a torch dragged over one hay bale after another, igniting everything

I need to look up what rape in a dream means. Lets say I spent most of the morning thinking, unpleasantly, about what happened in my dreams last night. I probably don't need to say who was in the dream, but for the record it was James. Of flipping course.

Adam is feeling quite down today. He said he's afraid of losing me. He's not, of course. I would normally tell him about any upsetting dreams I have, but due to the circumstances of how he's feeling and what my dream consisted of, I don't think I will.

I was at school till 1:30 am working on schoolwork and I'm still not done. My dad is coming into town tomorrow through Sunday, so I won't get a chance to work on it till Monday. How unfortunately stressful. :\

I have been in so much pain today... it's ridiculous. My kidney infection came back, or actually, never quite went away, and it hurts way worse than before. I had to miss class today and go to the doctor. He gave me some very strong antiboitics, but no good meds for the pain, which is what I WANT, because holy shit this fucking hurts.

I ended up having to take some downer cough syrup that I had left over (for emergencies only) just to get rid of the pain. I don't feel high, but the pain is mostly gone. I don't have a lot of cough syrup left, though, and only one downer pill. Hopefully the pain goes away quick enough I won't have to use them.

Other than that, my weekend was fantastic. The party was amazing, and Adam and I grew really close. I can see this turning into love. I don't want to sound childish when I say it, but I'm serious. I like that idea, but at the same time.. he'll be leaving within a year or two. I can't leave, I still have school. I don't want to think about it.

I don't know how I'm going to make it to class tomorrow, but I will somehow.

I didn't expect myself to be this moody today.
I went from productive, successful, slightly-optimistic feeling to worried, self-loating, and almost harmful behavior.

All from thinking about drugs. Fuck. I wish Adam hadn't told me about the hydrocodon his uncle gave him. Just because he can take pills and no get addicted doesn't mean that I can. I'm trying to stay off, recover from getting caught, and just when I'm getting to where I don't want one every day, he tells me this.
and doesn't even offer it to split it with me, which I don't know if I should feel hurt about or not.

Then I got to thinking about how all these people I went to high school with must look at me so differently since I "changed". Yeah, I fucked up, I made some mistakes and wrong choices. I was druggie Donna for a little while, but I was still Donna. And now I'm Donna, and... well. It's hard to be Donna sometimes.

I just want to go to sleep.

So, it was like 75 degrees here today. In FEBRUARY, wtf. With weather like this, it's no wonder I shake worse than a chihuahua when it's cold. Jeez.

Today went well. I got to see Adam after class, which was joyful. I treated us to Hershey's ice cream and then we went to a park. I hadn't had Hershey's ice cream in so long, and it reminded me of how GOOD it is! Oh god, it's a good thing I'm poor, or I'd be at the store all the time just eating it.

I have some homework to do tonight. Ugh. I might put it off, it's not due till 1 PM tomorrow anyway.

Adam was telling me today that he saw this chick, Fernanda, who I don't really like. He said she was flirting with him a little yesterday, and then Mario came up and she started flirting with him. I'm not surprised (and really don't care) about her flirting with Mario, since she did that even when we were dating, but Adam? Not cool. I might've actually gotten jealous this time. Oh my.

Okay, these Ex-boyfriend dreams are just getting out of hand.

Now I've had two about Mario. I don't understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I mean, Adam and I aren't officially dating or anything, he made that pretty clear last night, but I also really enjoy being with him. I had a great time last night, and for a while it almost seemed as cute as a chick flick.

So WHY can't I get these people out of my dreams?

Adam keeps saying that if someone from my past were to come back and apologize, and ask for me back, I would go to them. This annoys me because it's not necessarily true. And would never happen. But the more he keeps saying it, and the more I keep having these dreams, I'm beginning to wonder.

I finished the first section of my source book, finally. It's due Wednesday, so either Monday or Tuesday I guess I'll get it printed at school. It looks pretty bland to me, but it's only the first section. It'll get more interesting as I go on.

I still have a paper to write for English on Jane Austen. Hmm. I'm procrastinating hardcore on that one because it's only supposed to be two pages. I'm used to having to write five or six page papers, so this will be a piece of old fashioned jam cake.

Essan called me last night around midnight, crying. We were on the phone for almost an hour. I think she's doing better now, but I hope she calls again if she needs to. Adam called today saying how hard it was to find a job in Charlotte (I know!), and how all he does on weekends is argue with his parents, so he's going to stop going home.

Amy still hasn't woken up yet. It's almost five.. I don't know how she can stand to have 8 o clock classes if she sleeps in this late.