A little bit. What in the hell is going on with you and Rachel Englewood?

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She's my new assistant. I just hired her today. Remember her from school? She's proving to be a real asset to the staff, I'm so relieved, especially since we're so understaffed.

But! Enough about me. How are you feeling? I really do hope you're feeling better, Jen.

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What in the hell. I think I gathered that much but in the hell is going on with the flirting in her journal?

I'm fine really I am. Much better today, I promise. Went over to Stell's.

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I... I wasn't flirting? At least I don't think I did. I didn't?

Ohh, that's good, I'm so relieved. I hope Stell talked I hope she made things better, at least for the time being.

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Yes. You were. It's plain and it's obvious she was flirting with you too. And I've had...words with her already.

She did, for the time being. It's Stell she always helps.

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Err, I really don't think so? I mean, all I did was compliment her a great job well done today. I know my first day at Mungo's was nerve-wracking but she pulled it off flawlessly. I can't be proud of a friend for a job well done?

That's true, Stell always comes to the rescue.

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I don't know what I'd do without her.

[SMETH]

I know when you're flirting. Just. Don't. The comment from your previous entry is null and void. I'm back in the game. I had a conversation with Ms. Englewood. I was told that I have no claim to you. I'm going to change that.

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Neither would I!

[JEN] Jen... I. I honestly don't think I was flirting with Rachel, she's just a friend from school and now my employee. Besides, even if I wanted to, work relationships are strictly prohibited.

And well... sigh Jen, we're not in a relationship anymore. We agreed to be friends, remember? I told you that I don't feel like I'm ready for a relationship. [/JEN]

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Well, you were. You're not ready for a relationship but you're ready to flirt. And you're saying that if you two didn't work together you might be interested in a relationship?

You tell me one thing and do the other. Haven't I made myself clear enough? I guess you just don't think I'm telling the truth.

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Jen, I assure you that I'm not flirting and why should I have to reassure I don't even think of Rachel in that way, and I only threw that in, because well, I don't see her in that way!

Jen. I told you what I told you, stop I'm only acting with Rachel how I act with my other friends. Are you going to come and attack Agatha too, the next time she posts a friendly comment on my journal?

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I know Agatha. I know how Agatha acts. I do not know Rachel. Why am I acting like this? I was never jealous before. And you don't act like that with Aggie. And I wouldn't touch Aggie's journal with a 12 foot quill. I'm not stupid. She loves you like a brother and god damnit, I love you.

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Hate this, I hate this argh

Jen. What about the other girls I'll inevitably meet later on? That'll I'll become friends with? Now, I don't know what "words" you two have exchanged, but I pray that it wasn't on my behalf, though due to your response... I can't have hope for that.

Jen, I'll always care for you but, I can't say that I'm still in love with you. And I'm only saying that - NOT because I want to hurt you, far from it, I sincerely assure you - is because I don't want you to feel that I'm stringing you along.

Again, I'm deeply sorry. Jen, I just... I just can't do this. You were never jealous, so why now?

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sigh. No, you can't honestly hope for that. I wouldn't try and tell you differently. I generally don't lie. Just once. Never again. I'm trying to be fair and I'm trying to be patient but anytime I feel as if someone is getting attached to you or even remotely close to you...I just want to scream and bubble up and do all sorts of crazy things.

No -- I was never jealous in the past. Things change and so do people. Maybe I should've just stayed in Rome.

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Jen, I know it's hard, trying to make this friendship work. I mean, this is definitely irrelevant but - you did break my heart last year. Tore it up in tiny little pieces. And I just want... I just want us to be friends again. We were friends for 19 years, and I'd like for that to keep going.

But I do feel uncomfortable when you say that you'd want to attack someone that would like to be closer to me, even though I am quite sure that their intentions are completely professional and friendly.

Maybe I've changed. I don't know.

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*tear stains are across the writing on this*
And for as long as I can remember Smeth I've had a crush on you. I remember exactly when it happened and the smells...and I'm being silly but it was the sandbox behind my house when were five playing with trucks and I wanted to play house.

I don't know why I feel the way I feel. I can't explain it. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable but...I just don't hide feelings you know that.

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Jen... don't cry, PLEASE don't cry, I just...

Jen, I know you don't hide feelings from me, that's what I enjoy about you, you're so refreshingly candid.

But I just can't... Can't you understand?

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*tears for the rest of the entries*

I don't know if I can understand and I can't stop the tears now. I really can't. Everything is so...jumbled in my head. I feel like I'm losing half of my heart here. I was drunk when I went to Rome. I was drunk in Rome until I got kicked out. You say you forgive me but...I don't know.

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Jen, I do forgive you but - alright, I suppose that I can't forgive you for what you did. You left me a NOTE, Jen, you left me a note! And by the time I had tried to track you down, out of my mind with worry that it was foul play of some sort, you had already left with that...

I mean. I just. I can take only so much.

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I was drunk when I left. Alright? I was completely and utterly smashed. I was for almost the entire time I was in Rome. I was completely and utterly seduced by a well rehearsed, charming, porn star. Who got me so drunk I could barely walk and think. Everytime I would even remotely think of home he'd give me something to drink and I'd forget everything. The only reason why I left is because I wanted a job and I came back to find him cheating.

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Are you telling me that you were drunk the entirely time? Impossible, as I find that you're standing here without alcohol poisoning. If you were indeed drunk when you left me, the second you sobered up, you could have came home. I was so in love with you, I would have taken you back, no question.

But you didn't. Which means that subconsciously, you didn't want to come back. You could have resisted his drinks, Jen. He was a Muggle, he didn't pull a love potion on you.

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I was drunk or buzzed. It is not impossible. I've seen men drunk for days at a time. Just drinking enough to stay drunk but not get poisoning. Maybe I was scared to come back because I didn't know what to say to you. I didn't know how to say I was sorry. I...don't now Smeth.

Does the fact that I did finally come back count for nothing? That I'm trying to make things right? That after all this time and all this bullshit that I do still love you with all of my heart and soul?

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Jen, the fact that you came back means worlds to me. But the thing is, you can't pressure someone into a relationship, if the other party isn't feeling the same way. It's... I know I sound really harsh right now and I'm scared of what will happen to you if but Jen, I keep telling you I can't do, and what I feel comfortable doing, at least for now, and you keep telling me... otherwise.

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I...really didn't realize I was doing it. I'm sorry. I'm seem to be saying that a lot. It's just...the kisses, the cuddling, it all confused me. You tell me one thing and do the other. Baby. Please just tell me what to do. to win you back.

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I... I know, and I'm deeply sorry for sending out mixed signals. It's just... I knew you wanted us to work again, and I tried, I really tried but. Like I said, it's all on me.

I tried, Jen, I really did.

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I just don't know what to say anymore. I think I'm going to go lay down.

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