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mildly_absurd ([info]mildly_absurd) wrote,
@ 2008-05-10 01:23:00

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Current mood: numb

Where to go?
I don't know which direction to turn, its my own stupidity that has led me this far and I can't stop looking to it for directions even though it never knows which way its going. I don't know what I am waiting for, I always feel I am waiting for someone or something to pick me up and push me in the right direction. I know this isn't going to happen, but I can't get rid of my hope that it will come. I have no friends to turn too, no place to go, sometimes I just want to give it all up, but I have nothing to give up except everything and I refuse to push it that far. I don't have a enough of a self desctucive personality for such things. I just wish I could be strong enough to change myself. I don't want to quit my addictions because I like them, but I don't want to be consumed by them, I just want live and be happy, how can I do both I feel like I have to give up one for the other, live now, doing what is needed to do make the future bright and happy. But I don't want to be just a happy old person, I want to be happy now. This is stupid to say, I can be happy and live but for some reason I just can't get myself to do the living part. How do I change? Can someone come into my life and give me a good slap?! I just want something to turn to, something I won't feel bad useing, something I don't feel as though I owe it....or them. Where is my kinght it shiny armor to rescue me from this rut I have gotten myself stuck in? The wheel is still spinning but I'm not going anywhere fast....
God I feel so alone...

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