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balancing acts
Is it too much to ask that people be considerate?? I am tired of acquiescing to their selfish desires. I am one who takes care of everyone. In doing this, I find myself without someone to care for me. I am seen as the hardass, the caregiver, the one without needs, and yet I have so many unspoken needs. I can speak loudly in anger, and yet when it comes to vulnerability, in particular my own, I fall silent, unless the need is great enough that I cannot afford to. As one would imagine, this does not happen very often, and so my needs go unmet.

Recently, I have come to realize that I am seen much more as a character, a metaphor, an archetype, if you will. I'm the Warrior archetype. They all know that I'll rage and scream and pull the curtains down, but when it comes right to it, I'll forgive. I'll give hundreds of chances, I'll look back to make sure all is well, and my need to be objective and benevolent overrides my pride. I allow myself to be damaged by these experiences while I am striving to be compassionate to others. I have come to understand that, while I will aggressively, even violently, defend myself, I lack the passion for my own being that I extend to others. If I've failed in these attempts to repair damaged relationships, it is in part due to the fact that I have allowed myself to go into disrepair, and having ignored that for too long, it all comes to a breaking point. Everything has its absolute, its ultimate. Every person has the ability to push another too far, and if I've gained any wisdom at all from my experiences, it is that we have to be careful with one another, because we just don't know where their absolute is. We often neglect to realize how close we are, until it's too late.

I have found joy in the dance between two beings. In my most personal relationship, there is a balance that I have come to rely on as the constant in my often chaotic world. As I've looked behind and looked behind and looked behind me, he is always there. I no longer have to look back, I know he is there, I can feel him there, beside me. He has my back and I have his, no, not for the sake of keeping up appearances. I am not interested in the assumptions or opinions of others when it comes down to these matters, because they aren't on the inside track with him, with me, the way we are with eachother. I have VIP seats .. he has an all access pass. You can't judge the musician until you've seen what goes on backstage. As much as people in our inner circle think they know, they don't crawl into bed beside me, as he does. For better or for worse, we have relinquished our natural camouflage. Being in sacred marriage doesn't mean blindly affirming every thought or action. It simply means accepting a person the way they truly are. It means not having to hide anything, not having to be anyone or anything than what you truly are in that moment in time, and that being enough. It means trusting another person enough to allow them to be your mirror, your spirit guide, your shaman. We can reflect what we like, but if we are honest, we can begin to find balance.