••• o j β (cockaigne) wrote in valesco,
@ 2012-08-18 00:14:00

Entry tags:

Noah!
While Odette had meant 'immediately' in her owl, it'd taken some time to collect herself enough to be able to apparate home. Home. Well, technically Noah's home, since it was his parents' and therefore--- that didn't matter. Why was she thinking about that? Considering... she rubbed her hands into her face as she lethargically went up the porch steps, finding that no amount of applied force could seemingly snap her from this daze. It was considerably late in the night too, leaning toward an hour she had not seen since her extreme socializing years, and she felt---

Disgusting. Utterly and completely--- gross, like her skin was crawling off her body with each numb motion. The fact that her recent aversion to hygienic habits might have something to do with it did not occur to her, and instead she listlessly stood on the porch, unsure what to do next. Going inside might wake up the children, and as much as she longed to see them... it wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't--- Odette wouldn't feel welcome without Noah's acceptance first. So---

Noah. Noah. Her heart ached when she thought of him, for reasons more than one. Odette couldn't begin to explain the complex emotions that had been sustaining her for the past few weeks, as it also seemed they changed at whim. She didn't--- know what to think, all she knew was how she felt, and it was all very confusing and emotional--- now she wanted to cry, again. She hated crying. Only weak wizards cried, and she felt them coming already.

Unable to move any further, Odette wrapped her arms around herself. She could feel her face heating up and her eyes swelling, but it felt too much like an uncontrollably body function to stop them just yet. So instead, she turned to expose her back to the front door in an attempt to control herself. She was such a mess.

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supernoah
2012-08-21 02:25 am UTC (link)

Her words left a loud ringing in his ears.

Noah stared up at Odette from his position on the top step, mouth twisted tightly and eyes focused, but blurry with exhaustion and hot, angry tears. How could she be saying this to him? How could she---she was doubting everything about them, the two of them, their relationship. Noah hadn’t pushed her into anything, he’d--she’d went more than a year before deciding on a wedding date, he had told her he would support her through everything when it came to the baby, he’d---it was hard taking care of two kids and a planetarium when she was on the pitch but he’d never----His house? He’d asked her if she had wanted---this---

How long had she been feeling like this? Odette had been pretty fucking happy when he had come back from Hogwarts in June, how long had she been doubting their marriage? There was no way Kate could have started all of these feelings, they must have been developing, creeping into her mind every time she had to get up in the middle of the night for one of the kids, or at family dinners that she didn’t want to be at---was that it? Did she feel restrained by them? She loved them, sure, but she doubted the very foundation that their lives stood upon.

He ducked his head, looking down at his shaking hands. Odette had met Noah at a very good point of his life. He had finally, finally found himself in a good place and it had taken him bloody years to get there. He had never thought he’d find someone he was willing to spend his life with however; he had been sure he and Terry would be it, he’d raise Terry and they’d live as father and son and make it on their own. Odette had made him like the idea of having a wife, a mother for Terry, a future, and now suddenly it seemed like she blamed him for making her those things.

His house? That didn’t---it had been a big and empty house until Odette, until Anna. It had been a constant reminder that his parents were no longer there for him, but he and Odette had made it a home. Or at least Noah had thought they had. Now, she didn’t even consider it her own. Was he supposed to feel bad that she was feeling so lost and confused? Was that was she was looking for, sympathy? Noah realized the ringing in his ears was not a signal from his brain that things were spiraling out of his control, but Anna’s cries from the upstairs. He shook his head and stood.

He was sure he’d never felt more miserable in his life than when he had to once again look Odette in the eye.

“I don’t know how you can be thinking those things,” he said, his face heating up. Noah would’ve given her everything. “I have to go get the baby,” he mumbled, shaking his head and going back in the house. The urge to slam the door closed coursed through him but at the last second he left it open, unable to fully shut her out even though she felt like she already had been.

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cockaigne
2012-08-21 03:23 am UTC (link)

Her fingers spread to cover her mouth as the need to project her running thoughts began to fade. Odette didn't know what she had expected him to do, to react, but that wasn't what she wanted. That wasn't--- the ramifications of her words hadn't fully set in, yet, so she stood, teary-eyed and alone on the porch. What else--- finally divulging the thoughts that had been swirling her mind had not helped her aching chest, but instead filled it with fear.

Had she said too much? Would he not understand this was about her and her own problems? A bit too late, the full understanding of his last look to her before going back inside was settling in, and it struck Odette so deeply she lost all air from her lungs. Gasping and clutching her chest, she kneeled over to help stabilize her whirling head.

He had left, he had left--- she didn't want him to leave, it couldn't end like this--- her baby, her baby, that was her baby too crying--- this wasn't right, but how else could she have gotten out all these things controlling her mind? She didn't even--- did she truly think those things? Truly, honestly believe them? A part of her wanted to immediately reject it all, but even she could not deny a small, selfish part of her would not let go.

Why why why--- Odette shook her muddled head, and took a step forward. Noah hadn't completely shut the door, but it's near way shut stature spoke volumes. Was she losing him? Mere seconds ago it had felt like he was losing her--- with a tiny, intimidated push she opened it, and as soon as Odette entered a strong, full wave of new tears took over her. She stood crying in the middle of the living room, completely unable to control herself. What was wrong with her? The familiar surroundings, thoughts and memories overwhelmed her to the point where it was too much to bare. When she heard heavy footsteps, Odette couldn't help but speak out. She had to.

"Noah," she sobbed, praying that he did not have Anna in his arms. "I don't know how to fix this," Odette wept, her whole body beginning to shake. "I love you, I love you----"

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supernoah
2012-08-22 06:14 pm UTC (link)

“Papa sad?”

Anna’s wide brown eyes stared from over the top of her crib as Noah stood in her doorway. Her crying in the morning was never with tears; it was her way of announcing to the household that she was awake and ready to start the day. Noah stared back, frustrated that he wasn’t able to hide his exhaustion, frustration, and yes, sadness from his daughter. He crossed his arms and let out a breath before shaking his head and entering the room. He told Anna that Papa was just tired, and that she should go back to sleep too. He picked her up and rocked her for a bit, and it turned out to be one of those rare mornings where Anna fell right back to sleep. Noah created a canopy with one of her blankets draped over the top of her crib and that was when he heard the movement downstairs. Every nerve in his body was telling him to stay upstairs, don’t go, but Noah pushed himself out of the baby’s room and down the stairs.

What was Odette trying to do to him? First she tells him that she’s basically questioning their entire relationship, and now she kept repeating that she loved him, she loved him, but what good do that do?

“You can’t say that,” Noah muttered as he approached her. His eyes were swollen, and he was unable to keep the pained smirk off of his face. He had to be the strong one, because his wife was seemingly losing her mind because of her contradicting emotions. Noah could feel miserable and angry about her feelings, but that didn’t stop her from having them. She wouldn’t be thinking these things if there wasn’t some merit behind it, and he had to deal with the pain if they wanted to get past this.

Noah grabbed Odette’s upper arms to get her to focus, but he was shaking and the hold was weak.

“I love you too, but if you’re not where you want to be--” That was it, wasn’t it? Odette had never planned to have a family, and she felt like it had been thrust upon her in the three short years that they’ve known each other. In a way he understood, but the thoughts that they’d moved too fast hadn’t been eating away at him like they seemingly had been with Odette. Noah had found himself lucky that his life had become what it had in such a short amount of time.

Maybe it was the war. Maybe knowing that you could die just for walking down the street helped shelter and hide the logic a relationship should have. He didn’t know, but what he did know was that whatever had been fine before with Odette was suddenly not fine. This issue with Kate had burst open a dam of emotions that maybe she hadn’t even realized had been bottled up. Noah did not like that he was coming up for an explanation for his wife’s emotional breakdown, but he loved her. As much as her words were hurting him, he loved her and wanted to, needed to, help her.

“We’ll get through this.” He wasn’t going to let her think this meant they were over, it was far from over. Noah pressed his forehead hard against hers. “However long it takes.”

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