Rita's Report
Dearest readers, it is not often that I find reason to overlook the rumors of the Ministry halls for the flashy, Tattler-caliber drivel of Professional Quidditch. However, I assure you that though this week's topic of sensation has roots in the pitch, it is much tastier than you could ever imagine.

Months ago, a little blue book was published under the banner of "Flying Above the Standards" and while it is a scrumptious read, the book was universally ignored by critics and readers alike. Of course, this is of no surprise considering it hails from an industry that is not known for words of eloquence or even words of intelligence. Therefore, I suspect that you understand when I say how startled I was to receive a copy by owl that was sent directly to my desk at The Daily Prophet.

In actuality, this decadent morsel would have hit the bin had I not required reason to ignore yet another feature request from SNITCH headquarters. Only when I began to flip through the pages did I realize the potential of what was laid before me. I proceeded to read from cover to cover and my dears, oh! If you could see my dazzling notes, you would no longer be reading this column and dashing out to procure a copy of your own. My pen could hardly keep up as I soared through the pages of scandal, drama, and intrigue.

The book highlights the tales of a not-so fictional young witch caught in the snare of the harsh and misogynistic climate of the Quidditch pitch. I simply could not put the book down as I gasped, I wept, and I swore I would find the culprits who were responsible for this fiery woman's trials and tribulations. After all, dear readers, would you expect no less of me than to at the very least postulate as to the source of this juicy material? Oh, if only it were that easy and our little bird gave more clues!

I must beseech you to pick up your own copy and help me sort out the scintillating details of the life of a witch on the professional pitch: sexist team managers and recruitment, brutish (and at times, abusive) teammates, expectations of promiscuity and being the pin-up for the league, contracts that include pregnancy and abortion clauses, harsh penalties for speaking ill of the double standard for witches in the industry, and even accusations of breach of contract for falling in love. But oh, my dears! It does not end there. Whatever are we to think of the child birthed in secret that now lives unaware of their status as a bastard son of this horrendous industry? Do you judge this young mother who knew no better way to take care of her child than to give him away to a simple wizard of no social standing? How much are we to adore this heroine's one champion who followed her from team to team and continued to support her even as she happily married a wizard of some repute before bearing another child?

If only we knew the true names of the wizard folk to put to these stories. Think of the controversy it would bring to a league already wracked with deceit and gossip! Well, I must say, dear readers: I certainly would like to know who is the witch with the German tattoo!