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February 18th, 2009

08:25 pm - When Will It End? I am becoming an blubbering, emotional, wreck. I cried off and on for four hours today, starting on my bus ride home from school. I haven't cried in like 3 years and yet here I am, doing cry and break down reports every other week. What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you what, I'm a miserable, pathetic, stressed out person who thought her smarts would get her through college, but certainly won't. It doesn't matter how smart I am--if they keep piling 300 pages a week on me, on top of preparing for finals, papers, and all that crap, I'm seriously going to--I can't handle this. Last night I started crying because James wouldn't pick up his god damn phone, and didn't even call back from the message I left after being able to pick up the phone. I was so worried about him. I had nightmares that he had died. And all day I've been doing nothing but freaking reading. What's the point of being in a huge city where you can "experience life!" When this "life" forces me to stay home and do homework for 8 hours daily? But I still typed up a paper will crying, because everyone tells me how fucking important college is. You don't have a chance of having a decent life if you going to fucking college! Asian Lisa told me last night that Ruth said "Roxanne is starving for human interaction." At first I was really offended to hear that. Lisa asked me if it was true, but I didn't want to answer her, and just said I'm going crazy. But deep down, I know it's true. Aside from when Heather and the others were over, I hadn't been around others nearly that much. Ever. It felt good coming home on Monday, because I knew Heather would be there to greet me, happy to see me come home. I didn't have that today, and It really depressed me. But depression is a taboo emotion to feel. If someone hears you are depressed, they will avoid you like the plague. No no, it's better to be angry. Always angry. Until it eventually eats you up inside and start bawling midday on a public bus, with the man sitting next to you sitting uncomfortably, praying another seat opens up so he can move away from snot-nosed, insane girl. If I didn't have this overwhelming feeling, would I have daily thoughts about getting hit by a car or getting mugged and shot, and if it were a better alternative to showing up for school? Maybe not. And yet, quitting school isn't a possibility because I don't want to be part of the percentage who drops out of college by Freshman year, or knowing just how disappointed my mom would be, even though she says that I go to school to have a good life, not going to school for her (but it really is for her). How can people say college time is the best if life? Everyday I feel so beat down and dejected. Even know I beat myself up for writing this rather than doing more reading. I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do. I've been praying, and my religious circle has been praying for me, but I feel just as lost as ever. Current Mood: Lost In The Crowd

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February 14th, 2009

09:18 pm - Valentine Rage I think this has got to be the first time I've been really angry after having read a school-related book, aside from English books where I just thought the plots or characters were stupid. Really, to claim that the Japanese work force is sexist and that it's entirely the male ego's fault? What complete and utter bullshit. Did she not take into consideration that women do not become full fledged office workers or become apprentices and artisans because they DON'T WANT TO BE? It's not like the Japanese men are tying them just to part time and house work. If a woman really wants into full-time work force, they can get it. It's exactly why Japan is having population issues, because woman are now focusing on full-time work, thus deciding to not have children. I've been okay with everything she's said up until now, where I hardly want to read the last two chapters of the book because I find her reasoning so skewed. As for the rest of the day, it was pretty much studying or doing homework. I did spend a few hours with Brian and his parents, which was fun. I told them my frustrations with school. They say Freshman year is always like this (despite me taking 300-400 level classes and tend to be the only Freshman in them), but I understand that they were trying to help me through it with advice, so I appreciate it (along with everyone else who has given a kind word to me). I got to act crazy with Brian which was nice, but when they dropped me off it was right back to homework. Just trying to get 3 days worth of homework and reading done into one day. It's tough, but I might be able to get through it. If not, I have a few hours tomorrow before I have to meet up with Brian and get everything ready for Monday. Current Mood: Kondo Doesn't Know Anything!

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February 12th, 2009

11:06 pm - Garraaraahh I've been blowing up in people's faces a lot the past couple of days. I'm just so frustrated and I keep taking it out on people. The main reason for my frustration is Korean. I feel like no matter how much I study for it, the teacher will point out something I say or do wrong, and has to make an example out of me to the entire class. I probably study harder than every god damn person in there, and yet I apparently am the ONLY one who speaks or reads Korean incorrectly. I just don't want to freaking learn anymore. What's the point of trying harder? I've worked so much harder than last quarter. And where has it got me? Fight everyday to not burst into tears every time he calls me out for something. Even right now I fight the urge to sob--just thinking about it makes me so upset. But if I quit, it only makes me a bigger failure. I couldn't even last a year of a class required for my potential major. What do I do if I say no to Korean being my major? What would I do? I really feel like I'm not as good at languages like I thought I was. Maybe it was a fluke that I excelled in Japanese in high school. But when I think back, I have a hard time remembering even the simplest of phrases. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm scared of trying to find something else to do. But Korean completely breaks down my self-esteem and confidence of being a smart person. I'm scared of telling James how I feel. I know he'd tell me to stop taking Korean, but I really wanted to learn for him and his family. If I quit, what will his mother thinking of me? She already doesn't like me all that much--probably because I'm not a thin, beautiful Korean girl like she probably wishes James would date. James would say not to worry about what she thinks but how can I not? And now I've started to cry, so I need to go before I ruin my laptop. Current Mood: rejected

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February 10th, 2009

08:46 am - Intereseting Roxanne Facts # 45, 46, and 47 #45: I hate when I wake up with a headache. #46: Thursday is my laundry day. #47: Also, I find crayons are very distracting when studying. Current Mood: hungry

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February 5th, 2009

10:07 pm - Smagurggle @_@ Today has just been one of those days where I can't read anything right. Also, Firered is a bitch because it took me an hour to catch a stupid level 2 male Pidgey. Current Mood: Stupid Game

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February 2nd, 2009

12:50 pm - D: I have to spend an extra 4 hours at school today, waiting for my Korean language partner to get out of her class so we can meet and do this stupid paper due Friday. I understand that it's important to be able to talk to those whose native language is Korean, but it's totally inconvenient and I know that I absolutely suck--I don't want other people knowing that I suck. I'm sure she'll be nice about it, but eh. I'm just not looking forward to this. I have to ask her questions that I don't know what they're asking. Last night I had the most sour stomach ever since watching the movie. Not two seconds after James dropped me off at my apartment, I threw up and just completely passed out. I haven't thrown up since then, but I feel really awful. Haven't really eaten much because I'm afraid my stomach will act up again. Just an hour and a half until my partner gets here. I should be trying to figure out what these questions are saying, but it's hard when the glossary doesn't have all the words I'm trying to look up. I really want to go home and sleep. Current Mood: Ugh

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January 26th, 2009

12:12 pm - Shoulda Known I gotta remember that banana cream pie yogurt will never taste as delicious as its pudding brethren. Yesterday (other than discovering that I am getting sick. Dammit), I was freaking out again about lots of stuff (Lisa knowing a good portion of what). I was talking to James about it and instead of him saying "I'm sorry" like he normally does, he told me that I'd get get through it, that I could do it, and that everything would be okay. It startled me. And then out of nowhere, get sent me songs that I had been wanting, but never asked him to get for me (or even hinted for him to find for me). When I told him thank you, he said, "Whatever makes you happy." I just...wasn't expecting it. I don't know what changed, exactly, but James really stepped up to the plate last night. I have never felt so comforted or felt secure by his words before. He made me feel like things WOULD be okay even though I've been doing nothing but stressin'. It's not that James hasn't ever been there for me before but, last night, it really hit home for me. I feel like he was acting like more of a good friend, a boyfriend. He felt like...well, a husband taking care of his wife. It's probably silly to think, but to me, that's what a husband should be doing for his wife when she's in a difficult position. And he completely played the role to a T. I really don't know what to say other than I absolutely love James. But I'm sure you all don't want to hear about sappy love stuff. *Laughs* No media-related stuff today. Since I'm feeling sick, I might take a nap. Right now I either have a really bad headache, or a fever. Not sure which but either way I'm sure a nap will help things a little. Current Mood: Thankful For Having James

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January 25th, 2009

01:33 am - Stuck In My Head Heather sent this to me. At first the music creeped me out, but now I can't stop listening to it. Plus the Poke-humans are beyond cute. The Nidorino is probably my favorite. The second video I found. Thought the music was cool, along with the art. Current Mood: thirsty

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January 22nd, 2009

10:34 pm - XD I probably should just post these on DA, but I like this way better. :P Again, used a reference for the pose. It didn't turn out so well, but eh. Good enough for having spent 4 hours writing beforehand. I have midterms next week and the week after next. Fun fun. Current Mood: Bwa?

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January 21st, 2009

11:18 pm - Terrance It's not so good (probably because I'm tired). I'll try again tomorrow. *Nod* Current Mood: Pokita

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06:58 pm - Weee Three hours, and I was able to draw people-ish. XD! Will probably color later. Is Raito and Rein from the Pokemon RP. Sorry if Rein doesn't look right. D: I forgot what he wears. And since this is a journal, I should post some journally thing. Tired from waking up early, but little homework so it's all good. Also, I'll be going to Oak Harbor the 30th-1st. See you all there! Current Mood: geeky

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January 19th, 2009

05:50 pm - Rufus Take 2 A second shot at Rufus. Heather likes it, so I guess that's what matters. :P Current Mood: Still Hungry

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05:08 pm - Industrial-sized Ketchup I'm probably going to be posting a lot if all this drawing keeps up. XD; Current Mood: artistic

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04:02 pm - Back In The Groove New journal. It was like trying to learn Scribbld all over again! But I think I'm getting back in the swing of drawing. It's only Pokemon that don't look completely mangled so far, but with luck, I'll get back to being able to draw people. But they're pretty good for having used a pen so. :P First is of Rufus, the Rattata Rein owns from Heather and my Pokemon RP. The second is of Roxanne's Raichu (currently not in her party). Current Mood: hungry

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