I live a life I don't want to live.  
08:56pm 23/06/2010
Well, it's been another few months since I've updated this piece of shit. I just got a job last week back at publix as a deli clerk. I make less than I did when i was there last time. I found out I'm having a baby girl the last dr's appointment I went to. I get asked why I'm not excited about having a kid. I told Jeni why last night. She seemingly understands, although she did as me if I wanted to have anymore. Not a chance. Why do people always assume you're going to be excited or thrilled? I don't get it. This is probably the last thing I needed at this moment in my life. I didn't necessarily want a child, but I always thought that even if I were to have one, I'd hope that I'd be able to raise it according to my thoughts and beliefs. It seems like I won't even get that chance. She will be raised opposite of me, it seems. So what am I good for? Nothing, really. Maybe a source of income and something to laugh at once in awhile.

The people I work with are pretty cool. My manager, Linda, even bought me lunch today. I've never had anything like that done for me by a manager before. She seems to really give a shit about everyone, and that's pretty fucking awesome. Pretty admirable, too. Lately, I've been using Hessica's car to get back and forth. It's cool that she let me use it. Well, now she might be getting a job and I'll have to find another way to work. Finding that out ruined my day. Things really seemed to be looking up, too. I was in more of a "face mode", I suppose. Now I feel reverted and depressed. I hate this. This one thing reminds me of how much I detest my life and am very tired of struggling with seemingly no breaks no matter how hard I try to work my way out of everything bad. For the people that know me... the ones who genuinely know me... they know how I am. I try my best to be a decent person in every aspect of life. I really do. Regardless of how good I am and how much I try, nothing ever works how I want it to. I am so sick of this shit. I wonder if anyone ever looks at me after hearing about my life and wonders "why hasn't this guy offed himself". I think that about myself, so I'm sure SOMEONE is bound to have. I had a lot more to say, but I'd rather not type anymore.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Shaman's Harvest - Broken Dreams
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