So yeah, I'm not so sure where I left off, and I'm too much of a lazy ass to go and look. So... Let's see here. I think I was talking about meeting Ashleen. Maybe? Whatever. Well, I think I should go into how I have changed as a person. Because, I feel like I have. I feel like I have changed for the better. I wanted to be a better, and nicer person in general, and I think I've accomplished that. I will continue to do that. I kind of consider this all to be New Years resolutions for 2010 that I started early. Another thing I have decided to completely cut out from my life is hate. I used to hate a lot of people and things. I just don't have the energy for that anymore, nor do I even personally think it's right for me to hate anyone as an individual, because of the actual hatred I kind of had for myself. There's no need for any of that. If I hated someone before, they just won't get my time of day today. They don't deserve it, and I don't feel like expending myself for people who don't matter. I've instead taken that energy to tend to my friends and make friendships much stronger. Friends are number one to me. I don't have anyone else, especially with Brandie apparently not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I refuse to take the relationships I have with individuals for granted. I don't want to lose anyone else anymore. As for another aspect of my life... If I can't get a grip on this whole money situation, the situation with my heart, and completely uproot Dana from my mind, then I fucking quit. Yup. I gave myself one year to improve. I'd say I'm doing pretty well of fulfilling certain things thus far, but I honestly don't have much faith in myself. It only takes one thing moderately bad to tip me back into a depression. And so my cycle continues.
But, to be fair to myself, I've surprised myself quite a bit. I knew back in Washington that I was ready to come back here and start over, but I didn't think I'd jump right into everything head first. I never knew I could handle things and accept them so well. I was very spiteful feeling and vengeful towards Dana, but I'm not anymore. No hate. I don't believe that people who do wrong will always "get theirs", but I'm okay with that. She can keep my stuff, keep everything that she's done to me, and I hope she has a nice life. Materials are replaceable, and it's not worth the energy to worry about something I have virtually no control over. Another thing I've learned through that experience is to accept defeat gracefully. Before, when it came to losing... "life battles" (per-say) it would consume me. I would not take it very well. I'd dwell on it for days and days where it would literally get me no where. Fuck that. I'd say I'm off to a good start considering the black abyss I came out of. I just hope that I can mentally keep my head above water. I think that ends up hurting me more than anything.
music: Opus III - It's a Fine Day