••• o j β (cockaigne) wrote in valesco,
@ 2012-08-18 00:14:00

Entry tags:

Noah!
While Odette had meant 'immediately' in her owl, it'd taken some time to collect herself enough to be able to apparate home. Home. Well, technically Noah's home, since it was his parents' and therefore--- that didn't matter. Why was she thinking about that? Considering... she rubbed her hands into her face as she lethargically went up the porch steps, finding that no amount of applied force could seemingly snap her from this daze. It was considerably late in the night too, leaning toward an hour she had not seen since her extreme socializing years, and she felt---

Disgusting. Utterly and completely--- gross, like her skin was crawling off her body with each numb motion. The fact that her recent aversion to hygienic habits might have something to do with it did not occur to her, and instead she listlessly stood on the porch, unsure what to do next. Going inside might wake up the children, and as much as she longed to see them... it wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't--- Odette wouldn't feel welcome without Noah's acceptance first. So---

Noah. Noah. Her heart ached when she thought of him, for reasons more than one. Odette couldn't begin to explain the complex emotions that had been sustaining her for the past few weeks, as it also seemed they changed at whim. She didn't--- know what to think, all she knew was how she felt, and it was all very confusing and emotional--- now she wanted to cry, again. She hated crying. Only weak wizards cried, and she felt them coming already.

Unable to move any further, Odette wrapped her arms around herself. She could feel her face heating up and her eyes swelling, but it felt too much like an uncontrollably body function to stop them just yet. So instead, she turned to expose her back to the front door in an attempt to control herself. She was such a mess.

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supernoah
2012-08-18 07:42 pm UTC (link)

He was stubborn and a hothead, but Noah was still prone to wanting logic in his life, like most Ravenclaws. Since he'd gotten the test results about Terry's parentage, his life had been nothing but chaos, silent chaos. He'd gone through a floo network of emotions; he'd been numb, surprised, happy that he was Terry's father, miserable that Odette was so upset with him, furious that she'd been with Wadcock, and now he was just exhausted of feeling so much and was genuinely and simply sad. He was sad. He missed his wife, he grew sad when the children asked where their mummy was, and the entire situation saddened him whenever his mind was to wander back to everything.

Noah knew he had messed up by not going to Odette first with his suspicions, he'd accepted her anger at that and had apologized. He could not understand why it had caused her to be angry enough at him to publicly hang around Seth Wadcock of all people, and it really baffled him that her anger or whatever she was feeling had kept her away from home and the children. Noah had refused to approach her because of how pissed he had become, but as it happened a lot in his life and in his relationship with Odette, he had to put his foot down and speak to her first.

It also didn't help that he had been lying in bed since ten o'clock and couldn't fall asleep for a minute. Tossing and turning, sighing, huffing, feeling like the entire house was ready to cave in on him at any second---it was like some force of nature was telling him that he needed his wife back home or else everything was going to collapse around him. These days it felt like it already had, and Noah was immensely grateful and a tad surprised that Odette had responded to his late night correspondence.

Once he'd received her response he'd bolted to the living room, waiting for her to apparate in, or floo from wherever she'd been staying, but the clock kept ticking. Maybe she'd changed her mind? Was she okay? Maybe she fell back asleep. Had she really responded to him or was it a dream? Noah was ready to shoot back upstairs to send another owl when a shadow moved in the porch window. He froze for a moment before going to the door and through the peephole he spotted his wife. Noah watched her for a few moments, feeling his chest ache, his stomach twist; had he really made her feel that terrible?

He opened the door slowly, his lips pressed into a thin line as he tried to maintain some composure, but it was failing miserably. Odette was the only person Noah had ever felt like it was okay to be emotional with, to show emotion even if the two of them were often too stubborn to do so. She let him be honest, sometimes brutally so, and he let out a choked breath.

"Get in here," he demanded with a crackling voice.

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cockaigne
2012-08-19 12:47 am UTC (link)

He had gone back to sleep. It was late, and while Odette knew she hadn't give much indication that she had arrived, she had just... thought he would know when she had? That was ridiculous. She was--- this was no way to have a serious discussion, so early in the morning it was unholy with begin with, not to mention she was one teardrop away from blubbering. Blubbering. And without---

Odette felt her body seize as she heard the door creak open. Immediately, an uncontrollable frown took over her face, and her grip on herself tightened. She hadn't even turned to look at him yet and-- what was wrong with her? This was not her, this was not normal, she did not do this. She did not cry. Even though she was right now.

She wanted to turn to face him. She wanted to jump to Noah, grip him tightly and then have him carry her back into the house because she had become so tired and her legs felt weak. But--- but--- her hands curled, also feeling a deep sense of unsettlement. Odette dropped her hands, only to begin to wring her wrists. What could she say to him? She didn't know what to say because she... just didn't.

Somewhere within her internal struggle, Odette had finally turned to face Noah, but it had taken her until now to realized it. And her first thought was, even in the dark, was how he looked just as miserable as she felt. Did that ease her or made her feel more dismal? She wasn't sure. Everything just felt so jumbled up--- how could continuing to stand there feel just as wrong as thinking about rushing to him? She didn't understand, she did not like all this thoughts about him that made her want to cry, and yell at him. How could she feel so conflicted about him?

Her mouth gaped, as Odette felt lost for words. She couldn't, she couldn't-- it didn't feel-- "I'm upset with you," she said miserably, rubbing the side of her face into her shoulder. Despite fighting for control, her voice was still sad and her eyes were still swollen, puffy, and moist.

"And I don't--- I can't---" she started, but quickly dropped it with something that evoked a frustrated exhale. Couldn't what? Didn't what? What! "--- let it go." Sputtering, Odette ran a hand through her limp hair, and felt herself instinctively lean closer toward Noah.

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supernoah
2012-08-19 11:52 pm UTC (link)

He blinked furiously, taking in deep breaths to stop his composure from deteriorating into a state similar to Odette’s. It absolutely killed him to know that he was the one putting his wife through such pain, no matter how much it confused him. Noah had been just as struck with the news as Odette had, and he had anticipated anger from her, but this? He felt like he was being punished and shamed for something he hadn’t done. Of course he had been with Kate that one time, but they’d both been drunk, and himself a bit more desperate than usual; Kate had tormented him in school, having her attracted to him had not mixed well with his intoxicated state.

But why was Odette so upset? He hadn’t spoken to Kate, the other woman had made no attempt in three years to connect with Terry, and they had not been dating when Noah had even found Terry in the loo of the planetarium. What was she so enraged about? What had her skipping down with Wadcock, leaving the children for weeks at a time? Did she now think him some terrible person? Was it just that it was Kate? Did she think he’d known all this time?

It didn’t seem like right now was the right time to ask such questions. His wife was upset with him and she couldn’t let it go. But she had come. She must want to finally accept things and move on, or else she would have ignored the owl completely. Noah could be just as stubborn as Odette, which was partly the reason behind his owl. He knew that one of them had to push first, so if he extended the invitation (or plead, really), and Odette accepted, it would feel like they were on a level playing field. He didn’t want her to feel attacked, but what way around this was there?

Noah’s tongue ran over his teeth as he thought. He shook his head miserably, putting out a hand for Odette.

“You’re allowed to be upset,” he said. It was true, she was; he grew upset over irrational things all the time, who was he to say that she was wrong in her feelings? He knew better than anyone how strange the human mind could be. Noah shook his outstretched hand gently, “but you’re not going avoid us anymore. Come inside.”

He’d learned over the years that being left alone never solved any problems. Time heals, but allowing yourself to be absorbed and surrounded by your miserable thoughts only brought out the worst in a person. Odette needed to be with her family, with her children, with him.

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cockaigne
2012-08-20 01:31 pm UTC (link)

Odette looked down at his blurry hand, immediately realizing she wanted to take it. She wanted to take his hand, feel his skin against hers and be comforted by it, knowing that doing so would help begin to fix this. Fix how she felt, fix her inability to control herself, fix this uncomfortable feeling she felt growing between them, but--- it--- she--- couldn't. It wasn't---- her brow furrowed miserably. Noah couldn't just tell her to come in, and act like that would make everything be fine. It wasn't fine, nothing was fine---

Her mind began to reel as that thought took over her mind. It wasn't fine, it wasn't fine, because--- he hadn't told her, he hadn't told her anything, it felt--- and he had always been hers, and now--- it didn't feel like that, he felt like... like--- like--- like a stranger, like she had gotten herself into this whirlwind of a relationship to someone that she didn't--- was it wrong that Odette felt she had exposed everything about herself to him, only to find that events like this made it seem like he had not done the same? No, he didn't understand--- with each of these thoughts rolling through her stream of conscious, she felt a deep guilt. Noah was her husband, they were married with children, how could she be thinking these things? It didn't, it didn't---

This internal conflict filled her so much so that she began to feel extremely nauseated. This was his house, with him being the one who had wanted to get married, and have children, when in the beginning she had wanted none of that. It hadn't even been on her radar, something remotely appealing!

But that wasn't right at all! She loved Terry and Anna, and married life had been so surprisingly exactly what she'd been missing, so--- so-- Odette pressed her hands to her forehead in an attempt to steady herself. What did she do? How could she--- where could she--- how could she tell him the things she was thinking, let alone utter them aloud? They were horrible, thoughts that had apparently been stewing for quite some time, but nonetheless things that were too hurtful to say to him, now, after all this time.

Her head began to shake, and Odette did not step closer to Noah. "I look at you, and--- I think of her," she started, unsure of where these words were coming from. "I think-- what else do I not know? What else--- has happened that I don't know about? And--- you can't just... tell me to come inside--- because I can't just act like all of this---" she motioned her hands at herself, in a sharp way "--- is fine when it's not." How else could she explain? She could barely explain to herself.

She shouldn't have come. That, at least, was clear. Odette was not ready to talk about this, she wasn't ready to look at him and feel that dying need to make up. It just wasn't--- she couldn't even trust herself. Odette shook her head again, dropping her gaze to the ground. "I shouldn't have come." Her eyes closed in attempt to stop the burning sensation that had taken over them. "This isn't working..." Knees beginning to wobble, Odette felt her legs grow weaker.

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supernoah
2012-08-20 04:02 pm UTC (link)

“What’s not working?”

Noah felt his chest tighten; what wasn’t working? What wasn’t working? He had tried to interrupt Odette with contradictions to her words, but he’d left her speak. He let her finish. What else didn’t she know? He hadn’t known about Terry, he was sure that he did not know everything about Odette’s past, any of her former lovers, they had respected each other enough to not be that jealous. The past was the past. Did Odette think that he’d known all this time about Terry? Would he have been able to fake such an intense reaction to the news?

“I didn’t even know----what do you mean---do you think I knew---” All his thoughts began to sputter out, but it all came back to her last words, “What’s not working? What do you--do you mean us?”

Finding himself at that conclusion made Noah reel and he stepped out onto the porch. Not to be nearer to Odette for comfort, but to almost to force her into giving him a straight answer. They’d never lied to each other, they’d always been brutally honest. Did she really think that he had been hiding this from her? That couldn’t be. She knew him. She was the only person in all of his life that Noah could completely be himself around, he didn’t have to act, he didn’t have to hide things. He hadn’t told her about his suicide attempt because it had been so long ago and---he didn’t like talking about it. But everything else, she knew---she knew everything. His life had been, except for the occassional hiccup, rather boring until he’d met Odette MacFarlan.

Noah put a hand to the back of his neck, hoping that it could give him some strength to keep his voice from cracking too badly. He was feeling a few different things, but the underlying anger at all this being thrown at him and him being the one that was seemingly being punished was starting to boil. His life had altered just as much as Odette’s, and though he was desperately trying to keep his composure, it was hard not to vehemently point that out.

“What are you saying, Odette? Just----say it.”

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cockaigne
2012-08-20 06:33 pm UTC (link)

Why was this so difficult? Why did she feel so torn? That wasn't right, this should be easy. They should be making-up, she should be burying her face into his neck as they held each other, they should be going inside to have significant make up sex--- why couldn't she just let that happen? Wasn't that what she truly wanted?

Odette felt her insides seize as her thoughts immediately switched. She couldn't let this go because that wouldn't accomplish anything. It wouldn't go away, her lingering thoughts and emotions would simply rear up in another fight, or randomly weeks or months from now. And she couldn't just--- it felt too much like a betrayal, and she was too confused with how she felt to sort out any kind of logic. Logic! She had never been good with logic, it had always been about how it felt...

She watched Noah approach her, and has he did, she felt her skin begin to bite. Noah meant too much to her, he was it, they were meant to be together, she had never felt this way about anyone else--- it hurt, he hurt. That wasn't what she wanted--- he had made her feel significant, wanted, like she'd mattered in the world. She didn't feel that now. Her hands crept up toward her neck in a painful manner, eventually coming together. How could this be happening?

"I don't know, I don't know!" Odette let out, her hands parting violently to shake on their own. She knew he hadn't--- it wasn't his fault for what had happened with Kate in the past, and she understood his actions now--- but that didn't change that they had occurred and that they weren't going away. Noah could be sorry all he wanted, but that didn't... matter.

Was that it, then? She let a choking sound, so taken aback by herself. No, no, that wasn't right, that didn't make any sense. "I'm just really confused right now," Odette spoke in a low tone, having difficulty finding words to say. But that wasn't right either, she hadn't said anything, how could everything and nothing be happening at the same time?

"I don't know what I'm saying...." Odette trailed off.

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supernoah
2012-08-21 12:00 am UTC (link)

She was giving him the biggest migraine of his life. Noah didn’t know what to say, he didn’t want to push her, because it was his revelation that had sent her spiraling into this complete mental crisis. She was confused about something, but didn’t know what. He was confused, but not knowing what had Odette all riled up left him speechless and unable to defend himself. How could he defend himself any further than he already had? Noah would not feel guilty anymore about Kate, that wasn’t his fault, but it was so bloody frustrating, trying to keep this civilized when Odette was---was being ridiculous without any sort of reason!

Letting out a breath, Noah shook his head and sat down in the doorway. He didn’t want to tell her to go, but she wasn’t going to come inside. So, he’d sit there. If she wanted to sit, she could sit. He’d wait for her to go if that’s what was going to happen, but Noah wasn’t going to be the first person to leave. For better or for worse, right? If he was anything, he was loyal, no matter how much the subject of his loyalty pissed him off.

It was literally hours that they sat there. There were spurts of conversation that circled around and around, there was confused tears, frustrated tears, and angry tears from the two of them. Noah didn’t know what to think, and he was startled when the first sun rays hit him in the face. He put his hand up to block out the sun and let out a sigh.

“Anna will be up soon,” he said with a sigh. The baby’s room faced the east, and no matter the curtains or the spells put on the windows, keeping natural light out was near impossible. Noah turned to Odette, wondering how terrible he looked and if he should wash his face before going to get the baby. He really didn’t want to, but he offered, “Do you want to get her?”

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cockaigne
2012-08-21 01:34 am UTC (link)

Odette picked her head up from her knees, squinting her heavy-lidded eyes toward the sun. In the process of the past few hours, she had slid down to the ground, using the end rail from the porch steps as support to lean against. With time she had pushed herself up against it so much so that sitting like this had become uncomfortable, but not wanting to move, she had endured it.

Anna? It warmed her heart and body to think of seeing her daughter right now, even if it meant walking into the house to get her. She began to nod in response, doing so before anything could change her mind. The house... Odette bit her bottom lip, suddenly feeling unsure if she could endure walking through it. It would be hard to walk by so many happy memories that suddenly felt heavy. She squished her legs closed to her chest, taking the moment to rest her chin on her shoulder.

She hadn't wanted to leave because leaving meant... that nothing had been fixed, nothing had changed. And Odette didn't want that, she knew at least. It meant giving up, which she wasn't ready to admit yet, either. So... awkward, and cold, silent sitting it was. Releasing her hands from their tight grip on her legs, Odette frowned. But with the awakening of Anna started the involvement of the children, even more than they already were. So she couldn't--- it had to be now.

Opening her mouth to speak, Odette faltered. How could there be still so much she wanted to say, and yet not have the words to say it? She looked at Noah sadly, fully, waiting for a few moments for him to find her gaze. Even though she had decided that what she wanted to say had to be now, Odette found herself again at a loss for words.

"Mmh..." she started, too focused to be startled by her use of the word 'mmh'. To give herself more time, she slowly rose back to her feet. Even after all this quiet thinking, Odette still found it difficult to pick the right words.

"I love you, and I love Terry and Anna, but I feel--- I am struggling to let go of this--- this thought that makes me doubt us, everything about us, because we got engaged so quickly, and then Anna came and then we got married--- I don't want to think these things but that's all I can think about, it's---" Odette's hands went to her head again, and she began to shake it. Was she even making sense? It felt like a door had been opening to her stream of conscious and it was all pouring out.

"It's like--- how could I not know, and out of everyone in the entire world, it's you and Kate Dagworth that are Terry's parents, something--- when I'd been growing up the last thing I had ever wanted was to get married and have children, and it was fine until--- until--- I don't want to be so bothered by what has happened, but it does, it bothers me so much to the point, where--- where--- I don't even want to go into the house, because it's your house and not our house--- and-- and--" Odette stopped momentarily, feeling her tears return as she waved her hands around in an exasperated manner.

"How can I be thinking these things, why can't I just--- I can't let it go."

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supernoah
2012-08-21 02:25 am UTC (link)

Her words left a loud ringing in his ears.

Noah stared up at Odette from his position on the top step, mouth twisted tightly and eyes focused, but blurry with exhaustion and hot, angry tears. How could she be saying this to him? How could she---she was doubting everything about them, the two of them, their relationship. Noah hadn’t pushed her into anything, he’d--she’d went more than a year before deciding on a wedding date, he had told her he would support her through everything when it came to the baby, he’d---it was hard taking care of two kids and a planetarium when she was on the pitch but he’d never----His house? He’d asked her if she had wanted---this---

How long had she been feeling like this? Odette had been pretty fucking happy when he had come back from Hogwarts in June, how long had she been doubting their marriage? There was no way Kate could have started all of these feelings, they must have been developing, creeping into her mind every time she had to get up in the middle of the night for one of the kids, or at family dinners that she didn’t want to be at---was that it? Did she feel restrained by them? She loved them, sure, but she doubted the very foundation that their lives stood upon.

He ducked his head, looking down at his shaking hands. Odette had met Noah at a very good point of his life. He had finally, finally found himself in a good place and it had taken him bloody years to get there. He had never thought he’d find someone he was willing to spend his life with however; he had been sure he and Terry would be it, he’d raise Terry and they’d live as father and son and make it on their own. Odette had made him like the idea of having a wife, a mother for Terry, a future, and now suddenly it seemed like she blamed him for making her those things.

His house? That didn’t---it had been a big and empty house until Odette, until Anna. It had been a constant reminder that his parents were no longer there for him, but he and Odette had made it a home. Or at least Noah had thought they had. Now, she didn’t even consider it her own. Was he supposed to feel bad that she was feeling so lost and confused? Was that was she was looking for, sympathy? Noah realized the ringing in his ears was not a signal from his brain that things were spiraling out of his control, but Anna’s cries from the upstairs. He shook his head and stood.

He was sure he’d never felt more miserable in his life than when he had to once again look Odette in the eye.

“I don’t know how you can be thinking those things,” he said, his face heating up. Noah would’ve given her everything. “I have to go get the baby,” he mumbled, shaking his head and going back in the house. The urge to slam the door closed coursed through him but at the last second he left it open, unable to fully shut her out even though she felt like she already had been.

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cockaigne
2012-08-21 03:23 am UTC (link)

Her fingers spread to cover her mouth as the need to project her running thoughts began to fade. Odette didn't know what she had expected him to do, to react, but that wasn't what she wanted. That wasn't--- the ramifications of her words hadn't fully set in, yet, so she stood, teary-eyed and alone on the porch. What else--- finally divulging the thoughts that had been swirling her mind had not helped her aching chest, but instead filled it with fear.

Had she said too much? Would he not understand this was about her and her own problems? A bit too late, the full understanding of his last look to her before going back inside was settling in, and it struck Odette so deeply she lost all air from her lungs. Gasping and clutching her chest, she kneeled over to help stabilize her whirling head.

He had left, he had left--- she didn't want him to leave, it couldn't end like this--- her baby, her baby, that was her baby too crying--- this wasn't right, but how else could she have gotten out all these things controlling her mind? She didn't even--- did she truly think those things? Truly, honestly believe them? A part of her wanted to immediately reject it all, but even she could not deny a small, selfish part of her would not let go.

Why why why--- Odette shook her muddled head, and took a step forward. Noah hadn't completely shut the door, but it's near way shut stature spoke volumes. Was she losing him? Mere seconds ago it had felt like he was losing her--- with a tiny, intimidated push she opened it, and as soon as Odette entered a strong, full wave of new tears took over her. She stood crying in the middle of the living room, completely unable to control herself. What was wrong with her? The familiar surroundings, thoughts and memories overwhelmed her to the point where it was too much to bare. When she heard heavy footsteps, Odette couldn't help but speak out. She had to.

"Noah," she sobbed, praying that he did not have Anna in his arms. "I don't know how to fix this," Odette wept, her whole body beginning to shake. "I love you, I love you----"

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supernoah
2012-08-22 06:14 pm UTC (link)

“Papa sad?”

Anna’s wide brown eyes stared from over the top of her crib as Noah stood in her doorway. Her crying in the morning was never with tears; it was her way of announcing to the household that she was awake and ready to start the day. Noah stared back, frustrated that he wasn’t able to hide his exhaustion, frustration, and yes, sadness from his daughter. He crossed his arms and let out a breath before shaking his head and entering the room. He told Anna that Papa was just tired, and that she should go back to sleep too. He picked her up and rocked her for a bit, and it turned out to be one of those rare mornings where Anna fell right back to sleep. Noah created a canopy with one of her blankets draped over the top of her crib and that was when he heard the movement downstairs. Every nerve in his body was telling him to stay upstairs, don’t go, but Noah pushed himself out of the baby’s room and down the stairs.

What was Odette trying to do to him? First she tells him that she’s basically questioning their entire relationship, and now she kept repeating that she loved him, she loved him, but what good do that do?

“You can’t say that,” Noah muttered as he approached her. His eyes were swollen, and he was unable to keep the pained smirk off of his face. He had to be the strong one, because his wife was seemingly losing her mind because of her contradicting emotions. Noah could feel miserable and angry about her feelings, but that didn’t stop her from having them. She wouldn’t be thinking these things if there wasn’t some merit behind it, and he had to deal with the pain if they wanted to get past this.

Noah grabbed Odette’s upper arms to get her to focus, but he was shaking and the hold was weak.

“I love you too, but if you’re not where you want to be--” That was it, wasn’t it? Odette had never planned to have a family, and she felt like it had been thrust upon her in the three short years that they’ve known each other. In a way he understood, but the thoughts that they’d moved too fast hadn’t been eating away at him like they seemingly had been with Odette. Noah had found himself lucky that his life had become what it had in such a short amount of time.

Maybe it was the war. Maybe knowing that you could die just for walking down the street helped shelter and hide the logic a relationship should have. He didn’t know, but what he did know was that whatever had been fine before with Odette was suddenly not fine. This issue with Kate had burst open a dam of emotions that maybe she hadn’t even realized had been bottled up. Noah did not like that he was coming up for an explanation for his wife’s emotional breakdown, but he loved her. As much as her words were hurting him, he loved her and wanted to, needed to, help her.

“We’ll get through this.” He wasn’t going to let her think this meant they were over, it was far from over. Noah pressed his forehead hard against hers. “However long it takes.”

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