confusing to be an optimist who has a long history with mental illness, let me tell you.

I think I feel a late-night drive coming on...
I need to clear my head, and driving with music going late at night with no one on the road is the easiest way for me to get my head together. I need to get my ass in gear.

April 10th, 2008

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hate who i am
Today I'm taking a 2-hour drive to see if it's possible for me to start a new life. My stomach is in knots. I'm so nervous.
I don't know if I can do this...

April 7th, 2008

"The fact about fiction is that it’s always in your head." --valencia

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hate who i am
Dude, I'll start writing in this later...
I just realized how badly I need to play catch-up with my pillow.
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