Who am *I*?  

How would *I* describe *me*?

I guess the best place to start is with my description of myself. I willingly describe myself as bisexual. Now, mind you, I did not wake up one morning, and say to myself, "I think I'm going to want to fuck men AND women today." It was more along the lines of, I was having a conversation with a friend, who happened to be bisexual, and we were talking about, well, sex and women, and things like that. And the more I talked, the more she tried to not laugh at me. And the more she tried to not laugh at me, the more curious, confused, and frustrated I got. Finally, I asked her what was so damn funny. She asked me if I'd ever slept with another woman, or if I had ever had any type of sexual "thing" with another woman. I said no, that I was straight... Then she DID start laughing. Her words were "Honey, you're as bi as I am!" I thought about it for a while after that, and realized that she *might* be right. But, it wasn't for a while that I finally decided to classify myself as "bisexual." For a while, I was merely "bi-curious," until I started to think about what turned me on, sexually.

I also started thinking about what had turned me on in the past. This brought up old memories. Things that had turned me on in the past had been looking at the porn my ex-husband had. I didn't think there was anything odd or strange about that. I thought all women got turned on by looking at other women. I knew about lesbians and that, I just thought that all women were turned on by looking, but only lesbians *ACTED* on it.... oh, boy was I ever wrong. LOL But, thinking back past that, I remember being a little girl (I would have been younger than ten, because of where we lived when I remember doing this), and finding my brothers' stash of Playboys and that (well, I have to be honest and admit that I found my dad's, too!), and I would look at them, and I would be turned on by looking at women's bodies even as a young child.

Now, a bit of back story to that, I was sexually molested as a child, and, as a result, I guess I recognized the feelings of sexual arousal. I also began masturbating at a rather young age (I remember masturbating as young as 7 or 8, and I believe I'd been doing it for a while at that point). Now, I would look at these magazines, and then masturbate to relieve the feelings of arousal as young as 7 or 8.

Now, again to be honest, I have never found men to be physically arousing, at least not to look at. I love the feel of a man, the smell of an aroused man, and the way making love to a man feels. But, the sight of a man, even a fully aroused man, knowing that *I* am the reason he is fully aroused, does absolutely nothing for me. (I sometimes wonder if part of that is my exceedingly low self-esteem, telling me that even though he's *saying* I'm the reason he's aroused, I'm really not because I'm so *insert reason of the day here* and he's having to force himself to maintain it and have sex with me, even though he finds me utterly repulsive.)

I have often fantasized about sex with other women, and just the thought of even just one evening with another woman gets me highly aroused. It's a favorite fantasy of my husband's and mine... him getting to just sit back and watch as I make love to another woman. Unfortunately, the only time I've ever been with another woman, I was on the receiving end of everything, and didn't get the chance to return the favor, because I was so nervous about *being* with another woman. (that, and my then husband was in the room, and I knew he wanted to fuck her, too.... BIG mood killer). I want to be able to explore this side of my sexuality. I know it is there, I know it's a part of me. But, I also know that, being the mother of three children, and having my parents living in my basement makes it difficult to explore things like that.

I know that there is SO much more that I could write about this, and I do intend to. Especially if anyone who reads this expresses an interest. I just seem to have run out of steam for the night. Please, if you have managed to read this far, I beg of you to leave me some feedback. I'm not exactly confused about my sexuality, far from it at this point, and to be honest, the more I write here, the LESS confused I am, but I could use feedback to know that I really am not alone.
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Day Passes  
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The Insanity That is Me
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A Woman's attempt to Heal from abuse, part 1
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October 2008  

I'm a 30 year old bisexual wife and mom of three kids. I'm a survivor of rape, incest and domestic violence. I write because it's freeing. It's usually useless boring stuff about my boring life, but it's my therapy. I hold NOTHING back in my journals, so if you read this, you will know me, and my most intimate thoughts.

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