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A lot on my mind right now...

Alright well, I was planning on going to bed, but I seem to have a lot on my mind.  My grandma that has cancer has been getting really bad lately.  Her white and red blood counts have been down lately, she can't hardly catch her breath either.  I'm really worried about her.  Grandpa took her to the ER today around 10:30-ish am.  She has had 2 blood transfusions and multiple breathing treatments.  I haven't been to see her yet, we just found out tonight.  Nice of grandpa to let us know....at 6:30.  Mom said she sounded better on the phone than she had the last couple of days.  I know it's inevitable that she dies, but who the fuck wants their grandma to die?  She was the best grandma ever.  It's just really upsetting to know that its closer than what we thought.  

You know how when everyone else is really upset about something and you try to be the strong one?  Yeah that's sort of me right now.  I really hate to cry infront of people.  I just truly hate it.  I'm not overly emotional.  I don't like the whole "oh your sad?  Let me give you a hug"  I don't like that.  I prefer to be left alone.  One of the hardest things to see besides my grandma getting weaker every day, is my dad.  He is sooo upset by this.  I mean, obviously he is, because it's his mom, but it's so upsetting to see him cry.  I could be perfectly fine, but if my dad is crying, I just lose it.  This has to be the worst fathers day ever.

I know we should consider her lucky because the people who get this kind of cancer usually only last a couple months.  She has lasted over a year.  When she found out she had cancer the doctors told her that he would be surprised if she made it 4 months.  But knowing that we've gotten more time with her so far has greatly magnified the amount of time we haven't spent with her...even though it takes less than a minute to drive to her house.  

This post probably wasn't the best idea, it's only made things inside my head worse.  

fuck.