The Main Players - The Guys
Alright you guys. This entry is going to be rediculous but it's BOTHERING me and it's been on my mind for SO fucking long I just don't know what to do. The following men in my life have been confusing the hell out of me and if not that, they have been making me confuse myself. I am lost, scared, confused. I don't know what to do anymore but I NEVER want to lose any of them as they have all been a huge part of my life.
Here we go, pics followed by our brief history and the problem at hand.
MATT
I met Matt in the summer of 2007 in NJ. We met by chance at the WAWA off of 35 by the little pink beach house where we were staying at. He was there with his friends, I was out with my sis and cuz. One thing lead to another and we were all in the parkinglot drunk, talking, and hanging out. I was in Carole's Explorer and said "ANYONE WANNA MAKE OUT WITH ME?" and Matt was the first to say "I DO" but he was eating Doritos and i refused so he bought a pack of gum and Initially i was just kidding anyway but since he clearly really wanted to I kissed him. We ended up all partying at his friends house which ended with me and him making out again (As you will see in one of the above pics). We hung out with Just Matt the following day and he gave me his number.Well went back to VA we just didn't talk but I thought a couple months later it'd text him and ask how NJ is doing. He replied instantly and I made it a point to every few weeks or so, text and say hi.
I went back up to NJ with my dad and sis at the beginning of Sept to see my mom's new headstone. We ended up going to my brother's house (MAtt lives down the road 5 min away) We call him up and him and Ryan aka Steve-o (who was there that summer also) hung out with us at the beach and we all got drunk and played KINGS. Well it continued the next night where it was obvious he liked me and I was glad cuz I liked him too. Well We go back to VA and he texts me the entire ride home about how its gonna suck without me there, he is gonna miss me, and then he goes "WAIT, I WILL COME TO VA TO SEE U" I tought he wasnt serious but 2 weeks later he showed up with Ryans for 3 days. We hung out, had a great time and he went back home.
The 3 days he was there me and tab stayed over too. I slept with him in his bed but we neevr even kissed. It was weird cuz whenever we played kings we made out but it was because it was a part of the rules tabby made up. But when we werent dared or being egged on we didnt kiss, we just talked and enjoyed eachothers company. It was innocent and fun. We never even touched eachother when we were in the same bed. The last night we were there though he grabbed me and hugged me tightly while we layed there and we stayed up and talked till the sun came up. I could tell he wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him but we just didn't. Felt like highschool all over again. He goes home and this time I go to NJ by myself about 2 weeks later and stay for a week at my fav winter spot I call "Headquarters". He came over everyday, we had so much fun talking, listening to music, watching tv, threatening eachother, getting into trouble, taking walks on the beach and around Seaside, telling stories, cuddling, and kissing (yes there was a LOT of kissing).
He stayed over about 4 or 5 of those 7 nights and I stayed an extra night with my brother (and him and his wife met Matt before and they really like him) And Renee (My brother drew's wife) let him stay over until he felt like leaving so we stayed in the basement and cuddled and watched tv and made out. Anyway I didn't need to go through all of that but I LOVE talking about him. I am madly in love with this guy but he is young and doesn't open up sometimes. It's hard becasue he is in NJ and I can't be with him, nor do i know what he's up to. We have talked via text or the phone EVERY single day since I left and I haven't seen him since then and I believe that was in November. He has been distant lately. We have gone a few days without talking and I feel like he doesn't care anymore though he randomly says these really nice things to me sometimes. He is always sweet when im around and when im leaving or if something is wrong but days go by with nothing going on and he is short with me sometimes. We are drifting apart for sure and I hate it.
I really like him but i have no idea what to do about him anymore. He is really young (But don't care at all) but it's clear this is hard for us both. He has admitted his feelings for me several times and told me ONCE he was going to let us drift apart but then he woke up and remembered how much I meant to him and that it was stupid of him to even think that. He said the distance thing kills him and he doesn;t know how to deal with it. I like this guy so much, it breaks my heart thinking of a time where he might not be in my life. I just don't know if I should try harder with him and make something happen or just let it fizzle out.
MIKEY
Mikey has always been really cool and really nice but he has an issue with girls where he has a new gf every week. He gets around too but he has always genuinely cared for me and has always been there for me like a brother and a great friend. He kissed me once and told me he really liked me and never wanted to lose me and wanted to kiss me to see if ANYTHING would come out of it. I had the same feelings but he is military and will be in the military for another several years and he will live in Washington State soon after Ranger School. He asked me to Marry him over Xmas break, well to consider a marriage cuz im the only girl he trusts and really cares about. He wants to marry me to take care of himself and us. He needs the help and i could use it too, it would be by papers and we'd get a divorse if I found someone else. As someone who really cares about him I want to help him but Marriage is sacred to me, i want to get marreid once and i want it to be for the right reasons but I cant help but to think...what if we actually have a working marriage? Like we give it a try for REAL and things work out??
MIKE
Mike loves me. He has loved me for years and I could never return the love. Mike and I have a lot in common and I really like him a lot and care about him but he came into my life at the wrong time and had to go back into the military and has been there ever since. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and he wants to give dating a shot with me when he comes back to the states but He won't even be in NC which is right under VA like he thought he'd be...he'd be in SC and i can't deal with a distance like that but he is someone I KNOW who really loves me and would be kind to me, cherish me, and never cheat on me..... Idk what to do...I find myself getting really upset when he talks about being with other people now and I was really upset when he told me about SC....This just shows that i really do like him and want to be with him.
SHAWN
I met Shawn in NJ in the summer MANY years ago. We hung out for a week and our last day in NJ we finally kissed. He was so unique and nice and HILARIOUS. We have so many inside jokes and he was a great presence. We neevr exchanged numbers since he lived in NY and I was in VA but he liked me so much he SOMEHOW found my number and called me a month later...I was SPEECHLESS when i answered the phone and heard it was him. I was happy as FUCK. We wrote eachother a lot but then lost touch. We recently (about a year ago) found eachother on yes...MYSPACE and we have not really talked up until recently. About a month ago he sent me something nice and then last night and the night before. He wants to come to VA and he says he misses me but.... he has a gf. And that brings up a story I will share later that happened today. I am just happy I have a connection with him again.
CHRIS
Chris is my ex ex bf. He and I have had a wonderful open relationship. We understand eachother, he never EVER yelled at me or treated me like shit. he loved me and treated me like a queen. He goes out of his way for me and always does nice things. He and i will ALWAYS be friends and we know we still care about eachother but he wants to be with me again and as much as I like him, Something about him doesnt sit well with me. He is unstable to me.... he always travels and has so much going on....Idk what to do about him anymore either but I have recently gotten VERY jealous of the thought of him being with other girls. Especially this 18 yr old girl he's dating...I can't take it anymore but at the same time i THOUGHT I didn't want to date him. WTF is wrong with me?.
And last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, The BIGGEST issue in my life...
JAMES
James helps me with my Brittish-Enlgish translations. I picked up an interest in it and now he helps me figure things out and help him with proper English. He has always been such a gentlemen to me and said really nice and flattering things to me but I thought it was because he was English and that's just how he is. He and I have a similar ex story so we relate a lot and we both have a deceased parent. Recently he has been telling me these things that really make me feel butterflies, I feel really anxious and sometimes sad or overwhelmed but most of all he makes me incredibly happy. The issue with him is this, He lives in England and he will be coming to the US for at LEAST 3 months. He had planned on coming here for a month but he asnt sure where, now he says he wants to stay 3+ months or years in MY area and it's because of me. He says things like "I want to make you happy, I adore you so much i'd do ANYTHING for you" and I tell him i can't believe him sadly for many reasons and he tells me He "isn't lying" and he's "being dead serious". He says he thinks I was put in in his life for a reason and he just flatters me to death with these really sweet things I have NEVER heard a man say to me before. He tells me I make him unbelievably happy and he thinks about me day in and day out and it sometimes gets to him until he can actually talk to me.
He is in England. I am here but if he is serious....I'd LOVE for things to work out but am I just setting myself up? SHOULD I believe him?
