§ha§ha ƒuиky §hake™ (zellywellywoowo) wrote,
@ 2008-03-02 02:34:00

Current mood:

depressed

I have said this before, I know.
I just had a breakdown. I just can't do this anymore. I am literally losing everyone I care about for one reason or another. none of them are GOOD reasons either. Most of them are people I love or have loved in the past. I was in love with Matt tho he never knew, he was young and didnt understand what was behind my actions and words....he thought i just liked him and i could never come out and tell him i loved him cuz I knew in the back of my mind he had a string attached to someone else. I was right in the end and now we dont talk unless i initiate the conversation and the feelings of friendship arent really even there anymore. I miss him so much as a friend that it hurts. He used to text me every day. I wanted to e-mail him and tell him about it but I am not sure if he is with his ex or not and I dont want him to be between a rock and a hard place because I was too chicken to tell him when I had a chance how I really felt about him.

I wont be able to chill with chris anymore. He is like the only real friend I have now days to hang out with, dick around with, joke around and shoot the shit with. I WANTED to see if I could be friends with my ex...yes most of you know him as...well...bad things and bad words lol and rightfully so but I cant mentally do that anymore. I break down when I think about our past.

I cant move forward with anyone because of the feelings i still have for people in the past...because I hold onto the idea of hope for us. Like Garm.... He has professed to me how much he likes me and how before he met me he dreamt of the perfect girl and it was me. Im not perfect but he loves to think so. Umbra from last night keeps asking me to go out. All of these people are really nice but I just cant fucking do it. I dont know why its like my heart has planted its foot in the ground and refuses to let me go through boot camp again.... im fucked up....i dont know how to fix myself.

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kuroitenshi
2008-03-02 09:42 am UTC (link)

Wow, that sounds very frustrating & upsetting. I would say wait it out, but I don't know if that is good enough. I think maybe you do need to email him, but maybe try something simple, like how is he doing what is he up to. At least then there would be some commication & it wouldn't be something that might make him question if he is in a bad position. Just a thought. I wish you the best of luck. This is why I'm just giving up on men for the moment...a very very long moment.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

zellywellywoowo
2008-03-02 10:14 pm UTC (link)

Yea its been a long moment for me too but i put faith into Matt and I's situation and for the longest time he was fighting hard for it to work. He was really sweet and nice and told me how he flet from time to time in the best way he knew how and I was happy but then his ex came along and ruined it for me.

Im used to ex's fucking shit up for me so I just let it go. I am the one who texts him now and asks how he is doing from time to time. He will respond and we got back and forth a couple times then thats it for another couple of weeks. I have to innitiate everything now when he used to initiate the convo a lot back in the day.

Its tough and it makes me sad.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

half_pain
2008-03-02 04:44 pm UTC (link)

You're not alone, even if it feels like you are. It's hard to let go of the past, but you have to push it; you have to keep trying or it will just end up destroying you. Keep your old friends in your heart, and they'll never die... even if they aren't really with you, but keep your head and heart open to meeting new friends. Do not let yourself be trapped by the darkness of your heart. Do not let your negative emotions rule you. And if you see that there's really no chance for rekindling love with your some of your guy friends-let it go. It's hard, but you'll make it if you push yourself.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	zellywellywoowo 2008-03-02 10:16 pm UTC (link)
	Everything you say is true and I know it but its so hard for me sometimes. I am stubborn i dont want to believe that anything is over but like u said if i keep them in my heart there will be life left over so who knows what will come of it ni the future. Thanks so much you helped me out by making me just think about the best. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	tell_shannon 2008-03-02 11:24 pm UTC (link)
	I'm really sorry about all that shit. I think you need to just take some time off for you, and not worry about anybody else. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	zellywellywoowo 2008-03-03 09:16 am UTC (link)
	I have been doing that for ages and its getting so hard for me to beso onely with this time off for me. I know what you mean though But i have been doing that,....when will it end? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

tell_shannon
2008-03-03 08:16 pm UTC (link)

It seems you havent been focusing on yourself with this time alone. Lonelyness is bred from the thoughts of being with another. It's time for YOU to be selfish.

Go out and see a movie you want to see. Go out to a show and just have fun. Do what you love doing, and forget everyone else in the world, and the right answer will come.

You know how when you remember a song but can't remember who sings it, and no matter how hard you think- you just can't remember. And around 15 minutes after you give up, it comes to you? That's the concept.

You can't rush love, no matter how hard you try.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

(Anonymous)
2008-03-03 05:16 am UTC (link)

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tommorow
You'll see the sunlight come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you just keep on trying
Smile what the use of crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile, smile, ohh smile

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	pinklipstain10 2008-03-03 05:16 am UTC (link)
	Yeah thats me! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	zellywellywoowo 2008-03-03 09:16 am UTC (link)
	thank you :) I was so happy to get your text too haha it cheered me up (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	pinklipstain10 2008-03-03 02:56 pm UTC (link)
	Love u baby!!!! (Reply to this)(Parent)

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