gypsy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] gypsy Dancing with Dragonflies Chasing the dragonfly, dancing with light, my eyes fixed on shimmering wings, my heart in flight. On the edge of a lily pad lands the dragonfly, tail like a blue thread loosened from the sky. And what is a butterfly, you ask? At best, he is but a caterpillar, finely dressed. A dragonfly captures the soul and mind, all this in only a moment of time. [ userinfo | scribbld userinfo ] [ calendar | scribbld calendar ]

in love [Wednesday, January 21st 2004] Well, in case anyone missed it, I am officially in love. I told myself I wasn't going to do this again, and yet here I am, barely eating, working or sleeping. All I can think about is him. I'm wonderfully miserable, you might say... but in a good way. *wink* Seriously, though, I am so damn happy it's ridiculous. I am also, officially terrified. He just left ... having a guy's night, and he has to get up early for an appointment tomorrow, and I have to work early so I suppose it is just as well. I miss him, (and don't think I don't realize how fucking pathetic that sounds!) I wasn't feeling well today so he took me to a movie and looked after me all day. We saw Big Fish... very strange and wonderful movie. Bring your Kleenex ... My apartment is quiet ... and still when he is not here. We're planning a trip to Seattle at the end of the month. It will be nice to get away from everyone and just be together. We're staying in my favorite fancy schmancy hotel and (hopefully!) I will be feeling better so I can have fabulous hotel sex. *smirk* I'm excited... just hope I can make it through the work week until then. *sigh* Today he said he wishes he could spoil me. This from a man who is everything I could ever dream of and more. I told him he does spoil me, and he laughed, saying that I knew what he meant. I told him I'd rather have the love and attention and consideration and respect that he gives me more than anything money could buy. Time for bed, I suppose. He loves me ... what more could I ever want?

a chandelirious lifestyle [Tuesday, January 20th 2004] After a sexless night of movies with The Professor, a day off work with cramps and being too broke to even window shop, I am too tired to even think straight. *yawn* I want to spend every minute with him and that leaves little time for all those other, less-stimulating activities, like work, friends ... and sleep. My sex god of a boyfriend nearly put me in traction the other night. I am still recovering! There is a downside to marathon sex, (at least if you have endometriosis). Four hours of sex should last for days, and even though I am in pain, it doesn't make him any less arousing to me. Talk about fucking frustrating!!! On the upside, I have a whole new respect for my bathroom counter. Over the last few weeks, my job has become less fulfilling. At first, I thought I was a manager. Then, a babysitter. Now, a psychiatrist. I am the official landing pad for the 747 full of bitchy employees. I have become the authority figure I once dreaded. I have actually spoken the words "we have to do what is best for the company." Blech. I am left wondering, is this really me??? Is this really who I am??? For some stress relief, I went by the piano shop today and played a bit. Steinways are not really my preference, (I am a Bosey or Petrof girl,) it was nice to be able to feel a piano again and get compliments from the salesman. I'm having withdrawals ... it's time to get my piano, (at least one of them!) back into my apartment! As tired as I am, I will likely still want to see him tonight. Aside from my music, nothing has made me feel so alive.

Boyfriend 101 [Saturday, January 17th 2004] The one certainty in life is that nothing is certain. You never know everything, and just when you begin to think you do, something else happens that re-teaches you everything you thought you already knew. Right now, I am taking 'BOYFRIEND 101'. Apparently, the last bazillion times, I wasn't paying close enough attention. My friend calls him 'Mr. Wonderful', and he is wonderful, but I have learned so much from him that I am more inclined to call him 'The Professor' and so I guess that will be his name, for the purpose of this journal, anyway. So, The Professor and I were talking about relationships, what makes them go wrong or right, and how to stop it when it starts to go into the spin. We talked about how we both felt that this relationship was very different than those from our pasts. I realized that I have become so caught up in the concept of being in love that I had forgotten to actually feel it. I was too busy trying to control every aspect of it that I missed the very point of being in love, which is just to simply enjoy eachother. The Professor said something that really made me think ... he said, "it is less about how we feel about eachother, and more about how we make eachother feel." I am learning that sometimes you can see a totally different ball game from another seat in the stadium. So many people love eachother, but don't like eachother. They love someone who only provides them with more suffering and pain. They don't want to love them. They don't feel good about it, but at some point they fell, and couldn't get themselves back up again. That's not the kind of love I want. I thought I had it all figured out ... why people hurt eachother, why we disregard eachother in so many ways. In the end, though, it begins and ends with this one thing: it isn't about finding someone who is perfect. It's about finding someone who is perfect for you. You have to find the right person from the start, because if you don't, no amount of changing and rearranging on anyone's part will make it right.

eyes wide shut [Wednesday, January 14th 2004] I am up way too fucking early this morning. I am so not used to working at 11am instead of 7am. Fuck!  I watched a hilariously funny, (and kind of scary,) documentary called 'Grass' lastnight. Funny because of the ridiculous things the government tried to make people believe about smoking marijuana, (for instance, that it makes you homicidal,) and scary because it worked. People believed it. Anything to gain any measure of control over the masses. *rolls eyes* I finished all my meds for bronchitis and I am feeling much better. I was actually able to sleep lastnight without waking up coughing and gagging. Maybe that's why I am up so damn early??

silver rings, kisses, and narcotic cough syrup ... what else could a girl ask for? [Tuesday, January 13th 2004] I'm not feeling particularly creative this evening, so don't be surprised if this isn't the most captivating of journal entries. My mind is in a fog. Too much sleepy syrup and not enough of my boyfriend seems to do that to me. *sigh* My very sweet boyfriend, who took care of me for 2 days, gave me lots of kisses and backrubs and other sorts of wonderfulness. He even drove all over town with me to find a book on Celtic symbolism, (that we never did find ...) being with him is truly the best medicine. My back and chest ache from days of unrelenting coughing. The rest of my body aches in a completely different way. Nothing much seems to hold my attention now, except him. Oh, and music ... which kind of also makes me think of him. *lol* I came home lastnight and I was restless and grumpy. I've never felt that before. Sure, I've been in love, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But this is a whole new territory of love that I've never visited before. It felt like my left arm was missing or something ... I just didn't know what to do with myself. Strange. Love is a lot like food. You laugh, but if you think about it, you'll see the similarities. Like really good cheesecake ... it's rich and soft and sweet in your mouth and you just want to keep eating it until you're bloated and sick. Or, when you're so hungry that you load half the salad bar onto your plate and then realize after you've made a small dent in it that you really weren't so hungry after all? I'm trying to just snack ... a little here, a little more there, licking my lips, leaving me always wanting more.

still hacking [Friday, January 9th 2004]   Blech... *cough, hack, sniffle, wheeze* Went to work today for a few hours before my boss kicked me out. He said I sounded really sick and should see a doctor. So, I left work around 11am and went to see my doc. What I thought was the flu is actually bronchitis. I've had it a few times, so I am familiar with the routine. Antibiotics, plus some narcotic cough medicine that my boss calls 'goodnight, Irene'. *lol* Should fix me up nice ... my biggest problem is that I cough so much at night that it's difficult to get any sleep. That shouldn't be a problem now! I really only have one thing to say today ... I MISS MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! I haven't seen him in a week and it just sucks. His friend is visiting from Cali, so I suppose it is just as well. Men need their 'guy time'. Plus, I don't want him to get sick, too ... I do miss him, though. Maybe tonight I will get to see him. Anyway, I'm off to pop some pills and rest up a bit (more).

home sick and missing him... *cough, hack* [Thursday, January 8th 2004] Well, I've been sick with the flu for 3 days now ... I thought that if I semi-ignored it, (as much as one can, *cough, hack, wheeze*) that it might disappear just as quickly as it came. It didn't. I told myself I wasn't going to get the flu this year, and damn if I didn't lie straight to my own face! It is so completely boring being sick. It's nasty weather outside, snow and ice, so I couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse about being stuck in bed. Had to call in sick to work today as well, for the first time. That really pissed me off. Oh, well. I suppose there's nothing for it. I haven't seen him since Monday *sniff*. He called lastnight to say that he wanted to see me tonight. I miss him. I told him if I felt better I might come over, though I don't want to make him sick, too. He said he didn't care if he got sick, just wanted to see me. How sweet. I don't know yet if I will feel up to going anywhere, though ... I need to wash my sheets. Ugh. Flu bugs. Yech! Funny thing ... talked to my best friend in Dallas yesterday. Told him I was sick, and then today I got an email from him saying he is sick now as well! He said the flu bugs crawled over the phone lines. I told him they weren't mine, 'cause I still have 'em! *lol* Anyway, time for (another) nap ... I hope all this sleeping is helping. Otherwise the only thing I am accomplishing is widening my arse.

falling flat on my face [Wednesday, January 7th 2004]  It is far easier to be with someone you do not love, than with someone you completely adore. There is no wondering how they feel, no rushes of emotion, no aching to be next to them when you're apart. In so many ways, it is a simpler, be it less fulfilling life. I watched a movie recently that talked about sex being less about recreation or procreation, and more about concentration. A biological highlighter of sorts, keeping your mind focused on the person you are sleeping with. I can certainly appreciate that point of view right now. Falling in love and being in love are very different types of emotions, but both intense and enveloping in their own ways. Like most people, I like to believe that I have some measure of control, that I could decide whether or not to allow myself to fall. In truth, no human being can control their emotions. Perhaps how they react to them, but not the feelings themselves. As unsettling as that realization is to a control-freak such as myself, the happiness and elation that I feel when I think about it more than makes up for any reservations I might have. It is not often that we meet someone who challenges our perceptions, our routines, the way we behave when in auto-pilot mode. It doesn't always result in a desire to change those behaviors, but more an awareness of them. Faced with this new relationship, I am forced to realize that the way I handled previous relationships will not do it justice. I have an immense sense of respect for this person and this relationship that I may not have had in previous ones. I am humble, gracious and hopeful. And even though a part of me is afraid of being so vulnerable, I also feel a sense of peace and patience. I don't need constant spoken reassurance, as I feel so much of our communication is unspoken. I see an entire world in his eyes that I want to dive into and explore.

maybe Peter Pan does grow up after all... [Sunday, January 4th 2004] I am learning that sometimes people do things that don't make any sense, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Lastnight is a textbook example of this. I just hope that my decisions don't come back to haunt me, (in the myraid of ways that they potentially could.) As much as I hate to censor myself, being that this is a public journal, I have to be somewhat selective about the information I post here. I try to be respectful of other people's privacy, (and I do try to keep a little for myself as well,) and so although it may sometimes seem cryptic, it's just better not to always spell everything out here. However, the words deliriously happy come to mind ... I've learned that in love there is no such thing as perfection. With the right person, however, you can come pretty damn close. I've also learned that it does not just come to you when you ask for it. It's very sneaky like that. It hides behind trees and in movie theaters and the dark corners of life, and when you're least expecting it, it jumps out and scares the sh!t out of you!  Lust is an alltogether different animal, and one that has me by the throat right now. More persistant than love, and no less sympathetic. In truth, it is just another doorway into the human heart. You open the door, fall off a cliff and hope you land without breaking something. I am happily in the fall right now, hoping I never land.

snowed in!!!!! [Thursday, January 1st 2004]   Trapped like a rat ... I am snowed in today! Yeah, yeah, I have a Jeep. A nice Jeep with 4WD and shiny black... why am I snowed in when I own a Jeep, you ask? Well, because I own a Jeep with no body damage, and I'd like to keep it that way! *wink* Anyway, I am totally bored, so I took this quiz ... enjoy! *mwah* A is for - Age: 26 B is for - Boyfriend: hmmm, still looking... C is for - Career in future: musician (no, I mean the kind who gets paid *lol*) D is for - Dad's name: Dad, to me, Lonny to everyone else E is for - Essential item to bring to a party: a date F is for - Favorite song at the moment: Pancake (extended version) G is for - Guy/Girls you've kissed: Loads of guys and a few girls H is for - Hometown: Portland, Oregon USA I is for - Instruments you play: Piano J is for - Job title: Retail Operations Manager K is for - Kids: None L is for - Living arrangement: studio apartment 5 minutes from everything M is for - Mom's name: Mom, to me, Marilyn to everyone else N is for - Number of people you've slept with: you first *lol* O is for - Overnight hospital stays: several visits and surgeries, one overnight stay P is for - Phobia[s]: sharks and upset tummies Q is for - Quote you like: "If you call me an airy, fairy hippie waif, I will cut your dick off." R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: 3 1/2 years, ended in divorce S is for - Sexual position: Doggy... woof, baby! T is for - Time you wake up: usually around 6am, whether I need to or not U is for - Unique trait(s): ability to play piano without ever being taught, my big lips V is for - Vegetable you love: radishes and cucumbers W is for - Worst habit: foul-mouthed and stubborn X is for - X-rays you've had: too freakin' many ... had one just the other day! Y is for - Yummy food you make: Um, I microwave ... Z is for - Zodiac sign: Capricorn

a new day [Wednesday, December 31st 2003] My birthday was the 28th of December. Maybe this is a common practice, but I always seem to take an inventory of sorts of my life on my birthday. It may be because it happens to be at the end of the year. Every year I am amazed at the things that have happened, how myself and others have changed, and how some things have, (and always will,) stay the same. I look back over the people I've met, the experiences I've had, the loss and laughter, good and bad decisions, and the things that surprised me. I am proud of myself for the decisions I've made this past year. I left a job that was literally making me sick. I left a marriage that was not much better, and in making those difficult decisions, I have found inner peace. It's hard sometimes to think about lost time. Many people who get divorced go through that, and I suppose I did, too, to some degree. The fact is, people do things when they're ready, and no sooner. There's no sense feeling guilty for that proverbial 'lost time'. It was only truly lost if you learned nothing from it. The past few weeks I have been experiencing serious relapses of my endometriosis. I just got my internet access back at home, and for those who think that's unrelated, I'll explain. I spend a lot of time just trying to keep my mind off of it ... that's mostly what I use the internet for ... distraction. I hate to be this person, this sickly person, but sometimes it's who I am, and I have found, over the years, the tricks of the trade, to deal with it until it passes, as, after 5 surgeries, there really isn't much else for it. This morning I could barely move. It should be a memorable experience for me, something I might call in sick to work, or go to the doctor for, but for me, it's part of day-to-day life. I try to look at it in a positive manner ... I feel thankful on the days I have no pain, and humble on the days that I do. When pain slams you up against the wall, punches you right between the eyes and lets you fall, in a heap, to the floor, you just surrender. And when you feel better, you go shopping. =) So tonight I will happily go buy some picture frames, decorate my new place while watching cable t.v., nurse some ginger tea and hug my heating pad. That makes me happy these days.

friendship, or comic relief? [Wednesday, December 31st 2003] Everything is going great, actually... just reading through some of my posts and laughing. *LoL* I am usually not so passive-aggressive. When people won't listen to logic, (and pester you when you try to get away from them,) it sort of leaves you with no choice. Anyway, same friend problems with that one. Still irresponsible. Can't even raise her own children, she just keeps shipping them off to Cali. Whatever. On top of the immature behavior, she copies everything I do. Clothes, perfume, make-up, moisturizer (!), vehicles, music... you name it. It's sick. Still questioning whether I keep her around more for amusement than companionship.

happy birthday to me! [Sunday, December 28th 2003] Today is my 26th birthday! My sister says I am now 'pushing 30' .. ha! Little teenage wench! (just kidding, Sis!) She'll be twenty next year. So, I've had an interesting day. It freakin' rained all day, (of course!) but I did get to see my friend Gordon, (aka, 'G-Dogg',) and he gave me my birthday present. He had visited New York awhile back and got me a HOOTERS t-shirt from Times Square! He had asked one of the girls what size he should get, described me and she said to get an extra small, and she said 'it's the same one we wear'. I'm like, um, yeah, but when they wear it, it barely covers their hooters! On me, it covers my belly button! Size doesn't matter, though, right, boys? *lol* Anyway, I love the shirt! It's a black tank top and it's the 20th anniversary one. I spent the evening at my parent's house, and had spaghetti dinner and cherry cheesecake, (yum!) and we watched 'Jeepers Creepers 2', (I love those movies!) and I got to open my presents. I also bought some stuff for my new place and have just been relaxing, as I have had some problems lately with my endo and the pain really wipes me out. But, after all that has happened with friends and coworkers this year, and the crazy state of the world, I will say again how fortunate I feel that my family is healthy and safe. Okay, enough mushy stuff ... now on to the dirt. There's someone I have been seeing a bit here and there. I don't know yet if it is going anywhere, (or if it ever will,) and part of me is still deciding what I want, but it has been fun, no matter what happens. I feel very alive right now, and for once I almost feel my actual age, instead of 40 years older! The experiences I have had this year with friends, lovers, family and employment have been a real roller coaster ride, and I am happy to say, one that I am not left feeling ill from. Things are coming together, and I feel a great sense of peace.

that which is unseen [Saturday, December 27th 2003] I believe there are things most mortal men do not comprehend. I believe that there are a select few human beings that are able to see things not everyone can. I believe I am fortunate to know one of those beings. A dear friend of mine made a journey recently. Not of the body, but of the spirit. Sometimes you have to walk through darkness to come to light. I won't say much more of this, as I believe these things are sacred. Our ancestors knew this, and I have a great respect for them and their teachings. It was not my journey, and therefore, not my story to tell.

girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes... [Thursday, December 25th 2003] Silvery white winters that melt into Spring, These are a few of my favorite things... It's Christmas morning and I am awake after a fitful night's sleep. For some strange reason, (probably from overworking this past month,) my endometriosis decided to return to me on Xmas eve, along with hellacious cramps that even my prescription pain pills didn't kill. So I slept a bit, two hours here, three hours there, wrapped up in a heating pad. I feel drugged from the pain medicine and very sleepy. I can only hope there is a nap in my very near future. The family is going to see the final Lord of the Rings today. I hope I am feeling somewhat better by then so that I can go, too. We opened gifts at around 7am. I got four Edward Gorey books! Very excited about that ... also some Jeep stuff, (I know, big surprise, huh? *lol* ) a handknitted scarf, some jewelry, and other fun stuff. I got an email from my friend lastnight about his mom, saying the news was likely going to be bleak. I was sad most of the night thinking of this. However, this morning there was another email, saying he would call me today, with good news! Perhaps it will be a merry Xmas after all.

it's begining to look a lot like Xmas [Tuesday, December 23rd 2003] I am finally done with all my shopping, (for my family, my boss, employees and friends,) and I am just relaxing today. I have a movie date tonight, which should be fun. Lastnight I went back to the store to give a sick employee a ride home and all hell broke loose. The husband of one of my employees decided to go psycho and threaten one of my cashiers. I don't know what would have unfolded had I not happened to be there, since everyone else was like a deer caught in the headlights. I told him to get the hell off the premises, and he then proceeded to threaten me and curse me out. I told him one final time that I wasn't his wife and I didn't care whether he spent the night in jail, and that he needed to leave NOW. Then I spent another 1/2 hour calming everybody down and talking to the police. He is now trespassed from the store, and surrounding areas. I am still without internet access at home, due to the move and the holiday. They can't get anyone out to move my service until New Years. Bastards! Work Xmas party is tomorrow and then I will be doing the family thing. I just got an email today from my best friend in Texas, who is visiting family in New Mexico over the holidays. His mother is in the hospital, could be cancer, and I am very worried. His family is like my 2nd family, and he is like my own blood. If you're reading this, please say a prayer to whatever gods have blessed you that she will get good news, and have a safe and happy Xmas.

ho, ho, holy sh!tb@lls! [Sunday, December 21st 2003] I cannot describe the sequence of events of the past few days, because certain individuals might read said sensitive information. However, I can say that I had forgotten how good first kisses felt, how intense lust can be, (much more so than love,) and how tripping over your tongue can be fun if you do it right. 'Nuff said for now. Oh, and I have the filthy, dirty, stinking flu... fuck.

long @$$ day! whew! [Tuesday, December 16th 2003] Well, I just got home after a frickin' 13 hour day! In truth, I didn't even notice the time go by ... it almost seems somedays as if there isn't enough time to get everything done. I really enjoy my work, though it is demanding at times, both physically and mentally. I feel very comfortable in my skin these days. I had another dream about him lastnight. I am beginning to believe that you never get over some relationships. They just haunt you for the rest of your life. You can never really get rid of someone who sunk in on a subconcious level. When you can't stop dreaming of your past with someone, how do you stop dreaming of a possible future together? It's a question without an answer I am beginning to fear. Perhaps you never really get 'over' your love for someone ... you just get used to the loneliness, the empty space where they once lived. On the upside, a gorgeous guy flirted with me at work today, (customer,) and he comes in all the time. And, it's not just him ... let's just say I am not without some very promising prospects right now, (which kind of sucks, since I work a lot of the time!) I need to make time for some of these cuties! I am off to the bath now ... then having some chips and salsa and watching tv for a bit. I don't have to get up quite so early tomorrow, which is nice after such a long day. I have to call a meeting, though ... some of my 'children' are misbehaving. I thought I was a manager, not a babysitter. *lol* Oh, well. It's all in a day's work for me.

I hurt myself today [Friday, December 12th 2003] And here begins the tale of stupid accident number two, for the year 2003 ... (it seems I just had to get one more in before the new year.) Anyway, I am at work, stocking Xmas pillows, when a two-inch wooden wreath, (made out of painted plywood,) falls off the shelf and smacks me right between the eyes, cutting the bridge of my nose before sliding down and hitting the floor. I dropped everything I was carrying and ran into the bathroom to get a paper towel. It was pretty painful on impact, but I assumed the pain would subside after a minute or two. It didn't. In fact, it got worse, and I got dizzy. So, Lauri took me up to the office and got me some ice, and I iced it for about 30 minutes, and then went back to stocking. I took some pain medicine, and cursed myself for being the unlucky, falling-down-the-stairs, breaking-my-ankle, wooden-wreath-catching with-my-face bastard that I am. Later that night, the pain meds wore off ... OH-MY-GOD!!!! It was like a migraine in my nose! It hurt so bad I couldn't even get up to make dinner or finish my laundry. I just laid there wimpering with an ice pack on my face. I took some more pain meds and went to sleep. The next day, I woke up with the same headache/noseache, and took some more pain meds before going in to work. In fact, I took them all day long, because the pain was coming back about a 1/2 hour before they were supposed to wear off, and then I would get dizzy again. Around 3pm, I was doing some more stocking and I turned around fast to grab something and almost fell over. Then I got nauseated and my palms got all sweaty and I went to the office to sit down. Lauri sat with me in case I passed out. I had her feel my nose to see if anything felt wiggly in there, like a broken bone, and that hurt so bad I started bawling like a baby. I never cry, and my pain tolerance is pretty high, so I decided maybe I should go get an xray. Fast forward 4 hours later ... it took 3 hours at the hospital to get an xray, only to find that I have a bruised, not broken, nose bone or whatever it's called. I asked the doctor why it hurt so bad, and he told me that bruised bones hurt just as much, if not more, than fractured ones, but they do heal faster. He asked me if I wanted some 'high-octane' pain meds and was surprised when I said no. He was further surprised when he asked me how much time I needed off work and I said none. So, he wrote me a release to return to work and asked me again on my way out the door if I wanted some pain pills. Again, I declined. He said to take Aleve or Advil for the pain and not to get hit by any more falling wooden wreaths. Yeah, like ... duh. *wink* So, in short, I feel like I have been kicked in the face, but everything else is great. Got my Xmas bonus at work, still loving my job, almost finished with my Xmas shopping, and with the possible exception of the crummy weather today, it has been a good weekend so far. Oh, and I got asked to write the musical score for a movie. More details on that later on. Happy holidays! And watch out for falling wreaths!

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