[icon] I've gotta bust you out of here somehow...
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Time:12:56 am
I suppose I could blame the way I feel on the music I listen to and the books I choose to read.
But the honest truth is, this has been a part of me since day one. I felt it on my heart when I was just five years old, just as strongly as I feel it today. My heart is heavier than most. I am not manic depressive or suicidal by any means, but I do feel things far more deeply than others and sometimes that weight will render me useless for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. And listening to Ryan Adams and Damien Rice doesn't increase my pain, it makes me feel understood. It sounds silly, I know, but for me the power of music rests in its ability to reach inside and touch the places where the deepest cuts lie.


I think I found out what's wrong with me. It's just a self-diagnosis, but this describes me to a T.
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Time:09:40 pm
I pretty much fail at updating this thing.

I cannot believe how drastically my life has changed for the better in just one short month.
I got hired to be Physio-Neuro Therapist, so I basically spend my afternoons doing brain training activities with kids who have Autism/Dyslexia/ADD. I get paid WAY more than I did at Starbucks, the hours are regular, and it's just...great. I love it.
The guy I've been in love with off and on for five years has finally started acting like he might be interested in me. Finally - right when I'd decided once and for all to not think of him as more than a friend. But such is life, right? I'm not going to waste my time mooning over him though. I'm more than ok just being his friend. But, if he were to decide he felt anything for me beyond friendship, I would not complain haha.

I couldn't sleep last night, and at about 3:30am I gathered all memorabilia from previous relationships and I got rid of it all.
I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Holding on to those things wasn't good for me.
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Time:10:55 pm
I have this feeling in my heart, more of an intense desire, really. I guess it stems from the fact that so many of my friends are now either engaged, married, or in serious relationships that are going to lead to an engagement very soon.
I just really want to belong with someone. I just want to find my one.
I'm so tired of meaningless relationships. I'm tired of dead-end everythings.

I just want my forever.
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Time:02:07 am
There's this guy who occasionally comes into the Starbucks I work at. Before today, I'd seen him about three times, and each time he stares at me and smiles a lot.
Today he came into the store and was standing in a fairly long line waiting to pay....the second I made eye contact with him, he smiled and I felt myself start to blush. Which was bad, because it had to have been pretty obvious to him that I think he's cute. And while he was standing in this long line, every time I looked up to call the next customer to my register, I saw him peering around them at me and smiling. So, once he got his drink he went and sat down and studied. A while later I was sent to clean the lobby...the entire time I could feel his eyes on me. I glanced over at him once and we locked eyes, then he suddenly looked down and smiled.  Then we had a customer come in from the Chinese place next door, and he gave us a bunch of fortune cookies. Mine read "your luck has been completely changed today". A few minutes later I was in the back room talking to my friend/coworker about the cute guy making me blush, and she informed me that he is her neighbor. And she decided that she is going to talk to him about me next time he goes over to her house. Not that I believe in fortunes AT ALL, but this was a huge coincidence that made me smile.
After I got off work I was sitting around waiting for my friend to get there so we could go hang out. Cute guy was still there, and he had been joined by a friend. I sat at a table near them, but I couldn't see cute boy, only his friend. His friend kept glancing over at me, and at one point stood up and started walking over to me, but cute boy called him back and so his friend sat back down.

So, I don't know.
I can't tell if he's interested at all, or if he just likes making me blush.

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Time:11:32 am
I'm feeling very out of sorts lately.
Last night I went to Starbucks and read East Of Eden and wrote in my journal while I waited for Sera to take her break so we could hang out. I love being in there when I don't have to work. The regular customers come in and I actually get to have conversations with them. I get to actually sit and enjoy my drink instead of rushing to get back to work.
Anyway, while I was sitting there writing in my journal, I realized something. I am more afraid of getting hurt in a relationship again than I thought I was. I mean, I don't give guys a chance to get close to me.
For example, a few summers ago I met a perfectly nice guy through some friends. He was attractive, a few years older, and he and I really hit it off. He got my number from our mutual friends, called me....and I blew him off. I had no reason to do so, I was single (I almost always am), and he would have made a pretty great boyfriend. But my fear got in the way and I blew him off, and I hurt his feelings. I still feel guilty about that a year and a half later.
I think my problem is that I expect the relationship to end badly from the start, so I just don't even bother.

I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew how to just give someone a chance to get close to me.

People always say you shouldn't let fear get in the way of you achieving your goals.
But I've let fear run my life.
I mean, what do I have to show for myself?
I'm twenty years old, I stopped going to college, I work at Starbucks, and I have had no significant relationship for the past two years.
I am so afraid of failure and hurt that I've let my life come to a complete standstill.

I just want to do something that will make someone proud of me.
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Time:03:36 pm
I've been wanting to write how I feel for a long time. I've been
blocked. SO blocked. It's not that I can't write, I just can't capture
what I feel.

Weird things make me cry lately. Last night I
watched A Walk To Remember, and bawled. Literally. SOBBED. The entire
movie...and I don't cry in movies. I read Catcher in the Rye this
afternoon (which is my fall back activity when i have nothing else to
do), and I feel so much like Holden. And I started to cry. I love him,
and I love that growing up hurts him in the way that it does. I love
that he feels that. So I cried. Because growing up hurts. And I feel
blind. Then I went to Starbucks, and I saw a father tying his
little girl's shoes, and that's when I really felt it...that's when I
really felt my heart ache. My eyes just filled with tears. I think
that it was just that one gesture of so much love. It was the way he
tied her shoe, and the way he held her hand when they left. It was the
most innocent, beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I don't know
what has happened, but over the past few weeks my heart has softened
in a way that I don't know how to write about.
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Current Music:Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration
Time:12:11 am
Current Mood:[mood icon] blah
I do not want to be all alone.
Other people have a profound effect on me. Beautiful, smart, funny
people make me insecure. It's not that I think I am not good enough. I
know that I am who I am, and I like that person- but I like that
person when I am alone. But then- in walks that girl. The blonde, tan,
skinny one, and then all of my confidence begins to fade. I think that
I am afraid that I will always be second to the beautiful girl that is
in the same room with me.

At the end of the day (or week, or month, or breakup, or conversation,
or song, or movie, or anything), it's hard to move past my own
feelings of exhaustion.

I can not detect sarcasm. All of my conversations are so literal. Life
is good. And bad. And really weird. At this exact moment- it's just

It's getting crazy, darling. My mind keeps telling me You're going to
lose all of your friends if you let a single detail escape from your
mouth. Don't hate him if you don't want to. Be kind.

It's so strange. I am so sick of human interactions. I am sick of
people who are trying to charm their way into my heart, and I am sick
of forgiving them. I just don't think that I'm built for this. But at
the same time...I am craving it. Not manipulation- but real
conversations. The last time I felt my heart aching, because I was
loving speaking from my mind, was in January. That was so long ago.
Ever sense then- I have been censored. I live in the most impersonal
city on the planet. With it's banks, and gyms, and sprawling houses- I
am sick of everyone trying to top their neighbors with things. I hate
this city- I want to leave. But I do love a few people who live within a forty mile
radius. That's good enough, I guess. The thing is...little things
matter to me. Hugs, and conversations, and smiles...they matter to me.
And they have been so cheapened. I want to go back to a year
ago- when I knew what I wanted. I am second guessing myself- and I am
afraid that I am going to lose myself again.

Bravo to me. I learned how to love. But it hurts.

Sometimes I want to eat words. They get stuck in my throat.
I still carry a quiet desperation, unmarked, unnamed. Maybe it says,
"love me." Or, "understand what I'm trying to say here!" Or maybe it's
the longing for completeness, resolution of all things, parts being
made full. Yearning for actual rest that isn't just a way to cope with
the lump in my throat.
I hate you for being you at times.
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[icon] I've gotta bust you out of here somehow...
View:Recent Entries.
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You're looking at the latest 7 entries.