![[info]](https://www.scribbld.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
After a lot of thought, I decided I don't think it's the right time to change my life so drastically. The day trip to the Poconos for job-hunting and apartment-hunting turned out to be a bust anyway. Misunderstandings and all that.
I've got a decent, steady job here, and I'm starting to find hope that I'll be able to make a life here and maybe find people to call friends. So I'm almost positive there won't be any drastic changes anytime soon. When my lease is up here at the end of June, I'm not staying in this apartment or apartment complex, but I'll stay in the general area for the sake of keeping my life together and sticking it out. Giving up this soon would be stupid; it's only been a few months.
On a completely unrelated note, it's been so long since I've seen my ex-fiance, heard his voice, or felt his touch that it feels like it was all a dream. I actually posed the question to myself last night, "Did that time with him really happen, or did you make him up?" It felt like a breach of contract with my insanity. I felt very distanced from reality. I really thought I snapped again.
Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a step towards forgetting how happy I was with him? Towards letting him go? Or maybe this is just the optimist in me trying to put a positive spin on how freaked I am that I can't remember what his voice sounds like or how it felt when his fingers grazed my lower back or that I can't recall his face without a picture. It gets kind of confusing to be an optimist who has a long history with mental illness, let me tell you.
I think I feel a late-night drive coming on...
I need to clear my head, and driving with music going late at night with no one on the road is the easiest way for me to get my head together. I need to get my ass in gear.
I've got a decent, steady job here, and I'm starting to find hope that I'll be able to make a life here and maybe find people to call friends. So I'm almost positive there won't be any drastic changes anytime soon. When my lease is up here at the end of June, I'm not staying in this apartment or apartment complex, but I'll stay in the general area for the sake of keeping my life together and sticking it out. Giving up this soon would be stupid; it's only been a few months.
On a completely unrelated note, it's been so long since I've seen my ex-fiance, heard his voice, or felt his touch that it feels like it was all a dream. I actually posed the question to myself last night, "Did that time with him really happen, or did you make him up?" It felt like a breach of contract with my insanity. I felt very distanced from reality. I really thought I snapped again.
Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it's a step towards forgetting how happy I was with him? Towards letting him go? Or maybe this is just the optimist in me trying to put a positive spin on how freaked I am that I can't remember what his voice sounds like or how it felt when his fingers grazed my lower back or that I can't recall his face without a picture. It gets kind of confusing to be an optimist who has a long history with mental illness, let me tell you.
I think I feel a late-night drive coming on...
I need to clear my head, and driving with music going late at night with no one on the road is the easiest way for me to get my head together. I need to get my ass in gear.
restless
It makes me wonder if our relationship was really all that important, though. I know it was, but... *sigh*
I'm sure you know what I mean.
I think I'd move on a lot faster if I could cry. For whatever reason I only cry when I'm in a crapload of physical pain, never emotional pain. Maybe I should just bash my head in a few times so I can cry and be done with him. Heh.
He's probably been the one person in this world who's impacted my life the most, which makes it difficult for me to understand how I can forget so much about him/us. I think if he walked up to me right now and asked me again to marry him and have kids with him, I'd say yes without a moment's hesitation...
I'd hope you wouldn't say yes. *fluffhugs* You deserve better than him.
No, I deserve him, and he deserves me. I just wish HE could see that.
That's no way to live, hon.
It helps to stop saying "But we'd be so good for each other." and all that. Even if it's true, it's just going to make your heart hurt more.