Oh, you see that skin?
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made.
i just discovered this song today...it's so sad & beautiful.
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you it's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking, it's the voice of someone else
Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late.

listening to:: james morrison.

oh, it looks like rain tonight. and thank God, cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.
^the only rain lyric I could think of.

I'd actually welcome clear skies right now! It's been raining/storming/monsooning off and on ever since about 8PM last night. My mom woke up my sister and I at about 4am because the storms were so bad, we came downstairs for about 30 mins then went back to bed, haha.

My mom, sister & I were supposed to go get our nails done today, but it didn't happen because of the storms. My mom's gonna take me tomorrow morning before I leave for San Antonio, my sister was just coming along for the ride, didn't want anything done, haha.

This rain makes me sleepyyyyyy. But I gotta pack and work some more on finishing school. Diploma, where art thou?

feeling:: sleepy

i was born in the south, sometimes i have a big mouth.
If you guessed by my subject line that I'm watching Cars, you win a cookie.

Just got home from a graduation + graduation afterparty, it was tons of fun. My friend's house that it was at happens to be Mexican (as am I, well half anyways) and her parents made AMAZING food. Ugh.

And yet i'm sitting at home now, eating Cheez Its and Hershey's Kisses. Hehe. I'm a bottomless pit.

2 days till San Antonio! Aaaah, so excited.

feeling:: happy

guess you better go and get your armor.
Today's been a lazyish day, but much needed. It's crazy how long you can sleep and STILL be tired! Did some science homework though, getting closer & closer to getting my diploma! :) i'm using the Stratford High Online program, and I only have two subjects left - 6 tests. Science and English. Science is eh, but I love English, it's my favorite. So i'm hoping to get it finished quickly! Since I have to get the books in the mail though, it'll probably be mid-late July before I 'officially' graduate. Ready to have it doneeee.

Right now I'm chilling with my sister, watching MTV waiting to see Jordin Sparks' new video for Battlefield. I love her, can't wait for her album.

feeling:: optimistic

i'm out on the edge of forever, ready to run.
South Texas? Is HOT! And the mosquitoes, gross. But I'm having a great time, I love my family! My cousin's graduation was great. Lots of laughs and tears and fun. We're doing it, we're actually growing up. It's scary yet a blast....like a rollercoaster. :)

Last night we chilled out at my aunt's house, eating pizza & talking, laughing til late. So much fun. Now i'm at the hospital with my grandma & some more family. My grandma's 84, and had been very sick, almost dying several times but she's doing a lot better now. Where she's at now is a rehab hospital, she does therapy everyday, and is doing well.

From where i'm sitting, outside her big window in the hospital room is a fitness center with a waterpark, palm trees, etc. Being here in almost 100 degree weather & watching that is torture! Haha. But only members can use it. Less than a week though and I'll be in San Antonio at a waterpark. I'm so excited! I looked it up on the internet and they have like, 'beaches' with sand, palm trees and everything. I'm super pumped for that, even if it's a fake beach, it's still a beach. I live at least 6 hours from the nearest beach and have been DYING to go! I'll definitely be posting pictures when I get back.

feeling:: relaxed

you're the getaway car, you're the line in the sand when I go too far.
Sometimes deja vu sucks. Funny how a few tables, tablecloths and votive candles can turn the clock back three months. Bam, there I am, Cinderella at the ball (except in.a stunning red dress, not a pastel blue one), with the 'Prince Charming' who's acting anything but. Enough with the poetic vagueness, okay so my church started this women's ministry called Girlfriends Unlimited right? Tonight was the kickoff night, and they had tables, with black tablecloths & votive candles set up in this big all-purpose room we call the Great Hall. There'll be like book clubs, movie clubs, cooking, fitness, etc. Anyways, my sister & a friend of mine worked childcare.

The flashback/deja vu i'm referring to? Valentine's Day. They had a couple's banquet, and it was murder mystery themed. Decorations included black tablecloths, votive candles. I was one of the actresses, and my semi-ex, Austin, was one of the actors. We'd been talking since July of last year & both realized we liked eachother last fall....trouble was, he didn't do anything about it! Never asked me out, never tried to get to know my parents. I'm of the mindset that if you get me, you get my family. Nope, he RAN from them, like literally. This wasn't just some fluff deal, either. We'd talked about future, as in marriage, kids, etc. We had a lot in common, wanting to go into ministry & saw how we could benefit eachother. He was a sweet talker, telling me I was beautiful, among other things.

Anyways, so things had progressed to a point that i'm thinking 'okay, it's now or never, freakin ask me out already!'. He claimed he wouldn't ask me on V-day as it was 'so cliché'. I myself happen to like a little clichéness. Longggggg story short, February 14th of this year was a disaster. I got him cute little gifts, stuff relating to us & inside jokes we had....I received? Nada. They had the place covered in vases of red roses. As we were helping clean up, I casually dropped the hint that I loved red roses. A romantic, cute thing to do would have been to grab one, give it to me. Nope. The last straw, however, would be when the entire 'cast' of actors decided to go out to eat, and the girls that did childcare that night who flirted incessantly with him, and he with them, he invited to go with us. Even after pulling them aside and saying that I kinda wanted it to be special, and without tagalongs, he brushed it off. One of the girls proceeded to hang all over him, wearing his jacket. I was infuriated, wanted to talk to him at the restaurant, but he left. We got into a heated text argument afterwards, as he wouldn't answer his phone, and 'broke up'. I learned a lot of hard lessons, some which I've had to learn & re-learn again & again. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still care about him. He's the type of person that you want to shake because they have so much potential but waste it. We settled things a couple weeks after Valentine's, I told him I forgave him for hurting me, etc. He was defensive at first but then said the reason he acted that way among other things (becoming extremely close to me to then ignore me or say hurtful things) was to my benefit. I was better off without him, and now I could be better, because he wasn't in my life. I didn't believe him for awhile, but realized not long ago that it all makes a twisted sort of sense. He's the type of guy that comes off as cocky, thinks they're God's gift to women & basically everyone. But inside is that scared that doesn't think he's worthy of anything, much less someone else's love. That's what makes me sad, is I saw the vulnerable side, a couple times. It was brief, but sometimes it would show through the cocky exterior.

I wanted to 'save' him, show him he was worthy of love and that I could give that. But that's not how it worked. It's like he was drowning, I jumped in to try and save him and we both got swept away. Bad for both.

I'm stronger than I ever have been for having gone through this, and we're civil now, even laugh & joke sometimes. It's not the same though. Sometimes I wish i'd never told him I liked him (it came out accidently, haha) because our friendship is what I miss most. Everything happens for a reason though, i'm a firm believer in that.

Maybe someday....when we're on the same road, headed towards the same goals. When we've grown up and it's not all about 'me, me, me.' When we remember the seven months that it was the city girl and the country boy, ready to take on the world. Maybe someday it'll work.

So yeah....deja vu sucks.

feeling:: contemplative

there's a place that I know that nobody knows, where the rivers flow. and i call it home.
Relaxed but good day. Did some chores, ate some Subway, talked to both my best friend (who moved away) and one of my other best friends/big sister by heart, my youth pastor's wife Erin, on the phone. Went to Walmart & Target with the familia, bought a really cute Mexican looking top for next weekend's senior trip to San Antonio. I'm so excited! We're eating at Rainforest Cafe on Friday night, then going to SeaWorld and a waterpark on Saturday. Now i'm heading to dinner now. The perks of a BlackBerry! ;)

This weekend we're heading to Houston for my cousin's graduation. We're 9 weeks apart, I'm older although smaller! :) very excited about that. I can't believe we're 18! It's insane. I've gotta get my school stuff finished, but life has been so hectic and all I've wanted to do when I've been home is sleep or relax. Gotta be a grown up though and be disciplined. Sigh. :[

feeling:: happy

That that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.
I was right. Today was definitely better than yesterday! Kels and I helped clean the church with our Spanish pastor's wife, Elizabeth who is also the cleaning lady. Who knew cleaning could be so fun? I laughed so much, much needed. Plus, she bought us Starbucks. :D Starbucks heals all, yo.

Had a blast tonight with my youth group people. I have the best & funniest friends in the world!

Speaking of funny: so my sort-of ex? Totally not over me. Which is totally obvious to everyone but me. But he is a very long story, that I'll save for another post. :)

All in all, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Loving life again. It has its struggles but through them, i'm strengthened & made better for it all. Just gotta keep my head up!

feeling:: cheerful

The real me is a Southern girl with her Levi's on and an open heart.
How about a non-emoish sounding post, eh? Blame my weird hormones for that first one. So let's see...Katie, 18, born & raised in Texas. The basics. I'm a Christian, and I'd like to consider myself pretty devoted. I want to be a youth pastor when I'm older. Music is a necessity. As are movies and food. I'm exactly five foot nothing, but make up for it in personality, and sometimes volume. I've been compared to a chihuahua before, 'little but loud', haha. I have three younger siblings, Kelsey's 15 (my best friend in the world), Kassie's 12 (the artist in the family, she's also eccentric and stubborn at times but we love her) and Kyle's 9 (I call him my 'homie', we've been close ever since he was born). I have awesome parents. My family is the best. As are my friends! I love inside jokes and have a ton of them. My BlackBerry is my baby. Speaking of, I'm single. No boyfriend, no problems. Haha, just kidding. I'm single by choice, but keeping my options open. I'm not a casual dating type girl. But I do fall hard, which stinks. Total. Hopeless. Romantic. Believing I'll find my own personal Kris Allen someday! :) I'm only partially kidding. I love writing, usually just random ramblings that people consider genius (definitely a gift from God), but I've been thinking of trying my hand at poetry sometime soon. I've been homeschooled my entire life, and the pros outweigh the cons for me. Free time is awesome. I'll end this by saying if you've ever seen Grey's Anatomy and the character Izzie Stevens? You've seen me. Except, not blonde and tall and all that. The eternal optimist. 'The one who oughta give up, but she's just too hard-headed', like a Reba McEntire song says.....yep, that's me.

listening to:: wish I could save the world, like I was Supergirl.

These lyrics are why I love him.
She looks up in the sky and wonders what she knows. She is on her way, on her way to make it all make sense.

Today's been a weird day. I'm moody, for obvious reasons that come once a month. I've had times where i've felt like crying, and maybe I should cry. I need to officially graduate. I need to have some discipline and finish my schoolwork. I need to look into what to do to prep for college. I need to go driving. I need to get my license. I need to clean my room, wash my sheets, do laundry. I need to take a shower, wash my hair. I need to do chores. I need to figure out what to teach in Jr. High and on a Wednesday night this month. I need to know WHEN i'm teaching, and if there's a theme! And i'm tired. Sometimes, I feel ready to take on the world, to accept my young adult status and grow up.

Today? I do not. I want to be lazy, watch TV and not do anything.

Tomorrow? Will be better.

feeling:: eh.

story of a girl
June 2009