gypsy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] gypsy Dancing with Dragonflies Chasing the dragonfly, dancing with light, my eyes fixed on shimmering wings, my heart in flight. On the edge of a lily pad lands the dragonfly, tail like a blue thread loosened from the sky. And what is a butterfly, you ask? At best, he is but a caterpillar, finely dressed. A dragonfly captures the soul and mind, all this in only a moment of time. [ userinfo | scribbld userinfo ] [ calendar | scribbld calendar ]

fuck the fucking fuckers! (and, "I'm on speed!!") [Saturday, March 24th 2007] You know, this fucking bitch on the phone just ROYALLY pissed me off... I'm here on my day off, she's telling me that she wants me to fix it from the office when she has an appointment scheduled for a field tech to come out later today and I explained that if I could fix it from here I would. Then she says that she works for a software company and this is how they do things, blah, blah, blah and I said 'well, but you don't work for [this company] and I am trying to explain how things work here' and the fucking cuntrag says to me, "and I never would because I take pride in my work" so I said "GOODBYE!" and hung up on the bitch! Your ass can call back and wait on hold again! >;P I have an appointment next week for some bloodwork so I can switch meds. I was on Wellbutrin [anti-depressant/stimulant/pain management] and now I am going to try Adderall [amphetamine/stimulant/ADD]. I started taking the Wellbutrin because I was having severe chronic pain from endometriosis, and that drug elevates the chemicals in your body that help manage pain. It works well for the pain, but there is something else I noticed since I've been on it. I can focus better, I get more done, I don't feel like I'm being pulled in 20 different directions all the time that all need equal attention... well, I should say, I could do those things, but now it seems my body is getting used to the drug as things seem to be returning to the way they were before. I talked with my doctor who thought I may have ADD, so I took a test. In said test, if you score high on 20 or more of the 75 questions, it is highly likely that you have ADD... I scored high on 44 of the questions (!) So, yeah.. pretty sure I have ADD, and when I look back over my life, a lot of things make more sense. I'm very intelligent, but never did well in school.. report cards always said "not living up to her potential". I can't read maps or do math or put things together from instructions.. my mind literally goes completely blank at the prospect of such tasks. If you tell me, "take a left at the McDonalds and it's by the gas station" I can find a place, but a map, I'm immediately lost. I used to think, too, that it couldn't be ADD because I can focus for hours and hours while working on a web site, but apparently people with ADD can focus on things, (and can even be what they call 'hyper-focused') if it is something that interests them.. if not, it's hard to keep their attention. I also often find myself asking Andy or my friends to repeat themselves.. I am listening and it registers for a moment, and then I lose it... and I have to ask, 'what did you just say a few minutes ago?' I always thought that was a side-effect of the blood pressure meds, but apparently, it was ADD. Adderall is a stimulant, literally speed. It's actually pure amphetmine. People with ADD do well with stimulants because they help the brain focus on things that it normally wouldn't be able to or wouldn't care to (like work, school, lectures, etc.) I have noticed, as I've gotten older, that I do not care for depressants like alcohol, marijuana, pain meds, etc., anything that slows me down - but coffee, energy drinks, and other stimulants make me feel and do so much better in whatever it is that I'm doing that day. I would be a coffee fiend if it didn't bother my stomach so much! So, I think the Adderall will help quite a bit. I do have some cardiovascular issues, which the doctor said she will monitor closely while I'm on it.. so, yeah.. yay for drugs! LOL Hope everyone is having a good weekend :)

who do you think you are?? [Thursday, March 22nd 2007] I am so tired of your shit attitude all the time. I am tired of your dramatic outbursts and making mountains out of molehills. You have got to be the biggest drama queen I have ever met, and everyone tip-toes around you, afraid you'll explode. Not me. I am not intimidated by idiotic behavior, or people who have poor control over their emotions, themselves, and their lives. And furthermore?? I'm tired of calling you when you don't show up for work, worried, and you never even pick up the fucking phone or send me a message to let me know you (or whoever/whatever you are using as an excuse today) are ok.. I'm tired of the fits that you throw over every little thing and then, if I have a problem, you minimize and/or completely ignore it, patronizing me and acting like I'm overreacting. Oh, and by the way, FUCK YOU for saying that if I don't want people asking about or judging me based on my ethnic background I should just wear different make-up so no one will know.. HUH??? I've been asked shit like that since I was a little kid, so it ain't the make-up, sweetheart. And, HOW DARE YOU suggest I should "white-ify" myself so that I can fit in smoothly with everyone else instead of being sensitive to the fact that racism (of any type) is NOT ok, period. Why should I hide ME so other people can be comfortable?? Our friendship is quickly coming to an end.. you never come through on anything you say you will and I'm tired of being left holding the ball all the time. It's in your court now.. stop being so damned selfish and act like a real friend or I'm out of here. You're going to quit soon, anyway..

ramblings [Wednesday, March 21st 2007] So, I am here at work today making up some time. My headache went away but my TMJ is KILLING me. I think it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep. I am out of meds, too, so I will be making a trip to the pharmacy on the way home. It's completely dead at work today. As soon as husband gets off work, I'm going home. This place is trying to make me fat, I swear. Here I am, trying to eat healthier, exercise more, maybe lose a few pounds before the trip overseas, and every-fucking-day there are donuts, pastries, cinnamon rolls, nachos, a potluck... jesus, it's like an ambush.. "there will be no skinny people here, bwahahahaha - we'll make your butt so big you'll be stuck in your chair, and then you can never leave!!" I have been pretty good about the whole thing, but it's amazing the amount of crap people bring in here. You never see anybody passing out apples, or bringing in a vegetable tray.. but everyday there's big, pink boxes of heart-attack inducing, maple coated and chocolate sprinkled goodness taunting you, saying 'eat me.. you know you want to.. just one won't hurt' Most days I can ignore it, but some days they get the finger as I pass by LOL I'm really tired, which is why this entry basically sucks. I wanted to say, though, that I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last entry. I have nothing against Paganism, Wicca, Tarot Cards and the like, but I am against their constant association with my ethnicity. I want people to realize there's nothing magical about racism, forced sterilization, exclusion and oppression. There are real human rights issues to be addressed, but all I ever get asked is if I can tell someone their future. I can guarantee you this.. if Romanies could see the future, they sure as hell would've packed up and left before they were rounded up and exterminated in WW2.

it feels like I've been up for 18 hours already... [Tuesday, March 20th 2007] oh, wait.. that's because I have! It's a funny thing, boredom... here's some true-to-life Gyppo quotes I made up whilst sitting here watching 'The Pick of Destiny', (which, by the way, is absolutely as bad as anyone ever told you it was). 'Real Gypsies read books not palms' 'Sure, I've got balls.. they're not crystal, though' 'The only cards I ever buy say 'Hallmark' on the back' 'Gypsies.. they're not just for Halloween anymore!' 'From sub-human to Disney star in only 900 years!' Ok, I'm done. My husband is a very unlucky man. He not only got food-poisoning from some macadamia nut cookies he ate lastnight (and violently puked all night) but he had an allergic reaction to them and broke out into hives as well! Christ.. poor guy. He got them from work and another guy got sick as well, but no rash, so we're pretty sure that's what it was. I felt so bad for him. He's fine now, and the doctor said the rash will disappear in a few days, but we're both really tired from being up all night. I missed work so I could take care of him and drive him to the doctor, so I should probably go in tomorrow on my day off and make up the time.. something tells me I won't, though. It's that nagging headache threatening to become a raging migraine behind my eyes that disagrees.

prejudice in unexpected places [Monday, March 19th 2007] Yesterday, we went to a local Indian shop for incense, (my husband likes the Nag Champa and they have the best kind for pretty cheap) and there were, of course, several Indian (Middle-Eastern, not Native American) women in there with their kids. One of the women complimented me on my eyes, and asked if I was Muslim (I was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt) and I said no. She asked 'what' I was, to which I replied 'Romani', because it didn't occur to me to say anything else. I've never encountered any sort of prejudice from anyone about being Gypsy, (after all, I am an American, and to most Americans we're Disney characters and something to dress up as for Halloween).. anyway, I don't go around broadcasting my ethnicity, but when people ask (and they often do, especially foreign people) I tell them I'm Romani and they usually have no clue what that is and think it means I'm Italian or something, ('Rome', 'Romani', etc.) so it's often more than I really care to deal with, explaining that, yes, we exist and no, we're not magical, we can't see the future, we're regular people with regular lives just like anyone else. Anyway, this young woman, who was previously very friendly and helpful, instantly became suspicious and standoffish. She physically took a step backwards away from me after I said it. She had been chatting with us and playing with her son, and once I told her my ethnicity, she began to follow me around the store. Not that I planned on stealing anything, but it was very strange and it made me quite uncomfortable, I mean, I couldn't get away from her all of a sudden! I started to think, 'shit, I should have said something else', and then I thought, 'but, what?'. I'm obviously not a 'white girl', they could tell that right off, and I started to think what I could say in the future if I found myself in a situation where I felt the truth might be unwise. We made our purchases and left the store, and they watched us as we walked out to the Jeep. It was just.. odd. Now, there are places in the world where I would expect this sort of behavior, but I have to tell you, an Indian shop (since we originated in India, for christssakes) was not one of them. It never occured to me for one second to be dishonest or ashamed to admit the truth to this woman who had been so kind. My husband was really angry about her sudden change of mood towards me, but I was too stunned to be immediately offended. I quietly ran the situation over and over in my mind for most of the day, trying to find some other explanation for it, but there wasn't one. Obviously, to her, 'Gypsy' was synonymous with 'thief', someone who needed to be watched closely, someone who couldn't be trusted. I tried my best to maintain our friendly exchange after answering her, but it was like a door had slammed in my face. I remained courteous, smiled and thanked her as we left, hoping that maybe (if she'd never met a Gypsy before) I could show her that we are just like everyone else. I have no idea what they thought or said after we left the shop, but I hope I made some tiny dent in the flawed image she had of our race, and of me.

grr... *piss*moan*gripe* [Monday, March 19th 2007] Fuck me running with a stick up my ass... how many times do we need to go over THE SAME ISSUE??!!? My boss is driving me batty. We've been over and over and over this issue with me being out for my broken tooth (on January 11th, mind you, two fucking months ago), and yet here we are again, going over why I was late coming in that day. They are supposed to roll-back excused absences, so that they don't affect the employee's attendance record, and I brought my doctor's excuse in that day... then, she lost it. So, rather than admit that she's completely unorganized and has her head up her ass and misplaced it, she claims she 'never received it', and wants to mark me down for it. Luckily, I'm smart and HR also had a copy, so I emailed them, and they said they would give her another copy, (and CC'd her on the email they sent to me). So, she comes over again today, claiming to never have received an excuse for that day, and I just about lost it completely. I forwarded her (AGAIN) the email from HR and reminded her that we have discussed this more than once already, and would she please take care of it this time. On top of that, I asked her earlier this morning when I came in (at 7am) if I could take some time off tomorrow afternoon, as I have a non-medical appointment and needed to leave at 3pm (I get off at 6pm). She said no problem, put the time-off request in and she will approve it... then, she leaves without putting it through. I know tomorrow she's going to give me some shit about not being able to approve it and I am going to EXPLODE because if I can't go I will get charged if I cancel without 24 hours notice. I am so done with this job.

it's almost monday..? again...??? [Sunday, March 18th 2007] The weekend was less than spectacular, but it could have been worse, especially considering that on my way back from my Flamenco class on Saturday I took a wrong turn and ended up driving the wrong way down a one way street, with several cars coming at me. So, that was fun. No sign, indicating not to turn that way. I guess you're just supposed to know. Well, clearly I didn't, and had to pull up onto the curb amidst the honking and flashing of middle fingers and try to find a way to get turned the right direction without being hit by the very (understandably) uncooperative oncoming traffic. I hate downtown. Holy hell, if I can't even navigate my native city, how am I going to survive Europe?? On the bright side, we did a bit of shopping and the rest of the day was quite nice. Sunday was spent taking our daily hour long hike in the morning and doing laundry and the rearranging of furniture, and listing some of it on eBay. Speaking of which, anybody want to pay top dollar for a vintage organ? It's the 'this [insert item here] would better serve me as cash' campaign that husband and I have decided to embark upon. Not looking forward to work tomorrow, but it seems the most reliable way to grow my bank account.. at least until I can work out the whole 'independently wealthy' thing. Suggestions welcome..

euro-trip [Thursday, March 15th 2007] We are planning a trip to Europe (which likely won't happen until 2008)... the plan is to stay with the relatives for a few days and then travel. We'll be in England, Scotland, Ireland, Poland, France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Austria, and Spain. If we have time (and money, lol) we also want to try to visit Russia, Belarus, Italy and Portugal, but it will depend on the cost (and ease) of travel to and from those countries, and how much time we have left. We'll be there for just over a month :) I am probably not going to leave my job as previously planned. There has been some encouraging rumors circulating that certain folks will be leaving the contract soon, and if that happens it should solve a lot of the issues right there. I'm going to be bringing some of my personal effects back in as well, since apparently an empty desk in synonymous with a trash can in this place.. I came in this morning to find someone else's lunch trays and crap on my desk. That, and it's a bit boring over here with no pictures and stuff to stare at ;) I returned my SideKick3 to T-Mobile.. they didn't tell me when I purchased it that where we live there is nearly no coverage at all, and what little there is tends to be weak, which may work for a phone connection, but a data connection is usually the first thing to go. Nice of them to tell us that after the fact, but it's all straightened out now and the contract canceled. I'm still bummed, though.. I really wanted that phone :(

genetic minorities vs. visible minorities [Sunday, March 4th 2007] In addition to the more socially 'visible' minority groups in the United States, there are less socially visible racial and ethnic groups that tend to be smaller in population size, and lumped under or assumed to be part of the larger more socially recognizable groups. Few adults and children have any accurate knowledge about the Romani people. While for many the words "Roma" and "Romani" might be new, stereotypical images of Gypsies are rampant throughout the world. These include: dark earringed men, exotic women in colorful skirts, barefoot people dancing around campfires, caravans, violins, tambourines, palm reading, and crystal balls. Gypsies are perceived as carefree, romantic, and mysterious wanderers. They are also negatively stereotyped as thieves, child-stealers, and criminals. The word "Gypsy" comes from the Middle Ages. At the time, the darker-skinned Romani people were mistakenly thought to have come from Egypt. Thus, they were called "Egyptians", then "Gyptians," and eventually "Gypsies." While Gypsies are too often seen as anybody who follows a so-called Gypsy lifestyle (as presented in popular culture and literature), the designation "Romani" helps stress that the group is a genuine ethnic minority with its own culture, customs, history, and language. It is estimated that more than 12 million Romani live throughout the world. The European Romani population is estimated to be between 7 million and 8.5 million. Of this number, about 5 million live in Central and Eastern Europe. It is difficult to obtain accurate numbers of Romani populations, however, since many are not recorded in official census counts. In most countries, the Romani population is much larger than is generally known. Many people conceal their Romani identity-a cautionary tactic learned through centuries of persecution. Romani in North America have been called the hidden minority, because they remain largely invisible among the many ethnic groups. I am what I would call an 'invisible minority', which is to say that I am invisible to the ethnic perception of the white racial groups and are therefore treated as a 'white' person. This puts me in a category all by myself. No one is ever quite sure what to make of my ethnic identity and it is usually assumed to be anything from Italian to Native American to Persian to Greek, (something I usually don't correct, unless I know the person, as I've found that explaining that Gypsies are not only real, but also an actual ethnic group is lost on most and requires more energy than I care to expend on the casual onlooker). And, since most people classify ethnicity by skin color, (and mine is fairly pale,) I can choose to skate by as 'white' without much protest, should I ever decide that I needed to. There is also the fact that I live in the United States, which, while there is still racism here, it's a walk in the park compared to other parts of the world, particularly Eastern Europe (where I wouldn't be wise to reveal my actual ethnicity, as they're rather fond of beating, sterilizing and killing Gypsy women over there). In any case, for these reasons I wouldn't classify myself as a 'minority', even though that would technically be correct. While I don't necessarily take offense to people in my position who do use the term, I do find it to be somewhat ridiculous, because even though technically the word 'minority' means 'a group differing, esp. in race, religion, or ethnic background, from the majority of a population', I think the perception is that those who are minorities also have to contend with a considerable amount of racism, based solely on their physical appearance. As I have yet to find this to be true in my own personal experience, using such a 'charged' word seems to imply a lot more than simply that my heritage is not of Caucasian origin. On the flip side, however, I do take offense to being referred to as 'white', since ethnically I am not. My objection to that term is also out of respect for my darker-skinned ancestors, (something I don't have to go very far back to find, since my mother is darker-skinned and an obvious 'minority'). So, I suppose you could say that my feelings on this issue lie somewhere in the middle... I'm not 'white' and will never identify as 'white', (choosing 'Middle Eastern' on census forms when asked) but I don't consider myself a minority, in the Americanized sense of the word.

Gypsies and travelers have worse health than other vulnerable groups [Friday, March 2nd 2007] http://www.emaxhealth.com/24/9891.html "The findings showed that Gypsies and Travelers were significantly more likely to have a long term illness, problem, or disability that interfered with daily life or which limited their ability to work." The health of Gypsies and Travelers is significantly worse than that of other vulnerable groups, reveals research in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. It is not known how many Gypsies and Travelers there are in Britain, but estimates put the number at around 300,000. The researchers assessed the health of just under 300 Gypsies and Travelers of UK and Irish origin in five locations across England (Sheffield, Leicester, Norfolk, London, and Bristol). Using validated measures, this was compared with the health of people living in rural communities, or areas of deprivation, or ethnic minority communities, all of whom tend to have poorer health than average. The findings showed that Gypsies and Travelers were significantly more likely to have a long term illness, problem, or disability that interfered with daily life or which limited their ability to work. They were also more immobile, had greater problems maintaining their own health, and endured more pain and discomfort, anxiety and depression than people in the other groups. Their rates of diabetes, stroke and cancer were not higher. But the authors point out that often these diseases can be 'silent' and that any associated symptoms might not have been recognized. Gypsies and Travelers were also significantly more likely to have chest pain, respiratory problems, and arthritis. And they reported higher rates of miscarriage and premature death among their children. Policies to tackle health inequalities have clearly not been meeting the needs of Gypsies and Travelers, conclude the authors. A companion paper in the journal, which looked at Gypsies' and Travelers' health beliefs and experiences, found that ill health is seen as 'normal' and something that everyone has to bear.

Herdeljezi [Thursday, February 15th 2007] Yesterday, I spoke to Sani Rifati, the organizer for the annual Herdeljezi Festival in Sebastopol, CA. The info isn't posted to the website yet, but he informed me that the event will be held on Saturday, May 5th, 2007 downtown at Ive's Park. Herdeljezi is a traditional Romani (Gypsy) neighborhood celebration announcing the end of the cold indoor season and the beginning of the warmer season of movement and outdoor life. Survival from the winter and the seasonal renewal of life is celebrated at Herdeljezi through the sharing of music, dance, food and community.

this village has more than one idiot.. [Thursday, February 8th 2007] I swear to fucking god, the stupidity burns. As someone recently said, the idiot who generally calls for technical support is a special kind of idiot. Let me put it this way... if you don't know how to turn your computer on, if you don't know the difference between a USB and an ethernet cable, if you can't speak more than one sentence in English, if you've smoked crack (even a little bit) in the last 24 hours DO NOT CALL ME. I cannot help you. You are beyond help and should probably be shot, or at the very least bitch-slapped and relieved of the ownership of the computer. I especially love the idiots who think that self-install means 'call us and we'll spend an hour walking you through it'. No.. no, no, no, no, NO. If you want help with installation, you fucking pay someone to do it for you. You don't waste an hour of my time while asking stupid questions like 'is it the blue cord'? How in the bloody fucking hell should I know what color cord you bought?!?! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit??? Or the daily (at least) call saying 'I can't open MySpace'. Tough fucking shit, Sherlock, not my fucking problem... you're probably a 40 year old pervert cruising for teenage girls anyway, so it's probably a good thing that MySpace sucks ass and never works properly. Makes being a pedophile that much harder, doesn't it? Don't get me wrong, I like helping people, and I like my job.. but I can't for the life of me figure out why some of these people invested in a computer system to begin with. I mean, you don't see me going out and buying a fucking forklift, for christsakes.. because I can't fucking drive one. Jesus.. it's going to be a long day.

it must be awful to be so bitter [Tuesday, January 16th 2007] There are two things I learned about myself today... One, there is just no amount of medication that can make certain people tolerable, on either side of things, and Two, I must make quite a substantial impression on people if they can't move on, after months or even years have passed. I can only imagine how misunderstood these people must have been in high-school in order to be so foul as adults. Maybe it's in the water over there.. to whom it may concern, I've never had issues with you and I still don't {it's all a bit confusing}, even if you show so much hatred and dislike towards me. Why, anyways??! I never had a conversation with you in my life. I simply do NOT care and I'm not stepping to your level and start calling you names. I don't know you and you don't know me. And let's keep it that way.

little white pill [Monday, September 11th 2006] "I have to learn.. to... let.... you..... crash...... down." Fatigue overtakes me as I slip into my husband's dark brown Jimmi Hendrix t-shirt. Everyone's doing coke these days. I wonder at the abandon with which others consume a drug, while I agonize over mixing medications, timing, dosages, side effects. Twenty eight is too young to be adding another pill to my arsenal. I've been cut open, cut up, pieces removed. What good does it do to remove the organs if the disease stays? The pain stays, a most loyal and constant enemy. Paranoia sets in when I realize this isn't some narcotic meant to numb me into submission. This little white pill is fucking with my brain functions, making me forget to sleep, forget to eat, forget my disease. Knots in my stomach like tangles in unkept hair. Liquid dreaming. My eyes are heavy. I will be sleeping soon.

who needs dreams? [Monday, September 11th 2006] Some days, it seems impossible to get anything done. For example, an errand I needed to run today (which should have taken about an hour and a half) took the entire freaking day. I had to run some paperwork to my doctor's office (in another city) that certifies me officially broke enough to get a discount on my medication, since I already pay almost $100 a month for blood pressure and hormone drugs, and I can't afford another $100 for pain management drugs. I called earlier this morning to inquire if they would have enough time to look over the paperwork to enroll me if I brought it down to them today, and they said they would, but of course, when I got there they didn't have time to talk to me about it, and said they'd call when they could look at it. I was not happy, and insisted that I had called beforehand and that I do live almost an hour away, and after I was pushy enough, someone came out to talk with me. She said she'd let me know when my medication was ready to be picked up, and by the time she called me the pharmacy they'd been called into was closed. So, I guess I'll get them tomorrow. Grr.. I think I've been spoiled by the internet. You can do so many things online these days that when I actually have to drive across town for something and wade through traffic, stoplights, stupid drivers and the like, I get irritated. Especially when I have to drive through a town called 'Canby', where everyone is either Old, Really Old, Way Too Old or Almost Dead. The way they move and drive.. it's like they're in slow motion or something. I don't think they're even aware that automobiles actually go faster than 20 mph now. I'd flip them the bird if I thought they could see it. I had strange dreams lastnight. Not bad, just strange, as if I was in an alternate version of my life, one in which I'd made distinctly different choices, and ended up in a completely different place. But nothing felt quite right, and through the whole dream I felt like I was searching for something. I woke up missing Andy.. and quickly realized he was right next to me. Who needs dreams?

where did she go? [Tuesday, August 22nd 2006] I saw the doctor today.. he prescribed Wellbutrin XL (150 for the first week, then up to 300). I discussed several things with him, my having lost interest in a lot of things I used to love (writing, sex, web design, composing music on the piano).. it's not that I don't like those things anymore, but slowly over the past two years, I've just sort of fallen out of them. They require more energy than I have, which is another issue. I guess I assumed it was from the endo, but now I'm not so sure. I don't do social things anymore.. partly because I'm afraid I'll get sick or suddenly be hit with cramps (or both,) but after talking with my doctor and my husband (together, he came with me to the appointment,) I realize that I may actually be depressed. I'll try to explain how I 'missed' seeing that until now.. For the past two and a half years, I've been dealing with a stalker. In addition to the endo and physical health issues, my fear and stress over the stalker situation caused me to kind of hole myself up in my house for the first year. I was afraid to go out, and when I did I was constantly looking over my shoulder, scanning parking lots and checking under my car, etc.. always. This was magnified when I actually ran into the person who was harassing me, quite by accident on both of our parts I believe, but it still shook me. Since this began in early 2004, I haven't really been the same. I panic easier.. I trust much, much less. I don't find enjoyment in the things I used to, and I've been just sort of 'keeping on', waiting for it to be 'over'. I knew the situation was stressful, (the stalker appealed the restraining order violation conviction last year, and the appeal was heard in the courts last Friday ~ a decision is expected in a few weeks, but if the appeal goes through, I will lose the last layer of protection I have, and they will be free to come after me again) I guess I just didn't realize how much the stress was actually affecting me. I am a fighter. Confrontational. Opinionated. A loudmouth. A bitch. Call it what you will, but I don't (ever) go down without a fight, which is good, and I get things done, but this has essentially been almost three years of court dates, three years of paperwork, name changes, betrayals and constant stress. I kept telling myself it 'would be over' and then that changed to 'god, when will this be over?', further on down the line becoming 'I don't think this will ever be over'. As stupid as this sounds, until my doctor told me today, I didn't realize I was 'depressed'. Depressed to me meant suicidal, insecure, unable to feel a happy moment. I didn't feel any of those things.. frankly, I'm a bit of an ego-maniac most of the time ;) Realistically, though, when it was explained to me, I think I have been depressed, or at the very least, reaching the end of my rope, for some time now, and I know it must have an effect on my physical health problems as well. The doctor prescribed some anti-depressants for me to try, and I am actually kind of excited. I know there will probably be side-effects (nausea, insomnia, etc.,) but I've read a lot of really wonderful things about this drug, and heard a lot of people say it gave them back themselves, if that makes sense. I hope it will give me back the energy and zest I once had for the things I used to really enjoy. I want to write music again, I have several books I've been half-ass working on for years now.. it's time to take control of my situation, and if this will help, it's worth a shot. What's two weeks of upset tummies if it gives me back me? So, wish me luck.. it can also cause anxiety in the first week, so if I freak out or momentarily panic and 'unfriend' everyone, sure there's a 'spy' lurking somewhere in my friends list, please don't hate me, it's just the meds ;)

ignorance at it's finest [Wednesday, August 16th 2006] I already disliked 'Dr. Phil', but this is just over the top: http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/667/ According to the story, 'Amanda' (the young, rebellious daughter) has run off with her boyfriend (hmm, big surprise for a teenage girl, eh?) and his "band of gypsies". To further the idiocy, we have this quote,"Amanda's boyfriend and his family are gypsies. They live in a compound-type setting. They're called asphalt gypsies because they travel hot topping driveways and stuff, basically getting as much cash out of people as they can." Asphalt gypsies??!?? {*falls off chair*} Can't say I've ever heard of that Romani nation before. I'm glad to see that, with all that's going on in the world today, Dr. Phil could find the time to bash some Gypsies.. though, since we don't actually 'exist' to most people, I'm sure grateful for his taking the time to educate the masses. {*clutches hair*} I'd love to see a show where parents are furious that their daughter's run off with "a bunch of niggers". That would never fly, throwing the "N" word around on national televsion, but it's perfectly ok to slander Gypsies (we're a race, by the way, Dr. Phil, so the 'g' should be capitalized,) because White people, Asian people, Hispanic people and African-American people never steal, it's just us 'Gyppos'. When are people going to realize that crime, thievery, and dishonesty are human traits, not the traits of any particular race of people??

stealing the stolen [Monday, August 14th 2006] Recently, I received some nasty comments for using someone else's icon. I do graphic design stuff myself, and have built websites for private businesses, and done a bit of photography, etc, so it's not that I don't appreciate the sensitivity of this subject. That said.. I'll give you my views on most of the icons (aka, 'graphics') used on LiveJournal. First off, if you photographed the image yourself and/or generously manipulated it in photoshop, I can understand being offended when someone else just helps themselves to your work. This does not apply, however, to those who simply find an image on the web and 'make it tiny'. Reducing the size of someone else's image does not give you the right to claim it as your own, nor the right to ask for (oh, who am I kidding, demand) credit for it. Are these people serious? Do they have nothing better to do than troll LJ, looking for 'icon pilferers' and then berate them for their supposed 'thievery'? I'm so glad my life isn't that mundane.

migraines & dumb blond news anchors [Thursday, August 10th 2006] This past week has been no end of health problems. First my endo, then my back, and now a migraine. I stayed home from work yesterday and today to try to sleep it off. I can't take regular medications like Immitrex because of my high blood pressure and heart problems, so when I get a migraine my general treatment options are to curse a lot and sleep *lol* It's subsiding, however. They generally only last a few days. My husband is still alive, though yesterday when he flipped the very bright bathroom light on while I was soaking in the tub, I almost killed him. Today it is actually decent enough outside to turn the A/C off and open some windows. After two solid months of air conditioning in the car, at work and at home, I needed some un-conditioned air. I've never been one of those people who lives for the summer months. Hot weather is my mortal enemy.. well, hot weather and math ;) Lastnight on the news, they were running a story about how Robin Williams was here in Oregon for detox. He checked himself into some little clinic in eastern Oregon and has been there since mid-July. The reporter was all excited and I'm sitting there thinking, 1)this isn't news if he's been here for a month.. are you seriously proud that it took you that long to find out? and 2)there was no public announcement, no accident while driving drunk, no dramatic outcry about his situation.. he just quietly checked himself into a treatment program because he felt it was the right thing to do, and the news anchor is making stupid comments like, "I wonder why he would choose this hospital as opposed to all the others, this one is so remote and out of his way, blah, blah, blah" and I'm thinking, you dumb blond bimbo, the fact that this is a remote location is probably the reason he picked it.. he wants to be left alone! Grr.. I'm not usually 'up' on all the celebrity news, etc., nor do I really care to be, but this just pissed me off. Leave the guy alone. If he wanted to be on the evening news, he'd have cursed out a minority on national television like Mel Gibson. (Not that I'm taking sides on that one, either.. I like Mel, too). It's that look the reporters get on their faces when they're airing someone else's dirty laundry, like they're almost salivating. I'd like to go on there and talk about her private life, the last time she had sex with her husband, can he still get it up, how are the kids doing in school, etc.. I'm a relatively private person myself, so when I see this sort of thing it just drives me batty.

mondays suck.. [Monday, August 7th 2006] The weekend was.. okay. My parents randomly brought us a new bed (queen size, very comfy, and way nicer than our old one, considering husband found the top mattress next to the dumpster, and the bottom one was our old fouton mattress ~ and it's apparently important for me to point out that it was in fact 'next to' and not 'out of' the trash, because husband is very concerned about that distinction.. ;) Anyway, we've never had a real bed, so the new bed is great, a lot higher off the floor than the old one and that takes some getting used to. We've lived in our house for over a year and we're still not 'finished' with it, though I doubt we ever will be. So, that was nice.. Late lastnight, though (aka, early this morning) we heard the sound of an engine revving loudly in the church parking lot behind our house. There tends to be (or used to be before we moved here,) a lot of crime and break ins at the church, but I call the cops at the drop of a hat, because I voted for the extra money to be allocated to the local police force, and damnit, I'm going to make use of it! Anyway, I was already having trouble staying asleep for various reasons, and the sound of that asshole overcompensating for something in the next lot over drove me right out of bed and into my Jeep, where I proceeded to drive over to the church, pull into the lot with my brights on and rev my engine full-on, which scared him off. Ha! Bet he'd be ashamed to know he was chased off by a girl. Husband and I had a good laugh and I (finally) got some sleep. I am not known for being in the best of moods when someone wakes me up suddenly, and when it's something like this, I tend to lose it a bit. Gods help anyone who ever breaks into my house because I'd probably shoot 'em just for waking me up! Ugh, that sounds so white trash.. but it's probably true! Still having 'issues' today.. so that's fun. I may take a nice long lunch today. I usually don't take lunch, but I think I need a walk today. I've determined that, even when you actually like your job, Mondays still suck.

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