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where did she go?
I saw the doctor today.. he prescribed Wellbutrin XL (150 for the first week, then up to 300). I discussed several things with him, my having lost interest in a lot of things I used to love (writing, sex, web design, composing music on the piano).. it's not that I don't like those things anymore, but slowly over the past two years, I've just sort of fallen out of them. They require more energy than I have, which is another issue. I guess I assumed it was from the endo, but now I'm not so sure. I don't do social things anymore.. partly because I'm afraid I'll get sick or suddenly be hit with cramps (or both,) but after talking with my doctor and my husband (together, he came with me to the appointment,) I realize that I may actually be depressed. I'll try to explain how I 'missed' seeing that until now..

For the past two and a half years, I've been dealing with a stalker. In addition to the endo and physical health issues, my fear and stress over the stalker situation caused me to kind of hole myself up in my house for the first year. I was afraid to go out, and when I did I was constantly looking over my shoulder, scanning parking lots and checking under my car, etc.. always. This was magnified when I actually ran into the person who was harassing me, quite by accident on both of our parts I believe, but it still shook me. Since this began in early 2004, I haven't really been the same. I panic easier.. I trust much, much less. I don't find enjoyment in the things I used to, and I've been just sort of 'keeping on', waiting for it to be 'over'. I knew the situation was stressful, (the stalker appealed the restraining order violation conviction last year, and the appeal was heard in the courts last Friday ~ a decision is expected in a few weeks, but if the appeal goes through, I will lose the last layer of protection I have, and they will be free to come after me again) I guess I just didn't realize how much the stress was actually affecting me.

I am a fighter. Confrontational. Opinionated. A loudmouth. A bitch. Call it what you will, but I don't (ever) go down without a fight, which is good, and I get things done, but this has essentially been almost three years of court dates, three years of paperwork, name changes, betrayals and constant stress. I kept telling myself it 'would be over' and then that changed to 'god, when will this be over?', further on down the line becoming 'I don't think this will ever be over'. As stupid as this sounds, until my doctor told me today, I didn't realize I was 'depressed'. Depressed to me meant suicidal, insecure, unable to feel a happy moment. I didn't feel any of those things.. frankly, I'm a bit of an ego-maniac most of the time ;) Realistically, though, when it was explained to me, I think I have been depressed, or at the very least, reaching the end of my rope, for some time now, and I know it must have an effect on my physical health problems as well.

The doctor prescribed some anti-depressants for me to try, and I am actually kind of excited. I know there will probably be side-effects (nausea, insomnia, etc.,) but I've read a lot of really wonderful things about this drug, and heard a lot of people say it gave them back themselves, if that makes sense. I hope it will give me back the energy and zest I once had for the things I used to really enjoy. I want to write music again, I have several books I've been half-ass working on for years now.. it's time to take control of my situation, and if this will help, it's worth a shot. What's two weeks of upset tummies if it gives me back me?

So, wish me luck.. it can also cause anxiety in the first week, so if I freak out or momentarily panic and 'unfriend' everyone, sure there's a 'spy' lurking somewhere in my friends list, please don't hate me, it's just the meds ;)