Like gravity.  
08:59pm 24/05/2012
 Love is such a destructive force. I really don't think it's worth it to let myself slide into that ever again. I hate myself for not being able to let this go. And there's a certain amount of hate I have for her, too.  Or maybe it's not hate. Maybe it's just resentment. Maybe it's not even that. I guess I can't really describe it. Whatever it is, it sucks and I wish it would go away. =/ But I guess it can't if she's always there. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe I like this type of pain, and that's why I always subscribe to it. But I don't like it, and that's the problem.
mood: blah blah
music: Adele - Someone Like You
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It's just me against the world, baby.  
10:56pm 22/05/2012
 So much has happened since I last updated this. And I'm not going to go into detail with more than a couple years worth of stuff. Honestly, I should have kept up with this. I wish I had. But, that's okay. I figure this is the perfect place of seclusion to write down how I'm planning the next chapter of my life.  We all know plans are generally worthless, but I can't even begin to tell you how hard I'm going on this one. 

* I will never be hurt again like the past couple females have hurt me. Never. I refuse to put myself in that situation again. It's not worth it.
* I am getting a car by the end of August. I can't stand not having a way around and I just look pathetic without one. Twenty four and no car. Bullshit.
* There are a couple people I need to resurrect my friendship with that I've sorely neglected. This ties into having a car.
* . No relationship for a VERY long time. That solves that.  People suck.
* Focus on self. Focus on Nova. Focus on Romeo. Fuck outsiders. else. I don't have time for people who aren't worthy of my dawning circle.
* Run harder at work. It's going to be tough... especially with cruel summer approaching, but I have to. I need money. Theoretically, earning is limitless. I'll get in better shape that way, too.
* I'm on a good path, but I need to get into even better shape.
* I need to be a better person in general. I need to pick up where I left off a couple years ago. I was doing so good. And I think I'm off to a decent start. The problem lies in letting people push me and push me until I'm not in a good place anymore. I let others dictate my mood and outlook. It shouldn't be like that. I will NOT be like that anymore. 
*Return to roots. <3 HBK is large and in charge. <3
* I've spent nearly twenty-four years hating it... I want to learn how to love my life. 

T       L      J      C  

Let's make this happen. 

mood: determined
music: The Notorious B.I.G - Hypnotize
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Quite the quote  
05:59pm 20/05/2012
 "If somebody was always stealing pies and couldn't go a day without eating a pie, you wouldn't trust them around pies. Yet, according to some people, we're supposed to ignore the fact that women sleep around and can't go a day without receiving some kind of sexual, flirtatious, or romantic attention from a man. We're supposed to pretend this somehow doesn't reflect their character. We're supposed to trust them even though the same behavior in any other area of life would negate all trust. Why would a woman who has constantly been seeking attention from men her whole life and has shown no ability to live for any period of time without it - while jumping from man to man, while sometimes juggling a couple at a time - , make a trustworthy companion? You shouldn't trust such a woman to be a good wife or companion anymore than you'd intrust a glutton with keeping an eye on your fridge."
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Better mood.  
01:36pm 29/06/2010
I've been in a much better mood since I last wrote. Sometimes, I just get so run down with pressures everywhere. It gets tough, man. The best thing to do is play it one day at a time... since that's the only real option. I think other people's positive attitudes are helping  me, too. Just casual talk with Hessica, Jeni, Nissi, or anyone else about life helps me with and upcoming events and helps me see things with a better perspective. My moods change daily. But, I've been okay. I have a lot to get done in a little bit of time, but that's okay. I've been in pressured situations before, right? Right. I'm surrounded by great people, and I won't accept any less. I frankly can't be bothered by any less. One day at a time.
mood: good good
music: Downstrait - I Came to Play
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I live a life I don't want to live.  
08:56pm 23/06/2010
Well, it's been another few months since I've updated this piece of shit. I just got a job last week back at publix as a deli clerk. I make less than I did when i was there last time. I found out I'm having a baby girl the last dr's appointment I went to. I get asked why I'm not excited about having a kid. I told Jeni why last night. She seemingly understands, although she did as me if I wanted to have anymore. Not a chance. Why do people always assume you're going to be excited or thrilled? I don't get it. This is probably the last thing I needed at this moment in my life. I didn't necessarily want a child, but I always thought that even if I were to have one, I'd hope that I'd be able to raise it according to my thoughts and beliefs. It seems like I won't even get that chance. She will be raised opposite of me, it seems. So what am I good for? Nothing, really. Maybe a source of income and something to laugh at once in awhile.

The people I work with are pretty cool. My manager, Linda, even bought me lunch today. I've never had anything like that done for me by a manager before. She seems to really give a shit about everyone, and that's pretty fucking awesome. Pretty admirable, too. Lately, I've been using Hessica's car to get back and forth. It's cool that she let me use it. Well, now she might be getting a job and I'll have to find another way to work. Finding that out ruined my day. Things really seemed to be looking up, too. I was in more of a "face mode", I suppose. Now I feel reverted and depressed. I hate this. This one thing reminds me of how much I detest my life and am very tired of struggling with seemingly no breaks no matter how hard I try to work my way out of everything bad. For the people that know me... the ones who genuinely know me... they know how I am. I try my best to be a decent person in every aspect of life. I really do. Regardless of how good I am and how much I try, nothing ever works how I want it to. I am so sick of this shit. I wonder if anyone ever looks at me after hearing about my life and wonders "why hasn't this guy offed himself". I think that about myself, so I'm sure SOMEONE is bound to have. I had a lot more to say, but I'd rather not type anymore.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Shaman's Harvest - Broken Dreams
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04:38am 03/03/2010
I'm thoroughly disgusted. I feel like throwing up. Sometimes it seems like all chicks are the same.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Monster Magnet - Live For The Moment
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12:16pm 20/02/2010
I am becoming very angry and very bitter towards everything again. I don't like it. I'm constantly feeling like I'm in a foul mood. I try so hard not to show it, but how long can I really do that? Once again, it feels like life is fucking me from all angles, and no, I don't get a chance to breathe.
mood: aggravated aggravated
music: Adelitas Way - New Day
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06:51pm 19/02/2010
This is very hard for me. I'm not exactly what you'd call "ready" for this. I don't see why I have to go through life test after life test. It's so fucked up. I've always had the personal option of "giving up" per say... that is, until now. I don't even have that. I wouldn't dare leave her by herself. I just don't have a damn thing, nor am I fit for this world. Or so I feel...
But, most of life's circumstances we bring upon ourselves, and this one is no different. I just wish the timing was a little better than this, because last year seemed to drain the life & everything else I had straight from me. I mean, 2 1/2 months down time for 1 year of hell is hardly what I consider to be "okay". Whatever.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Sean Jenness - Written in my Face
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02:29am 14/02/2010
I don't even know how to just come out and update this thing. Too much has happened in such a little time. I can't even seem to get it out right. But, just know it's there. It'll be there for a long time. My life has changed forever.
mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable
music: Age Against the Machine - Get on Your Knees
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10:23pm 12/02/2010
Why do I feel shattered? I hate this.
music: Suzanne Vega
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Drain you.  
08:19pm 12/02/2010
I'm tired. I need to sleep. I have to get a few things done pretty soon. I'm tired of not having money and not working. I've tried hard to get a job, but these assholes never call me back. I've been waiting on this "for sure" job for a few days now. I call these places and they give me the run around. I'm tired of being dicked around. Fuck everything. Should I just be a career criminal or something? How is it that other people can get all these calls and interviews, but I can't? What the fuck is wrong with me? It's times like these that make me want to revert to my old train of thought. Gah...
mood: tired tired
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The it they call "thing".  
12:24pm 08/02/2010
Not much of anything went on yesterday during the day. I spent much of it sleeping because I felt like ass. When I finally could crawl my sorry ass out of bed, I got in the shower and it felt so great. I rebraided my hair, then I got out. I saw Ashleen for a split second, then she left. Sat down for a bit staring into space, then Chris & Alecia walked in. We sat around talking about randomness, drank some Sparks, etc. Fun times. Then Hessica came over and we had fun. We were all just diddling around. You know how it goes. Then we decided to get one of those big sandwiches from Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we ran into Seth, Becca, and Jen. That was a pleasant surprise! We all hung out just wandering around doing whatever. Hessica and I came home and just kind of ate our sandwich and bundled up. It was pleasant.
mood: sick sick
music: Nine Inch Nails - Down In It
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11:40am 07/02/2010
I had a pretty great night last night despite this stupid sickness. Hessica is really sweet to me. We watched 500 Days of Summer and then started watching Role Models. We were up pretty late, and she didn't even tell me she had to be to work at 9 until she started falling asleep on the couch at 4ish. She needs to sleep more. I'm more than familiar with the side effects of having little to no sleep. It was fun, though. We went to wally world and got one of those big sandwiches with all the change we had. Good times. T'was a lovely Saturday. Wouldn't you agree?
mood: sick sick
music: Suzanne Vega - Caramel
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07:35pm 06/02/2010
You read that completely wrong. It makes me want to pull my pigtails. It's my own fault, though.

But, sometimes things are better off not said. Not said.

Not said. I'm just being goofy, though. Ugh! Maybe Jen can help? Maybe I'll ask.

I'm still sick and that makes me very angry. My body aches, my head hurts, my throat is scratchy, and my nose is like a fucking faucet. Even though I'm sick, I feel like getting drunk. But I've felt like a lot of things lately. All of it has been pretty weird.
mood: sick sick
music: Story of the Year - Just Close Your Eyes
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05:23am 06/02/2010
Look, I'm sick. I'm in a foul mood because of it, too. Do not test.

So, I'm very much relieved that Hess is alright and it was nothing too serious. She's had me rather concerned the past few days.

I'm surprised that place hasn't called me back about taking that damn security test, yet. Wtf!? I need some money, you bastards! I'm growing very impatient.

Did I mention that I'm sick and I'll eat your face?

I have 1 tissue, too. This isn't going to be very pretty. And no, I'm not "down with the sickness" you twatwaffle, cuntsicle.

Anyways, I spent some time talking to Danielle tonight, too. I miss talking to Danielle. That chick is bad ass. I always found it amazing how we could relate on so many levels about our ex marriages. She definitely helped me through some rough spots. And she's 12 years older than me. Who would've thunk it?

Talked to Ally for a bit, as well. I haven't seen her on much, either. She's a work-horse when it comes to her schooling.

I still don't know what to do about the whole Shawn situation. It saddens me how that's gone. I had so much hope in it, too.

And now we get to the part where I'm a dick who lies about his whereabouts, and sends mixed signals. Friends? Har. Oh well, I'd rather make people who say and think that about me look like an ass by being honest and straight forward. I think I'm doing a damn good job of that. Do not test.

I can't be bothered with this.

mood: sick sick
music: Kajagoogoo - Too Shy
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03:22am 03/02/2010
So, I should have a job soon. About fucking time. I feel like I'm moving too slow for my own liking. I'm trying my fucking hardest, so if this year doesn't end to the standard that I want it to... the consequences will match the results. Point blank.
But I'm trying to have faith. I would like to be able to help others again as well. What's the point in having what you have if you can't share it, ya know?

On yet another note - Fucking hell! Her eyes are so gorgeous.

And no, I'd rather not be tested. I've decided that I shouldn't even go that way. It would just be stupid and quite rude in my opinion. I told Jen about that since she is technically the only one in the know anyways.

On another note - took a look at Dana's fb again. Not so good for the mental stability. I'm really surprised by how much she's changed. But, I suppose she has a lot of growing up to do. Shit, so do I. But her, even more so. She apparently smokes now... fucking disgusting. Bleh. Fuck you.

Next level.

I had a good day, though.

Good night. I don't think today is an appropriate day to jump into traffic. Har!
mood: sleepy sleepy
music: Shocking Blue - Venus
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10:27am 01/02/2010
I wish people would take the time to really listen to me when I tell them I'm not feeling up to doing something. I give people a lot of my time because I genuinely care. But sometimes... just sometimes, I feel like people take what I say with a grain of salt. That fucking bothers me to no extent. I always listen to people thoroughly. Maybe I'm not being firm enough? I don't fucking know. I'm pretty much annoyed, though. I have shit to do today, so fuck it.
mood: irritated irritated
music: Dolores O'Riordan - In The Garden
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What was I thinking?  
12:50am 01/02/2010
"This is the proving ground, as the heat begins to rise..."

So please, tell me what I was thinking. How do I look someone in the face who is obviously concerned and completely not say what I'm feeling. It was like there was a hole being burned through me, but it somehow felt just fine. I don't like the distress in my mind. I don't like having conflicting feelings in my mind, either. I don't like having forks in the road, and there's no such thing as following intuition, etc with this. I'm just being stupid. But that's not unusual. I think I should abandon all of that. These thoughts are sometimes too much with everything else I have going on.
mood: indifferent
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Six colors.  
04:52am 31/01/2010
I erased this post because I thought it was fucked up. Colors mean nothing when you're colorblind.
mood: tired tired
music: Collective Soul - Heavy
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I've Returned. Part 2  
03:22am 30/01/2010
So yeah, I'm not so sure where I left off, and I'm too much of a lazy ass to go and look. So... Let's see here. I think I was talking about meeting Ashleen. Maybe? Whatever. Well, I think I should go into how I have changed as a person. Because, I feel like I have. I feel like I have changed for the better. I wanted to be a better, and nicer person in general, and I think I've accomplished that. I will continue to do that. I kind of consider this all to be New Years resolutions for 2010 that I started early. Another thing I have decided to completely cut out from my life is hate. I used to hate a lot of people and things. I just don't have the energy for that anymore, nor do I even personally think it's right for me to hate anyone as an individual, because of the actual hatred I kind of had for myself. There's no need for any of that. If I hated someone before, they just won't get my time of day today. They don't deserve it, and I don't feel like expending myself for people who don't matter. I've instead taken that energy to tend to my friends and make friendships much stronger. Friends are number one to me. I don't have anyone else, especially with Brandie apparently not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I refuse to take the relationships I have with individuals for granted. I don't want to lose anyone else anymore. As for another aspect of my life... If I can't get a grip on this whole money situation, the situation with my heart, and completely uproot Dana from my mind, then I fucking quit. Yup. I gave myself one year to improve. I'd say I'm doing pretty well of fulfilling certain things thus far, but I honestly don't have much faith in myself. It only takes one thing moderately bad to tip me back into a depression. And so my cycle continues.
But, to be fair to myself, I've surprised myself quite a bit. I knew back in Washington that I was ready to come back here and start over, but I didn't think I'd jump right into everything head first. I never knew I could handle things and accept them so well. I was very spiteful feeling and vengeful towards Dana, but I'm not anymore. No hate. I don't believe that people who do wrong will always "get theirs", but I'm okay with that. She can keep my stuff, keep everything that she's done to me, and I hope she has a nice life. Materials are replaceable, and it's not worth the energy to worry about something I have virtually no control over. Another thing I've learned through that experience is to accept defeat gracefully. Before, when it came to losing... "life battles" (per-say) it would consume me. I would not take it very well. I'd dwell on it for days and days where it would literally get me no where. Fuck that. I'd say I'm off to a good start considering the black abyss I came out of. I just hope that I can mentally keep my head above water. I think that ends up hurting me more than anything.
mood: Sluggish
music: Opus III - It's a Fine Day
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