I've returned. Part 1  
12:55am 29/01/2010
The last day I wrote in this was the day before Thanksgiving. Since then, I've returned to Florida. My home. As much as I don't like this state, this is my home. My friends are here. My life is here. Lesson learned. I wasn't ready to move on before. Well, I was. But Dana wasn't ready to move on with me. That makes all the difference. Luckily I have a lifeline here. Luckily I'm back. I thank my lucky stars for that. The early morning that I left Oak Harbor, Washington was probably one of the worst. I had to look the woman in the eyes who back stabbed me, took my life, and my dignity. It was quiet. Surprisingly, she drove me to the airport the day she got back. I guess she couldn't deal with having to be around the same person she had completely fucked over. No worries. I couldn't choke down the heart break, either. We didn't speak the whole 2 hours and 15 minutes it took to drive from Oak Harbor to Seattle. Maybe that was for the best. I would have lost it in just about every manner. I gave myself to her in every way, shape, and form for 4 years. She misused my love and trust... as so the story goes, right? I ended up getting groped at the gate to enter the plane, but once that plane took off at 6:15 am, there was no looking back. Nope. Not for me. I don't plan on riding in a plane for a long, long time after that bullshit. Worst seats ever. They left my back and ass hurting for the next 3 days. Not to mention that I left Oak Harbor at 6:15am and landed in Jax at 7:15pm. Since I've been back, things have been amazing. I have been welcomed with open arms by friends old and new. That means more to me than anything else. In Washington, I had no one. Here, I have everyone. I have been pretty happy for the most part. At the airport in Jax, I was picked up by Sierra. I haven't seen her in a couple years. That was so exciting! Then we went to Taco Bell, and I ate fast food for the first time in 8 months! Crazy shit! Then afterwards, we went to the beach and just talked and shivered in the cold. Afterwards, we proceeded to go to her mom's house where I spent the night. The next day, I went to Jeni & Del's house for Thanksgiving where Jeni made everything from scratch. Best ever! I was so surprised to see how big Sofia had gotten. The last time I saw her, she couldn't even walk... let alone barely hold her own head up. Now, she can walk, talk, say her numbers one through ten in English and Spanish! That little girl is amazing! Anyways, later that night, Jeni took me to the apartments where I met up with Chris. If it weren't for that man, I would be walking the street again. So yeah, I fucking owe him. Big time... I gave him a hug when we got inside and I just dropped my shit on the floor. We were about to watch House on the tv, but I passed out not even ten minutes into it. I think the next day was when I met Ashleen. Ashleen is the savior of sorts. She has done so much and she doesn't even blink an eye. I can literally say that I admire and adore her. She's done everything for me, even stood up for my ass. She has two sides to her. One is very quiet and deep in thought, while the other is... hmm.. fiery and very social.

Okay, part two later. Sleep now.
mood: tired tired
music: HIM - Rebel Yell
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Can you break the code?  
12:40am 25/11/2009
I'm coming back home in about 18 hours. Finally the end to this terrible fucking saga. Now, I have other things to worry about. At least I'll have some support and friends.
mood: excited excited
music: Jay-Z vs Hendrix - 99 Problems / Voodoo Child
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Put me to sleep  
06:34pm 26/10/2009
So, today I woke up and had no energy. It feels like the life has been sucked from me. Almost feel "soulless" if that makes sense. It's hard to feel things. I just kind of laid there for a long time. The wind has howled all day, banging up on the screen door. The sun was actually out today. I should have spent more time outside, but I couldn't find the will to get up until about 4 something today. I went to the bathroom, stripped down and turned the hot water all the way on. Then I stood there for a long time. Then I turned on the cold water and got it to a normal temperature. It just didn't phase me. I washed and brushed my teeth then sat down on the toilet with two towels wrapped around me. I sat there until I was completely dry. Then I tied my hair back, put on my jncos and a hoodie then walked outside. At the end of my street there's a small clearing right before a path to the woods starts. I started to walk towards that path. In my vision, I saw a bright gold light beam through the trees and the shrubs. Then the wind picked up right at that moment. It hit my face and seemed to go right through me. For that split second, I felt like everything in my life was perfect. Like that vision and the wind regenerated me for just a second. Then out of no where, a cloud came and blocked out the sun. The wind stopped immediately and I was back to hell again. It seems as if I was almost disappointed by this. But a breeze and a late afternoon sun can't do anything for you. I came inside and just sat here watching the rest of the sun set through the window until there was no more light in the sky.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Hole - Violet
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01:26pm 24/10/2009
So, I'm pretty much fucked now. Yeah. Fucked. Supposedly sometime next month, dana will be buying me a plane ticket back to Jax.  As it stands now, I'd have no place to stay. I did, but she fucked around with the situation for so long that now that my only option for a place to stay just moved out of his apt and moved in with a friend. Not that that's bad. Much easier on his wallet. It just kind of eliminates my only option. And unlike most people, I don't have a mommy and daddy to fall back on. So, I'll be roaming around again, I guess. On top of all that, she is now saying that she won't pay to ship my shit back like she said she would. I knew I shouldn't have trusted her. She told me to find a way or ask someone - knowing damn good and well that I don't have anyone that I could ask for help. What type of shit is this? So, it looks like I'm losing all of my shit and will be without a place for awhile. Shit is not getting any easier and this time it appears that I'm completely fucked once again. Isn't life fuckin' wonderful? Now do people understand why I want to quit 90% of the time? It's an uphill battle and I'm absolutely sick of it. Just plain sick of it.
mood: depressed depressed
music: Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
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Level 3  
06:10pm 23/10/2009
It's fairly hard trying to start up again on one of these. It's even harder after I put so much time and effort into my old GJ. That's okay, though. The style I've laid it out for it kind of incorporates my old greatestjournal, and my even older deadjournal. I've infused that with my personal 2009 theme. I think the easiest way to start this off will be an overview of a few random things. 

To be honest, last year was the best year of my life. I had more fun than one can ever imagine. I was almost nearly worry free, money was great, and most importantly, I was happy. Even with Dana gone most of the time, times were great. I had loads of fun. I loved the nights I'd chill with Jen at Denny's at 2am, the parties, hanging out with Russ, Chris, Marc,  Wrestlemania, etc. Then it came time to move in september. Things were fine, and then at the end of April this year, everything went to shit right before my eyes. My relationship with her dissolved such as acid would probably burn through your skin. And it hurt so many times more than that. Too many rough details there, but to make it short, I never expected her to do what she did. Sitting and laying on a couch for months wasting away isn't in anyone's best interest. I'm sort of happy that I lost all that weight, though. I went from 265 to 204 from May to now this year. I think I've gotten over most of it - the pain, suffering, and hurt. I'm different now. This set something off in me, and I'm not the same person I was. How do you tell people that without them asking "how"??? I'm not even sure when I am getting back home or how things will be when i get there. I've been in seclusion for  5 1/2 months. Literal seclusion. It's depressing sometimes. But I handle it as well as I do because solitude is nice. I plan on going back stronger, better, faster, etc. I wish I could make 2008 happen again. That was the epitome of great times in my life. Out of nowhere, so many people I used to talk to a few years ago are finding me online and talking to me. It's pretty crazy. All good people.  At least I know when I go back home, I won't be lonely or anything like that. I just hate starting over all of the time and being abandoned by the people I give most of my heart to. It makes me feel like a damn fool. But, we live and we learn, I suppose. I just want my life peaceful and fun. Just like last year. Nothing complex. I'd pray if I thought it would work.

location: Home
mood: indifferent
music: Eminem feat RBX & Sticky Fingaz - Remember Me?
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