I've gotta bust you out of here somehow...

Current Music:	Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration
Time:	12:11 am
Current Mood:	blah

I do not want to be all alone.
Other people have a profound effect on me. Beautiful, smart, funny
people make me insecure. It's not that I think I am not good enough. I
know that I am who I am, and I like that person- but I like that
person when I am alone. But then- in walks that girl. The blonde, tan,
skinny one, and then all of my confidence begins to fade. I think that
I am afraid that I will always be second to the beautiful girl that is
in the same room with me.

At the end of the day (or week, or month, or breakup, or conversation,
or song, or movie, or anything), it's hard to move past my own
feelings of exhaustion.

I can not detect sarcasm. All of my conversations are so literal. Life
is good. And bad. And really weird. At this exact moment- it's just
weird.

It's getting crazy, darling. My mind keeps telling me You're going to
lose all of your friends if you let a single detail escape from your
mouth. Don't hate him if you don't want to. Be kind.

It's so strange. I am so sick of human interactions. I am sick of
people who are trying to charm their way into my heart, and I am sick
of forgiving them. I just don't think that I'm built for this. But at
the same time...I am craving it. Not manipulation- but real
conversations. The last time I felt my heart aching, because I was
loving speaking from my mind, was in January. That was so long ago.
Ever sense then- I have been censored. I live in the most impersonal
city on the planet. With it's banks, and gyms, and sprawling houses- I
am sick of everyone trying to top their neighbors with things. I hate
this city- I want to leave. But I do love a few people who live within a forty mile
radius. That's good enough, I guess. The thing is...little things
matter to me. Hugs, and conversations, and smiles...they matter to me.
And they have been so cheapened. I want to go back to a year
ago- when I knew what I wanted. I am second guessing myself- and I am
afraid that I am going to lose myself again.

Bravo to me. I learned how to love. But it hurts.

Sometimes I want to eat words. They get stuck in my throat.
I still carry a quiet desperation, unmarked, unnamed. Maybe it says,
"love me." Or, "understand what I'm trying to say here!" Or maybe it's
the longing for completeness, resolution of all things, parts being
made full. Yearning for actual rest that isn't just a way to cope with
the lump in my throat.
I hate you for being you at times.

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Time:

03:36 pm

I've been wanting to write how I feel for a long time. I've been
blocked. SO blocked. It's not that I can't write, I just can't capture
what I feel.

Weird things make me cry lately. Last night I
watched A Walk To Remember, and bawled. Literally. SOBBED. The entire
movie...and I don't cry in movies. I read Catcher in the Rye this
afternoon (which is my fall back activity when i have nothing else to
do), and I feel so much like Holden. And I started to cry. I love him,
and I love that growing up hurts him in the way that it does. I love
that he feels that. So I cried. Because growing up hurts. And I feel
blind. Then I went to Starbucks, and I saw a father tying his
little girl's shoes, and that's when I really felt it...that's when I
really felt my heart ache. My eyes just filled with tears. I think
that it was just that one gesture of so much love. It was the way he
tied her shoe, and the way he held her hand when they left. It was the
most innocent, beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I don't know
what has happened, but over the past few weeks my heart has softened
in a way that I don't know how to write about.

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January 16th, 2008

January 16th, 2008